“Therefore my heart is glad and my spirit rejoices; my body also rests securely. For You will not abandon me to Sheol; You will not allow Your Faithful One to see decay. You reveal the path of life to me; in Your presence is abundant joy; in Your right hand are eternal pleasures.”

Psalm 16:9-11

WOW! This past week marked one year for the Reveal the Wonders blog. Insert quip here: “Time flies when you are having fun.” But can you really say that when you are walking through grief? Sure! I have had a lot of fun in the last year. I have made memories that are quite epic in the last year and yet within every epic moment and memory comes that pain. That pain that I am sure will be around forever because it is tied to missing Jason. He will always be a part of my life and a part of my heart. After-all, this is grief. It becomes part of you almost like every cell in your body has been reprogrammed to feel both deep sorrow and extreme joy at the same time. 

When I think back to last November all I can remember is still being in complete shock at what had happened and honestly feeling numb to what was going on around me. If you saw a smile on my face, chances are it was placed there on purpose and left intentionally until I could be alone to truly process what I was feeling.  I vividly remember walking through each day and yet there is very little I remember about each of those days. It was as if all I had the strength to do was get up, get ready and survive each day. But just barely surviving was what landed me on a one month sabbatical from work. It was during that month at home where I clearly heard the Lord ask me to write, to share and to be open and vulnerable with this journey. This is where, when and why the blog started and why I still write today. This journey is not over. I am still learning and growing and thus I am still sharing. 

So if I go back to last year, I can see that I was just a shell of the person I used to be and also a shell of the person I am today. I was lost and yet I knew exactly who to cling to for direction. I was broken and yet I knew who was in control of reassembling the pieces. I was exhausted, unable to really sleep and yet I knew who could provide true rest and refreshment. I was walking in full on deep grief. Yet, I was trying to find either the person I once was or trying to discover who I am without my first love. This journey led to all the “Why” and “What now” questions echoing in my heart and mind. 

Fast Forward to today: I recognize that I am different because grief and loss changes a person. I recognize that there are still whispers and shadows of the old me, but the new me that is emerging is pretty awesome! Both versions of me are strong, stubborn, sassy, and independent women. Both versions of me love their Heavenly Father, but the newer me understands on a deeper level just how gracious, faithful, and loving He truly is. This newer version of me keeps writing, sharing and being vulnerable on this journey.

If you knew the old me, I hope you have the opportunity to get to know the new me. She is learning to balance the tension between experiencing all the joy that life still has to offer with the sorrow of grief and loss that is still evident in daily life. You will find she has a new view of doing things, even if it means doing things afraid. Mostly because everyday is filled with something new, something different and something that she is experiencing for the first time alone. I hope you get to know the new me because more than anything she has a deep understanding of who holds her tomorrows, of who holds her hopes and dreams, and who has promised blessings to her. 

I want to leave you with some lyrics from a song by Toby Mac called “Faithfully”. It is part of his newest album Life after Death. The album is incredible, but this song truly expresses what this last 16 months has been like. Please don’t just read these lyrics, go look up the song and give it a listen!