Do you have a favorite chair or place to sit in your home? The chair where you can sip a hot cup of coffee, tea or hot chocolate while you read, study or pray. Maybe the chair is even by a window with your favorite view.  For me, it is the place where once I get comfortable, I immediately feel the weight of the world leave and I can just relax and truly be myself in front of my Heavenly Father. There are so many different types of chairs that serve various purposes. Below are a few I have sat in over the last year and a half. 

The airplane chair: these types of chairs inspire adventure and excitement especially for a trip where there are sure to be new experiences ahead. Travel is always fun, you can escape your daily reality to make new memories. There was a trip to the mountains that was packed with celebrating accomplishments and seeing God’s hand in nature.

The waiting room chair: these chairs tend to be oversized to fit anyone, not comfortable and cold. These chairs can be useful when waiting for answers and can be very unforgiving when they are the only option to use for a bed. I am convinced that these chairs are made uncomfortable on purpose, to prevent you from settling in and enjoying the space where these chairs reside. 

The couch: while this is not technically a chair, this is a place to sit. For me, this couch became a place where I spent time in quarantine. Some may think this sounds delightful, but I can assure you that it was anything but comfortable. This season came with uncertainty, with hope, a lot of prayer and a dash of trust for good measure. It came with more questions than answers and lots of moving supplies. 

The hospital ICU chair: this chair is surprisingly comfortable and as a bonus feature it reclines! This chair comes with a view I pray no one ever has to experience. This chair comes with yet again a plethora of questions and in my case not nearly enough answers. In this chair I experienced many ups and downs as I watched my love fight for his life. This chair provided minimal comfort the day we were told there was nothing more the doctors could do. This chair would be where I said my final goodbyes and watched my love “slip the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God”. Those words of President Ronald Reagan were echoing in my mind that beautiful July morning. 

The funeral chair: to be honest I do not remember much about this chair. I remember feeling like the day was very surreal. I wasn’t sure what emotions were going to be around the corner but I knew I did not want to lose it because I feared I would never regain composure. Plus, I knew Jason would not want the day to be sad and he would have hated how much he was talked about and his accomplishments celebrated. More than the ICU chair I pray you never have to sit in this chair, but if you do I pray you have people around you supporting you as you grieve and heal. 

The griever chair: this chair is one that often changes. It never feels the same. Some days you do not know it is there and others once you sit in it you feel as though you will never get up again. For me this first year went by quickly. This does not mean there weren’t moments that were challenging, sad, and some even exciting and full of joy. But I am learning that the chair sits differently in year 2. I am sure the chair will change every year, but I find that this year sitting in the chair has caused more questions along with raw conversations with my Heavenly Father. Everyone’s grief journey is different. It is different because the relationship you had with the one you lost was different from the relationship I had with Jason. Some helpful tips for those who know someone who sits in this chair: engage with them, lean in and be patient. Talk with them, ask them normal questions, and most importantly ask about their person. There is nothing more a griever wants than to have the opportunity to honor the legacy of those they have lost by talking about them and telling stories. It helps us feel connected to them even if only by a thread that is constantly slipping further away. 

The current chair is one that is specific to my loss and grief journey. It is the widow chair: this chair is the most uncomfortable and just when you feel like you are getting the hang of it and starting to relax something comes up and reminds you of your chair and more importantly the journey that brought you to that chair. I would never want anyone to sit in this chair, but I know that is not how our broken world works. I know several that have also been given this chair over the last year. It’s a club that no one talks about…yep, kind of like fight club. But I am learning more about this chair every day. This chair, or rather the population that is labeled “widow” is the most underserved in our nation, maybe even the world. Why? Probably because we don’t like that label and more importantly we do not like to ask for help. We would rather try to fix or do it by ourselves. So my admonition to those in this chair, accept the help, ask for help, and do not be afraid to engage in your community. To those who know someone in this chair, keep asking, be patient, and keep including them. They feel lost, they feel awkward, but they also have a desire to feel included and loved. 

Sitting in the widow chair has been quite the adventure. I never expected to have to sit in this seat in my mid 40’s, or really at any age. That being said, my Heavenly Father has been with me every step of the way.  He has infused me with hope for new things and is working in me to instill a new dream. Lately this seat has not felt as heavy yet it has caused me to grow. I have had to learn how to be comfortable in the uncomfortable…learning new things that Jason just knew. I have also been learning more about how to use the story God is writing to help others. This has been probably the most uncomfortable because it means I have to lean into being vulnerable. This is not easy for the “not emotional in public” me. I have had to learn how to slow down, to listen, to put away distractions and be present. I have had to learn how to be to others what I needed. Basically, I have had to shake off the old “secure and married” part of me to reveal the “secure and widowed” part of me. Do I do this well? Not often, but I know who I can lean on to help me…my Heavenly Father. 

There is one final chair I want to share with you. This is a chair that I sit in daily. This chair is always comfortable and welcoming. This chair provides just what I need the moment I settle in each day. This is the chair where I spend time with my Heavenly Father. The time I spend with Him gives me courage, strength, and peace to sit in the chairs I mentioned above. Sitting in this chair provides the ability  to sit in my current seat as a widow. It provides me the ability to tell others my story. God is still writing my story and just like the song by Big Daddy Weave and Katy Nichole says, “God is in this story. God is in the details. Even in the broken parts He holds my heart, He never fails. When I’m at my weakest I will trust in Jesus. Always in the highs and lows the One who goes before me. God is in this story.”

What kind of chair are you in at this time? What does that chair feel like and what do you need to feel more comfortable? Who do you need to sit with you? Because God is still writing my story, I know I can have hope that one day He will provide a different chair. The widow chair will not be my last!