“Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”

Psalm 103:1-5

 _{It is so easy to say, “Be thankful.” But when you are walking through grief and loss it is often challenging to find things to be thankful for, especially on the really tough days. Giving thanks is often tough because grief is so encompassing and yet as a believer we are challenged to “Give thanks to the Lord for He is good. His love endures forever.” I Chronicles 16:34. There have been so many days where all I could give thanks for was being able to get up and be thankful for the food and coffee I had for breakfast. You know the feeling. When it seems like all you could be thankful for is all the small things. Yet every time I expressed my gratitude I found it easier to find more significant things to be thankful for, especially once I committed to expressing gratitude.} 

_{Will holidays ever feel like they used to? No. Should I expect things to be “normal” and operate like they used to? No. What was normal is not anymore. What the holidays and even regular days brought before the loss is not what you should expect after the loss. It is not the same because you are missing a person, someone who added to the culture of your family, someone who helped the holidays feel magical and someone who made home feel like home. I have often said that celebrating post loss is like trying to clap one handed. You are still trying to do a normal activity, yet it’s not working. So, do not treat or expect holidays to be like they used to. Expect them to look and feel different, but do not shy away from being thankful. God is good even when life isn’t and God is faithful even when we lack faith. Make a plan for something different, make a plan that is comfortable for you and your immediate family.} 

_{I have been learning about the character of God. In Exodus He is described as compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. More than that His character doesn’t change. How comforting is that? He doesn’t change, His character doesn’t change. I now have more to be thankful for because my Heavenly Father is always compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love and faithfulness. These aspects of His character do not rely on how I feel or what I am experiencing. I cannot change His character. I can change my attitude and the focus of my thoughts. I can be thankful in the midst of grief and loss.} 

_{This year my daughter and I started something that I hope we will repeat every year. She bought a couple of white pumpkins (not real) and a sharpie marker. Each day we write what we are thankful for on the pumpkin so at the end of November we will have two pumpkins full of all the things we are thankful for! At first that empty pumpkin looked daunting. It seemed like a big task to fill it up with words describing all the things that we are thankful for despite our loss. I am going to do the same below. I am going to list some of the things I am thankful for this November and really just any day of the year. This list is not all encompassing of everything I am thankful for, but it is a start. It challenges me to keep finding things to be thankful for because when I do, my thoughts are not on my problems and what I am missing. Being thankful has helped me to refocus, to look at what I have, to recall all that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with and more than anything all that He has promised to me as his daughter.}

_{I want to challenge you to do a thankful challenge. But do not do it alone. Find family members and friends to do it along with you. This helps you spread thankfulness and at the same time build in accountability partners. It is easy to “forget” or get busy, but being thankful causes you to intentionally slow down and refocus. Below is my list, I dare you to make one of your own!}

• _{I am thankful for my Heavenly Father. That He is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love and faithfulness. I am thankful that He does not change.}
• _{I am thankful for my daughter. Her name means joy of the father and she radiates that daily. She is so much like her father that it is a daily reminder of all the good things about him and yet she looks like me. So it is a fun combination and I love being her mom/life adventure guide.}
• _{I am thankful for my family and Jason’s family. They provided so much support and guidance while he was in the hospital and everyday since. My daughter and I would not have made it this far without them!}
• _{I am thankful for my church. My church family has been such a source of encouragement and has provided a great community in a time where we needed this kind of support the most.} 
• _{I am thankful for my friends. My friends have been my rock. My friends have been a safe place for me to talk, to cry, and to process. In turn they have been a beautiful picture of the love of my Heavenly Father here on earth.} 
• _{I am thankful for my job. It has been a place where I can be me and yet I can also be the new me. I can talk about normal things and it is also a safe place to process my grief amongst friends. The best part is I have had some amazing conversations and there are some people at my place of employment that are challenging me to be more, do more and not stop living!} 
• _{I am thankful for my home. It is a home that after a couple of pit stops is finally a place of peace and rest. It is a place where I can grow and feel secure enough to try things I never thought I would do. It is a place where I can retreat, it is a place where I can create, it is a place where I can grill, cook, bake and entertain. It has become a home in a time where the concept of home felt like an unobtainable goal.}
• _{I am thankful that I can move, lift and workout. Recently I switched up my daily routine and began focusing not just on my mental and spiritual health. I have added focus on my physical health. I desire to be stronger because I do not want to grow old from not moving. I desire to grow stronger as I age so I can live a long life and enjoy every day!} 
• _{I am thankful for the ability to go on adventures. I have a “list” of things I want to do and I have been blessed with people who are willing to tag along. There have been some epic moments over the last year and I know there are more to come. Hang on this is going to be quite the ride!}
• _{I am thankful that I can tell my story. It is a hard story to tell and yet it has the imprint of love, goodness, faithfulness, and mercy etched in every sentence and word. My Heavenly Father is the ultimate author and I know He is not done writing my story. The best news…He isn’t done writing your story either and for that I am also thankful.} 

_{I have so much more that I could write and express when it comes to being thankful. Writing this post and also working on our pumpkins has caused me to realize that while grief has caused gratitude to be challenging it has truly deepened it. Gratitude is now something that I see differently, probably because when you experience loss you get a new perspective on just how precious time and life with those you love is. So again, I want to challenge you to write out your gratitude list. Then make it a habit to express your thankfulness to your Heavenly Father daily. It truly sets the tone for the day.} 

“Therefore my heart is glad and my spirit rejoices; my body also rests securely. For You will not abandon me to Sheol; You will not allow Your Faithful One to see decay. You reveal the path of life to me; in Your presence is abundant joy; in Your right hand are eternal pleasures.”

Psalm 16:9-11

WOW! This past week marked one year for the Reveal the Wonders blog. Insert quip here: “Time flies when you are having fun.” But can you really say that when you are walking through grief? Sure! I have had a lot of fun in the last year. I have made memories that are quite epic in the last year and yet within every epic moment and memory comes that pain. That pain that I am sure will be around forever because it is tied to missing Jason. He will always be a part of my life and a part of my heart. After-all, this is grief. It becomes part of you almost like every cell in your body has been reprogrammed to feel both deep sorrow and extreme joy at the same time. 

When I think back to last November all I can remember is still being in complete shock at what had happened and honestly feeling numb to what was going on around me. If you saw a smile on my face, chances are it was placed there on purpose and left intentionally until I could be alone to truly process what I was feeling.  I vividly remember walking through each day and yet there is very little I remember about each of those days. It was as if all I had the strength to do was get up, get ready and survive each day. But just barely surviving was what landed me on a one month sabbatical from work. It was during that month at home where I clearly heard the Lord ask me to write, to share and to be open and vulnerable with this journey. This is where, when and why the blog started and why I still write today. This journey is not over. I am still learning and growing and thus I am still sharing. 

So if I go back to last year, I can see that I was just a shell of the person I used to be and also a shell of the person I am today. I was lost and yet I knew exactly who to cling to for direction. I was broken and yet I knew who was in control of reassembling the pieces. I was exhausted, unable to really sleep and yet I knew who could provide true rest and refreshment. I was walking in full on deep grief. Yet, I was trying to find either the person I once was or trying to discover who I am without my first love. This journey led to all the “Why” and “What now” questions echoing in my heart and mind. 

Fast Forward to today: I recognize that I am different because grief and loss changes a person. I recognize that there are still whispers and shadows of the old me, but the new me that is emerging is pretty awesome! Both versions of me are strong, stubborn, sassy, and independent women. Both versions of me love their Heavenly Father, but the newer me understands on a deeper level just how gracious, faithful, and loving He truly is. This newer version of me keeps writing, sharing and being vulnerable on this journey.

If you knew the old me, I hope you have the opportunity to get to know the new me. She is learning to balance the tension between experiencing all the joy that life still has to offer with the sorrow of grief and loss that is still evident in daily life. You will find she has a new view of doing things, even if it means doing things afraid. Mostly because everyday is filled with something new, something different and something that she is experiencing for the first time alone. I hope you get to know the new me because more than anything she has a deep understanding of who holds her tomorrows, of who holds her hopes and dreams, and who has promised blessings to her. 

I want to leave you with some lyrics from a song by Toby Mac called “Faithfully”. It is part of his newest album Life after Death. The album is incredible, but this song truly expresses what this last 16 months has been like. Please don’t just read these lyrics, go look up the song and give it a listen!

“Every great story happened when someone decided not to give up.” 

Spryte Loriano

Grit and grace two words that seemingly are opposite and yet I do not think you have one without the other. You see I have been pushing myself past all the comfort zones I had left since May when I started working out. As I have been pushing myself in the gym I realized that it was going to take grit to push past what my brain was telling me daily and I was also required to extend myself some grace because let’s be honest I’m not 20 something anymore. Somewhere along the way my coach asked if I would be interested in doing a competition. I fought it for a few days and when I asked more questions I found out the date…10.22.22. Without hesitation I heard “ok, I will do it” coming from my mouth. When she asked why I said yes I explained that it was Jason’s birthday and that was the best way I could think to honor him. 

So on 10.22.22,  my amazing teammate and I competed in the Festivus Games. If you don’t know what these are you can find out more on their website. The community was incredible to witness. The day opened with the national anthem and a prayer. There were athletes of all shapes, sizes, ages and experience levels. The Festivus games are known for being a great competition for beginners but they do make space for more experienced athletes as well. 

This is where grit entered the competition. It took grit to train and actually show up after a full week of homecoming events and chaperoning the dance the night before the big day. It took grit to go all out and finish each of the WODs…mind over matter. My coach has told me over and over again that it is just as much of a mental game as it is physical and while I knew that was true I am not sure I fully understood that as an adult competitor until the day of the competition. 

Leading up to this competition I wondered if I could tap into that competitive nature that at one point drove me as a young athlete. You see, I loved to win and I loved the thrill of any competition. However, somewhere between May 2021 and today I lost that edge and winning became less important than the people around me. I think loss and grief have a way of redefining what is truly important and the thrill of the win was one of those redefined things for me. So naturally I was conflicted because I know I can challenge myself to do more, to lift more, but could I compete? This is where grace entered the competition.

It took grace to show up the day of the competition knowing that it was going to be a hard day, milestone days are always filled with conflicting emotions. You are excited and nervous about the new thing you are trying and yet you so long for that person to be standing there cheering you on when you look into the crowd. It also took grace to compete because while I am not mentally and physically where I was when I started this journey I am far from where I want to be but that is all part of this journey. So now you see how grit and grace took center stage at this competition. 

The results came in and here is where we ended up: I finished all the WODs, I hit a couple of PR’s, and much like every day since last July I chose grit over giving up. I chose to trust that my Heavenly Father would meet me in my weak areas and help me push through. I acknowledged the emotions of experiencing another adventure without my love. More importantly I learned a little more about grit and grace.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his  faithfulness is a shield and buckler.”

Psalm 91:1-4

Where have you been? Have you ever asked this question of someone? Or better yet, have you ever asked this question of yourself? You see, walking through grief and the loss of my husband I have realized that I am not the same person I once was. I am still the same old me, and yet I am a completely different person. See, the new me is hiding amongst the broken pieces. 

I grew up going on road trips and exploring new places and I still do, but I have found a new love for going places I have never been and finding the hidden adventures that exist just beyond the next curve in the road. There is just something about discovering new places, foods, and taking the scenic route home. It allows for one more song on the playlist, one more chapter from the audiobook, or even one more episode from your favorite podcast. I used to be the “plan all the things” type of a person, but now, after life’s most shattering loss I find comfort in approaching things without a color-coded and over thought out plan. 

Why is this shift important? I believe that it is important because it is expanding the view I have of my corner of the world. More than that it is helping me to grow and discover the new me piece by piece. This new version of me is still mostly unknown. In an effort to move forward and discover who this new person really is I am willing to try new things like working out and weightlifting. Here is the surprise, I am really enjoying it! I am constantly going and doing things…even if it is by myself.. I am making new memories. I am moving forward, not on. Yes there is a difference!

Moving forward is me trying these new things, new experiences and new foods while taking Jason’s memory with me. It is honoring him by acknowledging his role in my life and yet not shying away from making new memories without him. Moving on would be leaving Jason and his memory in the past and continuing to move forward without acknowledging his role in my life. Moving on and moving forward are often lumped together, and yet they are opposite. Moving forward would require me to take steps in my current situation. The visual I see is someone picking up their backpack and hiking through the woods. They are taking something with them as they travel. To me moving on seems to be when someone is literally standing up and walking away from the backpack. Essentially, in an effort to “make a new life” you leave behind all the things that remind you of the life with your person.

So why do I feel hidden? Like an ongoing game of hide and seek is being played and yet there is no winner. I believe it is because I am trying to find the new me. This new me can only be found amongst the broken pieces. This new me can only be found as my Heavenly Father picks up those pieces and creates a beautiful new masterpiece. This hidden me will take time to fully emerge from the hands of the creator. This new me is someone who grows with her grief because my Heavenly Father is walking with me every step of the way. The new me that is brave, strong, and capable of things I never thought possible. 

Friend, why are you hiding? Have you given your broken pieces over to your Heavenly Father yet? If not, go ahead, give them over to Him. You can trust Him with all of your broken pieces. 

“Listen carefully, I am about to do a new thing, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even put a road in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert.”

Isaiah 43:19

There is a seemingly understated place in northwest Alabama where the river sings and the leaves are changing. In this place the winding roads beg for exploration and the soundtrack to life keeps you moving. This place has a different speed, a different set of expectations, and a different way of life. You know the kind of place where you can literally sit in a rocking chair on the porch, drink your coffee and just be. This is the place I recently visited. This is the place my soul needed to start the fall.  

You see, life seems to always demand a pace that is just outside of sustainable. It begs you to stay busy and overcommitted and never lets up. Yet when you step away for a break and visit these seemingly understated places you are quickly reminded of what could be your daily pace if you would just make a few small adjustments. So, why is making those adjustments so difficult for us to do? What will we really miss out on by not saying yes to everything? 

Being in a place like this reminds me of when I traveled to Colorado this summer and stayed in the mountains by Pikes Peak. One morning as I was sitting on the deck watching the sunrise I saw a hummingbird. Normally when you see a hummingbird it is busily eating/drinking and moving from place to place. Its wings move so fast you can barely see them and their tiny bodies moving quickly forwards, backwards and side to side. But did you know that because of their wing to body ratio hummingbirds should not be able to fly? Yet they have overcome adversity to become quite adept at getting from place to place and acquiring their meals. 

That morning in Colorado was different. The hummingbird that I saw was perched on a branch close by just looking at me as I was looking at it. It was still and motionless, almost frozen. Then it flew off. It returned to perch again and then flew off yet again. This pattern repeated itself multiple times until it finally flew away. As I was left sitting there it occurred to me just like it has here in this place where the river sings that life can be busy, but all our Heavenly Father wants from us is to sit, be still, and draw near to Him. To build our relationship with Him. To sit in silence and solitude long enough for us to really hear what He has to say to us. 

Why? Why does it matter if we rest? Because how often does our Heavenly Father ask us to pause and rest or better yet pause and spend more time in His presence? I feel like He asks this of us more often than we are willing to recognize or even admit. We have created a culture of busy. We are constantly on the go and involved in so many things we barely take time to get quiet and rest. 

You see, I know a little about being busy and not resting because this is an area that is a challenge for me. I like to be busy. I love being involved in a variety of things. I love completing things on my checklist and I have recently been challenging myself to try new things. All these things are centered around me, and yet all my Heavenly Father is asking of me is my attention, my solitude, and my silence. If I am truly honest with myself, I think I would admit that I struggle with true quiet time, not just time “alone” or time without screens, books, etc, but that deep quiet to the core of your soul. Why? Probably because I am not sure what He will ask of me when I get truly quiet. Like I said, this is something I am working on and practicing. 

To help remind me to pause, I have a sticky note on my desk that reads: “SLOW DOWN! Who do you see? What do they need? How can I help?” These three questions are a reminder to rest. These three questions are a reminder to pause, get quiet, and listen for what my Heavenly Father is asking of me at that moment. These three questions are a reminder to look around at those around me to truly see them and their needs, just like in the story of the Good Samaritan.

Why is it difficult for us to slow down, to rest and to make space to hear all that our Heavenly Father has to say? Maybe it’s control, maybe it’s pride, maybe it’s an idol in this busy life that keeps us busy and distracted. When we dig down to understand why it will help us to release, rest, and get quiet.  

The Parable of the Good Samaritan – Luke 10:25 – 37

And behold, a lawyer stood up to put him to the test, saying, “Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” He said to him, “What is written in the Law? How do you read it?” And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” And he said to him, “You have answered correctly; do this, and you will live.” But he, desiring to justify himself, said to Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?” Jesus replied, “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who stripped him and beat him and departed, leaving him half dead. Now by chance a priest was going down that road, and when he saw him he passed by on the other side. So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was, and when he saw him, he had compassion. He went to him and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he set him on his own animal and brought him to an inn and took care of him. And the next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, ‘Take care of him, and whatever more you spend, I will repay you when I come back.’ Which of these three, do you think, proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?” He said, “The one who showed him mercy.” And Jesus said to him, “You go, and do likewise.”

“Then my people will live in a peaceful dwelling, in secure homes, in carefree resting places.”

Isaiah 32:18

7704 S. Peach was a special house. It was a one level home built in the late 70’s by my dad. It backed up to the woods and a creek that ran throughout the entire neighborhood.  In the front yard stood an oak tree and a pine tree tall and strong while we lived there and the pine tree is still standing today. While I resided at 7704 there were so many firsts. From learning to ride a bike to my first kiss on the front porch each one was special and played a pivotal role in who I am today. Most importantly while we resided at 7704, our family began going to church. Then, the best yes I ever said happened in my parents bedroom. This is where I met Jesus for the first time. It was truly the house that built me physically and spiritually. 

At 7704 I learned the importance of family. I learned all about football, soccer, softball, and basketball. I learned how to mow the yard and care for a home. My dad showed my sister and I how to make our special family chocolate chip cookie recipe! By the way, this recipe is alive and well and being perfected by yet another generation. While at 7704,  I learned about family game nights and holiday traditions. In this home I learned about love and relationships. 

7704 saw my 1st first date and my last first date. It saw my sister and I grow from two girls who loved playing basketball in the driveway, building forts in the woods, and playing in the creek to two young women dressing up for prom, graduating from high school, and preparing for weddings. 7704 was special. It was a steady constant that we could always return to and feel safe.

The other day, as I was doing yard work at 209 (my new place), I realized that this house is now playing a role in building me and helping me walk through my grief journey. 209 is helping to put the broken pieces back together to create a beautiful new picture of what life after an unexplainable loss looks like. It isn’t easy, it isn’t fun, but day by day the picture of what God is doing in my life now and what He is preparing me for in the future is becoming more clear. 

209 has seen many firsts already in just a couple of months of being our home. It is the first home I have lived in since Jason passed away. It is the home where I rescued my Hasty Bake grill from a garage timeout, meaning I can grill whenever I want. 209 is the home where I re-learned how to do yard work (including trimming – which I had never done before). It is the home where I hung lights around the deck to create a cozy outdoor space. 209 is the home where Abby and I will create new family traditions. It is the home where we will learn new things and there will be opportunities for many more firsts as we walk through this new season of life. 209 will be the house that helps to build the new me. 

Now, 7704 and 209 are physical homes that have and continue to play a role in my life, and yet I cannot help but think, shouldn’t God, or my relationship with Him be a home that builds me? If a home is where we find refuge, safety, strength, rest, and so on, those are all things that are promised to us in the Bible if we are in relationship with Christ.   

So technically, 7704 and 209 have played a supporting role in building me and all this time my relationship with my Heavenly Father has been what has built me. It has shaped me into the woman I am today. It has helped me to realize who I am. It has helped me navigate loss and process change. Continuing to seek Him and develop a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father has begun to reveal a renewed purpose and calling that He has planned for me. 

Oh, by the way no matter your age or stage in life He still has good things for you. He can use you to fulfill His purpose in your life if you are 7 or 77. He can use you to fulfill His purpose in your life if you are healthy or fighting for your life. He can use you to fulfill His purpose in your life if you are happy and full of joy or walking through a grief journey. He is never through using you to tell your story and proclaim His glory. 

Friend, what house built you and how are you allowing your relationship with your Heavenly Father to build you daily?

“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8: 38-39

A quarter. A quarter of a century. Twenty five years sounds like a long time and yet it truly is not even long enough. While we didn’t make it to this milestone it still feels like we should have. We should be taking that epic trip that we had begun to plan. We should be going out for an amazing steak dinner and creme brulee dessert. We should be buying anniversary cards for each other or at least standing in the store, trying to find the perfect one to show him and then put it back because cards are so dang expensive. We should be having the conversation about why he should or shouldn’t buy me flowers or if he does, should he make an open show of it and deliver them to my work. Basically, we should be celebrating. 

Recently, I’ve had what seems to be days where it feels like something is missing more than usual. Normally, I would say I don’t know why, but this week is different. I know the reason behind the feeling. It is because there’s a milestone looming. It’s our wedding anniversary. It would have been 25 years on September 27th.  Since our 20th anniversary we have been talking and planning a big trip. You know one of those…“ Hey, you’ve made it to this epic wedding milestone!” kind of trips. But that all changed last July. 

So basically, there has been this feeling  in the back of my mind. A feeling where there’s not just something missing, but someone missing. Jason is missing. He was my someone to plan things with. He was the one I wanted to travel with. Most importantly he was the one I wanted to do all the things with. Yet, there is this missing piece. This Jason sized hole that I feel daily and yet it seems to get bigger on days like this. He was my person. He planned with me. He dreamed with me. He challenged me. He demonstrated God’s love for me daily. 

So what now? Do I celebrate what would have been? Do I plan an epic trip? Do I go out for a steak dinner? Or do I sit and remember? Do I allow the wave of grief to flood over me once again and mourn what once was? I genuinely want to know what the protocol is at this moment. Like what is proper? Who decides what is appropriate and acceptable? 

The answer is yes. Yes to all of it. I will have the steak dinner. I will plan an epic trip, although it may not look like what we would have done, I will go on an adventure and make new memories. I will continue to grieve and allow those waves to roll in and out, because with these waves come all the memories, and oh how I love all the memories. As to what the protocol is or what is proper, appropriate and acceptable, here is what I know, grief is personal. You get to decide what is right and wrong in your grief journey. You are in charge of what it looks and feels like for you and do not under any circumstances allow anyone to dictate what is right and wrong. 

So as I walk through this continued grief journey I have learned there is only one who can lead you and approve or disapprove of how you handle your grief journey. That is God. He is good. He is faithful. He will be with you in the valleys just as He is with you on the mountain tops. He will comfort you if you give all your cares, hurts, and disappointments to Him. 

So today I will celebrate. I will celebrate because I experienced love and because I made beautiful memories for 23 years of marriage and 4 years of dating. I will celebrate because Jason lived a life well lived and loved his family. Jason was an earthly example of our Heavenly Father’s love. So I will celebrate because I will see him one day soon. 

“But you, Israel, My servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, descendant of Abraham, My friend— I brought you from the ends of the earth and called you from its farthest corners. I said to you: You are My servant; I have chosen you and not rejected you. Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:8-10 HCSB

Jumping. On the ground it is something that either comes easily and naturally or something that you have to work towards accomplishing. Basically, you either have hops or you don’t. When skydiving, your “jump” is effortless and the experience is amazing.

If you would have asked me last year or even before if I wanted to skydive, I would have said never. In fact, that might have been my response to most adventure requests where there was even a hint of danger. Growing up I wanted to ensure that survival was guaranteed and that risk of injury or getting in trouble was at a minimum. Basically the opposite of “Carpe DIem”. So, when I went skydiving with a friend recently it meant that I was finally walking away from those childhood fears and living out “Carpe Diem”. The experience was amazing, incredible, epic, and I could go on and on. It was one of those types of moments that will not soon be forgotten. 

I am sure as you are reading this you might wonder why would I want to go skydiving or what kind of friend would say yes without hesitation to my request to join in on this adventure. First, I can say that the friend who said yes, is amazing and has had skydiving on her bucket list for a while but did not want to jump alone. She is the type of friend that you want to have with you on any adventure as she embraces life and is always up for trying almost anything. As for me, I can assure you that I am of sound mind. But I have recently determined that life is way too short to let fear talk you out of amazing experiences. Of course you need to use wisdom, but overall you should “Carpe diem” whenever you have a chance. Also, I can sum up my new outlook in one simple sentence: “After all I have survived over the last 15 months, jumping out of a plane is simple”. 

If you are married you might often wonder the big “what if” questions. What if they die, what if they lose their income, what if they get sick and I have to step in as caregiver…the list could go on and on. What you do with those thoughts is important. Do you take them captive and speak life and the Word of God over them or do you dwell on them allowing them to become the narrative for your life? If you allow these thoughts to become the narrative for your life you are allowing fear to rule your decisions. When fear is in charge you are not living your best “Carpe Diem” life. There are 365 verses in the Bible on fear. That is one for each day of the year! 

Now, I am not saying that if you say no to skydiving you are allowing fear to win and drive all of your life decisions. I fully understand that this kind of adventure is not for everyone. Although, it is a magnificent experience that I believe everyone should at least consider once in their life. For me it was an easy yes. It was an idea, followed by the “I can do that” thought, which was immediately followed by people saying, “have fun, that sounds crazy!” or my favorite “Why would you want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane?” Well, you want to jump out because at 11,000 feet the views are breathtaking. You want to jump because as you free fall at 120+ MPH it actually feels like you are floating. You want to jump because after the parachute deploys you could (if you want to) literally control the intensity of the experience. I chose the scenic route to our landing zone because where we live is beautiful. It was green because of recent rains and the water on the lake was breathtaking. You want to jump because when you land you realize that you in fact really did just jump out of a perfectly good airplane just to have an incredible experience that cannot be duplicated on the ground. 

This adventure was not without the push and pull of opposing emotions. There was joy and sorrow. There was excitement and fear. There was happiness and tears. Yep, I found myself crying in the plane on the way up to 11,000 feet. Not because of the fear of leaving the plane, but because it was one of those memories that Jason would have loved to experience or even just supported me by being part of an amazing ground crew! As I wiped away the tears I watched the ground get farther and farther away and before I knew it we reached max altitude and my friend was preparing to jump. It was exciting seeing her so ready for this experience and her overall zeal for adventure. She truly lives out “Carpe Diem” in a way that is beautifully intertwined with our Heavenly Father. 

Sharing this experience with you can be boiled down to this: life is meant to be lived. Will there be opposing emotions? Yes. Will there be opportunity for fear to creep in? Yes. Will there be opportunities for you to take a leap of faith? Yes. In all of these things here is what I have learned: you can experience joy after loss. You can walk in faith after experiencing seemingly unanswered prayers. You can “Carpe Diem” even when your person is no longer by your side. 

So what is on your bucket list? If nothing, WHY? Is it fear? I’m here to tell you that you can push aside that fear, lean into the peace of your Heavenly Father and walk in faith. You can have adventure even after experiencing a big loss. Trust me…I know. I am already planning my next adventure!

Dear reader…it’s time for your next adventure!

“Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

Romans 5:2-5

Aguante is a Spanish word that I have recently learned. Aguante, when translated, means strength, endurance, stamina, grit, and guts. 

Aguante is a word that beautifully encapsulates the journey I have been on for the last year. At any given time over this past year I have had to dig deep to find and/or display each of these. 

There have been countless times where I have felt ill equipped to fill the role as head of our household, I have felt ignorant about various areas dealing with the home and vehicles, and more than anything I have felt a tangible weakness as I navigate going through this life without my partner. 

You see as a stubborn, independent woman these new feelings are very disorienting to me. I’m not used to feeling weak, ignorant and ill equipped. I’m not used to it, nor am I good at asking for help. And yet over the last year I have found myself in situation after situation where I was being challenged to seek help. Plus, I have been challenged to put my “aguante” to the test more times than I can count. 

People often comment on how strong I am followed by the typical, “I could not imagine” or “I could not do it”. While that is a compliment to my “aguante”, what I want to say most of the time is, “Please do not spend your time imagining you and your family as the characters in my scenario” or “I pray you never have to walk this road I am currently walking”. But I don’t say those words, because I am not sure how people will respond to such blunt honesty. 

I truly never imagined I would ever be a widow before a more “acceptable” age, but here I am. At some point early in my grief I realized that I had two choices: curl up on the couch getting bitter and blaming God or get up, trust that His word is true, that He is faithful and move forward one painful step at a time. Well, if you are reading this blog you know which one I chose. I made this choice somewhat subconsciously at first. I am not a quitter and I do not give up, so clearly option 1 was a no-go. But I also chose option 2 because it ignited a faith, a boldness, and other qualities that had been lying dormant within me. It also was the best option to honor Jason and how he would have wanted me to live my daily life with or without him. So, I “aguante”! Most days it’s easy, but there are some days where the grief is heavy. Maybe you know those grief days very well. For me, these are the days where the emotions and heaviness of the situation seems to be like a boulder tied around my neck while I am walking through quicksand. Yet time after time in the deepest of my grief moments. My Jesus has met me, shouldered the burden and walked alongside me. He has shown His love for me though my community, my family, an unexplainable peace, and a seemingly unending supply of “aguante” just as it talks about in Isaiah 40:27-31.

“Israel, why then do you complain that the Lord doesn’t know your troubles or care if you suffer injustice? Don’t you know? Haven’t you heard? The Lord is the everlasting God; he created all the world. He never grows tired or weary. No one understands his thoughts. He strengthens those who are weak and tired. Even those who are young grow weak; young people can fall exhausted. But those who trust in the Lord for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles; they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak.”

Today I want to challenge you to build up your “aguante”. Build up your faith. Build up your peace. Find areas in your life where you need to take the step toward your Jesus. Take time to read His word. Take time to pray. Take time to sit in silence and solitude and listen to what He has to say to you. 

Maybe you have heard His voice and you have an action step. Be bold. Be brave. Aguante up my friends, it is time to LiveStrong!

Home. I had previously written on the concept of home and how to find it when all the familiar has been suddenly lost. Here are my thoughts now that I have been on this journey for a year. 

Home is who you fill your life with daily. 

Recently I took a trip. I know this seems to be a common theme to when I am able to write or discover big things about myself, but there is something about getting away to reflect. If you do not do this, please try to make space and go, even if it is to your neighborhood park. A change of scenery, or rather a change of perspective is always a good boost to your writing game. Anyway, as I was driving home I was reflecting on all the experiences that were in the rear view mirror and smiled. It was so much fun to spend time with family and friends in the mountains. It was much cooler than my home town at the time which just sweetened the journey. The two core reasons for the trip were to help my mom load a moving truck to come home and also take time to remember Jason and how much he loved the mountains, nature and boost oxygen (if you know, you know).

So many new memories made and yet the thought still lingering in my head and heart was how much I wish he was with me. I know that thought will continue to be a part of each day and experience that is yet to come because he will always be a part of me. That being said, it should never stop me from making new memories and experiencing life to the fullest daily. 

Do you allow your loss and grief to paralyze you? I pray you do not. 

Anyway, back to the topic of home. When you are driving back to 100*+ temperature plus humidity from an average temperature of about 72* with zero humidity it really makes you think about why you are living where you are currently residing. It can also make you pause in your excitement to return to the hotter climate. I know I did. It was a struggle to pack up and leave. I was comfortable. I was enjoying my time in the mountains. But, real life was calling me back. 

So as we are driving back “home” it made me really think about why I wouldn’t just up and move to the mountains. After all, it is just me. I could find a church, a job, a place to live easily…right? Then it hit me. My people. My community. The people that have walked with me, supported me and helped to shoulder the burden of grief over the last year would not make that move with me. I would literally be leaving home to establish a new home alone.

Nope. Not going to do it! I could not imagine doing life without these people. My family (included in the group above) lives fairly close together and we make an effort to get together and celebrate often. Almost all my friends live close to me as well or are a quick text, call, or FaceTime away and we try to communicate often. So would I be willing to make a new state, a cooler climate, amazing views, and nature my new “home” and leave the community I am a part of behind? No. 

As I was driving and really thinking about all of the above, I finally realized what the phrase “Home is where the heart is” truly means. It means that if my heart is with the people in my life that is where I will feel most at home. If they travel with me to the mountains that will feel like home. If I am sweating it out in the lowlands and they are with me, I am at home. 

So, this flatland girl is staying put and I will continue to build and lead into my community. I am learning the importance of being real and vulnerable in relationships and how it leads to deeper friendships and family ties. I am learning that helping others to see the need for community and helping them get connected are a couple of the drivers in my life’s purpose.

There, I said it. I have discovered part of my renewed purpose in life. That purpose is to help women around me discover their need for community and also help them build it for themselves. I should add that at this time I feel drawn to widows, mainly because this is the journey I am currently walking out and helping those in the same place feels right. We need each other. We understand each other on a level that most people do not.

Where is your home? Who is your home? Do you have a community to share your home with? If not, what steps can you take today to build that community around you? 

If you are struggling to find or build community, ask God to lead you to people that you could invite into your circle. Be bold and ask people if they’d be open to living a more authentic and vulnerable life with you. A place where you can have friends that will listen, that will cheer for you and will cry with you. That is where you will find your home.