This is me. I am learning to love who I am becoming even though it looks nothing like I thought it would 4 years ago and even as recently as a year ago. Things change. Jobs change. People in your life change for various reasons. Yet, God never changes. 

As I sit here and write I realize something that I had not thought of before this last month, I have not been authentically me. Here is what I mean by that. I have hidden or held back pieces of my personality, energy, and just me as an overall package to try and fit in a mold where I do not belong. That should never be the case. Can you relate? 

My goal moving forward is to be authentically me. Because this is the “me” that God made. He created me uniquely and with a purpose! So, take it or leave it. Either I am too much or just enough for you to handle, manage, or be around daily. Regardless, my holding back and not being fully authentic ends now. I have not endured heart-shattering loss, rebuilding, growth, and moment-by-moment reliance on my Heavenly Father to walk through life trying to fit in molds where I do not belong. My Heavenly Father made a mold that was intended just for me and I need to only worry about making that one fit and wearing it to the fullness that He intended me to!

Recently I had a birthday. I turned 48, marking the 4th time I celebrated without Jason. Each year I am shocked when I hit that wall on my day where I only want to hear him celebrate me, hug me, or just see that twinkle in his eye and his smile again. Yet every year it has snuck up on me and I find myself holding back tears. This year was no different. This year also had other emotions competing for attention which made it extra difficult, but I made it through. I decided to travel for my birthday. I saw my family and watched my nephews and my niece do things that bring them joy. I took a friend that I have had in my life for more than 3 decades. If you do not have at least 1 lifelong friend, start that friendship now. I am better because she calls me out and never lets me hide behind the “I’m fine” answer I love to give. I pray that I am that same friend to her. We have seen the ultimate highs and lows in life together and our friendship has survived. I pray that we continue to be friends and sharpen each other to keep God at the center and never settle for just “ok”.  

As I have been celebrating this birthday, I realized that life and the people you fill it with are precious. These people deserve your full attention. They deserve for you to look up from your screen and engage them in conversation. They deserve for you to pray for them when they ask. They deserve for you to lean in and listen not just to the words they say, but also the emotions they convey when they speak those words. I have not been the best at this lately and that changes now. Family and friends are my priority after God and my job. 

Additionally, I have realized that I deserve nothing less than God’s best for me. He has a plan and no amount of me pushing my plan on Him will change what He has for my life. I need to learn to sit at His feet, worship, pray, seek, knock, and be quiet enough to hear all He has to say to me. I know He is speaking and He longs to have a relationship with me that isn’t one-sided. One Sunday in church a pastor was talking about Mary and Martha. This story has come up over and over again over the last several years. You see, I tend to lean toward the doing of Martha and I need to learn how to sit at His feet like Mary. But this pastor brought out something different in this story. He talked about Mary sitting at Jesus’ feet as sweet worship. Worship and our relationship with our Heavenly Father is never about the doing, but always about the being. Wow, how often do I get busy and forget to just sit in the quiet presence of my Heavenly Father? I am learning that it is in this space where I find the me I have been hiding away. 

Finally, I want to yet again address the concept of feeling at home. This has been something I have struggled with the most since Jason died. He was my safe place, my support, and my home. When he died I felt lost, I felt alone and like I was ripped in half without the possibility of restoration. Slowly, this feeling of home has been restored. This has not been a quick process, it has been a day-to-day battle where I realized that home is not a person or a place. Home is where I spend time with my Heavenly Father. Because this earth is not our final destination we will never feel quite settled or satisfied. We should always feel misplaced and longing for our eternal home, heaven. In the meantime, here are some things I know now that I failed to realize before losing Jason 3+ years ago, or maybe I just understand these differently now.

• God is a God of hope and restoration.
  • He is always doing so much more than we realize. Even when it feels like He isn’t working or moving He is! Never doubt that!
• God has always been my true safe place, support, and home, not Jason.
• Jason was the earthly representation of my Heavenly Father and His love for me.
  • Because God has placed a desire in my heart to be married again, this quality is at the top of the list when I pray for that next man. 
• God loves to meet us in our despair and hurt.
  • We have to be willing to sit and allow Him to meet us. We have to give Him our hurts, pain, etc. 
• God loves to restore the broken pieces in a way you never expected.
  • Think of life like a tapestry. What is visible or displayed is a beautiful piece of art yet the back side is knots and threads that don’t make sense. Our Heavenly Father sees both sides and always makes sure they are beautiful and He gets the glory for the finished work.
• When I spend time with my Heavenly Father I am home.
  • Psalm 84 – read it. How our souls long to be in His presence. 
• Working to reflect Him in my daily life brings Him joy.
  • He delights in me. He delights in you! 
• He has a beautiful plan for this volume of my life and I need to be like Mary and sit with Him so I don’t miss it in the doing like Martha.