“While the earth remains, Seedtime and harvest, Cold and heat, Winter and summer, And day and night Shall not cease.”

Genesis 8:22

Seasons come and seasons go. It seems like just as you are getting comfortable in a particular season it changes. Isn’t that just like life? There are mountains, there are valleys, there are green spaces, there are rainy seasons and there are deserts. Only one thing in my life has remained more consistent than the changing seasons and that is my Heavenly Father. 

In the desert seasons all you see is dirt for miles. There are few things that grow in this environment. It is a place of resilience where grit and just being able to be the last man/woman standing is imperative. In the desert there is always this feeling of dry parched earth in every step you take. You feel as though every drop of water is precious and life-giving. There isn’t one place in your life left untouched by the swirling dust and dirt of the desert. The journey through the desert is tough and at times it seems never ending. Yet this season is filled with opportunities to sit at the feet of your Heavenly Father and discover aspects of His character you have missed in other seasons. It is a season filled with growth even though it does not feel like it in the desert. This season is necessary so you can thrive in the other seasons of life. No one ever chooses this as their favorite season, yet once out of this season you can look back and pinpoint moments where true depth and growth occurred. 

In the Mountain season you have amazing views of the scenery around you. You can see where you have been and even where you want to go next. There are trees, flowers and ground coverings until a certain elevation, then once above the tree line it clears so you can see your surroundings. The journey to the top of the mountain may feel a lot like the desert where you feel like you are the last person standing alone on that summit. This is not an easy season, but it does not feel as dry and lonely as the desert season. This is a challenging season and yet you are prepared because of what you learned about yourself and your Heavenly Father in the desert season. Just remember you are never alone and your Heavenly Father is always with you. 

In the Valley season there are places that are filled with death and despair. There are places that seem to give reprieve from the dark spaces and yet there is never rest in the valley. Yet there is something that drives the traveler to keep moving through the valley. There is something that beckons movement just as in the desert season. There are times of provision and prosperity, but there is just something that doesn’t allow you to get comfortable while walking through this season. There is little rest while you are trying to escape the dark spaces of the valley. Traveler, you must keep moving forward. You must keep moving toward your Heavenly Father.

In the rainy season there is what seems to be a never ending downpour of water from the sky. It is always gray, dark and damp. There is seemingly no place that you can go to dry off and rest. In this season you will get wet, you will get muddy. This season is tough. You have your rain boots on and you are walking through the water and the mud, but you feel every step. You feel the pull of the mud and the muck. You might even fall or give up, but know that your Heavenly Father is walking with you helping you to pull yourself up and keep going. If you are in a place where there is a lot of rain you will typically have beautiful trees that grow tall and provide a canopy of leaves and branches. This does not shut out the rain, but it does provide some cover, but this canopy never fully blocks out the rain. In this environment you cannot survive alone. You will need a guide. Someone who knows what you are walking through and what you might face. Someone who wants the best for you in every step that you take. That someone is your Heavenly Father. When you rely on Him, He will lead you through and eventually you emerge from the canopy, the rain will stop, the skies will clear and a rainbow will appear. 

In the green spaces there is rest. In the green spaces there is restoration and refreshment. In the green spaces there is something that helps it feel like it is complete and whole. In the green spaces there is peace and rest. These green spaces make the desert, the valley, the rain and the mountain seasons seem distant. However, these green spaces are not the place for comfort and complacency. These spaces are for growth and filling. We need the green spaces to help us feel refreshed because we cannot pour out of an empty cup. We need to refill during this season because people need us to share about our journey. People need to learn what we have learned and experienced to help them keep traveling through their seasons. People need to hear our story! People need to be reminded about this journey because we all know that seasons do not last forever. Every season has a beginning and an end. Each season brings its own challenges and rewards, but they do not last forever. In the words of Dory, “Just keep swimming”!

Friend, what season do you find yourself in today? How has your Heavenly Father been walking with you and what is He equipping you for in your next season?

“The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me.
Lord, your faithful love endures forever;
do not abandon the work of your hands.”

Psalm 138:8 CSB

“Life is to be lived.” 

“People are meant to be celebrated.”

“Adventure is out there waiting to be explored.” 

“Memories are still out there to be made.”

“Be in the pictures, take all the pictures and look through them often.”

All great things. Yet grief stops you in your tracks almost as if you are wearing concrete shoes. Then when you hear the phrases above it is almost an insult at times because you just want to respond with, “don’t you remember what happened?” or “don’t you remember who I lost?” Either response would be fitting and yet we continue to grieve in silence and refuse to speak up. I would gather that most of us don’t speak up because we don’t want to rehash everything that has happened, or we know the people advising us mean well and truly love us. Yet the pain is still there. The thought of living life without our person is painful. It hurts deep in our soul and yet hope flickers dimly. For me, the dim flicker of hope was always there and the flicker grew the closer I leaned into my Heavenly Father. Yet I see people everywhere that cannot even seem to find that flicker. It makes me wonder how much they lean toward their Heavenly Father or if they even truly know Him. It also makes me wonder how I can help them or rather how I can show them the real Jesus and help them understand just how much He truly cares. 

Think back to what you know of the story of Lazarus. He and Jesus were close friends and Lazarus’s sisters were part of the friendship as well. In fact it was Lazarus’ sisters who were the ones that sent for Jesus when Lazarus was dying. Jesus delayed his trip to see his friend and Lazarus died. After a time Jesus and his disciples made the trek to see Lazarus and his sisters. When they arrived they found that Lazarus had been dead for a while and his sisters were angry and grieving. They had questions for Jesus. They wondered why. Why did he not come and heal their brother so he would live? Why did Jesus wait so long to come see Lazarus? It was at this point we read the shortest verse in the Bible, “Jesus wept.” You see Jesus did not get to see his friend before he passed away. Jesus did not get to say his final words to Lazarus. Jesus did not even get to participate in the funeral. However, he did grieve. He mourned and cried. He did this knowing that his next movement would be to raise Lazarus from the dead. 

• Why should we keep on living after a loved one passes away?
  • Because their life was important. They made an impact on you and your life. This impact should be shared and their legacy should be imprinted on the next generation. 
  • Because even though Jesus did not physically show up in your hospital room or at your loved ones funeral, He is with you and has been with you everyday of your life. 
  • People are meant to be celebrated. Celebrate the birthdays, anniversaries, promotions, graduations, events and anything that needs to be celebrated.
  • Adventure is out there waiting to explore it. You, yes you on the couch…go walk, go run or just go outside. 
  • Memories are still out there  to be made. Go, do and try all the things that you had an excuse for yesterday. Be stronger than your excuses! Why? Because today is a new day so go Carpe Diem that thing!
  • Be in the pictures, take all the pictures and look through them often. Think of these pictures as a gift to your kids, your grandkids, and all the generations after you. They will have a plethora of pictures of you to choose from for your memory sliedshow. I know that sounds a bit morbid, but also remember you should not always be the one behind the camera getting that perfect shot. Be in front. Be silly. Be serious. Just whatever you do, make every effort to be in more pictures. Your kids aren’t going to remember anything other than the memories that were made when that photo was taken. You are beautiful/handsome and worth photographing!

So my friends, just keep living. It might be a minute at a time or a day at a time but keep bravely putting one foot in front of the other and doing life knowing you are honoring a life well lived and one day someone else will do the same once you are gone. 

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Hebrews 12:1-2

So in life there is always a next step. God is always up to so much more than we can see or feel. Knowing this, why is that next step always so daunting? In my life, I have always struggled with taking that next step. You see I love knowing all the details and making a cautious controlled step. One where I know everything that will happen. But life is not like that. It is unpredictable. It is messy. Yet I still hesitate and pause until I can easily say yes. 

Hesitating, pausing, or trying to control all the things is not putting my trust in God. What it means is that essentially I am telling God I know better and I don’t need your help in this area. OUCH! Even as I type this post I am walking through a season where I have been dragging my feet on something that a friend and I have been talking about and planning for almost a year. Something we felt like the Lord was asking us to do. But in doing this thing it means being ok with things not being perfect. It also means I have to be brutally vulnerable even with people who I may never have an opportunity to meet or see their face. 

So why is choosing obedience to my Heavenly Father so difficult? Or maybe the better question is why is willing to not be perfect and showing vulnerability so challenging for me? For me, it goes back to what I wrote about in the post “Speak Life”. It speaks directly to that inner self talk of “you aren’t good enough” or “no one will like xyz that you are doing now”. But if I take a true look at those statements neither is true. I am the daughter of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. I am an image bearer of Christ. So I am good enough because He made me to be me. God has called me and purposed me to help introduce others to Him and share what He has done in my life. So, whether anyone likes, reads, or listens to what I do doesn’t matter. What matters is that I follow Him and do what He asks of me because where He calls me He will equip me and He will do the same for you!

Walking through this grief and widow journey has been daily taking the next step in front of me. Some of the steps have been easy and some have been extremely hard and required true grit. Grit in this journey looks different in 2023 than it did in 2021 and 2022. From the moment this journey began it took everything in me to just feel something. Tattoos did not hurt, not much made me laugh for real and even thrill rides weren’t that thrilling. All of that built up to going skydiving. Pretty extreme, right? Well, even the thought of jumping out of a plane, strapped to a stranger with nothing but cords and a parachute did not phase me. These experiences provided an adrenaline rush that took me to the next experience. But what I did know was my Heavenly Father was walking with me in each of these experiences. He was patiently guiding me, comforting me, placing precious people in my life and making sure I continued safely on my path. He is the ultimate gentleman holding open the doors I would need to walk through in this early piece of my journey. Each step of this journey required me to shed pieces of the old me, to dig deep and be honest with the emotions of this change. When you grow up with someone and choose to marry them your life is intertwined in more than just the “one flesh” way. Your personality and often how you look seems to morph into a conglomeration of what was once yours and what was theirs until you are no longer recognizable. This is why losing a person of this significance is so gut wrenching and truly causes deep secondary losses because a new identity is required to even just do basic daily functions.  This is yet again where my Heavenly Father was walking alongside me, showing me who I am in Him and asking nothing more than for me to trust Him in the rebuilding of me.

As I rolled deeper into 2022 I began to notice a shift that has increased now that we are in 2023. I realized that the grit I needed in the early days is no longer the grit I need for today. I need something different. I needed grit to rebuild and rediscover just who it is that I am as a single mom, woman and widow. He has called me to be an “Ezer Kenegdo”. Ezer Kenegdo are the first two words spoken about a woman in the Bible. They are found in Genesis. Ezer means helper and one who gives strength or aid. Meaning you are doing something for someone that they cannot do for themselves. In almost every other place the word Ezer is found in the Bible it is being used to describe the relationship between God and Israel. Kenegdo is a word found only one time in the Bible and it is in Genesis when used to describe women. It means one who stands in front of you or next to you but doesn’t let you go just any way you want. These words, Ezer Kenegdo, were used when describing a woman as a suitable helpmate for a man. So in my mind I now see women as warriors for their families, for their relationships and for their community. They stand face to face and side by side with those they aid and no matter the circumstance or the story playing out in front of them, they will fight against all that hell tries to bring against them. 

I am here today to tell you that I am a warrior that has a story and I will shout it from every corner of this world because I know that my best days are still ahead of me because He still has a purpose for me. He is not finished with this 40 something widow. He wants me to meet new people, build community, and make new memories. He wants me to smile, laugh and enjoy the days He has set before me and He wants the same for you. 

So, my friend, what is the next step He is asking you to take?

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

Mark 12:31 ESV

Speak life. Two words that seem easy to say but putting them into practice is a totally different issue. I often find it is easier to practice speaking life over others before myself. Because, if I am being truly honest, it is difficult to speak kindly about myself because I am acutely aware of all my faults and flaws. I get to see them up close and personal on a daily basis. And yet I know that I am a child of God. I know that I am the daughter of a King. I know I am loved, cherished, and cared for deeply by my Heavenly Father, my family and friends. They speak life over me daily, so why should I have such a difficult time doing the same?

Speaking life has always been challenging because I have always struggled with feeling like I was good enough, tall enough, talented enough, pretty enough, a good daughter, wife, mom, sister, friend, and the list goes on. Learning more about my personality and God given gifts and talents has helped me to realize that this is something that I struggle with and therefore I need to pay attention to daily. Since I have become more aware of my tendencies, I have started taking action to combat the lies the enemy was trying to make me believe. I have started confessing life and bravery over myself and my family. 

I came across this statement in a reading the other day: “You cannot be brave and speak poorly about yourself.” When I first read this statement I did not really agree with it because I have done plenty of brave things without changing how I spoke to myself. But then when I really sat with this statement I realized it is true. Bravery is more than doing things in the face of fear. It is how you carry yourself. It is how you speak to yourself and others. It is how you react to circumstances. It is taking a step of faith not knowing how it will work out in the end. 

Not much in life can focus your prayers and the words that come from your mouth like trials. In my life it was Jason’s big health challenge. In the heat of battle, the facts swirling, and the medical jargon being force fed to me (someone without a medical degree) with every procedure and shift change meant I had to find that calm and peaceful center. Those days, and really everyday since, my calm and peaceful center is and has been my Heavenly Father. He showed up for me daily. His presence was evident in every decision I had to make, every report I received from a nurse or doctor, in every procedure that needed to be done, and I can say it was even evident in Jason’s passing. But it didn’t just happen “magically”. I had to speak words of life, of peace and calmness. I had scriptures and confessions that I would read over Jason, over me and our family. I read them in that ICU room, at home and even in the car. There wasn’t a moment where I allowed anything other than peace to be present. 

I have often wondered why it took this event for me to truly understand why it is so important to speak life.  I have been a Christian since I was a child. I grew up in a church that believed in speaking life. So why wasn’t this evident in my life before? I think it was, but it was an underused muscle. Life was easy. We were happy and all was good. No need to do major workouts right? Wrong. I have been going to the gym and lifting weights for a while now and I have learned something: lifting weights means that you need to work on not just the major muscles involved in the lifts but you also have to work on building up the supporting muscles. Meaning that you may not use every muscle group everyday but you should be developing them so that when you need them they are ready! Same goes for our lives. I need to work on my “speaking life” muscle so that when it is needed it is built up and ready to work! 

So, speak life over yourself, speak life over your neighbor and begin to really see yourself the way your Heavenly Father sees you. You are a beautiful (or handsome) work of art that He created and gave specific personality traits, gifts, and talents that your family and friends need daily. Go be brave and speak life!

“This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:8-9

 Brave: endure or face unpleasant conditions or behavior without showing fear.

Have you ever had to be brave? Have you ever had to be brave in your outward appearance and yet inside you feel nothing but fear, anxiety, timidity, uncertainty, etc.? I know I have and if I am being honest I have done more of the second one than the first…especially since Jason passed away. Learning new things, going new places, moving, making decisions, and continuing to be a parent. All these life things had to keep moving forward despite my loss and grief. That is where “brave” had to take over. 

• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like getting out of bed for the first time in a few days.
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like getting out of the house.
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like going to the store alone. 
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like going back to church alone or with a friend.
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like traveling alone for the first time or any time.
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like being alone in your home.
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like a family dinner even though you are missing someone important. 
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like celebrating a holiday or a special day without your person.
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like being vulnerable and truly honest with someone.
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like going on an adventure or trying something new. 
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like allowing true joy in your life. 
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like moving forward while honoring the past and the story that brought you to today. 
• Maybe for you, “brave” looks like telling your story.

Being brave is contagious. Think about it, when you were a kid and you wanted to try something either your parents or someone you knew would always encourage you by saying, “Go ahead! It’s not scary so and so is doing it”…or whatever other encouragement applies to the situation. Maybe you had parents that would try things with you and modeled how to be “brave” for you. But once you saw someone complete the task or whatever, you would feel like you could at least try it, right? That is how “brave” is contagious. Now, apply that to your situation. For me, it is continuing to live my life in a way that honors God, honors the legacy relationship that Jason and I had and even honors myself by discovering who this new me truly is. 

Let me just tell you that there is not one single day that I “feel brave”. I have had many people tell me, “You are so brave. I don’t think I could do what you have done if I ever lost my spouse.” If I know them well enough my response is usually one of two things: “I pray you never have to find out.” or “I don’t consider myself brave. I am just doing the next thing in front of me.” Well, when you follow what God is asking of you (doing the next thing in front of you) that is being brave. That is also when those around you can see evidence of your Heavenly Father in you, your words, and your actions. 

There is a great book by Joyce Meyer titled “Doing it Afraid”. This last year I read it and walked through a study with a small group of ladies. While in this group, I realized that for most of my life I had been making decisions from a place of fear instead of a place of “brave”. So since then I have been taking time to really reflect and look at my words, my thoughts, and my actions. I have decided that instead of resolutions in 2023, I am going to set goals. One of my goals is to make small shifts in my mindset daily to intentionally be “brave”. But not as you typically think of brave. I have decided that instead of focusing on what I cannot do or rather do not know how to do, I will simply do the next thing in front of me that He is asking me to do. I will do this knowing that my Heavenly Father is walking with me on this journey. I still know I will not feel brave, but I know that by being obedient He will honor my actions and work in, through and around me to complete His ultimate plan. I mean after all He did use a donkey. 

My friend, where do you need to be brave? Where do you feel the Heavenly Father asking you to take a step but you have let fear rule? Change that today and be brave!

“For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.”

Romans 15:4

Do you have a favorite chair or place to sit in your home? The chair where you can sip a hot cup of coffee, tea or hot chocolate while you read, study or pray. Maybe the chair is even by a window with your favorite view.  For me, it is the place where once I get comfortable, I immediately feel the weight of the world leave and I can just relax and truly be myself in front of my Heavenly Father. There are so many different types of chairs that serve various purposes. Below are a few I have sat in over the last year and a half. 

The airplane chair: these types of chairs inspire adventure and excitement especially for a trip where there are sure to be new experiences ahead. Travel is always fun, you can escape your daily reality to make new memories. There was a trip to the mountains that was packed with celebrating accomplishments and seeing God’s hand in nature.

The waiting room chair: these chairs tend to be oversized to fit anyone, not comfortable and cold. These chairs can be useful when waiting for answers and can be very unforgiving when they are the only option to use for a bed. I am convinced that these chairs are made uncomfortable on purpose, to prevent you from settling in and enjoying the space where these chairs reside. 

The couch: while this is not technically a chair, this is a place to sit. For me, this couch became a place where I spent time in quarantine. Some may think this sounds delightful, but I can assure you that it was anything but comfortable. This season came with uncertainty, with hope, a lot of prayer and a dash of trust for good measure. It came with more questions than answers and lots of moving supplies. 

The hospital ICU chair: this chair is surprisingly comfortable and as a bonus feature it reclines! This chair comes with a view I pray no one ever has to experience. This chair comes with yet again a plethora of questions and in my case not nearly enough answers. In this chair I experienced many ups and downs as I watched my love fight for his life. This chair provided minimal comfort the day we were told there was nothing more the doctors could do. This chair would be where I said my final goodbyes and watched my love “slip the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God”. Those words of President Ronald Reagan were echoing in my mind that beautiful July morning. 

The funeral chair: to be honest I do not remember much about this chair. I remember feeling like the day was very surreal. I wasn’t sure what emotions were going to be around the corner but I knew I did not want to lose it because I feared I would never regain composure. Plus, I knew Jason would not want the day to be sad and he would have hated how much he was talked about and his accomplishments celebrated. More than the ICU chair I pray you never have to sit in this chair, but if you do I pray you have people around you supporting you as you grieve and heal. 

The griever chair: this chair is one that often changes. It never feels the same. Some days you do not know it is there and others once you sit in it you feel as though you will never get up again. For me this first year went by quickly. This does not mean there weren’t moments that were challenging, sad, and some even exciting and full of joy. But I am learning that the chair sits differently in year 2. I am sure the chair will change every year, but I find that this year sitting in the chair has caused more questions along with raw conversations with my Heavenly Father. Everyone’s grief journey is different. It is different because the relationship you had with the one you lost was different from the relationship I had with Jason. Some helpful tips for those who know someone who sits in this chair: engage with them, lean in and be patient. Talk with them, ask them normal questions, and most importantly ask about their person. There is nothing more a griever wants than to have the opportunity to honor the legacy of those they have lost by talking about them and telling stories. It helps us feel connected to them even if only by a thread that is constantly slipping further away. 

The current chair is one that is specific to my loss and grief journey. It is the widow chair: this chair is the most uncomfortable and just when you feel like you are getting the hang of it and starting to relax something comes up and reminds you of your chair and more importantly the journey that brought you to that chair. I would never want anyone to sit in this chair, but I know that is not how our broken world works. I know several that have also been given this chair over the last year. It’s a club that no one talks about…yep, kind of like fight club. But I am learning more about this chair every day. This chair, or rather the population that is labeled “widow” is the most underserved in our nation, maybe even the world. Why? Probably because we don’t like that label and more importantly we do not like to ask for help. We would rather try to fix or do it by ourselves. So my admonition to those in this chair, accept the help, ask for help, and do not be afraid to engage in your community. To those who know someone in this chair, keep asking, be patient, and keep including them. They feel lost, they feel awkward, but they also have a desire to feel included and loved. 

Sitting in the widow chair has been quite the adventure. I never expected to have to sit in this seat in my mid 40’s, or really at any age. That being said, my Heavenly Father has been with me every step of the way.  He has infused me with hope for new things and is working in me to instill a new dream. Lately this seat has not felt as heavy yet it has caused me to grow. I have had to learn how to be comfortable in the uncomfortable…learning new things that Jason just knew. I have also been learning more about how to use the story God is writing to help others. This has been probably the most uncomfortable because it means I have to lean into being vulnerable. This is not easy for the “not emotional in public” me. I have had to learn how to slow down, to listen, to put away distractions and be present. I have had to learn how to be to others what I needed. Basically, I have had to shake off the old “secure and married” part of me to reveal the “secure and widowed” part of me. Do I do this well? Not often, but I know who I can lean on to help me…my Heavenly Father. 

There is one final chair I want to share with you. This is a chair that I sit in daily. This chair is always comfortable and welcoming. This chair provides just what I need the moment I settle in each day. This is the chair where I spend time with my Heavenly Father. The time I spend with Him gives me courage, strength, and peace to sit in the chairs I mentioned above. Sitting in this chair provides the ability  to sit in my current seat as a widow. It provides me the ability to tell others my story. God is still writing my story and just like the song by Big Daddy Weave and Katy Nichole says, “God is in this story. God is in the details. Even in the broken parts He holds my heart, He never fails. When I’m at my weakest I will trust in Jesus. Always in the highs and lows the One who goes before me. God is in this story.”

What kind of chair are you in at this time? What does that chair feel like and what do you need to feel more comfortable? Who do you need to sit with you? Because God is still writing my story, I know I can have hope that one day He will provide a different chair. The widow chair will not be my last!

“Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”

Psalm 103:1-5

 _{It is so easy to say, “Be thankful.” But when you are walking through grief and loss it is often challenging to find things to be thankful for, especially on the really tough days. Giving thanks is often tough because grief is so encompassing and yet as a believer we are challenged to “Give thanks to the Lord for He is good. His love endures forever.” I Chronicles 16:34. There have been so many days where all I could give thanks for was being able to get up and be thankful for the food and coffee I had for breakfast. You know the feeling. When it seems like all you could be thankful for is all the small things. Yet every time I expressed my gratitude I found it easier to find more significant things to be thankful for, especially once I committed to expressing gratitude.} 

_{Will holidays ever feel like they used to? No. Should I expect things to be “normal” and operate like they used to? No. What was normal is not anymore. What the holidays and even regular days brought before the loss is not what you should expect after the loss. It is not the same because you are missing a person, someone who added to the culture of your family, someone who helped the holidays feel magical and someone who made home feel like home. I have often said that celebrating post loss is like trying to clap one handed. You are still trying to do a normal activity, yet it’s not working. So, do not treat or expect holidays to be like they used to. Expect them to look and feel different, but do not shy away from being thankful. God is good even when life isn’t and God is faithful even when we lack faith. Make a plan for something different, make a plan that is comfortable for you and your immediate family.} 

_{I have been learning about the character of God. In Exodus He is described as compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. More than that His character doesn’t change. How comforting is that? He doesn’t change, His character doesn’t change. I now have more to be thankful for because my Heavenly Father is always compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love and faithfulness. These aspects of His character do not rely on how I feel or what I am experiencing. I cannot change His character. I can change my attitude and the focus of my thoughts. I can be thankful in the midst of grief and loss.} 

_{This year my daughter and I started something that I hope we will repeat every year. She bought a couple of white pumpkins (not real) and a sharpie marker. Each day we write what we are thankful for on the pumpkin so at the end of November we will have two pumpkins full of all the things we are thankful for! At first that empty pumpkin looked daunting. It seemed like a big task to fill it up with words describing all the things that we are thankful for despite our loss. I am going to do the same below. I am going to list some of the things I am thankful for this November and really just any day of the year. This list is not all encompassing of everything I am thankful for, but it is a start. It challenges me to keep finding things to be thankful for because when I do, my thoughts are not on my problems and what I am missing. Being thankful has helped me to refocus, to look at what I have, to recall all that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with and more than anything all that He has promised to me as his daughter.}

_{I want to challenge you to do a thankful challenge. But do not do it alone. Find family members and friends to do it along with you. This helps you spread thankfulness and at the same time build in accountability partners. It is easy to “forget” or get busy, but being thankful causes you to intentionally slow down and refocus. Below is my list, I dare you to make one of your own!}

• _{I am thankful for my Heavenly Father. That He is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love and faithfulness. I am thankful that He does not change.}
• _{I am thankful for my daughter. Her name means joy of the father and she radiates that daily. She is so much like her father that it is a daily reminder of all the good things about him and yet she looks like me. So it is a fun combination and I love being her mom/life adventure guide.}
• _{I am thankful for my family and Jason’s family. They provided so much support and guidance while he was in the hospital and everyday since. My daughter and I would not have made it this far without them!}
• _{I am thankful for my church. My church family has been such a source of encouragement and has provided a great community in a time where we needed this kind of support the most.} 
• _{I am thankful for my friends. My friends have been my rock. My friends have been a safe place for me to talk, to cry, and to process. In turn they have been a beautiful picture of the love of my Heavenly Father here on earth.} 
• _{I am thankful for my job. It has been a place where I can be me and yet I can also be the new me. I can talk about normal things and it is also a safe place to process my grief amongst friends. The best part is I have had some amazing conversations and there are some people at my place of employment that are challenging me to be more, do more and not stop living!} 
• _{I am thankful for my home. It is a home that after a couple of pit stops is finally a place of peace and rest. It is a place where I can grow and feel secure enough to try things I never thought I would do. It is a place where I can retreat, it is a place where I can create, it is a place where I can grill, cook, bake and entertain. It has become a home in a time where the concept of home felt like an unobtainable goal.}
• _{I am thankful that I can move, lift and workout. Recently I switched up my daily routine and began focusing not just on my mental and spiritual health. I have added focus on my physical health. I desire to be stronger because I do not want to grow old from not moving. I desire to grow stronger as I age so I can live a long life and enjoy every day!} 
• _{I am thankful for the ability to go on adventures. I have a “list” of things I want to do and I have been blessed with people who are willing to tag along. There have been some epic moments over the last year and I know there are more to come. Hang on this is going to be quite the ride!}
• _{I am thankful that I can tell my story. It is a hard story to tell and yet it has the imprint of love, goodness, faithfulness, and mercy etched in every sentence and word. My Heavenly Father is the ultimate author and I know He is not done writing my story. The best news…He isn’t done writing your story either and for that I am also thankful.} 

_{I have so much more that I could write and express when it comes to being thankful. Writing this post and also working on our pumpkins has caused me to realize that while grief has caused gratitude to be challenging it has truly deepened it. Gratitude is now something that I see differently, probably because when you experience loss you get a new perspective on just how precious time and life with those you love is. So again, I want to challenge you to write out your gratitude list. Then make it a habit to express your thankfulness to your Heavenly Father daily. It truly sets the tone for the day.} 

“Therefore my heart is glad and my spirit rejoices; my body also rests securely. For You will not abandon me to Sheol; You will not allow Your Faithful One to see decay. You reveal the path of life to me; in Your presence is abundant joy; in Your right hand are eternal pleasures.”

Psalm 16:9-11

WOW! This past week marked one year for the Reveal the Wonders blog. Insert quip here: “Time flies when you are having fun.” But can you really say that when you are walking through grief? Sure! I have had a lot of fun in the last year. I have made memories that are quite epic in the last year and yet within every epic moment and memory comes that pain. That pain that I am sure will be around forever because it is tied to missing Jason. He will always be a part of my life and a part of my heart. After-all, this is grief. It becomes part of you almost like every cell in your body has been reprogrammed to feel both deep sorrow and extreme joy at the same time. 

When I think back to last November all I can remember is still being in complete shock at what had happened and honestly feeling numb to what was going on around me. If you saw a smile on my face, chances are it was placed there on purpose and left intentionally until I could be alone to truly process what I was feeling.  I vividly remember walking through each day and yet there is very little I remember about each of those days. It was as if all I had the strength to do was get up, get ready and survive each day. But just barely surviving was what landed me on a one month sabbatical from work. It was during that month at home where I clearly heard the Lord ask me to write, to share and to be open and vulnerable with this journey. This is where, when and why the blog started and why I still write today. This journey is not over. I am still learning and growing and thus I am still sharing. 

So if I go back to last year, I can see that I was just a shell of the person I used to be and also a shell of the person I am today. I was lost and yet I knew exactly who to cling to for direction. I was broken and yet I knew who was in control of reassembling the pieces. I was exhausted, unable to really sleep and yet I knew who could provide true rest and refreshment. I was walking in full on deep grief. Yet, I was trying to find either the person I once was or trying to discover who I am without my first love. This journey led to all the “Why” and “What now” questions echoing in my heart and mind. 

Fast Forward to today: I recognize that I am different because grief and loss changes a person. I recognize that there are still whispers and shadows of the old me, but the new me that is emerging is pretty awesome! Both versions of me are strong, stubborn, sassy, and independent women. Both versions of me love their Heavenly Father, but the newer me understands on a deeper level just how gracious, faithful, and loving He truly is. This newer version of me keeps writing, sharing and being vulnerable on this journey.

If you knew the old me, I hope you have the opportunity to get to know the new me. She is learning to balance the tension between experiencing all the joy that life still has to offer with the sorrow of grief and loss that is still evident in daily life. You will find she has a new view of doing things, even if it means doing things afraid. Mostly because everyday is filled with something new, something different and something that she is experiencing for the first time alone. I hope you get to know the new me because more than anything she has a deep understanding of who holds her tomorrows, of who holds her hopes and dreams, and who has promised blessings to her. 

I want to leave you with some lyrics from a song by Toby Mac called “Faithfully”. It is part of his newest album Life after Death. The album is incredible, but this song truly expresses what this last 16 months has been like. Please don’t just read these lyrics, go look up the song and give it a listen!

“Every great story happened when someone decided not to give up.” 

Spryte Loriano

Grit and grace two words that seemingly are opposite and yet I do not think you have one without the other. You see I have been pushing myself past all the comfort zones I had left since May when I started working out. As I have been pushing myself in the gym I realized that it was going to take grit to push past what my brain was telling me daily and I was also required to extend myself some grace because let’s be honest I’m not 20 something anymore. Somewhere along the way my coach asked if I would be interested in doing a competition. I fought it for a few days and when I asked more questions I found out the date…10.22.22. Without hesitation I heard “ok, I will do it” coming from my mouth. When she asked why I said yes I explained that it was Jason’s birthday and that was the best way I could think to honor him. 

So on 10.22.22,  my amazing teammate and I competed in the Festivus Games. If you don’t know what these are you can find out more on their website. The community was incredible to witness. The day opened with the national anthem and a prayer. There were athletes of all shapes, sizes, ages and experience levels. The Festivus games are known for being a great competition for beginners but they do make space for more experienced athletes as well. 

This is where grit entered the competition. It took grit to train and actually show up after a full week of homecoming events and chaperoning the dance the night before the big day. It took grit to go all out and finish each of the WODs…mind over matter. My coach has told me over and over again that it is just as much of a mental game as it is physical and while I knew that was true I am not sure I fully understood that as an adult competitor until the day of the competition. 

Leading up to this competition I wondered if I could tap into that competitive nature that at one point drove me as a young athlete. You see, I loved to win and I loved the thrill of any competition. However, somewhere between May 2021 and today I lost that edge and winning became less important than the people around me. I think loss and grief have a way of redefining what is truly important and the thrill of the win was one of those redefined things for me. So naturally I was conflicted because I know I can challenge myself to do more, to lift more, but could I compete? This is where grace entered the competition.

It took grace to show up the day of the competition knowing that it was going to be a hard day, milestone days are always filled with conflicting emotions. You are excited and nervous about the new thing you are trying and yet you so long for that person to be standing there cheering you on when you look into the crowd. It also took grace to compete because while I am not mentally and physically where I was when I started this journey I am far from where I want to be but that is all part of this journey. So now you see how grit and grace took center stage at this competition. 

The results came in and here is where we ended up: I finished all the WODs, I hit a couple of PR’s, and much like every day since last July I chose grit over giving up. I chose to trust that my Heavenly Father would meet me in my weak areas and help me push through. I acknowledged the emotions of experiencing another adventure without my love. More importantly I learned a little more about grit and grace.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his  faithfulness is a shield and buckler.”

Psalm 91:1-4

Where have you been? Have you ever asked this question of someone? Or better yet, have you ever asked this question of yourself? You see, walking through grief and the loss of my husband I have realized that I am not the same person I once was. I am still the same old me, and yet I am a completely different person. See, the new me is hiding amongst the broken pieces. 

I grew up going on road trips and exploring new places and I still do, but I have found a new love for going places I have never been and finding the hidden adventures that exist just beyond the next curve in the road. There is just something about discovering new places, foods, and taking the scenic route home. It allows for one more song on the playlist, one more chapter from the audiobook, or even one more episode from your favorite podcast. I used to be the “plan all the things” type of a person, but now, after life’s most shattering loss I find comfort in approaching things without a color-coded and over thought out plan. 

Why is this shift important? I believe that it is important because it is expanding the view I have of my corner of the world. More than that it is helping me to grow and discover the new me piece by piece. This new version of me is still mostly unknown. In an effort to move forward and discover who this new person really is I am willing to try new things like working out and weightlifting. Here is the surprise, I am really enjoying it! I am constantly going and doing things…even if it is by myself.. I am making new memories. I am moving forward, not on. Yes there is a difference!

Moving forward is me trying these new things, new experiences and new foods while taking Jason’s memory with me. It is honoring him by acknowledging his role in my life and yet not shying away from making new memories without him. Moving on would be leaving Jason and his memory in the past and continuing to move forward without acknowledging his role in my life. Moving on and moving forward are often lumped together, and yet they are opposite. Moving forward would require me to take steps in my current situation. The visual I see is someone picking up their backpack and hiking through the woods. They are taking something with them as they travel. To me moving on seems to be when someone is literally standing up and walking away from the backpack. Essentially, in an effort to “make a new life” you leave behind all the things that remind you of the life with your person.

So why do I feel hidden? Like an ongoing game of hide and seek is being played and yet there is no winner. I believe it is because I am trying to find the new me. This new me can only be found amongst the broken pieces. This new me can only be found as my Heavenly Father picks up those pieces and creates a beautiful new masterpiece. This hidden me will take time to fully emerge from the hands of the creator. This new me is someone who grows with her grief because my Heavenly Father is walking with me every step of the way. The new me that is brave, strong, and capable of things I never thought possible. 

Friend, why are you hiding? Have you given your broken pieces over to your Heavenly Father yet? If not, go ahead, give them over to Him. You can trust Him with all of your broken pieces.