Well, here we are again rounding the corner to another milestone. If I sit and think about it, I cannot believe that we have made it to the 3-year mark. How has it been that long and how has it not been longer? If you know…you know. 

When I reflect back on the first year it was truly about grit and survival. When I read my journals or even just read through my social media memories or early blog posts here,  it is amazing that I was able to put coherent thoughts together for you to read. I was barely making it through each day only to retreat to my home, fill my time by being “busy” only to try putting together a few hours of sleep before throwing back some coffee and starting all over again the next day. When I look at pictures from that first year, they show a person smiling or doing whatever activity was available, but when I look at them I see the pain, the emptiness, and quite frankly the deep grief that I was trying my best to navigate. It made me look like a shell of who I was and who I am today. 

Then when I finally made it to year 2, I started to feel the widow’s grief brain begin to clear up and I finally felt like I was standing on somewhat level ground or rather like I just might be leveling out to a “new normal”. It was at this time that I was hit with some unknown type of nuclear emotions that arrived out of nowhere around all the anniversaries or hard days. Why? Well, my theory is that you are in such a numb shell of yourself state in year 1 that you are focusing on survival and just making it to the next day you celebrate those wins. Then, in year 2, you let your guard down just a little, because you have navigated these days before so you should know all the potholes and be able to make it easily through…not! Year 2 has revealed a new level of vulnerability and emotion. It has left me in tears over the silliest of things and in the most public of places. If you know me, you know it is not my normal way or place to process emotion. I have found myself on more than one occasion saying, “Yep, that’s year 2 for you!” and those who are ahead of me just nod because they know. 

So what is in store for year 3? I am not sure. But what I do know is that I will continue to move forward. I will continue to live, thrive, and relentlessly protect the legacy of Jason for Abby. What I have learned from year 1 and 2 is that I have amazing people in my life. They have held me up when I didn’t have the strength, just like Aaron and Hur did for Moses when he could no longer hold up his arms. They have prayed for me and they have prayed with me! They have celebrated my wins and have accompanied me on some of my most excellent adventures. They have truly been an earthly example of my Heavenly Father’s love and I know that I would not be reaching this milestone without them. There is not a finer group of people that I want walking alongside me into year 3 and beyond.

Now, let’s talk about this whole moving forward thing. Some might not understand or accept that I even use the term “moving forward’, but let me explain. I am in my 40’s, I have a whole life ahead of me and I want to fill that life with adventure, love, and all my favorite people. Does this mean that I am forgetting about the life I had with Jason? Nope! On the contrary, it means that I am taking all that I learned from that “Volume 1” part of my life and using it to help me be the best version of myself in this “Volume 2” life I am now living. As I said earlier, I want to fiercely protect the legacy as well as my memories of Jason, yet I want nothing more than to make new memories, love deeply, and share the rest of my life with someone else, so yes, I am dating. 

I know this is something I have not shared on this platform before, but I felt like it was time. Also, when I started this blog I knew that I was being asked and stretched to share all the parts of my walk in widowhood. The good, the bad, and the ugly if you will, but I have held this piece close for a variety of personal reasons. Now, I am ready to share. You see, during year 2 I embarked on the adventure of dating. Please keep in mind that this was something that I had not done in about 30 years and let’s be honest, whoever thinks or plans on what they will do when they are faced with having to start dating again in their 40’s, 50’s, and beyond? Not me! This was a daunting task because how does one meet someone when you don’t frequent the “typical” places that people meet and the quality people you and your friends know are all married or in committed relationships? Well, I went online and I informed my people of my new adventure. As I informed them of what I was doing, I sent them on deep-dive fact-finding missions anytime I found a worthy suitor. Let me just say, they understood the assignment and I love them for being willing to help me out! If you are in a similar situation, please find people who can help you in this way. It helped me find out who I was really talking to and helped me feel confident once I decided to meet someone face-to-face. 

When I first began this journey it was a process of trial and error. I had to be honest with myself about what I am looking for and more importantly what qualities are important to me now at this stage of my life. I found that I was blissfully ignorant about certain things in my 20’s…yet it did lead to a beautiful experience that spanned a little more than 2 decades. As a result, I began to narrow down what characteristics and qualities I desired out of a partner that I would want to grow older with me. 

What I did know was that the person I chose to date was not going to be compared to Jason, because that is not what dating in this phase of my life is about.  I am not looking for a replacement. I am looking for someone who enhances this “Volume 2” version of me. Someone who compliments me and brings me joy. I am looking for someone who is both the same as me and the opposite of me in all the best ways! I also knew that it was important for me to be looking for someone who has a relationship with God. Someone who is actively seeking and learning more about Him daily. Someone who reads the Word, asks questions, and isn’t afraid to lean in and dig deep. Someone willing to fight for me when times get tough as well as someone willing to fight alongside me in any challenge we might face as we grow older. 

So, you should know that for the last several months, I have spent time getting to know someone. He makes me laugh and he is kind. He opens all the doors and he can match my sass and stubbornness with ease and in the best way. He understands my story and honors the place that Jason held. He has a story but it is not the same as mine and I honor the memories and past that he has as well. He has people who love him and want nothing more for him than to be happy. He has people that are as protective over him as my people are of me and honestly, that is how it should be at any age! He loves God and is actively seeking to learn more like me and as a result, we have great discussions about sermons and have even engaged in a deep dive Bible study of the book of James. Sure, we don’t agree on everything, but we are still in that “get to know you and how you respond” phase. More than anything we are taking our time and enjoying the process. There is no rush and it means that we can be in the moment and enjoy making all the memories. 

Before I finish this post, I want to put a few things out there for the widow reading this and also for those walking alongside a grieving widow who is moving forward daily but who also may be branching out and dating again. Please keep in mind this is a list of my experiences and conversations I have had with other widows. I would love to hear your experiences and feedback!

For the widow who might be reading this: 

• There is no right or wrong way to walk through grief and widowhood. 
• I know you are doing your best to grieve well and honor the life and legacy of your spouse daily and I also see you are trying to find who you are now and what your God-given calling and purpose is for this chapter of your life.
• You got this! You are stronger than you think you are and you can do challenging things!
• If you want to date again, go for it. If you do not, go for it. Regardless, get involved with a local widows group at your church. Those women there need what you have to offer and you need what they have to offer. We should not walk this journey alone!

For the friends, family, and community walking alongside a widow:

• Be patient and kind. Ask questions but do not assume that we will immediately have an answer it may take us a while to process how we want to answer.
• If you are also walking through grief, please do not project your processing and timeline onto us. We have our own processing, timeline issues, and stress to deal with and do not need additional stress.
•  What you may see, feel, or identify as a “rash’ decision may have been the result of a long process and discussions that you were not privy to behind the scenes. We are making our decisions through prayer and wise counsel. 
• Come to the table with an open mind when you are invited to meet our new person. Remember, the widow is not actively seeking a replacement, but an enhancement. This applies to our relationship with you as well as to the relationship with our deceased spouse. 

More than anything, know that we love you just as much as you love us. We are not dating or seeking new widowed friends to replace you, but to help ground us and provide a joyous and hopeful outlook on the next chapter, or rather our Volume 2 life.

So, here is to year 3. May it hold all the adventure, love, and life that all the years previous and all the years yet to come!