Do your emotions match your face? Why do we feel like we have to hide our emotions? Why so we consider public displays of emotion as a weakness? Or…maybe it is it just me and my view of emotions?

I am not an emotional person in public. I prefer to process my emotions in my space and typically alone. This looks like emotional drives in the car and a playlist, or that same playlist and a good cry session when I’m home alone. I am that person where looking on the exterior you may never know what true emotions I am feeling, unless you really know me. More often than not my emotions do not match my face.

But why? Why does it have to be this way? Why are some emotions ok and others cause extreme awkwardness? More specifically, why are people so uncomfortable with the topic of grief that the griever feels they need to fake being “ok” when they are in public? Also, why should we as a society avoid a topic that everyone deals with at one time or another throughout their life? 

This has been a core issue I have been working through on this grief journey. I know who my trusted circle is and I am working on having an honest response to the question, “How are you doing?” But what about our extended community? Why do we shy away from being honest? 

Do we hide or stuff our true emotions because we know they do not know how to respond? Do we feel they may not truly understand? Do we hesitate because we think they may try to “fix” the unfixable problem? Or do we just not want to be the emotional downer in the conversation? I mean, if you did not know me before that day this past summer, you may not know anything was wrong. Even if you have had a recent conversation with me, it probably would not have come up in that conversation. But, why? Why do we shy away from sharing our grief journey. Or better yet, why do we shy away from shouting from the rooftops of how God has redeemed even the darkest corners of our hearts? I want to challenge myself and you to stop holding back. Start talking about the “topic that must not be named”. Make it normal, it is not fight club so it is ok to talk about it. No matter your age or stage in life, grief is a topic that we can and should be talking about. There are no steadfast rules on grief, so why do we place rules on ourselves as we process our grief?

Hi, my name is Samantha and I am a widow. I am 45 and have one adult daughter. We are navigating this season of grief and loss the best we know how. We have an amazing family, very supportive friends, an incredibly supportive work and church community, a Christian counselor (I highly recommend, but more on this later), and many others who help by praying for us daily. More than anything, I have a Heavenly Father that loves me, that provides for me. My God is just as good and faithful today as He was before Jason died. I would even go so far as to say that I see His goodness and faithfulness more today, because I am aware of how much I need Him daily! Some days are great, others are not. Most days I experience every range of feelings and emotions that come along with grief and loss and that is ok. Really, it is very normal.

How do we as grievers start making this topic more normal? From my experience I would say the following are good first steps:

• Be ok with not being ok.
• Be open with your circle and tell them when you aren’t ok.
• Ask if it is ok for you to just sit with no requirements to talk.
• Talk about your person, what you miss and what you loved and still love about them.

More than anything, remember you have to open up, be honest, and be vulnerable. Take time to express to your circle that you are not expecting them to fix anything and all you really want is for them to just be present and pray with you and for you and that want them to continue to check on you even months later once the dust settles and life gets quiet.

How do you as a family member or friend of a griever help to make this topic more normal? Be ok with their pain, it will be uncomfortable but again they really just need you to be present. Keep reaching out. In the early days it is easy to remember to check in, but it is often when it gets quiet that the loss gets real. If you feel that nudge to reach out, do it! Remember, you cannot fix their pain, nor can you help them process their grief quickly or help them “get over it”. Keep in mind that no matter how hard you try you cannot make them “forget” about their loss. Try not ask the open ended question “How are you?” It is often difficult to answer such a broad question because there are so many complex emotions in grief that the answer is never easy. Instead try asking questions that are a little more specific. Try asking “How was your day today?” or “How did XYZ make you feel?” or something like that. If you narrow it down to a day, a scenario, or something more specific it is easier for a griever to answer and be more honest. More than anything, do not shy away from talking to a griever. Treat them normally, converse with them, continue to show them love, and pray for them. Remember it will be awkward until you accept this reality: there isn’t much you can say that can make them feel any more loss or sadness than what they are already experiencing. So just talk to them and be there for them especially when they are ready to talk!

I hope this is helpful for you. I am not saying I am good at all of this yet, but I have found that even as a griever, it is often difficult to talk with other grievers because you do not know where they are mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But I have found that when I take time to pray the following short prayer, “Lord, give me the words to say to him/her as they walk through this season. I do not know how to respond, but YOU know what they need to hear. Let me be an earthly example of your love and compassion.” The Lord will give me the words to say and sometimes provide the opportunity for me to be able to take time and be there with them and for them.

So, let’s work together to make this topic normal. Let’s work together to not make talking about and processing grief awkward and uncomfortable. Grief is difficult to process through, talking with our family, friends, and community about your grief should not be.