DISCLAIMER:

So this is a different type of post. Recently, I have been having conversations that have led me to writing this post. Please enjoy and if you know me personally, I would love to have an in person conversation with you about any of this. If you do not, I am sure you have someone in your “circle of trust” that has walked through loss and grief that could converse with you or feel free to comment or message me privately.

Things this (and I think most) grievers want you to know:

• We are still the same person, but we also are not the same. Death, loss, and grief changes a person. It takes time to get back somewhat “to normal” but for us, life will never be like it was before. We have buried not only someone we love but also the dreams and plans we had with that person. We are different because we are learning how to not only navigate our world without them, but we are also learning how to dream again, and we are learning how to live again.

• Please talk to us. This may seem uncomfortable, but we just want to know that people can still feel comfortable engaging with us. We want to talk about all the normal things and if you are in the “circle of trust” we often want to share with you how we are REALLY doing. More than anything we want to just have conversations with those whom we interact with on a daily basis. So say hi, ask us about the weather, and when you feel comfortable ask us how we are doing in that moment or ask us about our person. Remember, you cannot say anything that will remind us of the loss because there isn’t a day or a moment that we do not think of them and wish they were still here with us.

• Please ask us about our person. If someone you know is walking through the death of a loved one please engage with them and ask them about their person. This helps them feel connected to their person. This helps them honor the life and memories of their person and gives comfort to them by being able to just say their name. 

• Please do not use the typical cliche phrases, such as, “God needed another angel” and other like this. God is in the business of life. He does not cause death. We experience death because this world is broken and we will continue to experience loss and death until it has been redeemed and restored.

• Don’t be weird. I am chuckling as I type this because I know each person is unique and made in the image of God. But often there are people that just do not know what to do or say. Maybe they even think that they will say the wrong thing. Please do us a favor, if you feel like this just start up a conversation about normal things…it will eventually become more comfortable and you will be able to talk about the more difficult topics. Just remember, say something don’t just awkwardly walk away. You could even say, “I do not know what to say or how to help. I might even say the wrong thing from time to time, but please know I love you and I am here to support you in anyway you need.” That is a great start!

• It’s okay to ask what they could use or need most, Picking up kids, buying groceries, someone to just sit with them, going out to dinner, a movie, or even the BANK(all the required stuff). You can’t fix it so don’t overcompensate. You can even go with them for the fun stuff too! I love going to get a manicure and pedicure with my cousin. It is something small, but it qualifies as self care and it is time with my cousin away from all the decisions and required stuff. Regardless of what you do, be specific in asking what they need. There are so many big decisions and changes that the open ended questions are the most difficult to answer.

• Go with someone ot Grief Share or a grief group of some kind. It can be overwhelming and downright scary to go to new places alone. If you have the space to go with a friend, please consider it. It helps to make them feel comfortable in a space that is anything but comfortable. 

• Invite them. Invite them to be a part of your activities – cookouts, bible study, book club, and dinner club. Those who are grieving feel as if their entire world has been turned upside down and in some cases the person they attended all events with is now missing. This only adds to feeling displaced and alone. So reach out and invite them! They need their community now more than ever.

• Hug them and love them. This is huge even for those who don’t typically like hugs. All people need physical contact and it is critical for their health both mentally and physically. So give the hugs and let them know you care and you are there when/if they need anything!

• Crying and emotions are normal. Ok, this one is tough and can be awkward. Crying is an emotion that can draw people in or cause them to run for the hills because of discomfort. It is normal for grieving people to cry. Some cry in public and some cry in private. Both are normal. If you encounter one in the wild or see one after a “moment” please do not make them feel uncomfortable by asking why they are still crying. Grief never really goes away, the griever grows around their grief. They grow stronger and more resilient. So get comfortable with the uncomfortable and if you are walking with someone through a grief journey, maybe always have tissue in case they need it unexpectedly.

• Call or text them when you think of them. There is probably a reason why that person is on your heart. The Holy Spirit knows when they are in need of a kind word, conversation or even just a “Hey, I’m praying for you today” text. These interactions go a long way in helping those who are grieving feel connected, feel seen, and feel loved. So, the next time you feel that nudge, don’t dismiss it. There is someone who needs to hear from you!

• Prayer! Don’t under estimate praying. It is powerful, and when you think of them, just pray for God to be with them and for the Holy Spirit to comfort them. When you are with a griever, pray with them if they have needs. This will help them feel seen and loved.

So, who are you going to engage in conversation with soon? Who are you inviting to that event or dinner? Who are you going hug and let cry in front of you? Who are you going to pray for this next week?