A quarter. A quarter of a century. Twenty five years sounds like a long time and yet it truly is not even long enough. While we didn’t make it to this milestone it still feels like we should have. We should be taking that epic trip that we had begun to plan. We should be going out for an amazing steak dinner and creme brulee dessert. We should be buying anniversary cards for each other or at least standing in the store, trying to find the perfect one to show him and then put it back because cards are so dang expensive. We should be having the conversation about why he should or shouldn’t buy me flowers or if he does, should he make an open show of it and deliver them to my work. Basically, we should be celebrating. 

Recently, I’ve had what seems to be days where it feels like something is missing more than usual. Normally, I would say I don’t know why, but this week is different. I know the reason behind the feeling. It is because there’s a milestone looming. It’s our wedding anniversary. It would have been 25 years on September 27th.  Since our 20th anniversary we have been talking and planning a big trip. You know one of those…“ Hey, you’ve made it to this epic wedding milestone!” kind of trips. But that all changed last July. 

So basically, there has been this feeling  in the back of my mind. A feeling where there’s not just something missing, but someone missing. Jason is missing. He was my someone to plan things with. He was the one I wanted to travel with. Most importantly he was the one I wanted to do all the things with. Yet, there is this missing piece. This Jason sized hole that I feel daily and yet it seems to get bigger on days like this. He was my person. He planned with me. He dreamed with me. He challenged me. He demonstrated God’s love for me daily. 

So what now? Do I celebrate what would have been? Do I plan an epic trip? Do I go out for a steak dinner? Or do I sit and remember? Do I allow the wave of grief to flood over me once again and mourn what once was? I genuinely want to know what the protocol is at this moment. Like what is proper? Who decides what is appropriate and acceptable? 

The answer is yes. Yes to all of it. I will have the steak dinner. I will plan an epic trip, although it may not look like what we would have done, I will go on an adventure and make new memories. I will continue to grieve and allow those waves to roll in and out, because with these waves come all the memories, and oh how I love all the memories. As to what the protocol is or what is proper, appropriate and acceptable, here is what I know, grief is personal. You get to decide what is right and wrong in your grief journey. You are in charge of what it looks and feels like for you and do not under any circumstances allow anyone to dictate what is right and wrong. 

So as I walk through this continued grief journey I have learned there is only one who can lead you and approve or disapprove of how you handle your grief journey. That is God. He is good. He is faithful. He will be with you in the valleys just as He is with you on the mountain tops. He will comfort you if you give all your cares, hurts, and disappointments to Him. 

So today I will celebrate. I will celebrate because I experienced love and because I made beautiful memories for 23 years of marriage and 4 years of dating. I will celebrate because Jason lived a life well lived and loved his family. Jason was an earthly example of our Heavenly Father’s love. So I will celebrate because I will see him one day soon.