I have written a lot about the tension between grief and joy. There always seems to be some fence that I am straddling and constantly torn between two sides of life. I guess it will always be this way, yet I do not allow it to prevent me from moving forward. I have recently defined this feeling as more of a Volume 1 versus Volume 2 kind of a life. 

I feel like with all that I have walked through I have grown and become a different person and yet every now and then I see echoes of that Samantha character from Volume 1. Volume 1 has had a very real impact on who I am in Volume 2, but there are so many differences. I could not stay the same. And the same should be said about you. Your experiences in life should change you. Your relationship with your Heavenly Father should change you, especially if you are truly leaning into all that God is asking of you and calling you to do. It should change you. This is not easy and really, let’s be honest it is not all fun. It is hard work and it demands something from you in return. Change. 

Change can be scary and yet at the same time it holds so much hope! Hope for something new. Hope for a new adventure. Hope in rebuilding a life anchored in your Heavenly Father. That being said…being a widow is hard. Truthfully, being a woman is hard. The days are long and honestly I know we can all say that each day presents us with moments we never thought we would have regardless of your journey. As I have walked through some of the hardest days of my life, which I might add I never thought I would have to do until I was about 90, I have realized that I am stuck right in the middle of here and there (some also say the already and not yet). I think loss in general highlights this for us as believers. The Bible makes it very clear that we are not currently residing in our “home”. We are foreigners in this land. As foreigners we will face troubles, hardships and struggles. More than anything it is uncomfortable. Sure, there are good times, times filled with joy and blessings. Yet it is also hard and filled with uncertainty. BUT GOD. 

But God. I think there aren’t two words that could separate my Volume 1 and 2 than those two right there…BUT GOD. You see: 

• The enemy meant for the loss of my spouse to ruin me. To make me question my belief in my Heavenly Father and ultimately my faith. BUT GOD. 
• The enemy meant for the loss of my spouse to make me feel isolated and question the worth of my life without my high school sweetheart and my first love. BUT GOD.
• The enemy meant for the loss of my spouse and the father of my baby girl to divide and break our family into irreparable pieces. BUT GOD.
• The enemy meant for the loss of my spouse to cause me to question my worth, my value, my career and my community. BUT GOD. 

Here is what my Heavenly Father has done in the wake of losing my spouse:

• He has shown me what healthy grieving (for me) looks like.
• He has provided beautiful friends, family and community to walk alongside me and my daughter.
• Through others He has provided meals, supplies and finances when needed.
• He has provided favor in deals and purchases.
• He has provided me with grit and grace to make it through the easy days as well as the days where I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed.
• He has shown me that all of my questions are valid and acceptable. 
• He has shown me that I am not alone, I am worthy of His love and my life still has a meaning and a purpose.
• He has provided beautiful opportunities to connect with my daughter in a way that never would have been possible without walking through this loss and grief together. If you love dark humor, hang out with us for a while, we are always laughing about something! 
• He has opened my eyes to see that everyone is either currently walking through their own valley, just completed a walk through a valley or is preparing to enter a valley. No matter what part of the story others are in I should treat them gently and like others treated me. 
• He has shown me that I am worthy because He intentionally created me and called me to a purpose that is far beyond what I ever planned or imagined for my life. Because I still have breath in my lungs He still has a plan and a purpose for me. 
• He has provided spaces and places where I could share my story and use it to encourage and cheer others on in their walk. Being a widow, or really just a woman in today’s society is not easy. We should be cheering our sister on to what they are called to do. This life is not a competition!

Our stories and words have power. They have the power to encourage and embolden others around us. So while your story may not be the same as mine, it is still powerful and can impact your community. What is your BUT GOD moment or rather your testimony? Share it, because there is power in what God has done in your life and people need to hear your story so they can be encouraged and empowered.