I’ll be home for Christmas. As I sit and enjoy the glow of the beautiful Christmas lights on my tree, I realize that lately, I have felt more at home than at any time over the last 3.5 years.  It occurs to me that I finally understand that while a place might feel like a home, or a person may help you feel at home when you are with them, my true home is my Heavenly Father. I say this because for a while I lost sight of my ‘center’. I replaced the time I should have been spending with Him for spending time with people and doing various things. As a result, my relationship with Him and others suffered. So why do I say that home is with Him? Well, John 14:3 says, “If I go away and prepare a place for you, I will come again and take you to myself, so that where I am you may be also.” Plus, Carrie Underwood also said it best in her song “Temporary Home”:

“This is our temporary home

It’s not where we belong

Windows in rooms that we’re passin’ through

This is just a stop, on the way to where we’re going

I’m not afraid because I know this is our

Temporary home”

Throughout this year, I have shifted my focus back to my Heavenly Father and my relationship with Him. I have learned that this has to be the priority regardless of what is happening in my life. This has to be a priority because in this place I am more confident instead of fearful, I am more at peace instead of living in chaos, and when I place a priority on my relationship with my Heavenly Father, I feel settled and at home. Do I still get fearful or feel like chaos is running amok? Yes, absolutely, because I am human. Do I still run to the One that can calm all of those? Yes, absolutely!

Through everything I have experienced this year, in early November, I came to a decision: I wanted to decorate my home for Christmas. This meant that for the first time on my own, I would need to buy a Christmas tree. This also meant that I would need to travel to storage and get all the boxes that contained all of our Christmas decorations. This may seem like no big deal, but please realize that I have only decorated my home one other Christmas. It was year 2 and I decided that I was going to check that box and decorate, mainly because it felt like something I was supposed to do. I definitely did not want to do it and it was such a struggle to unpack and decorate knowing the last time those items were out of the box my life was as it used to be. Once it was finished, I was able to enjoy it, but behind every moment of joy was such a sharp sting. I was still getting used to my new “normal” and celebrating holidays or really just any occasion was not something I had settled into just yet. That year was tough. I hosted a couple of dinner parties, made some new traditions with my girl, and forced a smile most of the time. But I was still in the phase of deep grief where I felt like I was betraying his memory by celebrating and experiencing joy. Now, I know better. Now, I know that grief and joy can coexist. I know that moving forward and experiencing all that life has for me now is not a betrayal of his memory. It is a testament to the life we led and how he impacted me. So, this year is different. This year, I will celebrate while embracing all that grief has taught me. This year, I will spend time honoring and remembering a life well lived while still living mine! 

Basically, I have decided that I am taking not only Christmas back but also all of the other opportunities to celebrate! It is something I have been working on since summer. I want to live a life full of joy and embrace every possible moment with the people I hold most dear. So, my goal is this year, to celebrate life to the fullest while still holding space for sorrow and all the emotions that accompany grief. This may mean there are times when the tears flow and that is more than ok! This may also mean that there are times when there is true joy, laughter, and excitement over new memories…this is also more than ok! You see, if I have learned anything through this whole grief journey it is that in life you have to hold both joy and sorrow. Meaning this, you cannot walk through life in the neutral zone of emotions. If you do, you are not truly showing love. Love means that you are accepting the fact that you will experience joy and pain from those whom you love and those who love you in return. This year, you will find me enjoying the new tree that I picked out and decorated. You will also find me admiring my favorite Willow Tree nativity set. But more than anything, you will find me spending time with my people. You will find me taking photos of the moments that mean the most to me and yes, I will be in photos too! I am still grieving the loss of my spouse, but that does not define the entirety of who I am! I am a widow who is filled with joy and anticipation over what is yet to come! “I’m not moving on, I’m moving forward.”

As I decorated I realized that I had not embraced the feelings and emotions that came with unpacking the things that were once ‘ours’ that are now ‘mine’. I carefully selected the ornaments that I put on the tree and even found I needed to take a minute to go outside and just stand barefoot on the concrete as I acknowledged the emotions that were trying to overwhelm me. As I did this, I realized that I was doing the right thing. Embracing the emotions of loss and grief even amid celebration and joy! That is yet another milestone for me and it means that healing is happening!

I have come to terms with the fact that the grief, sorrow, and loss will always be with me in some sort of way. It lurks just below the surface of every day and every event. Despite this, I know I can still smile, experience joy, find love, and even make new memories. Basically, grief and loss will always be part of my story, but it does not have to define me or even be the breaking news of my life anymore! I have grown so much through this journey and know there is so much more ahead in the second half of my life! I look forward to each day with this new lens: what does my Heavenly Father have in store for me today? What does He want to do in me and through me? How can I be the best reflection of His love to those I interact with today? 

These are all questions that I never would have thought, or at least, would not be the first thoughts I had in Volume 1. In Volume 2, I know that nothing matters if others do not see Him in me. If I can succeed at that, it means that I am spending time at home with Him and allowing Him to lead and guide me. 

This is why I will be ‘home for Christmas’.