Father, Dad, Daddy, Papa, Pops, and so many more. To a little girl her daddy is her first love, her Prince Charming, and her protector. My view of my daddy is no different. 

My dad was the youngest of three boys. He and his brothers were the sons of a collegiate athlete which meant they grew up learning how to be competitive and played a variety of sports. Between those three boys they had 8 girls and the youngest grandchild was a boy. Nonetheless, the girls and the boy played sports and grew up learning how to be competitive from their dads. 

Growing up my dad coached my soccer team, plus he was always there to help with my softball team as well as my sister and I’s basketball teams. There wasn’t a game or a tournament that he wasn’t there cheering for us, keeping stats, the scorebook, and even yelling at the refs. He challenged us at home to practice and work at improving our jumpshot and free throws. In fact, when we missed a free throw in a game we had to pay him money because in the words of Chip, “Free throws win games”.

My mom and dad loved taking us on road trips and various adventures. I know there are a plethora of photos and VHS tapes that hold memories of our family adventures and even an epic fail that involved white shorts, an iron, and a plastic tablecloth at a campground in Canada. I feel like my love for travel and adventure was born from great road trip memories as a kid. The best memory was probably the infamous “Chip shortcut”. On any road trip or just drive to dinner my dad would say, “let’s take a shortcut” and we of course would roll our eyes because it always meant the drive would take longer. But looking back, that was part of the adventure and can I say I miss the “shortcuts”.

So why am I writing about my daddy? Well, 15 years ago today he stepped into heaven and accepted a full and complete healing. 

In 2006, he had been dealing with crippling back pain and not seeing any relief. Then one day something showed up on an x-ray that had not been seen before. Then tests and more tests and finally around Thanksgiving a diagnosis of cancer. By this time it had already spread and treatment was an uphill battle from the beginning. But like the strong, stubborn man he was he faced the challenge of chemo and radiation. These treatments are not for the faint of heart, and walking alongside someone in these treatments is also challenging and exhausting. This was no exception for my mom, my aunt, my sister and her family as well as Jason, Abby and I.

From the beginning we stood and fought with scripture and healing confessions. We aligned our prayers with what my dad was speaking over himself, “I will live and not die and declare the works of the Lord”. We crafted scripture bookmarks to help us confess life, strength, healing and faith daily. As the reports came in we continued to stand strong and support my dad on his journey. Now this is where I would say as the oldest child I felt a strong urge to protect, to defend, to prepare for what was coming, and yet I felt compelled to stand in faith. How do you balance faith for healing and preparing for what you can see coming?

The treatments progressed, medicine was changed, increased and decreased but nothing seemed to be attacking the cancer. There were various trips to the hospital for a variety of issues, if you have ever walked through a cancer battle with someone you understand. Each time there was prayer, discussions, prayer, and decisions. My mom had a “go bag” with everything she would need to answer any possible question from the doctor including all the medications, treatments, amounts, when it was last administered, and any side effects. She was a walking encyclopedia of medical knowledge. My aunt was a huge help. She was living with my parents at the time and she cleaned, helped care for my dad and supported my mom in any way that she could. 

Then Easter Sunday. This day was both good and hard. For the first time in a while my dad was up and moving about, he had on sweats, and a long sleeve t-shirt (probably a Big Dog shirt) and a navy sweater vest. He had portable oxygen, but that did not stop him from watching his kids and his grandkids hunt easter eggs and play outside. The day was cold and gray. We ate an early dinner and after dinner the Hannah Montana wig and microphone made an appearance and between Abby and her cousin Jack they put on quite the show for a 5 and almost 2 year old. It was the best Hannah Montana concert I have ever been to!  

The following Sunday my mom called to say that my dad had been admitted to the hospital. So my sister and I went and spent some time there. It was like the other times and did not seem any more serious. On Monday, I was able to slip away from work for a few hours to sit with my dad. I do not regret one moment from this day and will always hold those moments close. The next day my sister called…I was needed at the hospital. I arrived and we were immediately pulled into that conversation you never want to be a part of…you know the one where you talk about your preferences and end of life care. It’s one of those conversations where you hear the doctor begin talking and then all of a sudden your mind is racing and all you hear is a voice that sounds like Charlie Brown’s mom on the other end of the phone, “blah, blah, blah…”. Then you snap back in time for the doctors to ask, “any questions”? 

That night I curled up in the chair beside his bed and just sat with him, talked to him,  and prayed for him. It was quiet, it was dark, and it was peaceful. My mom and sister came back in the early morning hours and I moved to the waiting room to get a little sleep knowing it would be a long day. 

4.25.07, felt like a revolving door of visitors. By mid-morning the waiting room was full of people that wanted a few moments to say goodbye to a man who meant the world to them. One by one they moved from the waiting room to the ICU room and back again to wait with my sister, her husband, Jason and I. Then at the very end of the day the final visitor came through, he had been trying all day to get back into town to see my dad. My mom, my sister, her husband, Jason and I returned to the room. Our pastor and his wife were there along with my dad’s doctor. The room was quiet. It was peaceful. He chose life, healing, and the presence of his Heavenly Father where there was no more pain and suffering. We cried, we sang and we just sat in the moment. That moment changed me and I did not fully grasp how much until recently. 

That moment when your dad, your coach, one of your biggest cheerleaders steps out of this physical world is one where you feel that emptiness and loss deeply. He never saw Abby graduate PreK, Kindergarten, high school, go to prom or even on a date (sidenote: he would have loved giving that boy a hard time!). He never met 3 of his grandchildren, but one is named after him. He has missed 15 years of moments and memories and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could talk with him or ask his advice on various issues. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could watch a game with him again or watch him use his Hasty Bake grill wearing that silly apron and chef hat or just hear him laugh. He had the best laugh. 

He is greatly missed and has left an amazing legacy that is carried on in the lives of his surviving wife, his children and their spouses, and most importantly his grandchildren. His love of sports, jokes, funny cards, road trips, adventures and shortcuts has been passed on to the next generation. More important than all of these is his love for God. His favorite songs were Amazing Grace and In Christ Alone. He knew that he had been that wretch from the song. He also knew that he had been graciously saved, completely redeemed and he loved taking any opportunity to share his story of how he experienced the real Jesus. 

Ask me about my daddy. Ask me about my Jason. I promise to ask about your person. Talking about your person honors their life and their legacy. Do not shy away from saying their name and recalling funny, sad, or crazy stories. Doing this helps others get to know you and helps you feel closer to your person, even for a moment.

Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Three meals a day means that you have the opportunity to sit across from someone, look them in the eye, converse about important things or nothing at all, and just spend time with them.

Lately, I have found myself missing these meals the most. I miss the person who should be sitting across from me. I miss the way his topaz blue eyes sparkled as we talked. I miss the conversations about big important things, about silly things and all the conversation topics in between. More than anything I miss the time we spent together. I was used to him being at home. He worked from home since March of 2020, so it was normal for him to be home when I left and when I returned at the end of the day. I took that for granted, I miss that, and most days I wish that when I came home he would be sitting in his chair working or playing PS4.

This longing for a dinner guest did not stop me from doing a “first”. I went to a restaurant and sat at a booth by myself and had a meal. Now, I have sat in the comfort of my home and had meals alone since July, but this is different. This “going out to eat” ritual is sacred. It meant a date night, time alone to talk and dream, it meant face to face uninterrupted moments with the phones put away and on do not disturb. Taking this step for me was one that I have put off for almost 10 months and I know ladies who have been much braver than I when it comes to this step. 

Being the type A planner that I am, I was very intentional about where I would go for this “first”. There is a local Mexican restaurant that I have been going to with my family since I was probably 5 and it was also a date night favorite for Jason and I. I even worked there for a while and we know the owner and several waitstaff. It is a place that I am comfortable being in alone. I knew this would be an easier first if I chose a familiar place where I felt comfortable reading or scrolling while I ate. So, I ordered and began my new ritual. It wasn’t so bad. In fact, it was kind of fun listening in on conversations around me and people watching from the table where I was sitting. Best thing…I survived and enjoyed a meal at my favorite place!

Grief can be a funny thing. It often makes me think about things differently. It causes me to pause and take in moments that I will want to remember or enjoy moments that might only be precious to me. It honestly has made me reflect on my life and I often wonder how many moments I have missed because I was eyes down or not truly looking to see those around me. 

Grief can surprise you. Sometimes I have found that when I least expect it, grief comes in like a wrecking ball and retreats both quickly and slowly all at the same time. If you have ever grieved the loss of someone you loved dearly you know this feeling all too well. It can be brought on by a smell, a sound, a song, or some other memory. While it hits quick and deep, it can leave quickly like a retreating wave, or linger for a while like the rising tide. 

In the early days of grieving it seemed like it was always high tide. Like I was struggling to stay above the water. In true form I of course was wading like a champ…at least above the surface. As the days progressed, I found it increasingly difficult to continue without any assistance. I reached out for a life line and held tight when there was one in sight. Once pulled to a safe place, I was able to rest, refocus, reset, and recognize my need for help.     

Still today, almost 10 months into this journey I find it difficult to ask for help. The whole, “I can do it by myself” mantra is great…until it isn’t. I am realizing that my knowledge and my searching abilities can only take me so far. At some point I must face the challenge of asking for help, even if it seems small and insignificant.                                                                                                      

Asking for help has never been easy. I have always been the “I can do it myself” type of person. However, through this journey the Lord has really been peeling back those layers to reveal someone who not only must be completely dependent on God, but also willing to ask for help. You see, if you have followed my journey here you know that my community has meant everything to me. My community (family, friends, coworkers, pastors, etc.)has supported me, loved me, encouraged me, prayed for and with me, and has been available for help when asked. But that last phrase is the key…I have to ask. 

Asking means revealing that I am vulnerable. Asking means that I do not know how to do everything nor do I have the ability to do everything. Both of these are not only ok, but perfectly normal to walk through as a widow. Recently I had a need, now the typical me would keep that need to myself and work through it most likely to the detriment of my sleep schedule or some other self care routine. Instead of holding tight to the need, I reached out to a few close people for agreement in prayer. Not only did my people step up and pray, but the answer arrived quickly and without any disruption to my routine. Doing this was difficult. It meant I had to be vulnerable. It meant I had to let others see me not as the strong one, but as one who needed support. On this side of asking for help I now know that taking the first step was the most difficult, so next time it will be easier and each time after that as well. I am learning a new habit and it is a process. 

So take the time to step out, be willing to ask for help with your community as long as they are trusted and point you to Jesus. Then doing this will help you feel more confident in the unknown moments and will set you up for success when you are ready for taking the step of eating a meal alone in a restaurant or some other “first”. 

Finally, if you are a widow and you are considering eating alone, please choose a place that is comfortable for you and start there. Then as you are comfortable, try other places, take small first steps and do not…under any circumstances…do not cave to fear. Fear will try to stop you. Fear will try to prevent you from moving forward in faith. But courage, faith and hope will sustain you as you walk forward through your grief journey.

Quiet. Silence. Stillness. Sometimes these words can strike fear. Fear of being alone in your thoughts and with your true self. Fear of being truly quiet and hearing your Heavenly Father speak to you. But sometimes these words can bring calm. They can be a welcome invitation to sit in solitude and receive what your soul and spirit needs the most…refreshment.

Currently at my church we are beginning a season of fasting as we approach Easter. During this season I have felt the need to experience more quiet, more silence, and more stillness. I have felt the call to lean in to hearing what my Heavenly Father is speaking to me. To accomplish this, I feel led to lean in by removing distractions. In light of this I have decided to fast from a few things such as posting blogs, checking and posting on social media, and more. I am making an effort to usher in more quiet, more silence, and more stillness in an effort to make space to hear from my Heavenly Father. After this post, there will not be another post until the week of April 17.

What can you do to incorporate more quiet, more silence, and more stillness into your daily routine? What do you need to put aside to make space to hear from your Heavenly Father? 

Some examples of digital fasting:

• Social Media (Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, TikTok, Snapchat, YouTube, etc)
• Screens of any kind (TV, tablet, phone, computer- outside of work)
• Podcasts/audible/kindle – take a break and read a physical book or your Bible

There are other ways to fast or empty the busy space and clear the way to fill up with the word. Fasting from food (make sure this is medically safe for you and you speak with your doctor before beginning), spending, or anything the Lord is laying on your heart to give up are additional ways to participate in the fast. Fasting is really just removing the distractions and replacing them with time in the word so you can be filled.  Remember we want to take intentional time to worship, pray and seek the Lord during this time of fasting. Will you join me? 

Below is a song that sets the tone for engaging in some quiet, silence, and stillness. In fact, it ends with quiet space to help you get started. Give it a listen!

“Quiet” by Elevation Worship

Here we go again, my mind racing

And I can’t seem to win

All these crazy thoughts and feelings

It’s like it never ends

Until Your voice breaks through my noise

And I know I’m not alone, not alone

You will fight my battles

If I will just be still

Why would I keep running

When You’re right here?

I’ll just be quiet

And let You speak through the silence

Here I am, no more hiding

You are in this moment, I won’t fight it

I’ll be quiet

I don’t need to know what comes next

Tomorrow’s in Your hands

I can trust You with my future

‘Cause You’re already there

I hear Your voice call me forward

And I know I’m not alone, not alone

Away with the distractions

I wanna hear what’s true

The only words that matter

They come from You

I’ll just be quiet

And let You speak through the silence

Here I am, no more hiding

You are in this moment, I won’t fight it

I’ll be quiet

I’ll just be quiet

And let You speak through the silence

Here I am, no more hiding

You are in this moment, I won’t fight it

I’ll be quiet

Quiet

God, You’re here in the silence

Here I am, no more hiding

You are in this moment, I won’t fight it

I’ll be quiet

Often there are moments in life that shake you to the core. They make you rethink everything and even make you question certain beliefs. What do you do when you find yourself in moments like these? Do you hide? Do you sleep? Do you lean in to what you hold true? Do you ask the questions and talk it out with trusted people or qualified professionals?

Here is what I know. I leaned in. I questioned everything, I talked with trusted people and I even found a qualified professional that has been amazing. We have all heard the phrase that these moments can make you bitter or make you better, but I believe it goes deeper than just that cliche phrase. For Christians it is a core spiritual challenge. Are you going to continue to trust God and what He has promised in His word even if…? Or, are you going to blame God for what has happened and turn from Him? 

I can reflect on when I lost my dad 15 years ago and tell you that on the surface I was all fine and dandy, but deep down I was blaming God for not healing him. I felt as though He was not answering my prayers and the prayers of my family and friends. Then when, walking through everything with Jason, on the surface it appeared once again as though my prayers and the prayers of our family and friends were left unanswered. There have been countless other examples of friends and families walking through other situations where you could say on the surface it appeared that God was not answering prayers. But was He?

I can only speak to my situations of walking through the loss of my dad and my husband. In both situations both men were walking with God, they were confessing their healing, they both quoted scripture and said that they would “live and not die and declare the mighty works of the Lord”. But they died. Does that mean that they are no longer declaring the mighty works of the Lord? Does that mean that they are no longer living? No. The legacy and impact that they made on those around them ensures that they will continue to live. The people that they made an impact on and those that received Christ as a result of their life ensures that the mighty works of the Lord continue and outlast both of their earthly bodies. 

More than anything I would love to still have my daddy and Jason with me daily, but the reality of what their earthly bodies would have had to recover from would mean that they would not physically be able to be the person that they were before their illnesses ravaged their bodies. Then the toll that would have taken on them mentally and spiritually ensures that they would not have been the same active, fun loving, dad-joke telling men that loved me and others so well. So, God answered prayers. They both received the ultimate healing and are truly living in heaven. 

All of this to say, what do we do when we are faced with these moments that dare us to challenge our beliefs? Ask the questions, seek the Lord for the answers. You may not get a clear revelation, but what you will find is peace in the unknown of life after loss.

Recently, I have realized that while I am the same person, I am most certainly different. I recently reviewed some responses I gave to questions from the fall of 2020. As I was reading through I realized that I am not longer the person who wrote those responses, and yet I am. I can see that girl was confident, she was happy, she was in love. This is not the same person writing this post today. This girl today is confident, she is happy, and she will always be in love, but she is different. This girl today is confident that her Savior is there in every moment. This girl today knows that her Savior is always good and He is always faithful. This girl today is happy, because her needs are met, she has a community of strong people that support her, and a family that loves her. This girl is in love and will always be in love. She loves her husband even though he is no longer by her side, he will always hold a special place in her heart. 

I have also found a new joy in adventure. I used to be the planner, the play it safe kind of a person. Recently something has changed. I find that I a new excitement when I am planning or thinking about new adventures. As I type this I am on a plane to a destination that I haven’t visited for several years. Adventure is awaiting me and although I am traveling alone for the first time I find that I am nervously excited about what lies ahead. Isn’t that what life should be like? 

There is a song that talks about living like you were dying. Doing all the things and making the most of every moment. This is now my advice to people. Do all the things, say all the things, and make the most of every moment because you truly do not know when you will have those moments again. 

To my family and friends – hold on this year is going to be one for the books! It will be amazing and I pray that you all are ready. This play it safe planner will be doing things she has never done before. Will you go on an adventure with me? I hope so! 

What do the words steal, kill and destroy mean to you?

If you are like me they may have meant different things in different seasons and stages of life. However, have you ever seemingly experienced all three at the same time? I have.

I am in the middle of a Bible study with a small group. There was a question in the study guide that asked us to reflect on the verse John 10:10. It wasn’t until I took time to sit and reflect that I realized that I had walked through all three of these at the same time last year, and yet I felt and still feel like I am living life to the fullest. 

Now, I do not proclaim to be a Bible scholar and this verse, well any verse really, could be used to describe or fit just about any scenario, but I truly felt like the Lord was showing me a real life example. Let me share with you:

The thief comes only to:

• Steal – the enemy stole a life, a marriage, a future
• Kill– the enemy killed a husband, a father, a son, a brother, an uncle, and all the other important relationships Jason held dear.  The enemy also killed the future plans we had, his business dreams, and so much more.
• Destroy– the enemy destroyed a young, vibrant man serving his community and God’s kingdom, the enemy destroyed a family unit, the enemy destroyed hopes, joy, and peace.

But God didn’t let the scripture end there. He wrapped it up and redeemed the situation with one short phrase: I came so that they could have life. He then goes on to say that He came so they could live life to the fullest. 

Wait. How, when the thief is doing all he can to steal, kill and destroy can we live our fullest life? This is the best part, because HE came and paid the ultimate price, we are covered in His protection, His life, and His resurrection power. 

You see, even though the thief came here is what I know:

• Steal – the enemy stole a life, a marriage, a future.
  • This was a tragic situation and heartbreaking for me. Jason was my dude, my love of a lifetime. He was my safe place to be myself. Now, I live life to the fullest because I know who holds my life, and also because I know it will be a short break until we see each other again. But more than that, I know the Lord said He would be with me wherever I go. 
  • In Proverbs the word says that He will be like a friend that sticks closer than a brother, I can have faith and rest knowing He goes before me and He is with me. He is my hope and strength for tomorrow.
• Kill– the enemy killed a husband, a father, a son, a brother, an uncle, and all the other important relationships Jason held dear. The enemy also killed the future plans we had, his business dreams, and so much more.
  • While the enemy killed my husband’s body he did not take his spirit. Jason was a believer. More than that he was a Christ follower, a true disciple. He loved reading the word and learning all the intricate details of scripture. 
  • Yes, the enemy killed my future plans with Jason. But he did not and will not prevent me from dreaming. Now I have a new purpose, a new plan and new dreams for an amazing future. 
  • He also killed the relationship I had with Jason here on earth, but I look forward to the day we are reunited with Christ for all eternity. 
• Destroy– the enemy destroyed a young, vibrant man serving his community and God’s kingdom, the enemy destroyed a family unit, the enemy destroyed hopes, joy, and peace.
  • Yes, the enemy took Jason out of the game. What the enemy did not see coming was the response I would have and how I would continue to stand strong in God’s word. The enemy did not take into account the legacy Jason left and the impact he made on those around him daily. 
  • While he destroyed my hopes and dreams of a beautiful forever with my high school sweetheart he cannot take away eternity. 
  • Yes, he took my joy and peace for a season, but God. God has been faithful to restore my joy and peace. He has been so good, so patient, and so caring as I seek Him in my grief. Friend, He will do the same for you.

Overall, I want you to see that God brings life not death and destruction. All the life that our Heavenly Father infuses into us when we accept Him allows Him to cover all that the enemy has stolen or will try to steal from you and I. The bonus is that once we accept Him we will be able to spend eternity in heaven. I often think of the line from the movie Braveheart, “They may take our lives, but they will never take our freedom.” As a believer our quote could be something like, “The enemy may take everything, kill everyone, destroy our life, but He can never take our eternity.”

I don’t know where you are today, but this revelation of a simple verse in John 10:10 was eye opening. I had never thought of it from this perspective. The fact that God covers, restores, and heals everything the enemy meant to take you out. It was already paid for by Jesus dying on the cross and being resurrected to new life.

If you have never said yes to God, please consider doing so today. If you are unsure of where to start, reach out. It is easy and He longs to welcome you into His family.

If you have already said yes, but you are deep in one of these seasons, reach out, He is still there walking with you. He longs to comfort you and help you walk out of the destruction and into peace and joy. This is what He has done and is still doing for me.

Comfort zones, we all have them and desperately long to live right in the middle of them, but should we? Beyond spending life in your favorite athletic pants and t-shirt, what is gained out of being comfortable?

I have essentially been living outside my comfort zone since last June/July. It has been a daily challenge to find something that resembles the life I was living before this journey began. But God. He has been the constant steady encouraging me to walk boldly into the unknown. He has been there when I felt alone and He has been there when I felt like I was bravely facing each decision that the day brought my way. I can honestly say that I no longer feel like I have a comfort zone. Everyday brings something new or a first for me and at 45 that can be overwhelming and exhausting. Even as I write this I am experiencing a first. I have traveled away from my home to meet people I have never met and stayed in a strangers home all to attend a women’s conference that I truly believe holds something for me. I should say that on day 0 these lovely women were strangers and now they are my friends. They know my story and have welcomed me and treated me not like a fragile person with a new label, but a strong woman that has endured and survived. This has helped me feel comfortable, but I am far from anything resembling a comfort zone.

Reflecting on my life I can see that comfort zones have led to complacency. We frequently face situations and seasons of comfort that do not challenge us physically, spiritually, or emotionally. There are times where comfort in my walk with God has led to laziness in my faith. Where I was just walking through the motions and not truly going all in for God. Where I would quote or post that scripture, but friend there is no anointing in Instagram or any social media platform. We are to be the hands and feet of Jesus. This means that we carry the anointing. So if we are comfortable and complacent then who is left carrying the anointing?

If you look at the life of Esther there was nothing comfortable about how she lived. She was a young woman who was chosen to be one of many wives of the king. She had an uncle who asked a big favor, he wanted her to save their people. She had a position that while she could be comfortable being one of many, she immediately had to choose the uncomfortable. She had to break protocol and trust that the Lord was going to protect her and provide favor as she obeyed. God worked in her and through her to ultimately save their people. She was called for such a time as this, just as we are. 

So, if we have been called to this time and this place, what are we doing with our calling? What are we doing to ensure that we do not get complacent? What is our response to God when He asks us to do something so far outside our comfort zone?

I can tell you that what you are reading, this blog, this was a big ask. He asked me to write. He asked me to share. He asked me to be honest with my journey. So what you are reading is not me, it is God working through me. It is God challenging me to stay uncomfortable. It is God redeeming my story. It is taking what Satan meant for destruction and turning it into life. 

Friend, will you step outside your comfort zone? Will you choose the uncomfortable moments knowing that you are choosing obedience? I hope so, because what you find in those uncomfortable moments is peace and joy that is only provided by our loving Heavenly Father.

How much more does God have for you if you were to allow Him to fully work in your life?

Recently I went out of town, met strangers that became friends, and attended a women’s conference where two powerhouse women spoke about how much more our Heavenly Father has for us and loves us. The weekend came at a pivotal moment. One where I walked in knowing God had something for me, but not knowing exactly what that something was. 

Here is what I do know:

• Kayaking in 80+ degree weather is therapeutic – especially when your hometown is under a blanket of snow and ice.
• Worshiping my Heavenly Father with over 1600 other women is powerful.
• Attending a breakout session where I could be challenged and encouraged by someone who has put on the label of widow was just what I needed.
• Dancing the night away under twinkle lights and a clear starry night is way more fun with friends.
• Eating way too much, spray tans, late night trips to Ross, and talking until the early morning hours is good for the soul.
• Visiting a beach where you can put your toes in the sand and remember plus make some amazing new memories is priceless.
• Meeting new people, hearing how God has worked and is continuing to work in their lives is proof that HE is still good and HE is still faithful.
• Stepping out and saying yes can be scary, but God has so much more if you are willing to take a chance and follow His lead. 

All of these things added to the weekend and what God was doing inside me. If you have been following this blog and my stories, you know that for the last 9 months I have been grieving various losses in my life. The loss of my spouse. The loss of the life we had planned. The loss of familiarity. The loss of my daughter’s father. Just to name a few.

The change from married life to the life of a widow has been challenging. This change has meant learning new things. This change has meant doing things on my own. This change has also meant making new memories that I will never share with Jason. But God has been with me. He has shown how He is good and faithful every step along this journey. He has placed beautiful people in my life to pray with me, to pray for me, to encourage me, to challenge me, to push me to try new things, and to be brave.  More than anything these beautiful people have kept me moving forward when I wanted nothing more than to stay on my couch deep inside my comfort zone. 

This weekend confirmed what I already knew but longed to hear: God has SO much more for me than just being a widow. He has called me to be His daughter and has given me purpose in my pain. 

• He has called me to share openly and honestly about my journey. 
• He is calling me to step out and talk about grief and to help normalize talking openly about this subject because as christians we should not shy away from difficult or uncomfortable topics. 
• He is calling me to reveal His wonders and encourage those walking a similar journey that their story, while hard, can also be good and also that their story when rooted and founded in God’s word doesn’t end in death, it ends in resurrection and life. 
• To share that He did not cause Jason to die but He will use that part of my story to redeem the pain, loss and brokenness, but He will also use it to help people recognize and proclaim His goodness and faithfulness even in the darkest of moments.  

Here are some takeaways from the women’s conference: 

• Doubt dies unborn if left unspoken.
• I am not defined by my label.
• We long for an intimate relationship with God, but we often settle for religion.
• Often we get to where we are going, but never the way we thought. God always has a plan for our purpose.
• We have to learn to trust God when we cannot trace His presence.
• Don’t miss the miracle in Malta because you are lamenting Rome.
• You are allowed to be a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously. 

So how do we live a life of much more? We lean in. We say YES to Jesus and all He asks us to do. So often we hesitate because we feel like we are not equipped or qualified. Y’all HE used a donkey, so who are we to question if we are properly equipped or qualified to do the work He has called us to do? If HE calls us HE will be faithful to equip us and qualify us. He will go before us and make a way so that He can be glorified. 

One day, I was watching a documentary. The interviewer asked a question that really made me think: “If you were to write a letter to your “person” (also read job, dream, etc.) what would you say?”

Mine would probably go something like this:

Dear boo, 

That moment you smiled at me and introduced yourself to me at school instead of the girl you were supposed to meet, that moment changed my life and yours.

The moment you asked me to the youth Christmas banquet, I would do anything to talk to that girl and give her some insight of what was to come from that first date. 

The week we were able to hang out and get to know each other better, can I have that week back again? It was so fun just talking and walking around the ORU campus, attending the track meet, and watching you play your guitar.  

The first official date where you showed up an hour early, I would love to go back there and replay those moments and hear what you and my dad talked about so awkwardly in the living room. 

Oh, the first kiss. It was perfect. There is nothing I would change, except to have just one more moment with you for one more hug and kiss.

I remember the night we talked about you moving. I was crushed, because I was moving back home and we would be able to have more time together. But, I knew that the move was something you needed to do for your career.

The late night phone calls, the over-stretched cord attached to the wall phone in the kitchen, the low battery beeps from the handheld cordless phone, and all the long distance charges (I probably still owe a balance…sorry mom!) those helped me feel closer to you.

The trips to Florida to visit, going to the beach in Clearwater, going to Busch Gardens, and just enjoying the beautiful weather. Having you come back to Oklahoma, picking you up at the airport, and going to all our favorite places. I miss those moments of seeing you in person for the first time after we had been apart. Oh what a heavenly reunion it will be when I see you again.

I am sorry about that one night where we ate at a beautiful restaurant on a pier in Tampa. You asked me to walk with you on the beach after dinner, but I declined and asked if we could go see a movie. I did not realize that you had a beautiful plan to watch the sunset and ask me to marry you in the most romantic way. I would love to have that night as a do-over. I would not have changed the plan.

The best day, that one sunny September day where there were just a few clouds in the sky, a slight breeze and the perfect temperature for an outdoor wedding, that was the best day. The only thing I would change about that day would be that I would slow down, look around, and enjoy all the moments and the people that came to celebrate us that day. The whole day felt like a beautiful blur.

Remember when we went to Cancun? I’m sorry about the snorkeling incident. I would like a re-do of that day as well. Other than that, I loved that trip because I was with you!

The road trips and the trips where we took an airplane. Any trip we took held some of the best memories. You loved vacation and adventure. I played it safe. If we could do something over, I would take more of an adventure stance. Oh the places we would have gone!

I remember the day I told you I was pregnant. Life was complicated in those early weeks. We were uncertain about so many things, except that we were so blessed to be adding to our family. I loved sharing that secret with only you for a while. It was just ours. It was also just as fun to share with our family that there would be another person to love. Our parents and family were so excited!

The day that Abby arrived in our arms was long and chaotic, but those first moments with you and her are some that I will always hold precious!

Watching you become a father made me fall in love with you all over again. You connected with Abby. There was something special between the two of you and I loved watching it grow and change as she did. From diapers to proms and graduation you were there for it all.

That trip to Las Vegas for our 20th anniversary. Enough said, because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. 

The day you told me you were proud of me for completing my masters degree, I want that day back too! I loved that moment, it meant the world to me that you recognized my hard work and were proud of me for finishing strong even through the worst that 2020 had thrown our way. 

May 26 – I would do anything to go back to that day. I would take more moments to hug you, talk with you, and just spend time with you before you were admitted to the hospital. I got busy preparing for our move that day and did not take as much time to sit and talk with you as I should have. Can I have that day back?

June 7. The day of the phone call. I had not heard your voice for a while. It sounded different because of the oxygen you had been on for a couple of weeks. You called to talk about something serious. The conversation did not last long. I think I remember saying I love you, but did I really?

I know you had amazing days along our journey together, but I find myself wondering which ones you would write to me about if things were different?

I want you to know that I love you. I have always loved you and will always love you. You are the reason I am who I am today. You challenged me, you encouraged me, and you loved me no matter what. I miss your daily encouragement, the way you challenged me and most of all your love. There is not a day that goes by where you aren’t a part of my thoughts. Happy Heavenly Valentine’s Day Boo.

This is just a snippet of what I would write, the rest I won’t share publicly. It is something that will always remain between Jason and I. 

Finally, I love the phrase “See you Soon” because it reminds me that as believers we have a hope of eternity together with our Heavenly Father. A hope of being reunited with those we have loved on this earth that have passed away. Friends, I want to challenge you to say all the words now, like today. Do not wait until later when you have to write it in a letter.

Stuck between Already and not yet. Sounds about right to me…how about you?

There have been so many times since last May that make me feel like I am stuck in the in-between. 

• In-between the home we have known for 3 years and a new place. 
• In-between one school year that was difficult and another full of the promise of normalcy.
• In-between quarantine and “normal” life.
• In-between the prayer of faith and the manifestation of those prayers. 
• In-between what I had known to be my life and what was now my reality.

Recently I heard a podcast that described this space as being between the already and not yet. 

• God had already provided a beautiful and comfortable home for 3 years and He was providing another home that we had not yet occupied.
• God had already promised health and healing, but when Jason was in the hospital, we had not yet seen a physical manifestation of healing. 

I have found this in-between place to be very uncomfortable for many reasons. First being, I still do not feel like myself. This is probably because I am not the person I used to be anymore, nor will I be again. Sure, there will always be similarities, but because I lost my spouse I gained a title that I will in some ways always hold…widow. 

This place called the in-between is different for everyone. For some it is a comfortable place that can leave you complacent and unwilling to change or move forward out of your comfort zone. For some it is a place of fear. Fear of the unknown or maybe fear of moving forward and away from what the “already” means to you. Finally for some it is a challenge. Challenging because they had experienced so much in the “already” and maybe they are facing the “not yet” because of some life changing event. 

Oftentimes you can find yourself in these different cycles of in-between at different stages in your life. There will be times of comfort and complacency, there will be times of fear of the unknown, and there will be times of challenge in embracing change. You may feel that “Already” is familiar. Maybe “Already” holds sweet memories or maybe “Already” holds moments of loss and pain. “Not yet” is full of everything that is unknown. “Not yet” can be exciting because it holds new memories and experiences. “Not yet” is also a place of hope and expectation of what could be one day.

Currently, I find myself in-between the stages of fear and challenging. Fear because “already” was comfortable. “Already” was familiar. “Already” was where Jason and all the memories with him reside. Fear of “not yet” means moving forward without him physically by my side. Fear of “not yet” means letting go of the future we had planned. In some instances, I also find the in-between challenging. Challenging to find a new purpose. Challenging because I am building a new life without my love. Challenging because everything has changed and nothing has changed. Challenging because my “we” was suddenly changed to “me”.

So, how do you navigate the in-between? How do you push through everything that is holding you to the “already” and walk past what is causing you fear about the “not yet”? First, you must invite God into that space. He is the only one that can fill the void that you feel between “already” and “not yet”.  God is a promise keeper. God is a way-maker. God is faithful. He will meet you right where you are, even if you are stuck in the space that in-between the already and the not yet. He will meet you in your imperfection. He is longing for you to invite Him into your in-between space. Will you do that today? 

Reveal: to make previously unknown or secret information known to others, to cause or allow something to be seen, to make something known to humans by divine or supernatural means.

Wonders: a feeling of surprise mingled with admiration, caused by something beautiful, unexpected, unfamiliar, or inexplicable; feel admiration and amazement; marvel; used to express a polite question or request.

What’s in a name? A lot actually, but you probably already know that. You most likely know what your name means, why your parents chose your name, and even your genealogy! Your name gives you a sense of identity, belonging, and purpose!

When it came to selecting the name for this blog there was only one option. Of course this name comes from a story that started in 2010, while watching the movie “How to Train Your Dragon”.

Jason, Abby, and I went to see the movie in the theater. It was well done in both the story line and the animation. If you knew Jason, you knew that this was very important to him enjoying the movie! After the movie as we were talking he let me know how much he enjoyed the part of the movie where the main character Hiccup was flying through the air on his dragon Toothless. You know the scene where they were weaving in and out of the clouds and landscape of their surroundings practicing maneuvers. This scene was beautifully animated and really drew you into the moment with the two of them flying and connecting as one. It was during this scene where Jason heard the words, “Reveal the Wonders”. 

As the years went by Jason knew that there was something to “Reveal the Wonders” but had not heard any more direction on what exactly it could become. He secured the domain. He dreamed about the possibility of what it might one day become. He invited me to dream with him about what this new adventure could one day become. Would it be something we do together? Would it be something relating to creation? He would often ask, “How can I “Reveal the Wonders” of who God is and what He desires us to know about HIm”? These are all questions we talked about frequently. The best part was that we dreamed together about what these words meant.

Then last summer when he died, I realized that this was yet another dream that died with him. 

But God. God always seems to work making beautiful things from the ashes. Fast forward to a few months ago, I was sitting in church when I heard the same words “Reveal the Wonders”. I wrote it down in the back of the journal I took sermon notes in and went on listening to the sermon. I was in an unhealthy place. I was trying to do the grief processing in my own strength. I was ignoring the deep hurt and emotions and going about each day trying to be “normal”. I have long been that person who is not publicly emotional, so I would try to make it through each day and take the evening and night to recover only to repeat it the next day. No one warns you how exhausting grief is. It takes a toll on you emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. So I continued to ignore what I was hearing the Lord say to me, until I began my sabbatical. Once you take away all the “to do list items” and the daily noise you can no longer run. 

So, I truly began to process all my “why” questions. I had honest time daily with my Heavenly Father where I expressed all my questions, concerns, and also thanked Him for being faithful and being a good Father. Then, I realized I had a “what” question: What can God do with my pain? What purpose will he reveal through this experience? As I wrestled with these questions, I continued to take time to continue processing my grief, sleeping, and spending time with my dog Willa Dean. 

Then as it got quiet, I knew. I had to stop running and face the emotion, the pain and the loss. As I did, I realized that God was already there. He met me in my pain, in my sorrow, and in my grief. Those feelings are not new to Him. He went through those emotions as Christ was crucified and died. It was in these moments that I realized that I can trust Him with my pain, with my sorrow and with my loss. He can redeem this situation and somehow bring beauty from the ashes of our dreams. 

So, I stopped. I turned and faced everything head on and something incredible happened. I heard it again…in church. “Reveal the Wonders”, only this time I responded with the following questions: 

• How do I use my story to help reveal God’s faithfulness, provision and goodness?
• How can I use my story to help other widows that feel lost, helpless, and hopeless?

Wow. What? All of this came from three words…Reveal the Wonders. Then I knew, the Lord had already been working through me and giving me titles, many you have seen here or will soon see here, and words flowed out from my pen. He was waiting for my obedience. He wanted to redeem this yuck, this gross, this unfair, this terrible, this tragedy. He wanted to show me that dreams do not die. They may lay dormant for a while, but He will breathe life into those dead dreams and use them for His glory. 

Dear friend, please keep dreaming. Keep listening to your Heavenly Father. He is speaking and chances are that like me, He has already asked you to do something. Maybe it seems too big, too scary, or too outside of your comfort zone. Maybe it is in an arena that you are not familiar with or that you are not an “expert”. Guess what? You do not have to be. All you have to be is obedient to Him and He will use you to do great things for Him. 

All of this to say, this is where the blog name came from: Reveal the Wonders.