His name is Jason. His name was Jason.

Two statements that describe both past and present just by changing one simple verb. This verb does not describe action, it describes a state of being.

When describing a person the verb “is” holds promise. For me it holds the promise of a future. For me it holds the potential for making memories. For me it holds all things in the present and current events. I am still young, so I have a lot of memories to make and time in front of me. Hope is key to continuing to still be able to use “is” in my daily vocabulary.

When describing a person the verb “was” holds memories. For me it holds the past close. For me it encapsulates all that I describe after it as special. For me it keeps everything after “was” in a place of honor. I have so many special memories with Jason. In fact, I have 28 years full of memories. There are special places, special events, and special food that we shared throughout our time together. We truly grew up together. There is not a single day that goes by that I do not miss him and wish that we had one more day together. If we had that day, I would take time to talk, go for a drive, and just be with each other. He had a way of making me laugh like no one else could. He knew what I was thinking and feeling with just a single look and was able to ask the questions to get to the issue. But more than any of that, he had a beautiful relationship with God and frequently challenged me to see my Heavenly Father the way he saw Him.

So see, those two opening statements hold both past and present just by changing a simple verb. 

As of today, I am one year into this grief journey. A journey where I have added the labels of widow and single mom. Grief is so personal and different based on the individual, but I wanted to share some of the things I have learned along the way and why I think they are important. Just know that a lot of these, for me, are still a work in progress. 

• Grief is big no matter what loss you experienced.
  • This is so true. I have lost people in my life and my grief was big each time. Never underestimate or compare your loss to that of someone else. Your feelings are valid and so is the size of your grief. 
• Grief is personal. No two people walk through grief the same, even if the deaths they experience are similar.
  • This. Please do not compare yourself to someone else. I did this in the early days and then realized that it was dumb. I am not the same person as anyone, so why would my grief or the way I grieve be the same?
• Grief is not on a neat and tidy timeline. It is ongoing.
  • All journeys come with high points and low points. Grief ebbs and flows based on so many things that it cannot be packaged into a 5 or 7 step process.
  • They say that grief gets smaller over time. I believe that instead of the grief shrinking, we learn to grow around our grief and that is what makes it seem smaller. So be patient with yourself and others who are grieving. It is an ongoing process.
• Grief can be lonely, but you do not have to be. Engage in community.
  • I cannot express this enough. You can do life alone, but to do life well everyone needs people. You need them for support or even just to be a sounding board. So find 1, find 15, or somewhere in between and build or engage in community.
• Some things cannot be “fixed”.
  •  Most of the time you don’t need a “fixer”, you just need someone to talk to, to pray with, or just sit with and be your true self.
  • You may have to express your needs to someone. Your need for a listener and not a fixer. Your need for a friend and not a boss in your life.
  • There are fixers out there that want nothing more than to help, but often on the most grief-filled days you just need someone to be there and not try to fix things. Do not shy away from expressing what you need. 
• In the early days make sure there are people around you to remind you to eat food, drink water, and rest. 
  • I thought this was annoying sometimes, but when it stopped, I found myself wondering when the last meal or snack was that I had. So, this is when having people around me was critical. I still had someone to care for, so I needed food and water to be able to function, even if it was at 5%. 
  • If you need help remembering to eat, consider keeping a food journal so you can see what you ate and when you ate last.
• In the early days and other days along your grief journey, your brain will be mush and even the most simple decisions are overwhelming. 
  • I have described this feeling as the “jello mold” and that is still the best way to explain how I felt. It truly felt as if the world was speeding past and I was stuck in slow motion. I kindly told my family and friends in the early days that I was not making any decisions, because it was exhausting and overwhelming. For example, I didn’t want to decide what was for dinner, I just needed food. 
• Go to counseling, open up, and be honest. Do the hard work of processing.
  • Counseling is a safe space for me to talk and express all that I need to express without judgment. Counseling is a place where I have processed thoughts and experiences throughout this first year. What I love most about my counselor is that for the time we spend talking she encourages me, challenges me, but more than anything she always brings it back to the Word. She lays a foundation of scripture and relates what we are talking about to the Word and that is always refreshing. I have learned so many new things about my Heavenly Father this year. He experienced emotions, He asked the hard questions, and He asked why. If you are a believer, find a Christian counselor in your area or ask your church who they recommend. Then go.
• Do not take offense to anything that is/is not said to you or done/not done for you.
  • Being offended is easy, but it will also prevent you from receiving God’s best in your life. Most people you will encounter have never walked through the trauma and grief that you are experiencing. They will not know the best things to do or say. It is ok. They mean well and in most cases they want the absolute best for you. So, give them a break and don’t take offense. Help them understand what bothered you so they can grow as well! This is how we can help normalize the topic of grief!
• Milestone days have been easy to prepare for but the moments of surprise grief have been the most difficult. 
  • You know the kind. The days where you are on the bread aisle in the store and feel like the walls are closing in and you cannot exit the building fast enough. These moments are hard. These moments have taken my breath away and forced me to find ways to focus. For me, it helps to listen to worship music, to read various passages in the Bible, and sometimes to take a short, power nap. 
  • You cannot plan for these surprise moments, but you can develop questions or actions that can help you get through the moment. Questions that help you get to the root of what triggered the memory. Questions that will help you process the grief in that moment so the next time will be easier.
  • Not all milestone days will suck. Some you will be able to enjoy and make new memories with your people and yet still feel the void of your person. This is still a picture of the place where joy and sorrow beautifully intertwine. 

Is and was. When I look at those words it makes me miss the person I was before the loss of my husband. I miss her hopes, I miss her dreams, I miss her plans, I miss her optimism, I miss her deep joy and laughter. I just miss her. 

At the same time, when I look at those words I see a new person who is still being discovered. She is full of hope, she is beginning to dream new dreams, she is making plans, she still has joy and is learning to laugh again. She is stronger than she thought she was, she is braver than before, and she can walk boldly into each day knowing that her Heavenly Father is already there and has provided for her every need. 

Is and was. When I look at those words it makes me remember who my Heavenly Father was and is. He was a comforter in my deepest pain and loss, He was the healer, He was the good Father that brought blessings, He was faithful, He was kind, He was patient, and He was waiting for me to come to Him with all that I needed.  Yet He still is all of those things and the best part is that I know that He is. In fact He was, He is and will always be! How comforting to know that regardless of what is going on in our world our Heavenly Father is the same yesterday, today, and forever. 

Is and was two statements that describe both past and present just by changing one simple verb. This verb does not describe action, it describes a state of being.