Fathers and Daughters…there really is something special about this kind of a relationship. I see this relationship in a new perspective now than even a year ago.

Recently, I witnessed a father giving his daughter away to her future husband, dancing the father-daughter dance, and toasting the new couple. The presence of a father is something that my girl will miss on all the big milestones that come in her life. Thankfully he was there for so many firsts. From her first breath to her last day of high school. From her first steps to her first day driving. From her first dress to her last prom. He was there for it all. 

The best thing about being in an amazing and loving family and community is that it means my girl is blessed with some amazing father figures in her life that have already and will no doubt continue to show up and fill the empty spaces when needed. These father figures are a huge blessing, they are valued and they are honored. That being said, they will never be able to take the place, be the same as, or as special as her own father. My heart aches deeply for this loss because I know what it is like to lose your father, your daddy, your Prince Charming.

You see, I was blessed to grow up with a daddy that was amazing. He was all in and my sister and I knew it. There wasn’t one day that went by that we did not know that he loved and cared for us deeply. We were his princesses and we felt valued and honored. He was also intentional to demonstrate what a godly husband should look like in everyday life and in the home. He loved my mom, he served her and treated her like the queen of our “castle” on Peach St. 

Having this example led me to selecting a man that seemingly was the complete opposite of my father in all his likes, dislikes, personality and interests. However, in all the ways that mattered Jason was just like my dad. He loved me, he served me and treated me like the queen of our “castle” wherever that happened to be at the moment. More than that he loved our girl and she was his princess.

Now, from the moment we found out we were pregnant we thought we were having a boy. So imagine our surprise when we found out that we were expecting a girl. We were both nervous. We were first time parents and more than that what did we know about raising a child…let alone a girl! I mean really…me? The girl that would rather be in sweats and a hoodie than a dress? What if my daughter wants to wear makeup, dress up in all the pink sparkly things, and wear bows? What if she doesn’t want to play sports? How will I relate? How will I parent someone who could potentially be my opposite?

Well…spoiler alert! Not only did my girl come out loving bows, dresses that twirled, and all the pink sparkly things, but she loved putting on lipstick (thank you Gigi!) and makeup. What I love even more is that after trying all the sports, she finally found something that she loved and thrived in…cheerleading. We loved watching her cheer and compete! Jason was the best cheer dad. He went to all the competitions and even helped to lead the crowd in chants as our girls took to the mat. She also found that she loved music and was good at art…just like her daddy. They had long conversations about different genres of music as well as different painting, drawing, and sketching techniques, and the best mediums to use for various projects. They spent hours planning what project came next and then followed those epic planning sessions up by visiting local craft stores for all the materials and even spent time at a local museum viewing master artists and their works. However, some of my favorite memories have come from watching a father and a daughter bond over movies such as all the Avengers and Marvel movies, Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and so much more. She was his princess and there wasn’t a day that went by that he did not make her feel special.

So why is it that this relationship is so special? Well, our Heavenly Father fills the role of King so well. We know that He longs for a relationship with us. He wants to daily spend time with us and see us choose Him…choose eternal life. As we daily choose a relationship with Him he will love us and help us to see our value in Him. As we daily choose a relationship with Him, He will direct our path and we can honor Him with the choices we make. But wait, here is the best part, while He is our King, by seeking a daily relationship with Him, he takes the place as our Heavenly Father. He moves closer to us as we move closer to Him. He is not a vending machine or some unjust creator waiting to destroy this version of his prototype and create another. He is kind, He is patient, and He sees us as valuable and precious.

Imagine the way Jason looked at Abby based on the description above. Can you see it? I know I can. His crystal clear blue eyes sparkling with excitement and joy watching her do, talk, and experience all the things. Now, for a moment, think about how you look at your children (if you have them), your family, your friends, your pets, etc.

Now read the following scripture: 

“As bad as you are, you know how to give good things to your children. How much more, then, will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:11 GNT

So knowing this promise, how would you describe the way your Heavenly Father looks at you? Are you running to your Father when you need Him? Are you sitting with Him daily?

I want to challenge you to take time to sit with Him daily, spend time learning about how He sees you, and how great His love is for you. The more time you spend with Him, the more you will begin to reflect Him to those around you, and we could all use a little more of our Father’s love here on earth.

Finally, if you are a father I want to take this moment to say Happy Father’s Day. May you be blessed to spend time with those who love you and those that you love. May you be blessed with all the ties, coffee mugs, and gag gifts that you can enjoy! But more than all of this, may you know that your Heavenly Father longs to spend time with you, do you want to spend time with Him?

I am not even sure where to start with this blog post. The last couple of weeks have been weird, difficult, normal, and full of all the emotions.

In May we began facing all the ‘1 year since…’ category of milestones. School is ending, summer is beginning, and it is time to face what is coming. Recently, I had a surprise attack of grief. You know the kind…where you are good all day and then a sound, smell, song, or memory flashes in and surprises you. When this happens you can be good in a moment and then the next you find that you are crying and fighting your way back to being ok. 

These surprise attacks happened often in the early days but as we have gone throughout the last 11 months they have become fewer and farther between. Then came a Thursday in May. This particular Thursday started off great. I felt good and it was a good day. Then, as the day went on, stress built up at work, and I was being very hard on myself regarding a particular matter. Which for me is normal, as I do not like to let others down or “mess up”. I work hard to do a good job and leave everything better than I found it. 

So, I find myself in this surprise moment, trying to figure out what is happening and fighting back the tears. As I am trying to compose myself the 3:10 bell rings dismissing school. Cheering erupts in the hallway as it is the last day of school for those who do not have to take any finals the next week. Then I felt it, that surprise grief attack hit. This is that kind of surprise grief attack that I had been hoping to avoid all school year. You know the one where you are certain that ugly, uncontrollable crying is about to happen and you just want to be somewhere that people are not. 

I quickly went to my office to collect my things, packed everything up and promptly got in my car to go home. As I was driving home, I found that I could not hold it back any longer and allowed myself to cry. As I pulled into the garage a co-worker called. She never calls unless there is an “issue”or needs help with something. Because of this, I felt like I should answer even though I was deep in the middle of this moment. I was really trying to not sound like I was crying but it didn’t work. Turns out there was no big thing or need, she just felt like she needed to call me. Isn’t that like the Holy Spirit to talk to others about us in our time of need so they feel led to reach out and meet us where we are?

At this point, I could not stop all of the tears. They just kept coming in waves. I went inside and spent some time with Willa. I had about an hour at home before I was to meet 3 friends and carpool to a baseball game. Still, the tears wouldn’t stop. I tried and tried but they would not stop. So I touched up my makeup the best I could and off I went to meet up with my friends. 

Knowing the tears could start again at any moment I wanted to be very strategic about where I sat in the car so as not to draw attention to the potential tears that would randomly come on the drive. Throughout the drive one of my friends kept asking work related questions and as I answered she kept staring like she knew something was wrong. And she was right, but she never asked or pushed for an answer/explanation in the car. 

We arrived at our destination and the tears started again. She asked another question and when I went to answer she stopped me and ever so gently asked “What is wrong?”. I said, nothing, not wanting to dig deep knowing more tears would fall. She did not let that answer fly and pushed again for a real answer. Holding back more tears, I said “all the things”. She said…I know. Then my other friend asked me a question and when I turned to answer her, she said, “Are you ok?”. I said no…but I will be. She followed with, “What is wrong?” And I answered the same, “All the things”. You see these precious people have walked with me since May 19 last year. They have supported me, they have prayed over me, and have continued to pray for me as I have walked this journey. They have been my lifeline, my sounding board, my refuge, and my friends. They are a safe place for me to just be me. 

That surprise attack of grief roared in and took over, while I took time to feel and be in that grief moment I also wanted to fight to keep my joy. Why are we programmed to feel ashamed of showing emotion in public? Why is it awkward or even a sign of weakness if a strong, confident woman cries when she is overcome with emotions? These are some of the questions I have been wrestling with these last 11 months.

If you didn’t already know, I am a strong-willed, stubborn woman. I prefer to try doing things myself before asking for help. I am not emotional. I am not a diva or dramatic. I am competitive. Honestly, I am really competitive. I love rules and clarity of responsibilities and shy away from situations where ambiguity prevails. I prefer to do things right the first time and not do something bad or wrong. I always give my best effort because anything less would be weak. So, why do I shy away from tears? Why do I often shy away from fully sharing even on this platform? Because our world has taught us that vulnerability and emotions are a sign of weakness. That being said, when one has lost their person, their first love, their spouse, why shouldn’t we be allowed to show weakness and vulnerability? This is the journey I have been on the last 11 months. 

• I now know that I cannot do everything by myself. 
• I now know that being vulnerable is uncomfortable but it helps those around me to see how they can best help me. 
• I now know that showing emotions in public is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that I deeply miss the love that is waiting for me in eternity.
• I now know that to truly walk through grief that I have to be honest first with God, then myself before others. 
• I now know that Christian counseling is a must for those walking through deep loss.
• I now know that grief never truly goes away, but I can grow around it. With the help of God peace and comfort can flood the grief spaces.

So, how do we continue to grow in this area? For me, I am approaching it like learning a new language. When learning a new language, you want to make sure you understand the vocabulary words and how they are used in a sentence, but you also must practice the accent. At first, it will be awkward and clunky. After you practice in a safe space you can try using your new language in real life situations. The same can be said for showing emotions or vulnerability. You should practice showing emotions at home or another safe space; but you should also practice showing emotions out in public. This is where I am. I am practicing a little here and a little there. Practicing in real life situations and around safe people. Then as I feel comfortable I will practice around others that I do not know. This is how we grow!

My challenge to myself and to you is to get out in the wild. You know those spaces that seem daunting and scary, and be vulnerable. Show emotions because even Jesus showed emotions.

Often we have both Joy and Sorrow, Happiness and Grief, Courage and Fear, Laughter and Tears, Love and Hate, Appreciation and Regret, New Memories and Old Memories. There seems to always be an unspoken tension between both and.

See you can have both and of all the above and still be moving forward. When you experience one extreme, like joy, there is always the opposite extreme, like sorrow, that is present. One cannot exist without the other. You cannot say you are courageous without overcoming some sort of fear. You cannot experience deep joy without being familiar with great sorrow. You cannot walk through grief without moments of happiness and all the other emotions listed above. We also know that laughter and tears go together like peanut butter and jelly. So see…both and. 

Walking through what I have been for 11 months now I cannot imagine taking the daily steps and doing the hard work of processing without my anchor, my savior, my God. He has been the calm, steady, faithful Father leading and guiding me through all the moments and emotions. He has provided comfort in His word along with all of my amazing family, friends, and my incredible community. You cannot go through life without two things: God and People.

You see, He placed me in my family from the beginning, gave me close friends throughout my school years and placed me in this community ten years ago with this season in mind. My family and community has challenged me to grow spiritually and professionally. My family, friends, and community have challenged me to serve without expecting anything in return. Being surrounded by my family, friends, and community has been vital to my healing. My family, friends, and community have walked alongside me, loved me and ensured that even our most basic needs were met. Oh…and they even helped us move two times in the last year. 

Now, we have been created to live in this world and to walk through all the experiences that life throws our way, however, in order to live fully we must not live life alone. Jesus built a community when he recruited 12 unknown outsiders to walk with him and serve in his ministry. He not only needed their support and prayers, but he mentored them along the way. He knew that one day he would not be on earth to continue the ministry and they would need to duplicate what he had shown them. See, what a great example of why we should not do life alone. I know I say this a lot, but my family has been supportive of every decision and every move we have made from the beginning of our marriage, but mainly since last May 19. My friends have walked with me through what has been the toughest season of my life. They have poured life into me, they have supported me and challenged me to not settle for anything less than God’s best for me.

So, have you found your community? Do you have friends or family that can support you, challenge you and encourage you to grow in your walk with God? 

Proverbs 27:17 (TPT) says, “It takes a grinding wheel to sharpen a blade, and so one person sharpens the character of another.”

See, iron sharpens iron kind of friends. This is what we need more of in our world. So as you are walking through your grief journey, maybe your “both and” is figuring out how to do things on your own and yet staying connected to your family, friends, and community? I know I am working on that balance!

This September we would have celebrated 25 years married. That is a quarter of a century. Sometimes it still feels unreal that he is no longer by my side or with me in the everyday moments.

This year was going to be one filled with epic trips and making memories to last a lifetime. While WE aren’t taking those trips and WE aren’t making memories to last a lifetime, I am. I have chosen to live. I have chosen to trust that God still has good things for me. I have chosen to continue to travel. I have chosen to make new memories.

So this year, while I am not taking those epic trips we had planned, I have been and will continue to take the trips that my mind, body and soul needs. This year I will make memories that last a lifetime. Why? Because I have chosen to live. I have chosen to trust that God still has good things for me.

From the mountains to the beach and coast to coast. I will drive miles and miles for the experience, the adventure, and to make the memories. Some trips I will be alone, some will be with family and some will include my friends. Why? Because I have chosen to live. I have chosen to trust that God still has good things for me.

When you have shared more than half of your life with someone it is an odd adjustment when they are gone. I have said it before, but I will say it again, it feels like you are walking around as an incomplete person. It often feels like I have half of me missing, and it is because I do. Ephesians 5:31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” We dated for 4 years and we were “one” for about 24 years, so being 1/2 is definitely an odd feeling and takes time to adjust to this new way of life. Maybe you have experienced that in one way or another. It is definitely an odd feeling that is truly difficult to fully explain or put into words beyond what is above.

The half of a person feeling is lonely, it is isolating, and it is gut wrenching. But it doesn’t feel so big everyday. The days that I give this emptiness over to my Heavenly Father are the days that it is manageable. These are the days where I feel Him filling in all the voids and meeting me right where I am and right when I need Him the most. There will always be those moments where I wish Jason was here. That he would be available if I were to reach for the phone to text him, call him or hear him complain when I tagged him in a post. There will always be those moments where I wish Jason was here, standing or sitting next to me sharing in the moment as it unfolds in front of us. There will always be that longing for him to be with me in some way or another, but God.

HE is. That is it. There doesn’t need to be a long drawn out explanation…HE was, HE is and HE is to come. There is so much hope in those words. Those words drip with peace, comfort, and anything else that you need. HE is.

Lately, I have missed the little things. The looks, the smile, the quirky twirling of his facial hair where his mustache met his beard. The amazing thing…there have been moments where I have seen those little things in others around me. When I see them, I smile. I smile because I know that God sees the little seemingly insignificant things that I miss and He says, “Here…I see you today, in this moment and this is my gift to you”. How cool is that? To know that we serve a God who can heal the sick and raise the dead and yet the twirling of facial hair is right in that list too!

What is on your list? You know that list of things that you miss the most about your person? Have you slowed down enough to see those things in others around you during your day? Have you slowed down enough to hear your Heavenly Father tell you He loves you more than you could ever imagine or put into words? 

I want to challenge you to live your life and look for the moments where God is present and making provision for you even in the little ways. Doing this means that you slow down, you are intentional with your time, you are intentional with the people in your life, you most likely will need to put the phone, tablet, TV remote or whatever down and look into the eyes of the people around you. Engage in your life because you have so much to live for and God has good things planned for you!

Remember HE is.

DISCLAIMER:

So this is a different type of post. Recently, I have been having conversations that have led me to writing this post. Please enjoy and if you know me personally, I would love to have an in person conversation with you about any of this. If you do not, I am sure you have someone in your “circle of trust” that has walked through loss and grief that could converse with you or feel free to comment or message me privately.

Things this (and I think most) grievers want you to know:

• We are still the same person, but we also are not the same. Death, loss, and grief changes a person. It takes time to get back somewhat “to normal” but for us, life will never be like it was before. We have buried not only someone we love but also the dreams and plans we had with that person. We are different because we are learning how to not only navigate our world without them, but we are also learning how to dream again, and we are learning how to live again.

• Please talk to us. This may seem uncomfortable, but we just want to know that people can still feel comfortable engaging with us. We want to talk about all the normal things and if you are in the “circle of trust” we often want to share with you how we are REALLY doing. More than anything we want to just have conversations with those whom we interact with on a daily basis. So say hi, ask us about the weather, and when you feel comfortable ask us how we are doing in that moment or ask us about our person. Remember, you cannot say anything that will remind us of the loss because there isn’t a day or a moment that we do not think of them and wish they were still here with us.

• Please ask us about our person. If someone you know is walking through the death of a loved one please engage with them and ask them about their person. This helps them feel connected to their person. This helps them honor the life and memories of their person and gives comfort to them by being able to just say their name. 

• Please do not use the typical cliche phrases, such as, “God needed another angel” and other like this. God is in the business of life. He does not cause death. We experience death because this world is broken and we will continue to experience loss and death until it has been redeemed and restored.

• Don’t be weird. I am chuckling as I type this because I know each person is unique and made in the image of God. But often there are people that just do not know what to do or say. Maybe they even think that they will say the wrong thing. Please do us a favor, if you feel like this just start up a conversation about normal things…it will eventually become more comfortable and you will be able to talk about the more difficult topics. Just remember, say something don’t just awkwardly walk away. You could even say, “I do not know what to say or how to help. I might even say the wrong thing from time to time, but please know I love you and I am here to support you in anyway you need.” That is a great start!

• It’s okay to ask what they could use or need most, Picking up kids, buying groceries, someone to just sit with them, going out to dinner, a movie, or even the BANK(all the required stuff). You can’t fix it so don’t overcompensate. You can even go with them for the fun stuff too! I love going to get a manicure and pedicure with my cousin. It is something small, but it qualifies as self care and it is time with my cousin away from all the decisions and required stuff. Regardless of what you do, be specific in asking what they need. There are so many big decisions and changes that the open ended questions are the most difficult to answer.

• Go with someone ot Grief Share or a grief group of some kind. It can be overwhelming and downright scary to go to new places alone. If you have the space to go with a friend, please consider it. It helps to make them feel comfortable in a space that is anything but comfortable. 

• Invite them. Invite them to be a part of your activities – cookouts, bible study, book club, and dinner club. Those who are grieving feel as if their entire world has been turned upside down and in some cases the person they attended all events with is now missing. This only adds to feeling displaced and alone. So reach out and invite them! They need their community now more than ever.

• Hug them and love them. This is huge even for those who don’t typically like hugs. All people need physical contact and it is critical for their health both mentally and physically. So give the hugs and let them know you care and you are there when/if they need anything!

• Crying and emotions are normal. Ok, this one is tough and can be awkward. Crying is an emotion that can draw people in or cause them to run for the hills because of discomfort. It is normal for grieving people to cry. Some cry in public and some cry in private. Both are normal. If you encounter one in the wild or see one after a “moment” please do not make them feel uncomfortable by asking why they are still crying. Grief never really goes away, the griever grows around their grief. They grow stronger and more resilient. So get comfortable with the uncomfortable and if you are walking with someone through a grief journey, maybe always have tissue in case they need it unexpectedly.

• Call or text them when you think of them. There is probably a reason why that person is on your heart. The Holy Spirit knows when they are in need of a kind word, conversation or even just a “Hey, I’m praying for you today” text. These interactions go a long way in helping those who are grieving feel connected, feel seen, and feel loved. So, the next time you feel that nudge, don’t dismiss it. There is someone who needs to hear from you!

• Prayer! Don’t under estimate praying. It is powerful, and when you think of them, just pray for God to be with them and for the Holy Spirit to comfort them. When you are with a griever, pray with them if they have needs. This will help them feel seen and loved.

So, who are you going to engage in conversation with soon? Who are you inviting to that event or dinner? Who are you going hug and let cry in front of you? Who are you going to pray for this next week?

Another month has passed since my main man slipped the surly bonds of earth and began his eternity in heaven.

I hadn’t thought about it until the other day that ten months is generally the amount of time a woman is pregnant. Along with pregnancy comes the anticipation of giving birth, the growing of a new life, and new dreams. Instead of dreaming and planning new things with Jason, the last ten months I have spent mourning the loss of his life, mourning the death of our future dreams, mourning the loss of comfort, the discovery of a “new” normal and finding home again.

When faced with a loss you don’t typically think about or plan the month to month anniversaries because you’re focused solely on getting through each day. Then before you know it one month has passed by, then two and then six. Now ten months have gone by and I am feeling the labor pains of grief as we march closer to the 1 year anniversary.

The last couple of months came with more “firsts”. A big one that he is yet again missing out on…prom. Last year I was jokingly inviting him to prom with me. The chaperones had a fun set up with cabins and it would be like a mini staycation. All he had to do was spend an evening around teenagers (not ours) that spent the time jumping up and down, screaming and singing to all the songs until the body odor drove everyone from the room. I joked and told him about how we could dance the night away to make up for the pathetic “prom” we had in high school. Being the introvert that he was meant that he was not very excited about my proposal. He put up a fight every step of the way and yet when the time came he still agreed to show up and enjoyed being a chaperone with me and getting a glimpse into my daily world with the students and other staff in attendance.

This year, prom was different. I didn’t have to drag him along because now he always goes with me everywhere I go. He is right there and yet at the same time his place is empty. Sometimes I don’t know how to explain to people what this feels like and why I feel alone even though I know I’m not. Sometimes the grief space seems to overwhelm my space and sometimes it is barely recognizable. 

You know when you are a new parent and you are constantly wondering if the choices you are making will ruin your perfect baby? You sleep less, you eat in the quiet moments or sometimes not at all, you have all the questions and the uncertainty of what to do if xyz happens is all consuming. Grief is like that. You have this new feeling, it is all the feelings mixed up into one unexplainable emotion. Sleep can be deep and refreshing or non existent. Food is no longer enjoyable, it is tasteless and really becomes just sustaining life. You want to just stay in and protect that new baby? Yep, grief is like that too! The couch, the bed, your favorite recliner are all great options for trying to sleep and process the emotions and activity that is sure to swirl around you.

Here is what I can tell you from my experience. Just like when you have a new baby and all your friends set up a meal train or bring food, groceries or just come to sit with you to help you feel like a normal human, this should happen after loss as well. It did with me. My community was a beautiful example of showing the physical, tangible love of my Heavenly Father. The best part, they did not just show up for a few days, they continue to walk with me today. They have been a consistent source of support, encouragement and the few really close ones can tell when I am having a tough day and lean in even more to help.

My community has not been the only piece that has helped me walk through my grief and healing of my heart. I have been going to a local Christian counseling center. It is something from the onset of this adventure I knew was necessary after what I saw and experienced in the hospital as well as walking through the death and loss of my spouse. My counselor has been a lifeline. She has challenged me, she has asked all the hard questions and has even given a new perspective to many thoughts and feelings that have come throughout this journey. The best part, she always brings our conversation back to the Word and talks about what the Bible says about grief, provision, God’s goodness, faithfulness and hope. Even now, ten months out I still go and talk, laugh and process out all the feelings and thoughts. 

Finally, my faith in God has been the firm foundation that has helped me to stay grounded. It provided a place of peace in the midst of uncertainty. It provided a place of hope when all seemed hopeless. It provided a place where I could go and surrender all my fears, my dead dreams, the loss of my one true love on earth, and the deep hurt that lingered. I trusted that when I surrendered all the above and more to my Heavenly Father that His promises would not return void. 

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion – to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified. ~Isaiah 61:1-3

May I leave you with this encouragement today: No matter where you are in your grief journey you can find comfort first in your Heavenly Father. He is the ultimate source for all you need. Next, please find your community. You cannot go through this alone. The support they offer will be your lifeline. Finally, if you have not looked into counseling, please consider finding a Christian counselor today. Grief is not something you just “get over”. It is something that lingers and slithers into the most random of moments, days, weeks, and more if allowed to go unchecked. Processing grief and trauma is not something that can be “fixed” by applying some bandaid. Much like parenting it is something that takes a village. So who is in your village helping you?

Mother, Mommy, Mom. One word describing a woman that is essentially a superhero. 

• A mom sacrifices so much from the first time she hears the sound of the heartbeat.
• A mom can heal a scrape with a kiss, and can clean up after even the messiest of children without even blinking.
• A mom learns how to trust God in the big things and little things too.
• A mom is often the first up each day and the last to bed. She is tired and yet understands that the day may be long but the years are short.
• A mom knows that she may not be “doing it right” but doing her best is perfect.
• A mom loves all her kids the same but for different reasons. This is probably why when flustered she goes through all the names, including pet names, to get to the right one.
• A mom should be equal parts sweet, spicy, fun, and funny. She has to learn how to laugh at all the jokes…good and bad.
• A mom calls out the gifts and talents in her kids. She has prayed over each one and somehow knows what God has gifted each one to do, maybe even before they know.
• A mom studies the Word so she has the strength to walk through each day. She studies to make sure she has the wisdom and discernment to make household decisions each day. She studies to make sure she has the tenacity to balance working and managing a home. She studies to learn more about herself and what God is calling her to do as a wife, a mom, and most importantly a daughter of the King.

Proverbs 31:10-31

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle. She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet. She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant. Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.

On this Mother’s Day weekend make sure your mom, or any mother in your life knows she is doing a good job, that she is loved and valued. The last few years have been tough. They have been long and for some have been filled with loss and grief. There may be some moms you know that are trying their best to hold it all together. They are taking care of their kids and cannot find the space to grieve and care for themselves. Some moms may be trying to launch adult children and caring for aging parents and also cannot find the space to grieve and care for themselves. Maybe, some moms that cannot grieve or care for themselves are the aging parents. Regardless of the situation, take time to reach out, to show love, to offer help in some way that would bless them, or just make time for a conversation. All moms, no matter their age or stage in life just want to feel needed, appreciated, loved and honored. 

So, to all my momma friends walking through grief, go easy on yourself. You are doing a great job even if you just keep getting out of bed. The days are long, but our God is with you and will sustain you as you walk through your grief. I pray that you feel blessed, loved and honored this weekend and that you have some space to get quiet, grieve your loss, and give it over to our Heavenly Father. Happy Mother’s Day!

Travel, there truly is nothing like getting out and away from your normal. It can be refreshing, relaxing, exhilarating, challenging, and even stressful. For me, travel is a big up arrow. Planes, trains, automobiles take me away to lands awaiting exploration and discovery. What roadside oddities can be found along the way and what exciting adventures await at the final destination? Only time will tell. 

Because of my planner, type A personality you would think that the joy is in the planning and executing of said plan. However, I have recently walked through a small group at my church that helped me to identify “drivers” or areas that, when I am functioning in them, energize and excite me. What words do I find at the top of the list? Adventure and travel. I am not sure these words accurately describe how I feel even now as I type this from row 9 seat D in the air somewhere over the southwestern United States of America. 

It seems that my pattern has been to get out of town at least once each month…even if it’s a short drive across the Red River to visit family. Each time I leave I dearly miss those I leave behind especially Abby and Willa Dean. But doesn’t missing those who stay behind make it that much sweeter to come home? More than anything when I am on the road, in the air or just chilling at a hotel or resort words spill out into my computer. It seems that by removing the comforts of home and the distractions that await me daily I can clearly hear what my Heavenly Father has to say. He uses my drivers of adventure and travel to speak to me, to encourage me, to refresh me and to affirm in me what He is calling me to do. 

This adventure took me to the Los Angeles, California area. Here I met up with an amazing team of educators and administrators to work with a school and validate their accreditation, which is basically confirming all that they are doing in their Christian school. The administrators, teachers, staff and parents are precious people working together to educate both the spirit and mind of the equally precious students. They are making a difference in their corner of the Los Angeles area. I love being able to participate in travel like this. As someone in Christian education it is important to encourage others and share the information that you have learned in hopes that it spurs others on to greatness. Isn’t that what discipleship is all about? 

I really enjoy this type of travel because it is always evident that even though human beings are in charge of organizing and orchestrating the team that will meet and work together it is ALWAYS God ordained. With every trip I have taken like this one the right people are always assembled and we are always able to encourage and challenge our host school and often the team members leave encouraged and challenged in our educational practices, personally and spiritually. This trip came with a bonus encounter. On our final morning we took an Uber and met a driver that was hilarious and in need of encouragement and affirmation. Through our conversations in the short time we were with her we learned about how she is working to not only change her life but make an impact on every person who takes a ride in her car. This encounter ended with all of us praying over her and she blessed us with a prayer in the parking lot at the school. We may never see her again, but we know that we were meant to ride in her car that day, listen to her story, and pray with her. God was truly in every detail of this trip.

My all time favorite travel is when I can bolt out of town with Abby or a good friend. You know those kinds of trips where you can take the long way and still feel like you are making the best time? Where you get lost in a beautiful combination of your favorite road trip playlist and an endless sea of conversations about a variety of topics that all intertwine. As I type this I feel that excitement for the next road trip and I haven’t even landed at my connecting location to arrive home yet. This type of travel is good for the soul…well at least it is good for mine. 

Abby and I were able to take a trip to Disney before Christmas and we even were able to take my bonus daughter. It was a girls only trip and we had a wonderful adventure driving across the southeastern United States of America. I love the drive between my home state and Florida. I love how the landscape changes along the way. The trees change from oaks, redbuds, and mid-west pine trees to taller southern pines, magnolias, and those beautiful trees with the Spanish moss and wide roots buried in the swampy land of the south. I love exploring the random stops for a restroom break that end in ordering a lobster po-boy in a gas station- restaurant with LSU tiled flooring. (This would be where I insert my BOOMER SOONER while standing on said logo) Playing the alphabet game using billboards and mileage signs only to be stuck on Q for close to 60 miles in rural areas. Stopping randomly to explore the Infinity Space Center in Mississippi and of course I cannot forget my favorite road sign that pops up in eastern Mississippi, it’s a bear crossing sign! I do not know why I love this sign, but I intentionally look for it every trip. 

All this to say that I fully believe that you should get away from home and experience all that our world has to offer. Whether that is a trip to the mountains, the beach, a cruise, a campsite or somewhere in-between. Be intentional to step away from your normal routine and connect with yourself, your family, your friends, or coworkers. Then while you are away, put your phone down. Stop scrolling and enjoy the company of the people or the environment of the spaces that you are visiting. What can you see? What can you learn about yourself? What can you learn about others? 

So where will you travel to next? I would love to hear about your upcoming plans or a fun story from a recent adventure! 

Father, Dad, Daddy, Papa, Pops, and so many more. To a little girl her daddy is her first love, her Prince Charming, and her protector. My view of my daddy is no different. 

My dad was the youngest of three boys. He and his brothers were the sons of a collegiate athlete which meant they grew up learning how to be competitive and played a variety of sports. Between those three boys they had 8 girls and the youngest grandchild was a boy. Nonetheless, the girls and the boy played sports and grew up learning how to be competitive from their dads. 

Growing up my dad coached my soccer team, plus he was always there to help with my softball team as well as my sister and I’s basketball teams. There wasn’t a game or a tournament that he wasn’t there cheering for us, keeping stats, the scorebook, and even yelling at the refs. He challenged us at home to practice and work at improving our jumpshot and free throws. In fact, when we missed a free throw in a game we had to pay him money because in the words of Chip, “Free throws win games”.

My mom and dad loved taking us on road trips and various adventures. I know there are a plethora of photos and VHS tapes that hold memories of our family adventures and even an epic fail that involved white shorts, an iron, and a plastic tablecloth at a campground in Canada. I feel like my love for travel and adventure was born from great road trip memories as a kid. The best memory was probably the infamous “Chip shortcut”. On any road trip or just drive to dinner my dad would say, “let’s take a shortcut” and we of course would roll our eyes because it always meant the drive would take longer. But looking back, that was part of the adventure and can I say I miss the “shortcuts”.

So why am I writing about my daddy? Well, 15 years ago today he stepped into heaven and accepted a full and complete healing. 

In 2006, he had been dealing with crippling back pain and not seeing any relief. Then one day something showed up on an x-ray that had not been seen before. Then tests and more tests and finally around Thanksgiving a diagnosis of cancer. By this time it had already spread and treatment was an uphill battle from the beginning. But like the strong, stubborn man he was he faced the challenge of chemo and radiation. These treatments are not for the faint of heart, and walking alongside someone in these treatments is also challenging and exhausting. This was no exception for my mom, my aunt, my sister and her family as well as Jason, Abby and I.

From the beginning we stood and fought with scripture and healing confessions. We aligned our prayers with what my dad was speaking over himself, “I will live and not die and declare the works of the Lord”. We crafted scripture bookmarks to help us confess life, strength, healing and faith daily. As the reports came in we continued to stand strong and support my dad on his journey. Now this is where I would say as the oldest child I felt a strong urge to protect, to defend, to prepare for what was coming, and yet I felt compelled to stand in faith. How do you balance faith for healing and preparing for what you can see coming?

The treatments progressed, medicine was changed, increased and decreased but nothing seemed to be attacking the cancer. There were various trips to the hospital for a variety of issues, if you have ever walked through a cancer battle with someone you understand. Each time there was prayer, discussions, prayer, and decisions. My mom had a “go bag” with everything she would need to answer any possible question from the doctor including all the medications, treatments, amounts, when it was last administered, and any side effects. She was a walking encyclopedia of medical knowledge. My aunt was a huge help. She was living with my parents at the time and she cleaned, helped care for my dad and supported my mom in any way that she could. 

Then Easter Sunday. This day was both good and hard. For the first time in a while my dad was up and moving about, he had on sweats, and a long sleeve t-shirt (probably a Big Dog shirt) and a navy sweater vest. He had portable oxygen, but that did not stop him from watching his kids and his grandkids hunt easter eggs and play outside. The day was cold and gray. We ate an early dinner and after dinner the Hannah Montana wig and microphone made an appearance and between Abby and her cousin Jack they put on quite the show for a 5 and almost 2 year old. It was the best Hannah Montana concert I have ever been to!  

The following Sunday my mom called to say that my dad had been admitted to the hospital. So my sister and I went and spent some time there. It was like the other times and did not seem any more serious. On Monday, I was able to slip away from work for a few hours to sit with my dad. I do not regret one moment from this day and will always hold those moments close. The next day my sister called…I was needed at the hospital. I arrived and we were immediately pulled into that conversation you never want to be a part of…you know the one where you talk about your preferences and end of life care. It’s one of those conversations where you hear the doctor begin talking and then all of a sudden your mind is racing and all you hear is a voice that sounds like Charlie Brown’s mom on the other end of the phone, “blah, blah, blah…”. Then you snap back in time for the doctors to ask, “any questions”? 

That night I curled up in the chair beside his bed and just sat with him, talked to him,  and prayed for him. It was quiet, it was dark, and it was peaceful. My mom and sister came back in the early morning hours and I moved to the waiting room to get a little sleep knowing it would be a long day. 

4.25.07, felt like a revolving door of visitors. By mid-morning the waiting room was full of people that wanted a few moments to say goodbye to a man who meant the world to them. One by one they moved from the waiting room to the ICU room and back again to wait with my sister, her husband, Jason and I. Then at the very end of the day the final visitor came through, he had been trying all day to get back into town to see my dad. My mom, my sister, her husband, Jason and I returned to the room. Our pastor and his wife were there along with my dad’s doctor. The room was quiet. It was peaceful. He chose life, healing, and the presence of his Heavenly Father where there was no more pain and suffering. We cried, we sang and we just sat in the moment. That moment changed me and I did not fully grasp how much until recently. 

That moment when your dad, your coach, one of your biggest cheerleaders steps out of this physical world is one where you feel that emptiness and loss deeply. He never saw Abby graduate PreK, Kindergarten, high school, go to prom or even on a date (sidenote: he would have loved giving that boy a hard time!). He never met 3 of his grandchildren, but one is named after him. He has missed 15 years of moments and memories and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could talk with him or ask his advice on various issues. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could watch a game with him again or watch him use his Hasty Bake grill wearing that silly apron and chef hat or just hear him laugh. He had the best laugh. 

He is greatly missed and has left an amazing legacy that is carried on in the lives of his surviving wife, his children and their spouses, and most importantly his grandchildren. His love of sports, jokes, funny cards, road trips, adventures and shortcuts has been passed on to the next generation. More important than all of these is his love for God. His favorite songs were Amazing Grace and In Christ Alone. He knew that he had been that wretch from the song. He also knew that he had been graciously saved, completely redeemed and he loved taking any opportunity to share his story of how he experienced the real Jesus. 

Ask me about my daddy. Ask me about my Jason. I promise to ask about your person. Talking about your person honors their life and their legacy. Do not shy away from saying their name and recalling funny, sad, or crazy stories. Doing this helps others get to know you and helps you feel closer to your person, even for a moment.

Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Three meals a day means that you have the opportunity to sit across from someone, look them in the eye, converse about important things or nothing at all, and just spend time with them.

Lately, I have found myself missing these meals the most. I miss the person who should be sitting across from me. I miss the way his topaz blue eyes sparkled as we talked. I miss the conversations about big important things, about silly things and all the conversation topics in between. More than anything I miss the time we spent together. I was used to him being at home. He worked from home since March of 2020, so it was normal for him to be home when I left and when I returned at the end of the day. I took that for granted, I miss that, and most days I wish that when I came home he would be sitting in his chair working or playing PS4.

This longing for a dinner guest did not stop me from doing a “first”. I went to a restaurant and sat at a booth by myself and had a meal. Now, I have sat in the comfort of my home and had meals alone since July, but this is different. This “going out to eat” ritual is sacred. It meant a date night, time alone to talk and dream, it meant face to face uninterrupted moments with the phones put away and on do not disturb. Taking this step for me was one that I have put off for almost 10 months and I know ladies who have been much braver than I when it comes to this step. 

Being the type A planner that I am, I was very intentional about where I would go for this “first”. There is a local Mexican restaurant that I have been going to with my family since I was probably 5 and it was also a date night favorite for Jason and I. I even worked there for a while and we know the owner and several waitstaff. It is a place that I am comfortable being in alone. I knew this would be an easier first if I chose a familiar place where I felt comfortable reading or scrolling while I ate. So, I ordered and began my new ritual. It wasn’t so bad. In fact, it was kind of fun listening in on conversations around me and people watching from the table where I was sitting. Best thing…I survived and enjoyed a meal at my favorite place!

Grief can be a funny thing. It often makes me think about things differently. It causes me to pause and take in moments that I will want to remember or enjoy moments that might only be precious to me. It honestly has made me reflect on my life and I often wonder how many moments I have missed because I was eyes down or not truly looking to see those around me. 

Grief can surprise you. Sometimes I have found that when I least expect it, grief comes in like a wrecking ball and retreats both quickly and slowly all at the same time. If you have ever grieved the loss of someone you loved dearly you know this feeling all too well. It can be brought on by a smell, a sound, a song, or some other memory. While it hits quick and deep, it can leave quickly like a retreating wave, or linger for a while like the rising tide. 

In the early days of grieving it seemed like it was always high tide. Like I was struggling to stay above the water. In true form I of course was wading like a champ…at least above the surface. As the days progressed, I found it increasingly difficult to continue without any assistance. I reached out for a life line and held tight when there was one in sight. Once pulled to a safe place, I was able to rest, refocus, reset, and recognize my need for help.     

Still today, almost 10 months into this journey I find it difficult to ask for help. The whole, “I can do it by myself” mantra is great…until it isn’t. I am realizing that my knowledge and my searching abilities can only take me so far. At some point I must face the challenge of asking for help, even if it seems small and insignificant.                                                                                                      

Asking for help has never been easy. I have always been the “I can do it myself” type of person. However, through this journey the Lord has really been peeling back those layers to reveal someone who not only must be completely dependent on God, but also willing to ask for help. You see, if you have followed my journey here you know that my community has meant everything to me. My community (family, friends, coworkers, pastors, etc.)has supported me, loved me, encouraged me, prayed for and with me, and has been available for help when asked. But that last phrase is the key…I have to ask. 

Asking means revealing that I am vulnerable. Asking means that I do not know how to do everything nor do I have the ability to do everything. Both of these are not only ok, but perfectly normal to walk through as a widow. Recently I had a need, now the typical me would keep that need to myself and work through it most likely to the detriment of my sleep schedule or some other self care routine. Instead of holding tight to the need, I reached out to a few close people for agreement in prayer. Not only did my people step up and pray, but the answer arrived quickly and without any disruption to my routine. Doing this was difficult. It meant I had to be vulnerable. It meant I had to let others see me not as the strong one, but as one who needed support. On this side of asking for help I now know that taking the first step was the most difficult, so next time it will be easier and each time after that as well. I am learning a new habit and it is a process. 

So take the time to step out, be willing to ask for help with your community as long as they are trusted and point you to Jesus. Then doing this will help you feel more confident in the unknown moments and will set you up for success when you are ready for taking the step of eating a meal alone in a restaurant or some other “first”. 

Finally, if you are a widow and you are considering eating alone, please choose a place that is comfortable for you and start there. Then as you are comfortable, try other places, take small first steps and do not…under any circumstances…do not cave to fear. Fear will try to stop you. Fear will try to prevent you from moving forward in faith. But courage, faith and hope will sustain you as you walk forward through your grief journey.