This time of year I always hear the song “Auld Lang Syne” played. The year Jason died it was hard to hear those words because it brought to mind all the things I was leaving behind in 2021. Still to this day, this song brings tears to my eyes, especially the version by Pentatonix.

“Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?

Should old acquaintance be forgot in the days of auld lang syne?

In the days of auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne

We’ll drink a cup of kindness yet for the sake of auld lang syne.”

Did you know that the translation for “Auld Lang Syne” means “old long ago”? The song is intended to reflect on the passage of time and the importance of cherishing old friendships and memories. It is often sung at the end of the year as a way to close out the current year and ring in the new year.  What a beautiful picture of being grateful for those celebrating with you and honoring those who may no longer be here. 

The whole concept of the new year snuck up on me during my first holiday season without Jason. I was so focused on making it through the first Christmas that I ignored the fact that I was exhausted. I had taken a long road trip with my daughter and my bonus daughter, got home, and turned around to leave town again a few hours later to celebrate with family. After Christmas, I returned home to pack it up and move. So when New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day arrived all I had the energy to do was sit on my couch and cry as the year changed from 2021 to 2022. It hurt knowing that I was stepping into a time period on a calendar where there would be no physical or digital record of him. I did not want midnight to happen. Then it did. I felt hopeless and lost. But something was stirring inside me to not stay there. Something was pushing me to keep moving and keep going forward. I intentionally surrounded myself with my family, friends, and community. I continued to lean into all that my Heavenly Father was speaking to me. 

Was grief still waiting for me in the new year? Yes! 

Could I hide from it? No! 

Each new year has still been accompanied by the sting of yet another calendar filled with days that he is not here to enjoy. However, I have noticed as I get further from that day in 2021, that the sting hurts less, and in its place, precious memories and stories have taken residence. It is easier to talk about him, to tell dark-humor jokes, and to say weird things about grief. This year is no different. There is still the sting of what was lost, yet 2024 was filled with so many wonderful people, places, and memories! More than that, I am able to sit with the tension of grief and joy, because I can feel the hope and expectation rising up inside of me over what 2025 might hold. This year will hold big milestones just as 2024 did, so I know there will be days that the tears win over the smiles, but isn’t that grief? The grief that I experience seems to be where in each moment you feel as though you could smile and cry knowing you are doing your best to honor a life well lived. I pray that I am making the most of each of these moments and honoring his life and legacy in a way that makes him proud.

Have I walked out this grief journey perfectly? Absolutely not! 

But I have always tried to allow God to lead and guide me through each day. I have leaned on Him and my community more in the last 3.5 years than at any other time in my life. My encouragement to you is that you do the same. This journey is not to be done alone and really life should not be done alone! I write and post here to share what I have learned in hopes that it helps someone who is lost and struggling to move forward. Please know that while each new year is void of that person, it is not void of our Heavenly Father. He is still walking with us just as He did in the previous year! 

So, sit back, tell the stories, say the weird things, and learn more about your person as you continue to make space for the tension between joy and grief in the new year! Above all make new memories, live a life your loved one would be proud of, and savor all the moments! Maybe one day, we’ll drink a cup of kindness yet for the sake of Auld Lang Syne!