“May God, the source of hope, fill you with all joy and peace by means of your faith in him, so that your hope will continue to grow by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Romans 15:13

Holidays, why do they alway seem to bring stress? Why do we dread celebrations after loss? Why do we allow Pinterest and Hallmark movies to drive our desire to create the perfect setting and memory making moments? 

To be honest, I would be perfectly fine with not doing any form of celebration this year. It doesn’t seem right. Why should I celebrate and find joy in moments with extended family when my family is missing an important person? I would much rather treat the holidays as just another day with a vacation thrown in for good measure. No decorating, no celebrating, no gifts, no lights, or any merriment. 

Thanksgiving has typically been lowkey. We eat, watch football, and then go bowling. It is a family tradition that was started in Hutchinson, KS when I was a kid by my Gramps who wanted nothing to do with cleaning up and doing dishes! For this reason, looking at this day doesn’t bring me too much dread or stress. I know it will feel different, there will be an empty seat at the table, jokes that won’t be told, and laughs that will not be heard. But I have so much to be thankful for and new things on the horizon. 

I know the reason we celebrate Thanksgiving. We celebrate because it is a time to give thanks for what we have and have been given over the last year. Are you ready for another “why” question? Why should I be thankful after the loss I suffered? Wow…I really went there! But here is my response: I am thankful for my daughter who has been right beside me through every moment. I am thankful for our pup Willa-Dean who is the best at making us laugh and has truly been the perfect addition for this time. I am thankful for my family, without whose support and love we would not have made it to this point in the year. I am thankful for my friends, without whom I would not be where I am and as sane as I am today. I am thankful for my employer, who has been supportive and desires nothing more than to help me achieve mental, spiritual, and physical health so I can be an asset. I am thankful that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me, that puts the right people in my path to show me His love, faithfulness, and His provision this side of heaven. I am thankful that He cares for me and never misses the opportunity to show up even in the smallest moment of need. That is why I am thankful even in the midst of the biggest loss I have faced.

It seems that Christmas is the holiday that is lurking in the shadows. The landmine of merriment, decorations, and celebrations loom in the distance and I want nothing more than to ignore this impending holiday. I have found it difficult to look at Christmas lights. They have been going up all over town, on houses, buildings, trees in the city center and random trees outside neighborhoods. It brings a twinge, a pain that I don’t think I am quite ready to face. But honestly, it was there before Jason passed away. It started Christmas 2007 after losing my dad to cancer. 

My dad loved Christmas. We always had lights on our house, and he and my mom made a big deal out of decorating the tree and the inside of the house. We had snacks and hot cocoa, and lots of popcorn to string up for the tree! I vividly remember those times and it was magical! Christmas morning was no exception. He loved the whole…”wait…I think I see one more gift” trick and we loved seeing what the extra gift or the “family” gift was each year. He loved to add new decorations every year, even to the point of an extensive Christmas village display and a train. After he passed away the magic of Christmas was not the same, the decorations were not the same. The colors were dull, the cookies and popcorn didn’t taste the same. The hot cocoa tasted powdery and bland no matter how many marshmallows you added.  I know that this year will change again. It will have empty moments and joyful moments. 

Christmas is a season where we celebrate the birth of Christ. The birth of Hope. The birth of a promise of eternal life from our Heavenly Father that He has and will continue to keep. So, here is my “why” question for Christmas: Why should I celebrate hope and life in a season where a there was death to not only a person but also to the hope of our future together? Yes, I went there again. 

In Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 it says, “There is an occasion for everything, and a time for every activity under heaven: a time to give birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot; a time to kill and a time to heal; a time to tear down and a time to build; a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; a time to embrace and a time to avoid embracing; a time to search and a time to count as lost; a time to keep and a time to throw away; a time to tear and a time to sew; a time to be silent and a time to speak; a time to love and a time to hate; a time for war and a time for peace.”

These verses explain why I can still have hope, why I can still celebrate, why I can still cry, and why I can still grieve. What I have found to be true in my journey thus far, is that grief for a believer like myself is where sadness, joy, deep loss and hope are beautifully intertwined with the ultimate comforter, the Holy Spirit, at the center covering me. 

So we will be thankful for the time we had, the memories we made, and the memories we have yet to make in the new future. We will celebrate. We will laugh, cry, decorate, and experience the magic of the Christmas season. We will find new ways to come together as a family and celebrate and yet honor the lives of those who have stepped into heaven before us. 

**Disclaimer: This is Part 1 of a two part story. This post covers real and raw thoughts and feelings leading up to the holidays. The rest of the story will reveal how the first holidays without Jason really went and all the ways God showed up and showed us how much He truly loves and cares for us. Stay tuned!