2023 has yet again been filled with many adventures. There have been many miles driven and even more flown. There have been photos taken, passport stamps added and tales of epic travels relayed. I was even blessed to have the opportunity to meet some pretty amazing people along the way as well! 

This year has been filled with seeing and feeling hope for the future. This year has been filled with finding my purpose, defining my vision and mission. Most importantly this year has been filled with leaning into what my Heavenly Father is saying to me and wants most for me. It has especially been filled with taking time to work on continuing to build my relationship with my Heavenly Father. What has this year brought you?

Looking ahead to 2024 I am reminded that it is yet again another calendar year where there will not be any new memories made with Jason, however, I am not as hesitant to walk into this fresh calendar as I have been in the past. 2023 brought some significant growth for me personally and I am actually looking forward to the new year with a confident expectation that my Heavenly Father has nothing but good things planned for me this year. I know of some planned travel, but I am most looking forward to the “interruptions” that happen. You know the moments I am referring to…they seem to be those unplanned surprises perfectly planned by God. When those happen, I want to be living life at such a pace that I am able to slow down, breathe and welcome whatever it is that God has planned at that moment. 

I want 2024 to be a year that I am intentional about eliminating the “hurry”. For so long I have been driven. I have, until recently, defined my “worth” (especially professionally) by how much I can get accomplished while often forgetting about what is really important. As I have been reflecting on this, I wonder what moments have I missed? Who have I not seen that needed someone to notice them? What words did someone need to hear from me that I was too rushed to share? What photos did I not take, or was I not a part of that I should have? So my word, phrase or maybe the best way to put it is that my goal for 2024 is to push pause on the hurried side of life. Life can be full even when my calendar is not. If you are reading this and you know me, you know this will be a stretch. It will challenge me daily. Will I always get it right? No. But, it is time to make space to sit and just be. It is time to make space for sitting with a friend, a loved one, a book or maybe even a puzzle. Or maybe, it is time to be still and listen to what my Heavenly Father wants to share with me.  

What have you learned throughout this year? What are your goals for 2024?

What is the “Christmas spirit”? Why does it seem everyone is supposed to have it? 

Now, I know what you are thinking…she must be the grinch in her family, and honestly the last couple of years you would probably be right. But this year feels different. This year I am actually excited for Christmas. This year has been easier to get excited to pick out gifts for the precious people in my life and I’m looking forward to wrapping said gifts and adding all the personal touches that make them unique and special. 

But why? Why is this year any different? Honestly I’m not sure. There isn’t some magic switch that flips on and off things like this. What I do know is the last two holiday seasons have been tough. During the last two years I have been trying to find my footing and learn how to celebrate after the loss of Jason. If I’m being transparent, the empty seat will always be evident especially during the holidays, I am sure this is the same for you regardless of who you are missing and grieving. Jason loved Christmas. He loved all the decorations, the lights, the food and of course all the celebrations.  Since he has been gone, the last couple of years have not felt right without him. The empty space has been overwhelming and it was painful to decorate and celebrate. Somehow we pushed through and did some new things and started different traditions. But, something has been different all throughout this year.  In 2023, I have learned more about who I am and what I want in my life. I have learned that God still has a purpose and a plan for my life. I have been reminded through even the tough days that He is good even when life isn’t and He is always faithful! I have also learned the value of remembering, honoring, and keeping Jason’s legacy at the forefront of discussions with my daughter and the people that loved him the most. Yet, I have also found a renewed value in continuing to live in the moment and making new memories every moment they have been presented to me. I have come to realize that living life, like truly living life, is what he would want for myself and Abby. So…I have been doing my best to seize every moment of every day. 

What are our plans this year? We will be with family…like all the family. We will celebrate. We will give the gifts and eat the food. Most importantly we will remember Jason in our conversations and in the celebrations because we carry a part of him everywhere we go. We will continue to honor and remember and yet move forward and experience all the new things as well. We will make new memories, we will meet new people and we will experience new things because moving forward is necessary. Getting stuck is not an option. 

When I think about moving forward I am reminded of Psalm 23. If you read the verses you will notice that the author uses words like leads, walk, and follow. Those words do not not evoke getting stuck or staying put. It starts with talking about the Lord making us lie down in green pastures, yet it is immediately followed by action steps. This chapter has been such a comfort to me through my grief journey. I feel like I share it with you all often, yet each time I read it I feel like my Heavenly Father shows me something new, a new perspective or even just the same thing but in a new season can mean something entirely different. So, please take a moment, or even a few moments and read through the passage. 

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” Psalm 23:1-6 ESV

What is your Heavenly Father showing you as you read through that passage? What do you hear Him saying to you? What does that word “restores” mean to you in this season? For me, the word “restores” means that my joy during this season has come alive again, or maybe you can call it the “Christmas Spirit”. It also means that throughout this year my hope has grown. The restoration process isn’t fast and sometimes I wonder if it is ever complete on this side of Heaven. But regardless of that fact I can say that while this life still isn’t perfect, nor does it look anything like 40 something year old Sam thought it would look like it is a very good life. My Heavenly Father is good. He is faithful. He restores. He leads me and I look forward with confident expectation for what He has planned for 2024 and beyond. The best is truly yet to come! 

Happy 2nd Birthday to the Reveal the Wonders Blog! 

This space began as a place to express an honest look at one 40 something year old woman’s experience with grief and widowhood. I have realized that it has continued with this theme all while expressing everything my Heavenly Father is asking me to share along with some of my most memorable adventures, some of my most precious memories and quite frankly some very random thoughts sprinkled in for good measure! I hope you have enjoyed reading all that has been posted. While the frequency has changed, my journey is still moving forward. I continue to experience “firsts” even though I am beginning to walk through all the “thirds”. 

If I have learned anything over this last year is that adventure is just around the corner if you are brave enough to take that step and make the turn! This year in my life, as I have shared here on the blog, I have made some very big life changes. I have started a new job and made a move to a smaller home, become an empty nester and I even had the opportunity to go and serve alongside 20 other wonderful people in the country of Moldova. So, in honor of the blog turning 2 and the beautiful people who gave to help me serve the widows and others in need in Moldova I want to share a little about my experiences! Please keep reading and begin praying to see if you need to take a step by serving outside your community (domestic or international). If you are interested in knowing more about the long stories from my trip to Moldova, please do not hesitate to ask!

So this past summer I hopped on a plane and traveled halfway around the globe to Chișinău, Moldova. Myself and the team I was traveling with went to work with a ministry and church that has been working in the area for a while. They have established relationships and are building a beautiful community of believers half a world away. Saying yes to this trip was an easy “yes” at the beginning of this year.  Life was basic and everything was status quo. No big life changes were planned and all appeared to be smooth sailing. Well we all know me too well for that to be the case by the time the trip came around. Sure enough I made a huge job change at the end of May. New people, new responsibilities and adjusting to a new environment was big. I had been at my school for 11 years and in education for about 25 years so to completely walk away from education was a huge transition. Yet this transition has been straightforward and easy; almost like putting on your most comfortable pair of shoes. The next change was not something I was sure I was ready for as a mom, but it’s here nonetheless. My daughter has moved into her own place. My baby bird has left the nest, but like the sweet  momma bird that I am, it all started with a nudge. So ready or not we have both launched out on our own for the first time ever! Yes, this means I moved again, but it also means I am officially an empty nester at age 47. I didn’t expect this nor was it supposed to look the way it does, but God has us and is blessing our steps as we take them! Before you ask, I plan on staying put for a while, so to the beautiful people who have put in the sweat equity to help move me this time or one of the other three times know you have earned a well deserved break! 

Next thing I know it’s time for this trip. I’m torn. Do I go? Do I stay and help my baby girl move and get settled. She told me, “Mom, I got this.” Well shoot. My momma’s heart was happy, sad and so many other emotions. As moms we always pray we are able to raise children who know their identity and are bold enough to follow the steps their Heavenly Father is asking them to take but those aren’t the stories we typically hear. We usually hear about the ones who fail to launch. I mean there is even a movie about it! 😂 So I stay with the plan and go on the trip and man am I glad I did. I am still unpacking all that happened but I know one thing, I was supposed to be on this trip. Stepping out of your comfort zone is never easy. In fact most of the time it is downright terrifying. You would think that by now I would be used to doing things that stretch me but it is still not normal and I don’t think it ever will be. Add in the other changes swirling about and it took a day or two to fully get my bearings and settle into what we were doing in Moldova. I had my “why” for the trip. I knew the audience I would be ministering to and more than that I knew some people on the trip. What I didn’t know is how much I would connect with my precious roommate, the team we traveled with and worked with in the country and the beautiful orphans, widows, and people in Moldova that I would have the opportunity to meet. I truly left a piece of my heart in that beautiful country. 

There were big prayers prayed for healing, for restoration and for reunification. There were prayers for comfort and peace after devastating loss. There were conversations and connections made over shared loss even through the help of a translator. More than anything I learned that despite culture, language, age and stage, widows have something in common…they just want to talk with another widow. There is a mutual understanding that the other person truly gets it on a level that others do not. Because of this I was blessed to meet a beautiful woman named Larissa. She has been a widow longer than me, but we had a great conversation about leaning on our church and community when we need spiritual and practical help but ultimately God is our source for comfort and strength. We talked about prayer, scripture and worship. I had a translator to help me communicate but the conversation felt seamless and flowed like we had known each other for a while. While Larissa may never read this when we parted ways we hugged and agreed to pray for each other until we meet again! I am praying for you right now, Larissa!

There were several opportunities like this one and I haven’t even begun to unpack all that visiting the orphanage meant to me. All I can say at this point is that I’m grateful that God granted me the ability to see these precious young people like He does. They are important to Him. He has called them and has given them a purpose and a name. I know He moved in the hearts of the workers as well as the children that day. I can say I had a difficult time holding back the tears and honestly as I’m writing this they are flowing again just remembering their beautiful faces…especially the one that picked me that day. Her little pink ruffled skirt and t-shirt complimented her brunette braids and beautiful brown eyes. Her smile lit up the room and I could tell she, like me, was stubborn, sassy and sweet. All qualities she will need to survive and thrive in the environment she is growing up in currently. 

We also had the opportunity to visit areas of downtown Chișinău, Moldova and learn about the history and culture that makes it unique and special. We had lunch at a quaint restaurant downtown before going for a drive out to a monastery that held rich spiritual history. This monastery had been around a while and was built atop a mountain/canyon. Below the ridge and under the monastery there are cave entrances dotting the walls of the canyon. These caves have been around for quite some time and were used as places where early Christian’s would hide and seek refuge from those who were persecuting them. They used the caves as underground churches and places to safely copy scriptures. These were and continue to be  holy places and spaces. We had the opportunity to go into one of these caves where there is still an underground church and the monk we met has lived in that space for over 40 years tending to the cave, the church, accepting visitors and protecting the history in that place. It was a very sacred time as we gathered in the prayer rooms carved out of the cave and learned more about the space we occupied. We ended with covering that space and the monk in prayer and sang Amazing Grace. The moment was holy and we sat quietly in reverence.

The end of the week we spent ministering to people in Bălți and Chișinău. We did a multitude of outreach activities. We had an area for the kids where we played games, did facepainting and temporary tattoos, dance parties, Bible lessons and snacks! It was so fun to watch the kids relax and have fun. While the kids were living it up the moms were inside the church enjoying a time of worship and a message of faith, hope and love as well as a time of prayer. It was inspiring to hear their stories and have an opportunity to pray with them for healing and restoration in their bodies and in their families! Finally after the message and prayer time concluded we handed out food and toiletries and a Bible. You see these families were people in need, for many reasons but the main one is being a refugee from Ukraine. 

Overall this trip was something I needed. I needed to step away from my daily life, to be challenged to see people like God sees them. I needed to step out of my new found comfort zone and be challenged to be vulnerable and real in telling my story. I needed to be in an unfamiliar place and have the opportunity to get to know the people on my team, my roommate and the people we worked with in Moldova. It was an experience that I will never forget.

Recently, I applied and have been approved to be part of a team to travel back to Moldova and work specifically with widows and orphans. I am looking with hope and preparing with prayer for all that 2024 has in store for me, my daughter and those that I hold dear! So, if you have an opportunity to go on a mission trip…do it, the experiences and the people are so worth the time and investment. 

Thank you for reading this post along with others over the last 2 years. I am quite sure the adventures are just starting and 2024 looks to be full of a whole new set of experiences. Stick around…the fun is just beginning!

Please take a moment to slowly read the scripture above. 

What a beautiful picture of how our Heavenly Father sees us. Not only is He our protector, provider, but He also sings over us with loud singing! Close your eyes and picture that for a moment: God singing over you loudly. When I imagine this I see the most pure and joy filled car scream sing session. You know the kind…it happens on those most perfect weather days where the windows are down and the sunroof is open and you have the open road ahead of you. I hope you were able to imagine what your Heavenly Father singing loudly over you would look like and maybe even feel like. 

I have often found that gratitude and true joy were things that evaded me in the early days of grief. Those early days were filled with so much grief brain and brain fog, extreme exhaustion from doing absolutely nothing, and just an overall feeling of being completely displaced. It was as if I went to sleep in a familiar and comfortable world and woke up in an absolute living hell. Reading this scripture reminded me of just how far He has helped me come in the last two and a half years. The grief brain and brain fog has lifted and I am able to think and process clearly. The extreme exhaustion was eventually replaced by rest, although sometimes a proper night of sleep is something that can evade me. Finally, that feeling of being completely displaced has been replaced by a sense of belonging. This sense of belonging has allowed me to get a glimpse of how my Heavenly Father sees me and I think for the first time truly understand the importance of knowing this information! Here is what I have learned: I am His daughter. I am a widow. I am chosen. I am called and equipped. I am strong because of Him. I have a purpose and He has placed me where I am today because of that purpose and calling! All of these truths do not dismiss or replace my grief, yet there is a beautiful tension between the grief and true gratitude and joy that exists in my daily life.

Grief and loss are heavy. They have a far reaching impact in your life that only those who have walked the road truly understand. For those who have lost a spouse it seems that the road is more challenging to navigate because our partner, our love and our person is not with us helping us navigate the journey that is unfolding before us. In my experience, Jason and I met and started dating in high school and then got married young. We grew up together. We navigated so many firsts and challenges together and during quarantine we had the time to finally sit and plan what we wanted the rest of our lives to look like as young empty nesters. Then, to use the words of another widow, the road exploded in front of me. What was once looking like a fun adventure ahead now looked like a future that was scary and completely unattainable on my own. But I was wrong. God was there in the midst of the debris. He walked with me and this is when Psalm 23 became real.

This is where Zephaniah 3:17 comes in…He was in my midst. He never left my side. He provided peace and comfort as I walked through the days I never expected to walk through as a 44 year old woman. He will save me. He did. On so many occasions He saved me, not only by making His presence known, but by sending people to be in my life that leaned in and made sure I kept putting one foot in front of the other. He rejoiced over me with gladness. He is the source of true joy, you know that deep joy that doesn’t just quickly fade away but the kind that sticks. He is the reason I can laugh. He is the reason I can be adventurous, He is the reason I can do all the things I never thought possible. He is the reason I smile. He will quiet me with His love. How beautiful is this picture, especially at this time of year. I imagine the most comfortable chair that I can sit in, drink coffee and just be quiet before Him. In doing this I feel His love. I can listen and hear all the things He wants to speak over me and take them to heart because I am quieted by His love. It is in this that I remember that He loves me no matter what I do. I cannot earn His love and He can never love me more or less than He already does because He is love. Finally, He will exalt over me with loud singing. He has so much He wants to say to me and say over me that He speaks and He sings. I am not sure I know how to express just what this means to me. But it brings me joy and makes me so thankful that I have my Heavenly Father with me on this journey into widowhood and a life beyond loss. 

Dear friend, this month is all about gratitude. I want to challenge you to find moments where you can express gratitude. It might be difficult at first and it may seem trivial, but start with being thankful for the food you have to eat or the coffee you drink. Be thankful for the roof over your head and the people (or pets)  under that roof. As you practice gratitude, I pray that you will find it easier to be grateful for bigger and more meaningful things. I pray that you will also be able to find God winks throughout your day that you can be grateful for as well. In time, you will find that your attitude will shift and you will have an easier time thinking about what it would look like and feel like to truly understand what it means to have your Heavenly Father singing over you.

As we go through this month of giving thanks and even throughout the rest of this holiday season I want to challenge you (and myself as well) to focus on two things: first, what you are grateful for and second, what has your Heavenly Father done in your life (recent or in the past). As you focus on these two things, I would also challenge you to write these things down so when you find yourself struggling to be grateful for something you can look back at all He has done in your life and it will help you shift your focus! Happy season of giving thanks everyone!

Have you ever traveled to a place you have been to before and upon arriving were overwhelmed by emotion? Recently I traveled to a place that I have been to a couple of times before and when I drove into town I felt this sense of overwhelming emotion that it actually brought tears to my eyes. I am not yet sure why, but I have some working theories that I will share with you today. 

First theory: The emotional connection. So the place holds an emotional connection as the first time I visited was on the first big road trip I took after Jason died. It was a long trip from Oklahoma to Florida and this place was an overnight refuge. A place of rest. It honestly felt like I was taking a deep breath and was able to sleep. It came with great conversation and comfortable seating and of course all the coffee we could manage to consume before getting on the road again. Even my daughter and her friend commented on what a peaceful night it had been. When I returned the next year to just spend a few days the feeling was the same. This place, the home where I stay is filled with peace. This location is set along a river and there is just something about the smell, the pace and the overall feeling that begs you to slow down, take a deep breath and just rest.. 

Second theory: The pace of peace. Like I said above there is a pace here that is different than where I came from in Oklahoma. The first two times I arrived here I was seeking peace, I was seeking a change of pace and I was seeking refuge from hurry and an overwhelmed life. Both times I was welcomed by this peace and change of pace. I was truly taking a deep breath for the first time in a long while. I learned about the history of this place and how it is referred to as the “Place where the river sings”. How can you live hurriedly when you have to stop to hear the river sing? How can you rush from place to place when all you want to do is drink coffee or tea while sitting on your porch? Coming from a place where I was in “Go” mode all the time this was a welcomed break. It was an escape. If I am being honest most of my trips in the early days felt like this because I was just trying to fill the quiet spaces. I knew after the last time I visited that I would need to return again and see more and learn more about this beautiful southern town and that is just what I did on this visit. 

Third theory: Jason. Jason loved music. Jason played the guitar. He would have loved this little sleepy town and all the music history it holds. I learned the last time I visited that this sleepy little town is responsible for quite a bit of music over the course of American history. This state has churned out quite a few famous artists, producers, writers and more! So I know that by learning more about this town and its musical history I am learning more about something he loved and It makes me smile. 

Fourth theory: Change is good. I have realized that I am not the same person who visited the last two times. The person who was here before was filling the quiet spaces and choosing hurry over being ok with rest and quiet. The person who was here before was fresh in grief. The person who visited recently is healing. She is comfortable in the quiet. She is walking out her healing and has embraced her story. God is still writing it and it is good. She knows that God is a good God. He is faithful and He has provided and will continue to provide all that she needs. The girl who embarked on this trip is not the same, she has found a new job where she has purpose and is able to relationally connect with her coworkers and those she serves. She has found a rhythm to life that embraces both the rest and adventure that she craves. The girl who arrived has changed and it is good. 

More than anything this trip has reinforced my belief that moving forward in your grief journey can be a good thing. You can still make new memories, experience new adventures, cry when you feel like it, laugh often, love deeper and embrace all the moments in a way that most don’t fully understand. I often think this is a gift that comes with loss. Because of deep loss you see the moments of life in a different way than those who have not experienced deep loss. Change is good but so are those familiar places that allow you to appreciate the change and growth that you have walked through. 

Dear friend, embrace both the familiar places where your memories live as much as you embrace the new adventures and experiences in your life. I want to leave you with one question, in what ways have you changed each time you have visited a familiar place?

Change and hurry, two words that are on the opposite ends of the spectrum from each other. 

You can’t hurry change. Consider, if you will, the changing of the leaves in the fall. Where I live we have to suffer through the heat of summer until that heat gives way to cooler breezes and crisp nights. Along with this break in the heat is the hope of finally being able to catch a glimpse of the visual explosion of colors painted across the horizon. Trees shine with bright oranges, yellows, reds and of course the unchanging evergreen. But we cannot rush this change. It seems to happen slowly until one day when you wake up it has literally changed from a lush green landscape to a full bloom of fall colors overnight.

So why should we expect anything different in our lives? Why should we look for the next quick fix to help us change? It is not that simple, nor is it that easy. You see, change requires us to give control over to the creator. He set the seasons and only He knows how long each type of tree takes to fully change from their summer greens to their beautiful fall colors. Even now as I type this I can see the beginnings of fall out the window. 

What I love most about fall is that change, while slow, frustrating, confusing and difficult can be beautiful when left in the Creator’s hands. Change requires us to slow down and listen. Because we have to slow down, hurry becomes the enemy of change. Hurry causes us to rush, to miss the small details and most importantly hurry causes us to miss hearing that still small voice of our Heavenly Father. During a season of change He asks us to slow down and walk with Him. During a season of change and really every day He asks us to give up the controls, to allow Him to be in the driver’s seat. More than anything, remember that when we slow down and give Him the space to move, to speak, to work in our lives the change no longer seems slow, frustrating, confusing and difficult. He allows the change to seem effortless just like the leaves changing colors overnight.

By choosing a life of hurry we invite in frustrations, confusion and challenges because they go against the nature of our Heavenly Father. Really, change requires us to pause, to wait, and mostly just exercise that unused virtue of patience. We have to exercise patience because our time, at least how we measure it here, is not how God measures time. He has a completely different view of how time looks and feels. We know this to be true because of the scripture Psalm 90:4 “For a thousand years in your sight are but as yesterday when it is past, or as a watch in the night.” Or also in II Peter 3:8-9, “But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.”

For some of you, like me, this may be a challenge. Slowing down does not come easily or naturally. Slowing down might mean giving space to a quiet that you have been avoiding. Slowing down may even mean facing something that your Heavenly Father is asking you to confront that you have been unwilling to do up until this point. I want to challenge you as well as myself to take time in this season to slow down. Take time to listen to what your Heavenly Father is speaking to you and not only that but take time to address the things He is asking you to change, slow down enough to pay attention to the small nudges, and most importantly slow down enough where you can quiet your life and hear His still small voice. I have been working on slowing down more this year and so far I have learned more about my calling and purpose, I have heard more of what my family and friends are really saying they need or want our of our friendship, and really he has been given me glimpses of what is to come. More than anything, in slowing down I have been able to hear His voice. I have been able to hear the things He says about me, I have heard wisdom, guidance and ways to take steps toward all that He has for me in this second edition of my life! He is not done with me, nor is He finished with you! Lean in my friend, He longs to speak to you, He longs to spend time with you and He longs to usher you through a change that will lead you in our calling just like He is doing with me. More than anything He wants to show us how our purpose can make an impact in His kingdom. 

Friends, while change can be scary and difficult to navigate, let’s learn from the trees this fall that change can also be beautiful when God’s hand is all over it! 

Oh September! September is the month that our family loves because most of us get to celebrate our birthdays. There aren’t many days that do not mark a birthday or anniversary in our family and extended family this month. Basically everytime we turn around we are eating cake or having a family get together. Is this bad? No way! In fact I love it because most of the time it means gathering as a group to catch up, celebrate, eat something that has been lovingly grilled and watch some football. If we are lucky the evening might even end with some Texas Hold ‘em or Mexican Train Dominoes. Yes, we are that family and I love it!

I am actually one of the September birthday celebrations. Yes, I begin a new year in September every year. I love my birthday, not for the reasons most think. But yes, I do love birthday cake.🙂 I love my birthday because it marks a changing of seasons in a way, it falls at the beginning of football season. So while the weather may not feel cool and crisp you know it is right around the corner. I also love my birthday because it means there is another opportunity to Carpe Diem. Meaning, as I age I have learned that birthdays should be celebrated. It is celebrating life. It is celebrating you. Whether you believe it or not, you are worth celebrating…even if you slide into this birthday on two wheels and zero miles to go until empty. I guess what I am trying to say is that I love celebrating life. It is too short to dismiss a birthday as just another day. You and I have been created for such a time as this and we should embrace that and live it up…within reason of course. 

That being said, since Jason died I have found that celebrating birthdays are tough. It is a struggle to enjoy the moments as I once did. Those celebrations now feel like I am trying to clap with one hand or celebrate without glitter or confetti. Isn’t that a picture of grief? You have joy, you have laughter and yet you have tears and you have crying. But I have been making an effort to be in the moment. To live life fully in the moment that I am presented with, meaning that if I am at a celebration I am happy, I express joy and we live it up and make memories. So, this year even though it will be difficult I am choosing joy. I am choosing to believe that he is celebrating me in the most perfect way. This new month and this new year will be the best because I am choosing joy. Will there be tough days, yes, but I do not have to reside there. That is not the end of my story. My story ends good. My story ends with joy. 

Along the lines of celebrations, I recently learned something new and I have been working to process just exactly what it means to me personally. I wanted to share the nugget of wisdom, but please know I am working to define what it means in my everyday life. So I am learning alongside each of you!

Some people (including me) have long disliked the term “widow”. I have never liked it, personally and it has never felt comfortable checking that box on a form. That being said, what I heard has forever changed my point of view on this term. Someone recently encouraged me to look at being a widow as an honor. For me, it was an honor to be married to Jason. It was an honor to walk next to him through about 30 years of life. It was an honor to sit next to him in the hospital and pray for him and fight for him when he could not fight. It was an honor to release him to heaven where he received his perfect healing. It is an honor to be his widow. It is an honor to carry his legacy daily and share our story in hopes that it brings someone else comfort and peace. You see in the Bible there are specific groups of people that are mentioned and called to be cared for because they are special and those groups are the widows and orphans. So, if God saw that a widow was worthy of attention and care, why should I spend so much time disliking the label? Why don’t I give the fight over to Him and allow Him to infuse His peace, comfort and goodness into the situation. 

I want to challenge you to choose joy. Choose to let God fight on your behalf. Choose to rest in His goodness and faithfulness because that is His gift to us. 

“A lot about livin’ & a little ‘bout love” is a line from an Alan Jackson song. It is actually a catchy tune if you have ever heard the song. But as I prepare to move once again (yes, you read that right) I cannot help but think about what I have written about this house. It has built me in more ways than one. But, as I have been packing, sorting and trashing items I have felt more emotional than I expected. I realized that leaving this home closes a chapter in my life that I wasn’t ready to close. Yet, it also opens the door to a new chapter that is full of unknown excitement and adventure.

You see, my baby bird has left the nest. She sprouted the most beautiful wings and is thriving on her own. She is learning what it means to have her own space and learning what it means to say that a “house built her” is an understatement. But where does that leave me? On my own for the first time in my life. Yes, you read that correctly. I have never lived on my own. So it is time to downsize and create my own nest, one that is built for 1. I am not quite sure my exact feelings on this, however, what I can say now is that this whole process is not what it should have looked like or felt like. Jason should be here. He should be doing all the dad things for our girl as she moved and as she is getting settled, and yet he is not here. He and I should be enjoying being empty nesters and embarking on our own adventures that we had planned out, and yet he is not here. 

This home that I have lived in this last year has taught me “A lot about livin & a little ‘bout love”. I have learned so much about living, not just in a home but truly living. Like embrace every day, trust that God is good no matter what life looks like kind of living. I have learned about caring for a space that stands alone. I have learned about caring for myself physically, mentally and spiritually. I have learned that I have a renewed purpose and calling on my life and made changes to fully chase after that which God is calling me to! Some of these lessons were easier than others, some of these lessons meant a new level of trust for me, and some of these lessons came straight from my Heavenly Father hidden behind beautiful eyes and smiles. I have learned to be vulnerable and let people into my innermost circle, trusting that as I gave them my heart, they will choose to take care of it like it was their own. 

The love I have learned about is multi-faceted. I learned to love myself. Like really love me. I am still working on this daily, but for the most part I know that I am a beautiful daughter of the King of Kings. He made me and that is more than enough. I choose to not question why, I choose to lean into what He has called and equipped me to do. I have learned so much about the love of my Heavenly Father. I am in awe daily at how creative He is and how intentional He is with me. For example, His name is the sound of breathing. So literally when you inhale and exhale you are speaking the name of God. YHWH. Think about that for a moment. Your first breath when you are born speaks His name just as much as when you breathe your last breath. Every breath in between speaks His name. When you experience joy, sorrow, fear and peace you speak His name. When you have all the words or even when you cannot speak you speak His name with every breath. 

In short I have learned and am still learning a lot about living. Living on my own, living as a widow, living through tragic loss, living as someone who is healing daily and leaning fully on her Heavenly Father. I have also learned a little ‘bout love. The love of my family, friends and community that has helped me make it to today. Most importantly the love of my Heavenly Father. I am learning more about life and love daily. It is a constant process of growth, stretching, joy and pain. But such is life.

So my friend, what are you learning about life and love?

Perspective is a funny thing, mainly because your opinion and knowledge of a situation relies totally on how you view and experience the situation. For example: My perspective of the landscape of Oklahoma is much different when I am driving through the state than when I am flying over the beautiful Sooner state. So, why am I talking about perspective? Because, I am marching at a rapid pace toward the 2 year mark of when Jason passed away and the perspective of 2 years from that life changing event is much different than the perspective of going through those extremely tough days as well as the perspective of 1 year from that life changing event. 

While Jason was in the hospital I kept a journal. I wrote about each day in detail because I wanted to be able to fill him in on what he missed while he was sedated. During those 7+ weeks I kept hope and I experienced a holy kind of peace. Last year and again this year I have read through what I wrote each day during that journey. Some days are easy to read and remember, others I feel the words I wrote just as deeply as I did when I wrote them. This is perspective. 

The woman who wrote those words in her journal was fighting a big battle for her husband and her family. The woman who wrote those words in her journal was tired physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. The woman who wrote those words in her journal was leaning on her Heavenly Father like she never had before. More than that, through reading the words in those journals I see that the woman who wrote those words loved her husband, missed him terribly and wanted nothing less than for him to open his eyes, talk to her, get out of the bed, give her the biggest hug, and make a full recovery. This is perspective. 

The woman who lived past those words she wrote is still fighting battles for her family. The woman who lived past those words she wrote is still tired physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally some days. However, the woman who lived past those words she wrote has realized she is stronger than she thought she was, she is resilient, she is compassionate, and she is realizing that God is asking more of her in this new season. Again, this is perspective!

I was recently asked by a dear friend what my biggest regret was and honestly the question caught me off guard. My mind began racing. I have so many regrets and perspective has granted me the gift of reflection on not only the journey when Jason was sick and in the hospital, but also over the course of our 28 years together. Of course the normal questions arise, like did I make the right decisions concerning his care, did I say “I love you” enough and so on. But what I realized in that moment was it goes deeper than that. We both said “I love you” as often as we could. We took the road trips, although I do wish we would have done a little more exploring so mark that as a slight regret. We laughed together, we celebrated with each other, and we had great moments together as a family. Really, when it came down to giving an answer I gave two: first I wish we would have taken more time to sit around the table for dinner and conversations. Second, I wish Jason and I would have had more conversations about our wishes for end of life care. Again, I could list so many more things on a list of regrets like, I wish I would have taken more time to sit and talk with him between May 21 and May 26. I wish I would have shared the phone with Abby when he called on June 7. I wish, I wish, I wish. 

These are things I cannot change, yet as I look back it can influence choices I make today and every day moving forward. I can choose to let these thoughts dominate my mind or I can choose to use what I know and what I experienced as a launching point to be different every day. To choose to sit and talk instead of being busy. To choose to include others in my daily walk because there is power in unity and community. To choose to slow down so I can hear the still small voice of my Heavenly Father when I need His comfort, guidance and love the most. See, perspective can be a good thing although in my life it is almost always challenging!

When I think about sitting, slowing down, listening and just being in the presence of my Heavenly Father, my family, my friends or whoever I am sitting across from in the moment, I think about the story of Mary and Martha when Jesus came to their home. 

“Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42 ESV

How many times are we like Martha when we should be more like Mary? How many times has our phone, computer, tv, tablet, book, or whatever been a distraction and prevented us from engaging with those around us? I often think how many interactions have I missed over my 46 years because of being distracted? 

So as I sit and ponder this upcoming milestone, I can remember the hard times we experienced and grew through. I can recount the decisions we made as a couple as well as the difficult decisions I had to make on his behalf.  It is easy to vividly remember all of the good things, especially when you have grown up together, there are bound to be a lot of happy memories!  I love that our Heavenly Father has given us the gift of memories. Because of this gift, I can still hear his laugh after telling one of those really corny dad jokes or after he shared one of his classic funny sayings that rolled off his tongue as if he had been saving it for just that particular moment. I can still see the twinkle in his eyes once he cracked a joke or just thought of something that he had yet to share. This is the perspective I will treasure this week as we honor a life well lived. 

I want to use my gift of perspective to recall the good things that my Heavenly Father has provided for me throughout my life. I want to sit at His feet and be in His presence so I can hear His still small voice. Basically, I want to be a Mary in this Martha world. How about you?

Even if…I have said those words many times over the years. I have even uttered the phrase “What if” a time or two as well. But think about this, what if strikes fear. It leads you down a mental rabbit hole where you are automatically thinking about the worst things that could possibly happen and running all the scenarios through your mind. You might even be doing it now as you read this post. STOP! Look at the words Even If. They spark hope. They lead you down a different path, one that says “even if ______ happens I will still trust in you Lord”. You fill in the blank and make the sentence work for your personal scenario, but it should always end with knowing, trusting, and believing that your Heavenly Father wants nothing but His best for your life. 

Lately, I have had to employ the “even if” statements more than usual. Since February it has felt like a constant season of change and the need to make some very big decisions personally. For some, change is exciting and they crave it…not me. I do like some elements of change, however, for me though it is the unknown parts of change that are difficult. Embracing the uncomfortableness of ambiguity has never seemed fun or exciting to me…until recently. Since April I have been walking through a decision to change jobs. Now this change is not something that I was seeking, it actually came about because of some friends and their loving nudge to explore some options. But if I go back further than that, I think I have known for a while that my time in education was coming to a close. I say that mainly because the journey I have been on for the last two years has been so significant personally that it would eventually drive me to do something that helps those in my similar situation. But how? Only by the grace of my Heavenly Father and my amazing community have I been able to walk out this journey. Since February, I have learned more about my God given gifts, talents, core values, mission, vision, and purpose. I have learned that all I have walked through in my life has molded me and shaped me into who I am today and He wants to use all of those pieces for His glory. But with that comes the need for change and often those moments of uncomfortable ambiguity. I will add that anytime I have walked through making decisions or big changes while grieving it has made it more complicated because there are more emotions tangled up with every move. With these big changes it has amplified it even more. 

I have been at this education thing since graduating college in 1998. That is a long time! I have invested 11 years in the school I have been at most recently. I have built true friendships that will last a lifetime. The place has become like home. My daughter grew up and graduated from this school and she also made lifelong friendships there as well. The last two years this school has been a safe haven for me to walk through the toughest season I have ever faced. They provided a sanctuary for me to grieve, but did not allow me to grieve alone. They surrounded me and walked with me every step of the way. So to even think about stepping away from this place did not cross my mind, well at least stepping away anytime soon. I was thinking more along the lines of when I was of retirement age. But my Heavenly Father has a way of easing me into change. He has a way of lovingly preparing my heart for the hard decisions and conversations. If I look back, this past school year felt different. There were many days as I worshiped in the car on the way to school I would find myself in tears and not really knowing why. Looking back I was pre-grieving. I was being prepared to leave my safe haven or really it is more like leaving home. But I know that I have been prepared for this change. I know that I am going to be doing something that helps women walk through what I have been walking through the last two years. More than anything I know God called me to that school at that time so I could grow spiritually, mentally, and professionally in a way that prepared me for all that I have walked through up to today. I just could never have imagined all that would go into shaping me into the woman I am today 11 years ago. But it is easy to look back and gain perspective. 

Each year about this time I sit and re-read through my journals from when Jason was in the hospital. I never want to forget those moments, not because of what was happening, but because instead of running from God when our prayers were seemingly unanswered I ran to Him. I was in a place spiritually where I felt immoveable and unshakeable. I was embracing the “even if” of the situation. I never felt fear of the future creeping in, I never felt doubt that God would not take care of me, and I never felt alone or abandoned. In fact I want to share just a few of the confessions that I wrote during this uncertain time:

• I do not fear the future because you are already there.
• I do not fear the journey because I Know you go before me, behind me, and all around me. 
• I know you are a miracle working God because your Word is alive and powerful.
• I am strong because my source of strength, confidence and courage is my Heavenly Father.
• I know you will never fail me so I walk in peace because I trust in you. 

Each year, as I have read through the journals there is something new that stands out to me. Something I wrote in the moment that seemed small or insignificant and yet two years later is perfect for when I am reading it. If you do not journal that is ok! We have a written record or holy words that have been inspiring people for centuries! These writings have been curated and put together to create the Bible. The words found in this book were inspired and written in a way that makes them relevant and helpful even today. They infuse hope, joy and refreshment into my life and they will do the same for you, but you have to open the book and read. If you don’t know where to start, start with the gospels Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Just start reading. The words and the stories will change your perspective and your life! The words will bring comfort when you are in the midst of hard times. The words will bring joy and refreshment when you are tired. 

So my friends, what is your “even if” right now? How can you change the narrative from “what if” to “even if” and what scriptures are you standing on to give you hope, strength and courage?