Even if…I have said those words many times over the years. I have even uttered the phrase “What if” a time or two as well. But think about this, what if strikes fear. It leads you down a mental rabbit hole where you are automatically thinking about the worst things that could possibly happen and running all the scenarios through your mind. You might even be doing it now as you read this post. STOP! Look at the words Even If. They spark hope. They lead you down a different path, one that says “even if ______ happens I will still trust in you Lord”. You fill in the blank and make the sentence work for your personal scenario, but it should always end with knowing, trusting, and believing that your Heavenly Father wants nothing but His best for your life. 

Lately, I have had to employ the “even if” statements more than usual. Since February it has felt like a constant season of change and the need to make some very big decisions personally. For some, change is exciting and they crave it…not me. I do like some elements of change, however, for me though it is the unknown parts of change that are difficult. Embracing the uncomfortableness of ambiguity has never seemed fun or exciting to me…until recently. Since April I have been walking through a decision to change jobs. Now this change is not something that I was seeking, it actually came about because of some friends and their loving nudge to explore some options. But if I go back further than that, I think I have known for a while that my time in education was coming to a close. I say that mainly because the journey I have been on for the last two years has been so significant personally that it would eventually drive me to do something that helps those in my similar situation. But how? Only by the grace of my Heavenly Father and my amazing community have I been able to walk out this journey. Since February, I have learned more about my God given gifts, talents, core values, mission, vision, and purpose. I have learned that all I have walked through in my life has molded me and shaped me into who I am today and He wants to use all of those pieces for His glory. But with that comes the need for change and often those moments of uncomfortable ambiguity. I will add that anytime I have walked through making decisions or big changes while grieving it has made it more complicated because there are more emotions tangled up with every move. With these big changes it has amplified it even more. 

I have been at this education thing since graduating college in 1998. That is a long time! I have invested 11 years in the school I have been at most recently. I have built true friendships that will last a lifetime. The place has become like home. My daughter grew up and graduated from this school and she also made lifelong friendships there as well. The last two years this school has been a safe haven for me to walk through the toughest season I have ever faced. They provided a sanctuary for me to grieve, but did not allow me to grieve alone. They surrounded me and walked with me every step of the way. So to even think about stepping away from this place did not cross my mind, well at least stepping away anytime soon. I was thinking more along the lines of when I was of retirement age. But my Heavenly Father has a way of easing me into change. He has a way of lovingly preparing my heart for the hard decisions and conversations. If I look back, this past school year felt different. There were many days as I worshiped in the car on the way to school I would find myself in tears and not really knowing why. Looking back I was pre-grieving. I was being prepared to leave my safe haven or really it is more like leaving home. But I know that I have been prepared for this change. I know that I am going to be doing something that helps women walk through what I have been walking through the last two years. More than anything I know God called me to that school at that time so I could grow spiritually, mentally, and professionally in a way that prepared me for all that I have walked through up to today. I just could never have imagined all that would go into shaping me into the woman I am today 11 years ago. But it is easy to look back and gain perspective. 

Each year about this time I sit and re-read through my journals from when Jason was in the hospital. I never want to forget those moments, not because of what was happening, but because instead of running from God when our prayers were seemingly unanswered I ran to Him. I was in a place spiritually where I felt immoveable and unshakeable. I was embracing the “even if” of the situation. I never felt fear of the future creeping in, I never felt doubt that God would not take care of me, and I never felt alone or abandoned. In fact I want to share just a few of the confessions that I wrote during this uncertain time:

• I do not fear the future because you are already there.
• I do not fear the journey because I Know you go before me, behind me, and all around me. 
• I know you are a miracle working God because your Word is alive and powerful.
• I am strong because my source of strength, confidence and courage is my Heavenly Father.
• I know you will never fail me so I walk in peace because I trust in you. 

Each year, as I have read through the journals there is something new that stands out to me. Something I wrote in the moment that seemed small or insignificant and yet two years later is perfect for when I am reading it. If you do not journal that is ok! We have a written record or holy words that have been inspiring people for centuries! These writings have been curated and put together to create the Bible. The words found in this book were inspired and written in a way that makes them relevant and helpful even today. They infuse hope, joy and refreshment into my life and they will do the same for you, but you have to open the book and read. If you don’t know where to start, start with the gospels Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Just start reading. The words and the stories will change your perspective and your life! The words will bring comfort when you are in the midst of hard times. The words will bring joy and refreshment when you are tired. 

So my friends, what is your “even if” right now? How can you change the narrative from “what if” to “even if” and what scriptures are you standing on to give you hope, strength and courage?