Where have you been? Have you ever asked this question of someone? Or better yet, have you ever asked this question of yourself? You see, walking through grief and the loss of my husband I have realized that I am not the same person I once was. I am still the same old me, and yet I am a completely different person. See, the new me is hiding amongst the broken pieces. 

I grew up going on road trips and exploring new places and I still do, but I have found a new love for going places I have never been and finding the hidden adventures that exist just beyond the next curve in the road. There is just something about discovering new places, foods, and taking the scenic route home. It allows for one more song on the playlist, one more chapter from the audiobook, or even one more episode from your favorite podcast. I used to be the “plan all the things” type of a person, but now, after life’s most shattering loss I find comfort in approaching things without a color-coded and over thought out plan. 

Why is this shift important? I believe that it is important because it is expanding the view I have of my corner of the world. More than that it is helping me to grow and discover the new me piece by piece. This new version of me is still mostly unknown. In an effort to move forward and discover who this new person really is I am willing to try new things like working out and weightlifting. Here is the surprise, I am really enjoying it! I am constantly going and doing things…even if it is by myself.. I am making new memories. I am moving forward, not on. Yes there is a difference!

Moving forward is me trying these new things, new experiences and new foods while taking Jason’s memory with me. It is honoring him by acknowledging his role in my life and yet not shying away from making new memories without him. Moving on would be leaving Jason and his memory in the past and continuing to move forward without acknowledging his role in my life. Moving on and moving forward are often lumped together, and yet they are opposite. Moving forward would require me to take steps in my current situation. The visual I see is someone picking up their backpack and hiking through the woods. They are taking something with them as they travel. To me moving on seems to be when someone is literally standing up and walking away from the backpack. Essentially, in an effort to “make a new life” you leave behind all the things that remind you of the life with your person.

So why do I feel hidden? Like an ongoing game of hide and seek is being played and yet there is no winner. I believe it is because I am trying to find the new me. This new me can only be found amongst the broken pieces. This new me can only be found as my Heavenly Father picks up those pieces and creates a beautiful new masterpiece. This hidden me will take time to fully emerge from the hands of the creator. This new me is someone who grows with her grief because my Heavenly Father is walking with me every step of the way. The new me that is brave, strong, and capable of things I never thought possible. 

Friend, why are you hiding? Have you given your broken pieces over to your Heavenly Father yet? If not, go ahead, give them over to Him. You can trust Him with all of your broken pieces.