I am not even sure where to start with this blog post. The last couple of weeks have been weird, difficult, normal, and full of all the emotions.

In May we began facing all the ‘1 year since…’ category of milestones. School is ending, summer is beginning, and it is time to face what is coming. Recently, I had a surprise attack of grief. You know the kind…where you are good all day and then a sound, smell, song, or memory flashes in and surprises you. When this happens you can be good in a moment and then the next you find that you are crying and fighting your way back to being ok. 

These surprise attacks happened often in the early days but as we have gone throughout the last 11 months they have become fewer and farther between. Then came a Thursday in May. This particular Thursday started off great. I felt good and it was a good day. Then, as the day went on, stress built up at work, and I was being very hard on myself regarding a particular matter. Which for me is normal, as I do not like to let others down or “mess up”. I work hard to do a good job and leave everything better than I found it. 

So, I find myself in this surprise moment, trying to figure out what is happening and fighting back the tears. As I am trying to compose myself the 3:10 bell rings dismissing school. Cheering erupts in the hallway as it is the last day of school for those who do not have to take any finals the next week. Then I felt it, that surprise grief attack hit. This is that kind of surprise grief attack that I had been hoping to avoid all school year. You know the one where you are certain that ugly, uncontrollable crying is about to happen and you just want to be somewhere that people are not. 

I quickly went to my office to collect my things, packed everything up and promptly got in my car to go home. As I was driving home, I found that I could not hold it back any longer and allowed myself to cry. As I pulled into the garage a co-worker called. She never calls unless there is an “issue”or needs help with something. Because of this, I felt like I should answer even though I was deep in the middle of this moment. I was really trying to not sound like I was crying but it didn’t work. Turns out there was no big thing or need, she just felt like she needed to call me. Isn’t that like the Holy Spirit to talk to others about us in our time of need so they feel led to reach out and meet us where we are?

At this point, I could not stop all of the tears. They just kept coming in waves. I went inside and spent some time with Willa. I had about an hour at home before I was to meet 3 friends and carpool to a baseball game. Still, the tears wouldn’t stop. I tried and tried but they would not stop. So I touched up my makeup the best I could and off I went to meet up with my friends. 

Knowing the tears could start again at any moment I wanted to be very strategic about where I sat in the car so as not to draw attention to the potential tears that would randomly come on the drive. Throughout the drive one of my friends kept asking work related questions and as I answered she kept staring like she knew something was wrong. And she was right, but she never asked or pushed for an answer/explanation in the car. 

We arrived at our destination and the tears started again. She asked another question and when I went to answer she stopped me and ever so gently asked “What is wrong?”. I said, nothing, not wanting to dig deep knowing more tears would fall. She did not let that answer fly and pushed again for a real answer. Holding back more tears, I said “all the things”. She said…I know. Then my other friend asked me a question and when I turned to answer her, she said, “Are you ok?”. I said no…but I will be. She followed with, “What is wrong?” And I answered the same, “All the things”. You see these precious people have walked with me since May 19 last year. They have supported me, they have prayed over me, and have continued to pray for me as I have walked this journey. They have been my lifeline, my sounding board, my refuge, and my friends. They are a safe place for me to just be me. 

That surprise attack of grief roared in and took over, while I took time to feel and be in that grief moment I also wanted to fight to keep my joy. Why are we programmed to feel ashamed of showing emotion in public? Why is it awkward or even a sign of weakness if a strong, confident woman cries when she is overcome with emotions? These are some of the questions I have been wrestling with these last 11 months.

If you didn’t already know, I am a strong-willed, stubborn woman. I prefer to try doing things myself before asking for help. I am not emotional. I am not a diva or dramatic. I am competitive. Honestly, I am really competitive. I love rules and clarity of responsibilities and shy away from situations where ambiguity prevails. I prefer to do things right the first time and not do something bad or wrong. I always give my best effort because anything less would be weak. So, why do I shy away from tears? Why do I often shy away from fully sharing even on this platform? Because our world has taught us that vulnerability and emotions are a sign of weakness. That being said, when one has lost their person, their first love, their spouse, why shouldn’t we be allowed to show weakness and vulnerability? This is the journey I have been on the last 11 months. 

• I now know that I cannot do everything by myself. 
• I now know that being vulnerable is uncomfortable but it helps those around me to see how they can best help me. 
• I now know that showing emotions in public is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that I deeply miss the love that is waiting for me in eternity.
• I now know that to truly walk through grief that I have to be honest first with God, then myself before others. 
• I now know that Christian counseling is a must for those walking through deep loss.
• I now know that grief never truly goes away, but I can grow around it. With the help of God peace and comfort can flood the grief spaces.

So, how do we continue to grow in this area? For me, I am approaching it like learning a new language. When learning a new language, you want to make sure you understand the vocabulary words and how they are used in a sentence, but you also must practice the accent. At first, it will be awkward and clunky. After you practice in a safe space you can try using your new language in real life situations. The same can be said for showing emotions or vulnerability. You should practice showing emotions at home or another safe space; but you should also practice showing emotions out in public. This is where I am. I am practicing a little here and a little there. Practicing in real life situations and around safe people. Then as I feel comfortable I will practice around others that I do not know. This is how we grow!

My challenge to myself and to you is to get out in the wild. You know those spaces that seem daunting and scary, and be vulnerable. Show emotions because even Jesus showed emotions.