Perspective is a funny thing, mainly because your opinion and knowledge of a situation relies totally on how you view and experience the situation. For example: My perspective of the landscape of Oklahoma is much different when I am driving through the state than when I am flying over the beautiful Sooner state. So, why am I talking about perspective? Because, I am marching at a rapid pace toward the 2 year mark of when Jason passed away and the perspective of 2 years from that life changing event is much different than the perspective of going through those extremely tough days as well as the perspective of 1 year from that life changing event. 

While Jason was in the hospital I kept a journal. I wrote about each day in detail because I wanted to be able to fill him in on what he missed while he was sedated. During those 7+ weeks I kept hope and I experienced a holy kind of peace. Last year and again this year I have read through what I wrote each day during that journey. Some days are easy to read and remember, others I feel the words I wrote just as deeply as I did when I wrote them. This is perspective. 

The woman who wrote those words in her journal was fighting a big battle for her husband and her family. The woman who wrote those words in her journal was tired physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. The woman who wrote those words in her journal was leaning on her Heavenly Father like she never had before. More than that, through reading the words in those journals I see that the woman who wrote those words loved her husband, missed him terribly and wanted nothing less than for him to open his eyes, talk to her, get out of the bed, give her the biggest hug, and make a full recovery. This is perspective. 

The woman who lived past those words she wrote is still fighting battles for her family. The woman who lived past those words she wrote is still tired physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally some days. However, the woman who lived past those words she wrote has realized she is stronger than she thought she was, she is resilient, she is compassionate, and she is realizing that God is asking more of her in this new season. Again, this is perspective!

I was recently asked by a dear friend what my biggest regret was and honestly the question caught me off guard. My mind began racing. I have so many regrets and perspective has granted me the gift of reflection on not only the journey when Jason was sick and in the hospital, but also over the course of our 28 years together. Of course the normal questions arise, like did I make the right decisions concerning his care, did I say “I love you” enough and so on. But what I realized in that moment was it goes deeper than that. We both said “I love you” as often as we could. We took the road trips, although I do wish we would have done a little more exploring so mark that as a slight regret. We laughed together, we celebrated with each other, and we had great moments together as a family. Really, when it came down to giving an answer I gave two: first I wish we would have taken more time to sit around the table for dinner and conversations. Second, I wish Jason and I would have had more conversations about our wishes for end of life care. Again, I could list so many more things on a list of regrets like, I wish I would have taken more time to sit and talk with him between May 21 and May 26. I wish I would have shared the phone with Abby when he called on June 7. I wish, I wish, I wish. 

These are things I cannot change, yet as I look back it can influence choices I make today and every day moving forward. I can choose to let these thoughts dominate my mind or I can choose to use what I know and what I experienced as a launching point to be different every day. To choose to sit and talk instead of being busy. To choose to include others in my daily walk because there is power in unity and community. To choose to slow down so I can hear the still small voice of my Heavenly Father when I need His comfort, guidance and love the most. See, perspective can be a good thing although in my life it is almost always challenging!

When I think about sitting, slowing down, listening and just being in the presence of my Heavenly Father, my family, my friends or whoever I am sitting across from in the moment, I think about the story of Mary and Martha when Jesus came to their home. 

“Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42 ESV

How many times are we like Martha when we should be more like Mary? How many times has our phone, computer, tv, tablet, book, or whatever been a distraction and prevented us from engaging with those around us? I often think how many interactions have I missed over my 46 years because of being distracted? 

So as I sit and ponder this upcoming milestone, I can remember the hard times we experienced and grew through. I can recount the decisions we made as a couple as well as the difficult decisions I had to make on his behalf.  It is easy to vividly remember all of the good things, especially when you have grown up together, there are bound to be a lot of happy memories!  I love that our Heavenly Father has given us the gift of memories. Because of this gift, I can still hear his laugh after telling one of those really corny dad jokes or after he shared one of his classic funny sayings that rolled off his tongue as if he had been saving it for just that particular moment. I can still see the twinkle in his eyes once he cracked a joke or just thought of something that he had yet to share. This is the perspective I will treasure this week as we honor a life well lived. 

I want to use my gift of perspective to recall the good things that my Heavenly Father has provided for me throughout my life. I want to sit at His feet and be in His presence so I can hear His still small voice. Basically, I want to be a Mary in this Martha world. How about you?