Oh September! September is the month that our family loves because most of us get to celebrate our birthdays. There aren’t many days that do not mark a birthday or anniversary in our family and extended family this month. Basically everytime we turn around we are eating cake or having a family get together. Is this bad? No way! In fact I love it because most of the time it means gathering as a group to catch up, celebrate, eat something that has been lovingly grilled and watch some football. If we are lucky the evening might even end with some Texas Hold ‘em or Mexican Train Dominoes. Yes, we are that family and I love it!

I am actually one of the September birthday celebrations. Yes, I begin a new year in September every year. I love my birthday, not for the reasons most think. But yes, I do love birthday cake.🙂 I love my birthday because it marks a changing of seasons in a way, it falls at the beginning of football season. So while the weather may not feel cool and crisp you know it is right around the corner. I also love my birthday because it means there is another opportunity to Carpe Diem. Meaning, as I age I have learned that birthdays should be celebrated. It is celebrating life. It is celebrating you. Whether you believe it or not, you are worth celebrating…even if you slide into this birthday on two wheels and zero miles to go until empty. I guess what I am trying to say is that I love celebrating life. It is too short to dismiss a birthday as just another day. You and I have been created for such a time as this and we should embrace that and live it up…within reason of course. 

That being said, since Jason died I have found that celebrating birthdays are tough. It is a struggle to enjoy the moments as I once did. Those celebrations now feel like I am trying to clap with one hand or celebrate without glitter or confetti. Isn’t that a picture of grief? You have joy, you have laughter and yet you have tears and you have crying. But I have been making an effort to be in the moment. To live life fully in the moment that I am presented with, meaning that if I am at a celebration I am happy, I express joy and we live it up and make memories. So, this year even though it will be difficult I am choosing joy. I am choosing to believe that he is celebrating me in the most perfect way. This new month and this new year will be the best because I am choosing joy. Will there be tough days, yes, but I do not have to reside there. That is not the end of my story. My story ends good. My story ends with joy. 

Along the lines of celebrations, I recently learned something new and I have been working to process just exactly what it means to me personally. I wanted to share the nugget of wisdom, but please know I am working to define what it means in my everyday life. So I am learning alongside each of you!

Some people (including me) have long disliked the term “widow”. I have never liked it, personally and it has never felt comfortable checking that box on a form. That being said, what I heard has forever changed my point of view on this term. Someone recently encouraged me to look at being a widow as an honor. For me, it was an honor to be married to Jason. It was an honor to walk next to him through about 30 years of life. It was an honor to sit next to him in the hospital and pray for him and fight for him when he could not fight. It was an honor to release him to heaven where he received his perfect healing. It is an honor to be his widow. It is an honor to carry his legacy daily and share our story in hopes that it brings someone else comfort and peace. You see in the Bible there are specific groups of people that are mentioned and called to be cared for because they are special and those groups are the widows and orphans. So, if God saw that a widow was worthy of attention and care, why should I spend so much time disliking the label? Why don’t I give the fight over to Him and allow Him to infuse His peace, comfort and goodness into the situation. 

I want to challenge you to choose joy. Choose to let God fight on your behalf. Choose to rest in His goodness and faithfulness because that is His gift to us. 

“A lot about livin’ & a little ‘bout love” is a line from an Alan Jackson song. It is actually a catchy tune if you have ever heard the song. But as I prepare to move once again (yes, you read that right) I cannot help but think about what I have written about this house. It has built me in more ways than one. But, as I have been packing, sorting and trashing items I have felt more emotional than I expected. I realized that leaving this home closes a chapter in my life that I wasn’t ready to close. Yet, it also opens the door to a new chapter that is full of unknown excitement and adventure.

You see, my baby bird has left the nest. She sprouted the most beautiful wings and is thriving on her own. She is learning what it means to have her own space and learning what it means to say that a “house built her” is an understatement. But where does that leave me? On my own for the first time in my life. Yes, you read that correctly. I have never lived on my own. So it is time to downsize and create my own nest, one that is built for 1. I am not quite sure my exact feelings on this, however, what I can say now is that this whole process is not what it should have looked like or felt like. Jason should be here. He should be doing all the dad things for our girl as she moved and as she is getting settled, and yet he is not here. He and I should be enjoying being empty nesters and embarking on our own adventures that we had planned out, and yet he is not here. 

This home that I have lived in this last year has taught me “A lot about livin & a little ‘bout love”. I have learned so much about living, not just in a home but truly living. Like embrace every day, trust that God is good no matter what life looks like kind of living. I have learned about caring for a space that stands alone. I have learned about caring for myself physically, mentally and spiritually. I have learned that I have a renewed purpose and calling on my life and made changes to fully chase after that which God is calling me to! Some of these lessons were easier than others, some of these lessons meant a new level of trust for me, and some of these lessons came straight from my Heavenly Father hidden behind beautiful eyes and smiles. I have learned to be vulnerable and let people into my innermost circle, trusting that as I gave them my heart, they will choose to take care of it like it was their own. 

The love I have learned about is multi-faceted. I learned to love myself. Like really love me. I am still working on this daily, but for the most part I know that I am a beautiful daughter of the King of Kings. He made me and that is more than enough. I choose to not question why, I choose to lean into what He has called and equipped me to do. I have learned so much about the love of my Heavenly Father. I am in awe daily at how creative He is and how intentional He is with me. For example, His name is the sound of breathing. So literally when you inhale and exhale you are speaking the name of God. YHWH. Think about that for a moment. Your first breath when you are born speaks His name just as much as when you breathe your last breath. Every breath in between speaks His name. When you experience joy, sorrow, fear and peace you speak His name. When you have all the words or even when you cannot speak you speak His name with every breath. 

In short I have learned and am still learning a lot about living. Living on my own, living as a widow, living through tragic loss, living as someone who is healing daily and leaning fully on her Heavenly Father. I have also learned a little ‘bout love. The love of my family, friends and community that has helped me make it to today. Most importantly the love of my Heavenly Father. I am learning more about life and love daily. It is a constant process of growth, stretching, joy and pain. But such is life.

So my friend, what are you learning about life and love?

Perspective is a funny thing, mainly because your opinion and knowledge of a situation relies totally on how you view and experience the situation. For example: My perspective of the landscape of Oklahoma is much different when I am driving through the state than when I am flying over the beautiful Sooner state. So, why am I talking about perspective? Because, I am marching at a rapid pace toward the 2 year mark of when Jason passed away and the perspective of 2 years from that life changing event is much different than the perspective of going through those extremely tough days as well as the perspective of 1 year from that life changing event. 

While Jason was in the hospital I kept a journal. I wrote about each day in detail because I wanted to be able to fill him in on what he missed while he was sedated. During those 7+ weeks I kept hope and I experienced a holy kind of peace. Last year and again this year I have read through what I wrote each day during that journey. Some days are easy to read and remember, others I feel the words I wrote just as deeply as I did when I wrote them. This is perspective. 

The woman who wrote those words in her journal was fighting a big battle for her husband and her family. The woman who wrote those words in her journal was tired physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. The woman who wrote those words in her journal was leaning on her Heavenly Father like she never had before. More than that, through reading the words in those journals I see that the woman who wrote those words loved her husband, missed him terribly and wanted nothing less than for him to open his eyes, talk to her, get out of the bed, give her the biggest hug, and make a full recovery. This is perspective. 

The woman who lived past those words she wrote is still fighting battles for her family. The woman who lived past those words she wrote is still tired physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally some days. However, the woman who lived past those words she wrote has realized she is stronger than she thought she was, she is resilient, she is compassionate, and she is realizing that God is asking more of her in this new season. Again, this is perspective!

I was recently asked by a dear friend what my biggest regret was and honestly the question caught me off guard. My mind began racing. I have so many regrets and perspective has granted me the gift of reflection on not only the journey when Jason was sick and in the hospital, but also over the course of our 28 years together. Of course the normal questions arise, like did I make the right decisions concerning his care, did I say “I love you” enough and so on. But what I realized in that moment was it goes deeper than that. We both said “I love you” as often as we could. We took the road trips, although I do wish we would have done a little more exploring so mark that as a slight regret. We laughed together, we celebrated with each other, and we had great moments together as a family. Really, when it came down to giving an answer I gave two: first I wish we would have taken more time to sit around the table for dinner and conversations. Second, I wish Jason and I would have had more conversations about our wishes for end of life care. Again, I could list so many more things on a list of regrets like, I wish I would have taken more time to sit and talk with him between May 21 and May 26. I wish I would have shared the phone with Abby when he called on June 7. I wish, I wish, I wish. 

These are things I cannot change, yet as I look back it can influence choices I make today and every day moving forward. I can choose to let these thoughts dominate my mind or I can choose to use what I know and what I experienced as a launching point to be different every day. To choose to sit and talk instead of being busy. To choose to include others in my daily walk because there is power in unity and community. To choose to slow down so I can hear the still small voice of my Heavenly Father when I need His comfort, guidance and love the most. See, perspective can be a good thing although in my life it is almost always challenging!

When I think about sitting, slowing down, listening and just being in the presence of my Heavenly Father, my family, my friends or whoever I am sitting across from in the moment, I think about the story of Mary and Martha when Jesus came to their home. 

“Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42 ESV

How many times are we like Martha when we should be more like Mary? How many times has our phone, computer, tv, tablet, book, or whatever been a distraction and prevented us from engaging with those around us? I often think how many interactions have I missed over my 46 years because of being distracted? 

So as I sit and ponder this upcoming milestone, I can remember the hard times we experienced and grew through. I can recount the decisions we made as a couple as well as the difficult decisions I had to make on his behalf.  It is easy to vividly remember all of the good things, especially when you have grown up together, there are bound to be a lot of happy memories!  I love that our Heavenly Father has given us the gift of memories. Because of this gift, I can still hear his laugh after telling one of those really corny dad jokes or after he shared one of his classic funny sayings that rolled off his tongue as if he had been saving it for just that particular moment. I can still see the twinkle in his eyes once he cracked a joke or just thought of something that he had yet to share. This is the perspective I will treasure this week as we honor a life well lived. 

I want to use my gift of perspective to recall the good things that my Heavenly Father has provided for me throughout my life. I want to sit at His feet and be in His presence so I can hear His still small voice. Basically, I want to be a Mary in this Martha world. How about you?

Even if…I have said those words many times over the years. I have even uttered the phrase “What if” a time or two as well. But think about this, what if strikes fear. It leads you down a mental rabbit hole where you are automatically thinking about the worst things that could possibly happen and running all the scenarios through your mind. You might even be doing it now as you read this post. STOP! Look at the words Even If. They spark hope. They lead you down a different path, one that says “even if ______ happens I will still trust in you Lord”. You fill in the blank and make the sentence work for your personal scenario, but it should always end with knowing, trusting, and believing that your Heavenly Father wants nothing but His best for your life. 

Lately, I have had to employ the “even if” statements more than usual. Since February it has felt like a constant season of change and the need to make some very big decisions personally. For some, change is exciting and they crave it…not me. I do like some elements of change, however, for me though it is the unknown parts of change that are difficult. Embracing the uncomfortableness of ambiguity has never seemed fun or exciting to me…until recently. Since April I have been walking through a decision to change jobs. Now this change is not something that I was seeking, it actually came about because of some friends and their loving nudge to explore some options. But if I go back further than that, I think I have known for a while that my time in education was coming to a close. I say that mainly because the journey I have been on for the last two years has been so significant personally that it would eventually drive me to do something that helps those in my similar situation. But how? Only by the grace of my Heavenly Father and my amazing community have I been able to walk out this journey. Since February, I have learned more about my God given gifts, talents, core values, mission, vision, and purpose. I have learned that all I have walked through in my life has molded me and shaped me into who I am today and He wants to use all of those pieces for His glory. But with that comes the need for change and often those moments of uncomfortable ambiguity. I will add that anytime I have walked through making decisions or big changes while grieving it has made it more complicated because there are more emotions tangled up with every move. With these big changes it has amplified it even more. 

I have been at this education thing since graduating college in 1998. That is a long time! I have invested 11 years in the school I have been at most recently. I have built true friendships that will last a lifetime. The place has become like home. My daughter grew up and graduated from this school and she also made lifelong friendships there as well. The last two years this school has been a safe haven for me to walk through the toughest season I have ever faced. They provided a sanctuary for me to grieve, but did not allow me to grieve alone. They surrounded me and walked with me every step of the way. So to even think about stepping away from this place did not cross my mind, well at least stepping away anytime soon. I was thinking more along the lines of when I was of retirement age. But my Heavenly Father has a way of easing me into change. He has a way of lovingly preparing my heart for the hard decisions and conversations. If I look back, this past school year felt different. There were many days as I worshiped in the car on the way to school I would find myself in tears and not really knowing why. Looking back I was pre-grieving. I was being prepared to leave my safe haven or really it is more like leaving home. But I know that I have been prepared for this change. I know that I am going to be doing something that helps women walk through what I have been walking through the last two years. More than anything I know God called me to that school at that time so I could grow spiritually, mentally, and professionally in a way that prepared me for all that I have walked through up to today. I just could never have imagined all that would go into shaping me into the woman I am today 11 years ago. But it is easy to look back and gain perspective. 

Each year about this time I sit and re-read through my journals from when Jason was in the hospital. I never want to forget those moments, not because of what was happening, but because instead of running from God when our prayers were seemingly unanswered I ran to Him. I was in a place spiritually where I felt immoveable and unshakeable. I was embracing the “even if” of the situation. I never felt fear of the future creeping in, I never felt doubt that God would not take care of me, and I never felt alone or abandoned. In fact I want to share just a few of the confessions that I wrote during this uncertain time:

• I do not fear the future because you are already there.
• I do not fear the journey because I Know you go before me, behind me, and all around me. 
• I know you are a miracle working God because your Word is alive and powerful.
• I am strong because my source of strength, confidence and courage is my Heavenly Father.
• I know you will never fail me so I walk in peace because I trust in you. 

Each year, as I have read through the journals there is something new that stands out to me. Something I wrote in the moment that seemed small or insignificant and yet two years later is perfect for when I am reading it. If you do not journal that is ok! We have a written record or holy words that have been inspiring people for centuries! These writings have been curated and put together to create the Bible. The words found in this book were inspired and written in a way that makes them relevant and helpful even today. They infuse hope, joy and refreshment into my life and they will do the same for you, but you have to open the book and read. If you don’t know where to start, start with the gospels Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Just start reading. The words and the stories will change your perspective and your life! The words will bring comfort when you are in the midst of hard times. The words will bring joy and refreshment when you are tired. 

So my friends, what is your “even if” right now? How can you change the narrative from “what if” to “even if” and what scriptures are you standing on to give you hope, strength and courage?

Seasons come and seasons go. It seems like just as you are getting comfortable in a particular season it changes. Isn’t that just like life? There are mountains, there are valleys, there are green spaces, there are rainy seasons and there are deserts. Only one thing in my life has remained more consistent than the changing seasons and that is my Heavenly Father. 

In the desert seasons all you see is dirt for miles. There are few things that grow in this environment. It is a place of resilience where grit and just being able to be the last man/woman standing is imperative. In the desert there is always this feeling of dry parched earth in every step you take. You feel as though every drop of water is precious and life-giving. There isn’t one place in your life left untouched by the swirling dust and dirt of the desert. The journey through the desert is tough and at times it seems never ending. Yet this season is filled with opportunities to sit at the feet of your Heavenly Father and discover aspects of His character you have missed in other seasons. It is a season filled with growth even though it does not feel like it in the desert. This season is necessary so you can thrive in the other seasons of life. No one ever chooses this as their favorite season, yet once out of this season you can look back and pinpoint moments where true depth and growth occurred. 

In the Mountain season you have amazing views of the scenery around you. You can see where you have been and even where you want to go next. There are trees, flowers and ground coverings until a certain elevation, then once above the tree line it clears so you can see your surroundings. The journey to the top of the mountain may feel a lot like the desert where you feel like you are the last person standing alone on that summit. This is not an easy season, but it does not feel as dry and lonely as the desert season. This is a challenging season and yet you are prepared because of what you learned about yourself and your Heavenly Father in the desert season. Just remember you are never alone and your Heavenly Father is always with you. 

In the Valley season there are places that are filled with death and despair. There are places that seem to give reprieve from the dark spaces and yet there is never rest in the valley. Yet there is something that drives the traveler to keep moving through the valley. There is something that beckons movement just as in the desert season. There are times of provision and prosperity, but there is just something that doesn’t allow you to get comfortable while walking through this season. There is little rest while you are trying to escape the dark spaces of the valley. Traveler, you must keep moving forward. You must keep moving toward your Heavenly Father.

In the rainy season there is what seems to be a never ending downpour of water from the sky. It is always gray, dark and damp. There is seemingly no place that you can go to dry off and rest. In this season you will get wet, you will get muddy. This season is tough. You have your rain boots on and you are walking through the water and the mud, but you feel every step. You feel the pull of the mud and the muck. You might even fall or give up, but know that your Heavenly Father is walking with you helping you to pull yourself up and keep going. If you are in a place where there is a lot of rain you will typically have beautiful trees that grow tall and provide a canopy of leaves and branches. This does not shut out the rain, but it does provide some cover, but this canopy never fully blocks out the rain. In this environment you cannot survive alone. You will need a guide. Someone who knows what you are walking through and what you might face. Someone who wants the best for you in every step that you take. That someone is your Heavenly Father. When you rely on Him, He will lead you through and eventually you emerge from the canopy, the rain will stop, the skies will clear and a rainbow will appear. 

In the green spaces there is rest. In the green spaces there is restoration and refreshment. In the green spaces there is something that helps it feel like it is complete and whole. In the green spaces there is peace and rest. These green spaces make the desert, the valley, the rain and the mountain seasons seem distant. However, these green spaces are not the place for comfort and complacency. These spaces are for growth and filling. We need the green spaces to help us feel refreshed because we cannot pour out of an empty cup. We need to refill during this season because people need us to share about our journey. People need to learn what we have learned and experienced to help them keep traveling through their seasons. People need to hear our story! People need to be reminded about this journey because we all know that seasons do not last forever. Every season has a beginning and an end. Each season brings its own challenges and rewards, but they do not last forever. In the words of Dory, “Just keep swimming”!

Friend, what season do you find yourself in today? How has your Heavenly Father been walking with you and what is He equipping you for in your next season?

“Life is to be lived.” 

“People are meant to be celebrated.”

“Adventure is out there waiting to be explored.” 

“Memories are still out there to be made.”

“Be in the pictures, take all the pictures and look through them often.”

All great things. Yet grief stops you in your tracks almost as if you are wearing concrete shoes. Then when you hear the phrases above it is almost an insult at times because you just want to respond with, “don’t you remember what happened?” or “don’t you remember who I lost?” Either response would be fitting and yet we continue to grieve in silence and refuse to speak up. I would gather that most of us don’t speak up because we don’t want to rehash everything that has happened, or we know the people advising us mean well and truly love us. Yet the pain is still there. The thought of living life without our person is painful. It hurts deep in our soul and yet hope flickers dimly. For me, the dim flicker of hope was always there and the flicker grew the closer I leaned into my Heavenly Father. Yet I see people everywhere that cannot even seem to find that flicker. It makes me wonder how much they lean toward their Heavenly Father or if they even truly know Him. It also makes me wonder how I can help them or rather how I can show them the real Jesus and help them understand just how much He truly cares. 

Think back to what you know of the story of Lazarus. He and Jesus were close friends and Lazarus’s sisters were part of the friendship as well. In fact it was Lazarus’ sisters who were the ones that sent for Jesus when Lazarus was dying. Jesus delayed his trip to see his friend and Lazarus died. After a time Jesus and his disciples made the trek to see Lazarus and his sisters. When they arrived they found that Lazarus had been dead for a while and his sisters were angry and grieving. They had questions for Jesus. They wondered why. Why did he not come and heal their brother so he would live? Why did Jesus wait so long to come see Lazarus? It was at this point we read the shortest verse in the Bible, “Jesus wept.” You see Jesus did not get to see his friend before he passed away. Jesus did not get to say his final words to Lazarus. Jesus did not even get to participate in the funeral. However, he did grieve. He mourned and cried. He did this knowing that his next movement would be to raise Lazarus from the dead. 

• Why should we keep on living after a loved one passes away?
  • Because their life was important. They made an impact on you and your life. This impact should be shared and their legacy should be imprinted on the next generation. 
  • Because even though Jesus did not physically show up in your hospital room or at your loved ones funeral, He is with you and has been with you everyday of your life. 
  • People are meant to be celebrated. Celebrate the birthdays, anniversaries, promotions, graduations, events and anything that needs to be celebrated.
  • Adventure is out there waiting to explore it. You, yes you on the couch…go walk, go run or just go outside. 
  • Memories are still out there  to be made. Go, do and try all the things that you had an excuse for yesterday. Be stronger than your excuses! Why? Because today is a new day so go Carpe Diem that thing!
  • Be in the pictures, take all the pictures and look through them often. Think of these pictures as a gift to your kids, your grandkids, and all the generations after you. They will have a plethora of pictures of you to choose from for your memory sliedshow. I know that sounds a bit morbid, but also remember you should not always be the one behind the camera getting that perfect shot. Be in front. Be silly. Be serious. Just whatever you do, make every effort to be in more pictures. Your kids aren’t going to remember anything other than the memories that were made when that photo was taken. You are beautiful/handsome and worth photographing!

So my friends, just keep living. It might be a minute at a time or a day at a time but keep bravely putting one foot in front of the other and doing life knowing you are honoring a life well lived and one day someone else will do the same once you are gone. 

So in life there is always a next step. God is always up to so much more than we can see or feel. Knowing this, why is that next step always so daunting? In my life, I have always struggled with taking that next step. You see I love knowing all the details and making a cautious controlled step. One where I know everything that will happen. But life is not like that. It is unpredictable. It is messy. Yet I still hesitate and pause until I can easily say yes. 

Hesitating, pausing, or trying to control all the things is not putting my trust in God. What it means is that essentially I am telling God I know better and I don’t need your help in this area. OUCH! Even as I type this post I am walking through a season where I have been dragging my feet on something that a friend and I have been talking about and planning for almost a year. Something we felt like the Lord was asking us to do. But in doing this thing it means being ok with things not being perfect. It also means I have to be brutally vulnerable even with people who I may never have an opportunity to meet or see their face. 

So why is choosing obedience to my Heavenly Father so difficult? Or maybe the better question is why is willing to not be perfect and showing vulnerability so challenging for me? For me, it goes back to what I wrote about in the post “Speak Life”. It speaks directly to that inner self talk of “you aren’t good enough” or “no one will like xyz that you are doing now”. But if I take a true look at those statements neither is true. I am the daughter of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. I am an image bearer of Christ. So I am good enough because He made me to be me. God has called me and purposed me to help introduce others to Him and share what He has done in my life. So, whether anyone likes, reads, or listens to what I do doesn’t matter. What matters is that I follow Him and do what He asks of me because where He calls me He will equip me and He will do the same for you!

Walking through this grief and widow journey has been daily taking the next step in front of me. Some of the steps have been easy and some have been extremely hard and required true grit. Grit in this journey looks different in 2023 than it did in 2021 and 2022. From the moment this journey began it took everything in me to just feel something. Tattoos did not hurt, not much made me laugh for real and even thrill rides weren’t that thrilling. All of that built up to going skydiving. Pretty extreme, right? Well, even the thought of jumping out of a plane, strapped to a stranger with nothing but cords and a parachute did not phase me. These experiences provided an adrenaline rush that took me to the next experience. But what I did know was my Heavenly Father was walking with me in each of these experiences. He was patiently guiding me, comforting me, placing precious people in my life and making sure I continued safely on my path. He is the ultimate gentleman holding open the doors I would need to walk through in this early piece of my journey. Each step of this journey required me to shed pieces of the old me, to dig deep and be honest with the emotions of this change. When you grow up with someone and choose to marry them your life is intertwined in more than just the “one flesh” way. Your personality and often how you look seems to morph into a conglomeration of what was once yours and what was theirs until you are no longer recognizable. This is why losing a person of this significance is so gut wrenching and truly causes deep secondary losses because a new identity is required to even just do basic daily functions.  This is yet again where my Heavenly Father was walking alongside me, showing me who I am in Him and asking nothing more than for me to trust Him in the rebuilding of me.

As I rolled deeper into 2022 I began to notice a shift that has increased now that we are in 2023. I realized that the grit I needed in the early days is no longer the grit I need for today. I need something different. I needed grit to rebuild and rediscover just who it is that I am as a single mom, woman and widow. He has called me to be an “Ezer Kenegdo”. Ezer Kenegdo are the first two words spoken about a woman in the Bible. They are found in Genesis. Ezer means helper and one who gives strength or aid. Meaning you are doing something for someone that they cannot do for themselves. In almost every other place the word Ezer is found in the Bible it is being used to describe the relationship between God and Israel. Kenegdo is a word found only one time in the Bible and it is in Genesis when used to describe women. It means one who stands in front of you or next to you but doesn’t let you go just any way you want. These words, Ezer Kenegdo, were used when describing a woman as a suitable helpmate for a man. So in my mind I now see women as warriors for their families, for their relationships and for their community. They stand face to face and side by side with those they aid and no matter the circumstance or the story playing out in front of them, they will fight against all that hell tries to bring against them. 

I am here today to tell you that I am a warrior that has a story and I will shout it from every corner of this world because I know that my best days are still ahead of me because He still has a purpose for me. He is not finished with this 40 something widow. He wants me to meet new people, build community, and make new memories. He wants me to smile, laugh and enjoy the days He has set before me and He wants the same for you. 

So, my friend, what is the next step He is asking you to take?

Speak life. Two words that seem easy to say but putting them into practice is a totally different issue. I often find it is easier to practice speaking life over others before myself. Because, if I am being truly honest, it is difficult to speak kindly about myself because I am acutely aware of all my faults and flaws. I get to see them up close and personal on a daily basis. And yet I know that I am a child of God. I know that I am the daughter of a King. I know I am loved, cherished, and cared for deeply by my Heavenly Father, my family and friends. They speak life over me daily, so why should I have such a difficult time doing the same?

Speaking life has always been challenging because I have always struggled with feeling like I was good enough, tall enough, talented enough, pretty enough, a good daughter, wife, mom, sister, friend, and the list goes on. Learning more about my personality and God given gifts and talents has helped me to realize that this is something that I struggle with and therefore I need to pay attention to daily. Since I have become more aware of my tendencies, I have started taking action to combat the lies the enemy was trying to make me believe. I have started confessing life and bravery over myself and my family. 

I came across this statement in a reading the other day: “You cannot be brave and speak poorly about yourself.” When I first read this statement I did not really agree with it because I have done plenty of brave things without changing how I spoke to myself. But then when I really sat with this statement I realized it is true. Bravery is more than doing things in the face of fear. It is how you carry yourself. It is how you speak to yourself and others. It is how you react to circumstances. It is taking a step of faith not knowing how it will work out in the end. 

Not much in life can focus your prayers and the words that come from your mouth like trials. In my life it was Jason’s big health challenge. In the heat of battle, the facts swirling, and the medical jargon being force fed to me (someone without a medical degree) with every procedure and shift change meant I had to find that calm and peaceful center. Those days, and really everyday since, my calm and peaceful center is and has been my Heavenly Father. He showed up for me daily. His presence was evident in every decision I had to make, every report I received from a nurse or doctor, in every procedure that needed to be done, and I can say it was even evident in Jason’s passing. But it didn’t just happen “magically”. I had to speak words of life, of peace and calmness. I had scriptures and confessions that I would read over Jason, over me and our family. I read them in that ICU room, at home and even in the car. There wasn’t a moment where I allowed anything other than peace to be present. 

I have often wondered why it took this event for me to truly understand why it is so important to speak life.  I have been a Christian since I was a child. I grew up in a church that believed in speaking life. So why wasn’t this evident in my life before? I think it was, but it was an underused muscle. Life was easy. We were happy and all was good. No need to do major workouts right? Wrong. I have been going to the gym and lifting weights for a while now and I have learned something: lifting weights means that you need to work on not just the major muscles involved in the lifts but you also have to work on building up the supporting muscles. Meaning that you may not use every muscle group everyday but you should be developing them so that when you need them they are ready! Same goes for our lives. I need to work on my “speaking life” muscle so that when it is needed it is built up and ready to work! 

So, speak life over yourself, speak life over your neighbor and begin to really see yourself the way your Heavenly Father sees you. You are a beautiful (or handsome) work of art that He created and gave specific personality traits, gifts, and talents that your family and friends need daily. Go be brave and speak life!

 Brave: endure or face unpleasant conditions or behavior without showing fear.

Have you ever had to be brave? Have you ever had to be brave in your outward appearance and yet inside you feel nothing but fear, anxiety, timidity, uncertainty, etc.? I know I have and if I am being honest I have done more of the second one than the first…especially since Jason passed away. Learning new things, going new places, moving, making decisions, and continuing to be a parent. All these life things had to keep moving forward despite my loss and grief. That is where “brave” had to take over. 

• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like getting out of bed for the first time in a few days.
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like getting out of the house.
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like going to the store alone. 
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like going back to church alone or with a friend.
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like traveling alone for the first time or any time.
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like being alone in your home.
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like a family dinner even though you are missing someone important. 
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like celebrating a holiday or a special day without your person.
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like being vulnerable and truly honest with someone.
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like going on an adventure or trying something new. 
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like allowing true joy in your life. 
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like moving forward while honoring the past and the story that brought you to today. 
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like telling your story.

Being brave is contagious. Think about it, when you were a kid and you wanted to try something either your parents or someone you knew would always encourage you by saying, “Go ahead! It’s not scary so and so is doing it”…or whatever other encouragement applies to the situation. Maybe you had parents that would try things with you and modeled how to be “brave” for you. But once you saw someone complete the task or whatever, you would feel like you could at least try it, right? That is how “brave” is contagious. Now, apply that to your situation. For me, it is continuing to live my life in a way that honors God, honors the legacy relationship that Jason and I had and even honors myself by discovering who this new me truly is. 

Let me just tell you that there is not one single day that I “feel brave”. I have had many people tell me, “You are so brave. I don’t think I could do what you have done if I ever lost my spouse.” If I know them well enough my response is usually one of two things: “I pray you never have to find out.” or “I don’t consider myself brave. I am just doing the next thing in front of me.” Well, when you follow what God is asking of you (doing the next thing in front of you) that is being brave. That is also when those around you can see evidence of your Heavenly Father in you, your words, and your actions. 

There is a great book by Joyce Meyer titled “Doing it Afraid”. This last year I read it and walked through a study with a small group of ladies. While in this group, I realized that for most of my life I had been making decisions from a place of fear instead of a place of “brave”. So since then I have been taking time to really reflect and look at my words, my thoughts, and my actions. I have decided that instead of resolutions in 2023, I am going to set goals. One of my goals is to make small shifts in my mindset daily to intentionally be “brave”. But not as you typically think of brave. I have decided that instead of focusing on what I cannot do or rather do not know how to do, I will simply do the next thing in front of me that He is asking me to do. I will do this knowing that my Heavenly Father is walking with me on this journey. I still know I will not feel brave, but I know that by being obedient He will honor my actions and work in, through and around me to complete His ultimate plan. I mean after all He did use a donkey. 

My friend, where do you need to be brave? Where do you feel the Heavenly Father asking you to take a step but you have let fear rule? Change that today and be brave!

Do you have a favorite chair or place to sit in your home? The chair where you can sip a hot cup of coffee, tea or hot chocolate while you read, study or pray. Maybe the chair is even by a window with your favorite view.  For me, it is the place where once I get comfortable, I immediately feel the weight of the world leave and I can just relax and truly be myself in front of my Heavenly Father. There are so many different types of chairs that serve various purposes. Below are a few I have sat in over the last year and a half. 

The airplane chair: these types of chairs inspire adventure and excitement especially for a trip where there are sure to be new experiences ahead. Travel is always fun, you can escape your daily reality to make new memories. There was a trip to the mountains that was packed with celebrating accomplishments and seeing God’s hand in nature.

The waiting room chair: these chairs tend to be oversized to fit anyone, not comfortable and cold. These chairs can be useful when waiting for answers and can be very unforgiving when they are the only option to use for a bed. I am convinced that these chairs are made uncomfortable on purpose, to prevent you from settling in and enjoying the space where these chairs reside. 

The couch: while this is not technically a chair, this is a place to sit. For me, this couch became a place where I spent time in quarantine. Some may think this sounds delightful, but I can assure you that it was anything but comfortable. This season came with uncertainty, with hope, a lot of prayer and a dash of trust for good measure. It came with more questions than answers and lots of moving supplies. 

The hospital ICU chair: this chair is surprisingly comfortable and as a bonus feature it reclines! This chair comes with a view I pray no one ever has to experience. This chair comes with yet again a plethora of questions and in my case not nearly enough answers. In this chair I experienced many ups and downs as I watched my love fight for his life. This chair provided minimal comfort the day we were told there was nothing more the doctors could do. This chair would be where I said my final goodbyes and watched my love “slip the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God”. Those words of President Ronald Reagan were echoing in my mind that beautiful July morning. 

The funeral chair: to be honest I do not remember much about this chair. I remember feeling like the day was very surreal. I wasn’t sure what emotions were going to be around the corner but I knew I did not want to lose it because I feared I would never regain composure. Plus, I knew Jason would not want the day to be sad and he would have hated how much he was talked about and his accomplishments celebrated. More than the ICU chair I pray you never have to sit in this chair, but if you do I pray you have people around you supporting you as you grieve and heal. 

The griever chair: this chair is one that often changes. It never feels the same. Some days you do not know it is there and others once you sit in it you feel as though you will never get up again. For me this first year went by quickly. This does not mean there weren’t moments that were challenging, sad, and some even exciting and full of joy. But I am learning that the chair sits differently in year 2. I am sure the chair will change every year, but I find that this year sitting in the chair has caused more questions along with raw conversations with my Heavenly Father. Everyone’s grief journey is different. It is different because the relationship you had with the one you lost was different from the relationship I had with Jason. Some helpful tips for those who know someone who sits in this chair: engage with them, lean in and be patient. Talk with them, ask them normal questions, and most importantly ask about their person. There is nothing more a griever wants than to have the opportunity to honor the legacy of those they have lost by talking about them and telling stories. It helps us feel connected to them even if only by a thread that is constantly slipping further away. 

The current chair is one that is specific to my loss and grief journey. It is the widow chair: this chair is the most uncomfortable and just when you feel like you are getting the hang of it and starting to relax something comes up and reminds you of your chair and more importantly the journey that brought you to that chair. I would never want anyone to sit in this chair, but I know that is not how our broken world works. I know several that have also been given this chair over the last year. It’s a club that no one talks about…yep, kind of like fight club. But I am learning more about this chair every day. This chair, or rather the population that is labeled “widow” is the most underserved in our nation, maybe even the world. Why? Probably because we don’t like that label and more importantly we do not like to ask for help. We would rather try to fix or do it by ourselves. So my admonition to those in this chair, accept the help, ask for help, and do not be afraid to engage in your community. To those who know someone in this chair, keep asking, be patient, and keep including them. They feel lost, they feel awkward, but they also have a desire to feel included and loved. 

Sitting in the widow chair has been quite the adventure. I never expected to have to sit in this seat in my mid 40’s, or really at any age. That being said, my Heavenly Father has been with me every step of the way.  He has infused me with hope for new things and is working in me to instill a new dream. Lately this seat has not felt as heavy yet it has caused me to grow. I have had to learn how to be comfortable in the uncomfortable…learning new things that Jason just knew. I have also been learning more about how to use the story God is writing to help others. This has been probably the most uncomfortable because it means I have to lean into being vulnerable. This is not easy for the “not emotional in public” me. I have had to learn how to slow down, to listen, to put away distractions and be present. I have had to learn how to be to others what I needed. Basically, I have had to shake off the old “secure and married” part of me to reveal the “secure and widowed” part of me. Do I do this well? Not often, but I know who I can lean on to help me…my Heavenly Father. 

There is one final chair I want to share with you. This is a chair that I sit in daily. This chair is always comfortable and welcoming. This chair provides just what I need the moment I settle in each day. This is the chair where I spend time with my Heavenly Father. The time I spend with Him gives me courage, strength, and peace to sit in the chairs I mentioned above. Sitting in this chair provides the ability  to sit in my current seat as a widow. It provides me the ability to tell others my story. God is still writing my story and just like the song by Big Daddy Weave and Katy Nichole says, “God is in this story. God is in the details. Even in the broken parts He holds my heart, He never fails. When I’m at my weakest I will trust in Jesus. Always in the highs and lows the One who goes before me. God is in this story.”

What kind of chair are you in at this time? What does that chair feel like and what do you need to feel more comfortable? Who do you need to sit with you? Because God is still writing my story, I know I can have hope that one day He will provide a different chair. The widow chair will not be my last!