There is a seemingly understated place in northwest Alabama where the river sings and the leaves are changing. In this place the winding roads beg for exploration and the soundtrack to life keeps you moving. This place has a different speed, a different set of expectations, and a different way of life. You know the kind of place where you can literally sit in a rocking chair on the porch, drink your coffee and just be. This is the place I recently visited. This is the place my soul needed to start the fall.  

You see, life seems to always demand a pace that is just outside of sustainable. It begs you to stay busy and overcommitted and never lets up. Yet when you step away for a break and visit these seemingly understated places you are quickly reminded of what could be your daily pace if you would just make a few small adjustments. So, why is making those adjustments so difficult for us to do? What will we really miss out on by not saying yes to everything? 

Being in a place like this reminds me of when I traveled to Colorado this summer and stayed in the mountains by Pikes Peak. One morning as I was sitting on the deck watching the sunrise I saw a hummingbird. Normally when you see a hummingbird it is busily eating/drinking and moving from place to place. Its wings move so fast you can barely see them and their tiny bodies moving quickly forwards, backwards and side to side. But did you know that because of their wing to body ratio hummingbirds should not be able to fly? Yet they have overcome adversity to become quite adept at getting from place to place and acquiring their meals. 

That morning in Colorado was different. The hummingbird that I saw was perched on a branch close by just looking at me as I was looking at it. It was still and motionless, almost frozen. Then it flew off. It returned to perch again and then flew off yet again. This pattern repeated itself multiple times until it finally flew away. As I was left sitting there it occurred to me just like it has here in this place where the river sings that life can be busy, but all our Heavenly Father wants from us is to sit, be still, and draw near to Him. To build our relationship with Him. To sit in silence and solitude long enough for us to really hear what He has to say to us. 

Why? Why does it matter if we rest? Because how often does our Heavenly Father ask us to pause and rest or better yet pause and spend more time in His presence? I feel like He asks this of us more often than we are willing to recognize or even admit. We have created a culture of busy. We are constantly on the go and involved in so many things we barely take time to get quiet and rest. 

You see, I know a little about being busy and not resting because this is an area that is a challenge for me. I like to be busy. I love being involved in a variety of things. I love completing things on my checklist and I have recently been challenging myself to try new things. All these things are centered around me, and yet all my Heavenly Father is asking of me is my attention, my solitude, and my silence. If I am truly honest with myself, I think I would admit that I struggle with true quiet time, not just time “alone” or time without screens, books, etc, but that deep quiet to the core of your soul. Why? Probably because I am not sure what He will ask of me when I get truly quiet. Like I said, this is something I am working on and practicing. 

To help remind me to pause, I have a sticky note on my desk that reads: “SLOW DOWN! Who do you see? What do they need? How can I help?” These three questions are a reminder to rest. These three questions are a reminder to pause, get quiet, and listen for what my Heavenly Father is asking of me at that moment. These three questions are a reminder to look around at those around me to truly see them and their needs, just like in the story of the Good Samaritan.

Why is it difficult for us to slow down, to rest and to make space to hear all that our Heavenly Father has to say? Maybe it’s control, maybe it’s pride, maybe it’s an idol in this busy life that keeps us busy and distracted. When we dig down to understand why it will help us to release, rest, and get quiet.  

The Parable of the Good Samaritan – Luke 10:25 – 37

And behold, a lawyer stood up to put him to the test, saying, “Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” He said to him, “What is written in the Law? How do you read it?” And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” And he said to him, “You have answered correctly; do this, and you will live.” But he, desiring to justify himself, said to Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?” Jesus replied, “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who stripped him and beat him and departed, leaving him half dead. Now by chance a priest was going down that road, and when he saw him he passed by on the other side. So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was, and when he saw him, he had compassion. He went to him and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he set him on his own animal and brought him to an inn and took care of him. And the next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, ‘Take care of him, and whatever more you spend, I will repay you when I come back.’ Which of these three, do you think, proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?” He said, “The one who showed him mercy.” And Jesus said to him, “You go, and do likewise.”

7704 S. Peach was a special house. It was a one level home built in the late 70’s by my dad. It backed up to the woods and a creek that ran throughout the entire neighborhood.  In the front yard stood an oak tree and a pine tree tall and strong while we lived there and the pine tree is still standing today. While I resided at 7704 there were so many firsts. From learning to ride a bike to my first kiss on the front porch each one was special and played a pivotal role in who I am today. Most importantly while we resided at 7704, our family began going to church. Then, the best yes I ever said happened in my parents bedroom. This is where I met Jesus for the first time. It was truly the house that built me physically and spiritually. 

At 7704 I learned the importance of family. I learned all about football, soccer, softball, and basketball. I learned how to mow the yard and care for a home. My dad showed my sister and I how to make our special family chocolate chip cookie recipe! By the way, this recipe is alive and well and being perfected by yet another generation. While at 7704,  I learned about family game nights and holiday traditions. In this home I learned about love and relationships. 

7704 saw my 1st first date and my last first date. It saw my sister and I grow from two girls who loved playing basketball in the driveway, building forts in the woods, and playing in the creek to two young women dressing up for prom, graduating from high school, and preparing for weddings. 7704 was special. It was a steady constant that we could always return to and feel safe.

The other day, as I was doing yard work at 209 (my new place), I realized that this house is now playing a role in building me and helping me walk through my grief journey. 209 is helping to put the broken pieces back together to create a beautiful new picture of what life after an unexplainable loss looks like. It isn’t easy, it isn’t fun, but day by day the picture of what God is doing in my life now and what He is preparing me for in the future is becoming more clear. 

209 has seen many firsts already in just a couple of months of being our home. It is the first home I have lived in since Jason passed away. It is the home where I rescued my Hasty Bake grill from a garage timeout, meaning I can grill whenever I want. 209 is the home where I re-learned how to do yard work (including trimming – which I had never done before). It is the home where I hung lights around the deck to create a cozy outdoor space. 209 is the home where Abby and I will create new family traditions. It is the home where we will learn new things and there will be opportunities for many more firsts as we walk through this new season of life. 209 will be the house that helps to build the new me. 

Now, 7704 and 209 are physical homes that have and continue to play a role in my life, and yet I cannot help but think, shouldn’t God, or my relationship with Him be a home that builds me? If a home is where we find refuge, safety, strength, rest, and so on, those are all things that are promised to us in the Bible if we are in relationship with Christ.   

So technically, 7704 and 209 have played a supporting role in building me and all this time my relationship with my Heavenly Father has been what has built me. It has shaped me into the woman I am today. It has helped me to realize who I am. It has helped me navigate loss and process change. Continuing to seek Him and develop a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father has begun to reveal a renewed purpose and calling that He has planned for me. 

Oh, by the way no matter your age or stage in life He still has good things for you. He can use you to fulfill His purpose in your life if you are 7 or 77. He can use you to fulfill His purpose in your life if you are healthy or fighting for your life. He can use you to fulfill His purpose in your life if you are happy and full of joy or walking through a grief journey. He is never through using you to tell your story and proclaim His glory. 

Friend, what house built you and how are you allowing your relationship with your Heavenly Father to build you daily?

A quarter. A quarter of a century. Twenty five years sounds like a long time and yet it truly is not even long enough. While we didn’t make it to this milestone it still feels like we should have. We should be taking that epic trip that we had begun to plan. We should be going out for an amazing steak dinner and creme brulee dessert. We should be buying anniversary cards for each other or at least standing in the store, trying to find the perfect one to show him and then put it back because cards are so dang expensive. We should be having the conversation about why he should or shouldn’t buy me flowers or if he does, should he make an open show of it and deliver them to my work. Basically, we should be celebrating. 

Recently, I’ve had what seems to be days where it feels like something is missing more than usual. Normally, I would say I don’t know why, but this week is different. I know the reason behind the feeling. It is because there’s a milestone looming. It’s our wedding anniversary. It would have been 25 years on September 27th.  Since our 20th anniversary we have been talking and planning a big trip. You know one of those…“ Hey, you’ve made it to this epic wedding milestone!” kind of trips. But that all changed last July. 

So basically, there has been this feeling  in the back of my mind. A feeling where there’s not just something missing, but someone missing. Jason is missing. He was my someone to plan things with. He was the one I wanted to travel with. Most importantly he was the one I wanted to do all the things with. Yet, there is this missing piece. This Jason sized hole that I feel daily and yet it seems to get bigger on days like this. He was my person. He planned with me. He dreamed with me. He challenged me. He demonstrated God’s love for me daily. 

So what now? Do I celebrate what would have been? Do I plan an epic trip? Do I go out for a steak dinner? Or do I sit and remember? Do I allow the wave of grief to flood over me once again and mourn what once was? I genuinely want to know what the protocol is at this moment. Like what is proper? Who decides what is appropriate and acceptable? 

The answer is yes. Yes to all of it. I will have the steak dinner. I will plan an epic trip, although it may not look like what we would have done, I will go on an adventure and make new memories. I will continue to grieve and allow those waves to roll in and out, because with these waves come all the memories, and oh how I love all the memories. As to what the protocol is or what is proper, appropriate and acceptable, here is what I know, grief is personal. You get to decide what is right and wrong in your grief journey. You are in charge of what it looks and feels like for you and do not under any circumstances allow anyone to dictate what is right and wrong. 

So as I walk through this continued grief journey I have learned there is only one who can lead you and approve or disapprove of how you handle your grief journey. That is God. He is good. He is faithful. He will be with you in the valleys just as He is with you on the mountain tops. He will comfort you if you give all your cares, hurts, and disappointments to Him. 

So today I will celebrate. I will celebrate because I experienced love and because I made beautiful memories for 23 years of marriage and 4 years of dating. I will celebrate because Jason lived a life well lived and loved his family. Jason was an earthly example of our Heavenly Father’s love. So I will celebrate because I will see him one day soon. 

Jumping. On the ground it is something that either comes easily and naturally or something that you have to work towards accomplishing. Basically, you either have hops or you don’t. When skydiving, your “jump” is effortless and the experience is amazing.

If you would have asked me last year or even before if I wanted to skydive, I would have said never. In fact, that might have been my response to most adventure requests where there was even a hint of danger. Growing up I wanted to ensure that survival was guaranteed and that risk of injury or getting in trouble was at a minimum. Basically the opposite of “Carpe DIem”. So, when I went skydiving with a friend recently it meant that I was finally walking away from those childhood fears and living out “Carpe Diem”. The experience was amazing, incredible, epic, and I could go on and on. It was one of those types of moments that will not soon be forgotten. 

I am sure as you are reading this you might wonder why would I want to go skydiving or what kind of friend would say yes without hesitation to my request to join in on this adventure. First, I can say that the friend who said yes, is amazing and has had skydiving on her bucket list for a while but did not want to jump alone. She is the type of friend that you want to have with you on any adventure as she embraces life and is always up for trying almost anything. As for me, I can assure you that I am of sound mind. But I have recently determined that life is way too short to let fear talk you out of amazing experiences. Of course you need to use wisdom, but overall you should “Carpe diem” whenever you have a chance. Also, I can sum up my new outlook in one simple sentence: “After all I have survived over the last 15 months, jumping out of a plane is simple”. 

If you are married you might often wonder the big “what if” questions. What if they die, what if they lose their income, what if they get sick and I have to step in as caregiver…the list could go on and on. What you do with those thoughts is important. Do you take them captive and speak life and the Word of God over them or do you dwell on them allowing them to become the narrative for your life? If you allow these thoughts to become the narrative for your life you are allowing fear to rule your decisions. When fear is in charge you are not living your best “Carpe Diem” life. There are 365 verses in the Bible on fear. That is one for each day of the year! 

Now, I am not saying that if you say no to skydiving you are allowing fear to win and drive all of your life decisions. I fully understand that this kind of adventure is not for everyone. Although, it is a magnificent experience that I believe everyone should at least consider once in their life. For me it was an easy yes. It was an idea, followed by the “I can do that” thought, which was immediately followed by people saying, “have fun, that sounds crazy!” or my favorite “Why would you want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane?” Well, you want to jump out because at 11,000 feet the views are breathtaking. You want to jump because as you free fall at 120+ MPH it actually feels like you are floating. You want to jump because after the parachute deploys you could (if you want to) literally control the intensity of the experience. I chose the scenic route to our landing zone because where we live is beautiful. It was green because of recent rains and the water on the lake was breathtaking. You want to jump because when you land you realize that you in fact really did just jump out of a perfectly good airplane just to have an incredible experience that cannot be duplicated on the ground. 

This adventure was not without the push and pull of opposing emotions. There was joy and sorrow. There was excitement and fear. There was happiness and tears. Yep, I found myself crying in the plane on the way up to 11,000 feet. Not because of the fear of leaving the plane, but because it was one of those memories that Jason would have loved to experience or even just supported me by being part of an amazing ground crew! As I wiped away the tears I watched the ground get farther and farther away and before I knew it we reached max altitude and my friend was preparing to jump. It was exciting seeing her so ready for this experience and her overall zeal for adventure. She truly lives out “Carpe Diem” in a way that is beautifully intertwined with our Heavenly Father. 

Sharing this experience with you can be boiled down to this: life is meant to be lived. Will there be opposing emotions? Yes. Will there be opportunity for fear to creep in? Yes. Will there be opportunities for you to take a leap of faith? Yes. In all of these things here is what I have learned: you can experience joy after loss. You can walk in faith after experiencing seemingly unanswered prayers. You can “Carpe Diem” even when your person is no longer by your side. 

So what is on your bucket list? If nothing, WHY? Is it fear? I’m here to tell you that you can push aside that fear, lean into the peace of your Heavenly Father and walk in faith. You can have adventure even after experiencing a big loss. Trust me…I know. I am already planning my next adventure!

Dear reader…it’s time for your next adventure!

Aguante is a Spanish word that I have recently learned. Aguante, when translated, means strength, endurance, stamina, grit, and guts. 

Aguante is a word that beautifully encapsulates the journey I have been on for the last year. At any given time over this past year I have had to dig deep to find and/or display each of these. 

There have been countless times where I have felt ill equipped to fill the role as head of our household, I have felt ignorant about various areas dealing with the home and vehicles, and more than anything I have felt a tangible weakness as I navigate going through this life without my partner. 

You see as a stubborn, independent woman these new feelings are very disorienting to me. I’m not used to feeling weak, ignorant and ill equipped. I’m not used to it, nor am I good at asking for help. And yet over the last year I have found myself in situation after situation where I was being challenged to seek help. Plus, I have been challenged to put my “aguante” to the test more times than I can count. 

People often comment on how strong I am followed by the typical, “I could not imagine” or “I could not do it”. While that is a compliment to my “aguante”, what I want to say most of the time is, “Please do not spend your time imagining you and your family as the characters in my scenario” or “I pray you never have to walk this road I am currently walking”. But I don’t say those words, because I am not sure how people will respond to such blunt honesty. 

I truly never imagined I would ever be a widow before a more “acceptable” age, but here I am. At some point early in my grief I realized that I had two choices: curl up on the couch getting bitter and blaming God or get up, trust that His word is true, that He is faithful and move forward one painful step at a time. Well, if you are reading this blog you know which one I chose. I made this choice somewhat subconsciously at first. I am not a quitter and I do not give up, so clearly option 1 was a no-go. But I also chose option 2 because it ignited a faith, a boldness, and other qualities that had been lying dormant within me. It also was the best option to honor Jason and how he would have wanted me to live my daily life with or without him. So, I “aguante”! Most days it’s easy, but there are some days where the grief is heavy. Maybe you know those grief days very well. For me, these are the days where the emotions and heaviness of the situation seems to be like a boulder tied around my neck while I am walking through quicksand. Yet time after time in the deepest of my grief moments. My Jesus has met me, shouldered the burden and walked alongside me. He has shown His love for me though my community, my family, an unexplainable peace, and a seemingly unending supply of “aguante” just as it talks about in Isaiah 40:27-31.

“Israel, why then do you complain that the Lord doesn’t know your troubles or care if you suffer injustice? Don’t you know? Haven’t you heard? The Lord is the everlasting God; he created all the world. He never grows tired or weary. No one understands his thoughts. He strengthens those who are weak and tired. Even those who are young grow weak; young people can fall exhausted. But those who trust in the Lord for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles; they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak.”

Today I want to challenge you to build up your “aguante”. Build up your faith. Build up your peace. Find areas in your life where you need to take the step toward your Jesus. Take time to read His word. Take time to pray. Take time to sit in silence and solitude and listen to what He has to say to you. 

Maybe you have heard His voice and you have an action step. Be bold. Be brave. Aguante up my friends, it is time to LiveStrong!

Home. I had previously written on the concept of home and how to find it when all the familiar has been suddenly lost. Here are my thoughts now that I have been on this journey for a year. 

Home is who you fill your life with daily. 

Recently I took a trip. I know this seems to be a common theme to when I am able to write or discover big things about myself, but there is something about getting away to reflect. If you do not do this, please try to make space and go, even if it is to your neighborhood park. A change of scenery, or rather a change of perspective is always a good boost to your writing game. Anyway, as I was driving home I was reflecting on all the experiences that were in the rear view mirror and smiled. It was so much fun to spend time with family and friends in the mountains. It was much cooler than my home town at the time which just sweetened the journey. The two core reasons for the trip were to help my mom load a moving truck to come home and also take time to remember Jason and how much he loved the mountains, nature and boost oxygen (if you know, you know).

So many new memories made and yet the thought still lingering in my head and heart was how much I wish he was with me. I know that thought will continue to be a part of each day and experience that is yet to come because he will always be a part of me. That being said, it should never stop me from making new memories and experiencing life to the fullest daily. 

Do you allow your loss and grief to paralyze you? I pray you do not. 

Anyway, back to the topic of home. When you are driving back to 100*+ temperature plus humidity from an average temperature of about 72* with zero humidity it really makes you think about why you are living where you are currently residing. It can also make you pause in your excitement to return to the hotter climate. I know I did. It was a struggle to pack up and leave. I was comfortable. I was enjoying my time in the mountains. But, real life was calling me back. 

So as we are driving back “home” it made me really think about why I wouldn’t just up and move to the mountains. After all, it is just me. I could find a church, a job, a place to live easily…right? Then it hit me. My people. My community. The people that have walked with me, supported me and helped to shoulder the burden of grief over the last year would not make that move with me. I would literally be leaving home to establish a new home alone.

Nope. Not going to do it! I could not imagine doing life without these people. My family (included in the group above) lives fairly close together and we make an effort to get together and celebrate often. Almost all my friends live close to me as well or are a quick text, call, or FaceTime away and we try to communicate often. So would I be willing to make a new state, a cooler climate, amazing views, and nature my new “home” and leave the community I am a part of behind? No. 

As I was driving and really thinking about all of the above, I finally realized what the phrase “Home is where the heart is” truly means. It means that if my heart is with the people in my life that is where I will feel most at home. If they travel with me to the mountains that will feel like home. If I am sweating it out in the lowlands and they are with me, I am at home. 

So, this flatland girl is staying put and I will continue to build and lead into my community. I am learning the importance of being real and vulnerable in relationships and how it leads to deeper friendships and family ties. I am learning that helping others to see the need for community and helping them get connected are a couple of the drivers in my life’s purpose.

There, I said it. I have discovered part of my renewed purpose in life. That purpose is to help women around me discover their need for community and also help them build it for themselves. I should add that at this time I feel drawn to widows, mainly because this is the journey I am currently walking out and helping those in the same place feels right. We need each other. We understand each other on a level that most people do not.

Where is your home? Who is your home? Do you have a community to share your home with? If not, what steps can you take today to build that community around you? 

If you are struggling to find or build community, ask God to lead you to people that you could invite into your circle. Be bold and ask people if they’d be open to living a more authentic and vulnerable life with you. A place where you can have friends that will listen, that will cheer for you and will cry with you. That is where you will find your home.

Sometimes you see those cute, decorative wooden signs and they make you laugh. Other times you see them and they really hit home. Recently I went to a craft and home show and found some wooden signs from a particular vendor. I purchased three different signs. Here is what they said and the why behind each purchase.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray.”

I chose this sign because when I was little this is a song that my dad sang to me and my sister. It was special. Then when Abby was born, he sang it to her as well. Since he has been gone for 15 years it is something that reminds me of him and in the moments that I look at the words it quickly takes me back to when I was a little girl. I hear his voice singing this song over myself and my sister. I see the harvest gold and avocado green that adorned our 70’s home, I hear the crackle of the intercom speakers as an 8-track player blasted Willie Nelson throughout our home. There are few songs, smells, and memories that are this vivid from my childhood, but this one, I will keep this one and remember every time I look at this sign. 

“I love to tell the story”

This sign has this phrase painted over a piece of sheet music from this old hymn. This one stuck out to me because that is what this platform is for, to tell my story…to tell our story. In addition to this platform I truly love to tell my story because while it is hard and sad, it is also full of the grace, mercy, goodness, and faithfulness of my Heavenly Father. He has never left me or forsaken me. His Word is just as true today as the day it was originally written. I have this sign hanging above my desk between photos of Jason and the painting I did at Christmas for our Abby and I. It is a special place because when I look up from my desk I see things that remind me of Jason. Remembering Jason helps me to remember the reason why I share our story, it also helps me to remember all the moments where God has met me and provided peace, comfort, healing, and joy.

“Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought life would be like and learn to find joy in the story you’re living.”

I had seen this sign at a specific vendor’s home store in Colorado a couple of weeks before seeing it in their booth at the show, but seeing it again, in that moment, the words almost screamed at me from their wooden frame. As I read it I felt every word. 

You see, up until last July I had a picture of what my life was going to be like. I had a plan and I had a dream. Then, July 7 happened. It truly rocked me to the core, because everything I had known…my best friend, my love, my husband was gone. Nothing was the same and everything was the same. Nothing in my life was normal and yet everyone around me seemed to be experiencing normal. So, slowly in the moments after and every day since I have had to make a choice. I have had to choose joy. I have had to choose to get up and press forward no matter how much it hurts or how empty I felt. I had to get up and choose to press into the presence of my Heavenly Father where I knew I could find peace, comfort, love, and a joy that could not be taken away or diminished. 

This sign is in my bedroom. It is in a place where I see it daily. It is a reminder to me that while my life now looks nothing like what I thought it would, it is still a beautiful story that is daily and in every moment being redeemed and rewritten by my Heavenly Father. 

So what would your sign say, where would you hang it, and why?

Even if you do not have a sign yet, you can still answer this because we all have quotes, confessions, or scriptures that resonate with us. These sayings can help us to remember a specific moment or moments in time. These moments may be positive or negative, but know this…both types shape who you are. 

His name is Jason. His name was Jason.

Two statements that describe both past and present just by changing one simple verb. This verb does not describe action, it describes a state of being.

When describing a person the verb “is” holds promise. For me it holds the promise of a future. For me it holds the potential for making memories. For me it holds all things in the present and current events. I am still young, so I have a lot of memories to make and time in front of me. Hope is key to continuing to still be able to use “is” in my daily vocabulary.

When describing a person the verb “was” holds memories. For me it holds the past close. For me it encapsulates all that I describe after it as special. For me it keeps everything after “was” in a place of honor. I have so many special memories with Jason. In fact, I have 28 years full of memories. There are special places, special events, and special food that we shared throughout our time together. We truly grew up together. There is not a single day that goes by that I do not miss him and wish that we had one more day together. If we had that day, I would take time to talk, go for a drive, and just be with each other. He had a way of making me laugh like no one else could. He knew what I was thinking and feeling with just a single look and was able to ask the questions to get to the issue. But more than any of that, he had a beautiful relationship with God and frequently challenged me to see my Heavenly Father the way he saw Him.

So see, those two opening statements hold both past and present just by changing a simple verb. 

As of today, I am one year into this grief journey. A journey where I have added the labels of widow and single mom. Grief is so personal and different based on the individual, but I wanted to share some of the things I have learned along the way and why I think they are important. Just know that a lot of these, for me, are still a work in progress. 

• Grief is big no matter what loss you experienced.
  • This is so true. I have lost people in my life and my grief was big each time. Never underestimate or compare your loss to that of someone else. Your feelings are valid and so is the size of your grief. 
• Grief is personal. No two people walk through grief the same, even if the deaths they experience are similar.
  • This. Please do not compare yourself to someone else. I did this in the early days and then realized that it was dumb. I am not the same person as anyone, so why would my grief or the way I grieve be the same?
• Grief is not on a neat and tidy timeline. It is ongoing.
  • All journeys come with high points and low points. Grief ebbs and flows based on so many things that it cannot be packaged into a 5 or 7 step process.
  • They say that grief gets smaller over time. I believe that instead of the grief shrinking, we learn to grow around our grief and that is what makes it seem smaller. So be patient with yourself and others who are grieving. It is an ongoing process.
• Grief can be lonely, but you do not have to be. Engage in community.
  • I cannot express this enough. You can do life alone, but to do life well everyone needs people. You need them for support or even just to be a sounding board. So find 1, find 15, or somewhere in between and build or engage in community.
• Some things cannot be “fixed”.
  •  Most of the time you don’t need a “fixer”, you just need someone to talk to, to pray with, or just sit with and be your true self.
  • You may have to express your needs to someone. Your need for a listener and not a fixer. Your need for a friend and not a boss in your life.
  • There are fixers out there that want nothing more than to help, but often on the most grief-filled days you just need someone to be there and not try to fix things. Do not shy away from expressing what you need. 
• In the early days make sure there are people around you to remind you to eat food, drink water, and rest. 
  • I thought this was annoying sometimes, but when it stopped, I found myself wondering when the last meal or snack was that I had. So, this is when having people around me was critical. I still had someone to care for, so I needed food and water to be able to function, even if it was at 5%. 
  • If you need help remembering to eat, consider keeping a food journal so you can see what you ate and when you ate last.
• In the early days and other days along your grief journey, your brain will be mush and even the most simple decisions are overwhelming. 
  • I have described this feeling as the “jello mold” and that is still the best way to explain how I felt. It truly felt as if the world was speeding past and I was stuck in slow motion. I kindly told my family and friends in the early days that I was not making any decisions, because it was exhausting and overwhelming. For example, I didn’t want to decide what was for dinner, I just needed food. 
• Go to counseling, open up, and be honest. Do the hard work of processing.
  • Counseling is a safe space for me to talk and express all that I need to express without judgment. Counseling is a place where I have processed thoughts and experiences throughout this first year. What I love most about my counselor is that for the time we spend talking she encourages me, challenges me, but more than anything she always brings it back to the Word. She lays a foundation of scripture and relates what we are talking about to the Word and that is always refreshing. I have learned so many new things about my Heavenly Father this year. He experienced emotions, He asked the hard questions, and He asked why. If you are a believer, find a Christian counselor in your area or ask your church who they recommend. Then go.
• Do not take offense to anything that is/is not said to you or done/not done for you.
  • Being offended is easy, but it will also prevent you from receiving God’s best in your life. Most people you will encounter have never walked through the trauma and grief that you are experiencing. They will not know the best things to do or say. It is ok. They mean well and in most cases they want the absolute best for you. So, give them a break and don’t take offense. Help them understand what bothered you so they can grow as well! This is how we can help normalize the topic of grief!
• Milestone days have been easy to prepare for but the moments of surprise grief have been the most difficult. 
  • You know the kind. The days where you are on the bread aisle in the store and feel like the walls are closing in and you cannot exit the building fast enough. These moments are hard. These moments have taken my breath away and forced me to find ways to focus. For me, it helps to listen to worship music, to read various passages in the Bible, and sometimes to take a short, power nap. 
  • You cannot plan for these surprise moments, but you can develop questions or actions that can help you get through the moment. Questions that help you get to the root of what triggered the memory. Questions that will help you process the grief in that moment so the next time will be easier.
  • Not all milestone days will suck. Some you will be able to enjoy and make new memories with your people and yet still feel the void of your person. This is still a picture of the place where joy and sorrow beautifully intertwine. 

Is and was. When I look at those words it makes me miss the person I was before the loss of my husband. I miss her hopes, I miss her dreams, I miss her plans, I miss her optimism, I miss her deep joy and laughter. I just miss her. 

At the same time, when I look at those words I see a new person who is still being discovered. She is full of hope, she is beginning to dream new dreams, she is making plans, she still has joy and is learning to laugh again. She is stronger than she thought she was, she is braver than before, and she can walk boldly into each day knowing that her Heavenly Father is already there and has provided for her every need. 

Is and was. When I look at those words it makes me remember who my Heavenly Father was and is. He was a comforter in my deepest pain and loss, He was the healer, He was the good Father that brought blessings, He was faithful, He was kind, He was patient, and He was waiting for me to come to Him with all that I needed.  Yet He still is all of those things and the best part is that I know that He is. In fact He was, He is and will always be! How comforting to know that regardless of what is going on in our world our Heavenly Father is the same yesterday, today, and forever. 

Is and was two statements that describe both past and present just by changing one simple verb. This verb does not describe action, it describes a state of being.

I will always remember us this way. 

From our first date until the last day we spent together you had my heart. I didn’t admit it for a while, but eventually I did. You were the first to say “I love you”. I think you always knew we would end up together, even though you never held that over me as an “I told you so”.

We loved movies. We made history when we went to see Jurassic Park on opening day and you proposed right before we saw Courage Under Fire. We talked on the phone for hours on end, draining the batteries in the cordless phone handset. We wrote letters to each other, like on paper with pen and/or pencil.

You played music for me and stretched what I listened to way beyond my typical country genre. I learned about Metallica, Beastie Boys, and so many more but my favorite always remained Garth Brooks. You loved music and you had a playlist for different situations or knew the best album to load when you needed to just go mow the lawn. I now know that this was Metallica or Five Finger Death Punch most of the time and when that was playing it was all out war on the lawn. On a road trip you and Abby would play a wide variety of artists and songs, but you loved the soundtrack to The Greatest Showman.

You went on family vacations with us and I visited you in Tampa. We had fun exploring, making memories and spending time together. As we grew older we loved road trips because it allowed us to see places we would only fly over in an airplane. For our 20th anniversary we visited Las Vegas, but we took day trips to Valley of Fire State Park, Hoover Dam, and our favorite the Grand Canyon. Being able to see and experience God’s creativity in nature was so much fun. You had plans for us to return to the canyon and explore it from the river below to really grasp what 1 mile down really looks like. One day, I will do this in your memory and it will be amazing. 

Most of the time our date nights were dinner and a movie or just a drive to talk and dream. I will forever remember these moments because there is something special about sitting next to the one your soul loves and dreaming together of future adventures. 

Our greatest adventure was raising Abby. She is so much like you but wrapped in a package that looks like me. She is sweet, caring and spicy. She is opinionated and stubborn like both of us. She loves God with every fiber of her being. You would be so proud of her today. She has a dream and she is chasing after that with your tenacity and grit. 

I will always remember the little moments where you held my hand. It made me feel safe, loved, and valued. In fact, I remember the first time we held hands. I will always remember us holding hands.

I will always remember the way you looked at me. Your striking blue eyes that sparkled because you were up to something, had a funny thought cross your mind, or just the way you looked at me with all the love you had. It was why I never wanted to blink or close my eyes when I looked at you. I didn’t want to miss a look or a moment. I will always remember the way you looked at me.

I will always remember our drives. Whether our dives took us around town or to a different state we had the best conversations. We were focused, we didn’t have any work distractions, we had space to dream, we took time to cast vision, and make plans. I loved every moment in the car with you even if “Pam” from Google Maps took us the long way around. I will always remember our drives.

I will always remember the milestone moments in our relationship. From the first date, to the engagement, our wedding day and the anniversaries you made each day special. I never needed flowers, gifts, jewelry, or things. I always needed you. Life without you seems bland and boring. Colors aren’t as vibrant and jokes aren’t as funny. God has a plan for my life without you, but I will always remember our milestones, they are some of my most precious memories of us.

While I have memories, pictures, and videos to help me remember you and your smile. I am starting to forget things. Life is cruel this way. I am able to remember the big things, but the small things like your voice, your laugh, your smile, the smell of your cologne, and your favorite joke slip away way too quickly from my memory. It makes you feel like a distant memory instead of someone that I will carry in my heart for eternity. 

You were my first love. You were my first kiss and the first man I wanted to grow old alongside. We learned so much about life together. We grew up together and I know I am who I am today because of you. 

I will always remember us this way. It seems fitting to leave you with the words from one of my favorite songs that sums everything up so perfectly.

“Looking back On the memory of The dance we shared ‘Neath the stars above For a moment All the world was right But how could I have known That you’d ever say goodbye And now I’m glad I didn’t know The way it all would end The way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I’d have had to miss the dance Holding you I held everything For a moment Wasn’t I the king? If I’d only known How the king would fall Hey, who’s to say You know I might have changed it all And now I’m glad I didn’t know The way it all would end The way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I’d have had to miss the dance It’s my life, it’s better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I’d have had to miss the (dance).”

“The Dance” by Garth Brooks

The final thought I want to leave you with is the most impactful one that I have learned this year. I have learned that Jason will always be a part of me. Going into marriage at barely 21, I did not know the adventures, joy, and pain that would follow. Some might say that “Love conquers all”, but I am here to tell you that it is only the love of my Heavenly Father that conquers all. It also covers and redeems all.

If you are struggling to find joy, if you are struggling to understand why, if you are struggling through all the emotions of grief know that God’s love is the source of your joy,. His love is the answer to all the why’s. His love provides the ultimate peace and comfort in the midst of your grief.

Do not hesitate to make new memories while holding onto the ones that are precious. Do not hesitate to ask the hard questions. Do not hesitate to embrace joy even while acknowledging your sorrow.

I will always remember us this way.

Love you boo.

*Disclaimer: This post is about tattoos. I do not know your personal opinion of tattoos, nor am I trying to change your mind. I am merely sharing my why and a little behind the meaning and personal significance of my favorites.

I am not sure where you stand on tattoos, but I have them and each one signifies something specific, someone special, or marks a moment in time. For example, I have a J followed by Morse Code for S (…). I Chose this last summer because I needed a reminder not of my love for Jason because that was and continues to be deep and everlasting. I also did not choose it to remind me of the fight we were fighting. I chose this as a reminder to choose joy, to embrace the journey, and to always lean on Jesus. The Morse Code for S (…) because it has three dots. These dots signify each person in our little family, Jason, Me and our girl. Of course the added bonus now is that it can remind me of the life and love we shared for 28 years. I must say that this tattoo is one of my favorites. It is simple and yet elegant. It wasn’t something I found on Pinterest or a Google search. It was hand drawn on me the moment I stood in the tattoo shop. So now you know why this one is special.

If you know me personally, then you know this is not my only tattoo. I have several others ranging from beautiful flowers, to an outline of glasses frames, a heart, a note in my dad’s handwriting, and also two words that read: even if… just to name a few! Again, each one holds a special meaning to me. I have never just gone to get a tattoo of something that wasn’t meaningful or in a way memorialized those I loved and still love.

Now that you understand my why on tattoos, I want to talk about marigolds. When you research the meaning of marigolds, you get some of the following: 

• Marigolds represent power, strength, and light.
• The marigold is very often associated with the sun.
• Marigolds in a tattoo can signify grief.
• Marigolds are the October birth flower.
• Marigolds can signify devotion, commitment.

Marigolds are those beautiful flowers that you typically see in the big pots or barrels in front of people’s homes. I typically notice them the most in the fall, though they bloom in other seasons as well. They come in vibrant yellows, oranges, and deep reds among other colors. They always make quite the impact on the landscape where they are planted while they are in bloom.

Jason’s life was way too short. That being said, he made an impact in the landscape where he was planted. He was intentional to sow into others lives so that his legacy would far outlast him. He was strong, his light was bright (even if his wardrobe did not reflect it), and he deeply loved his Heavenly Father. So, in honor of Jason, I have added a marigold to the memorial “garden” I am planting on my arm. It is a continual work in progress, but each flower, each tattoo is meaningful and I can point to them and tell you the story of each one.

So, why would my newest piece be a marigold? 

• Jason’s birthday was in October. 
• I have been on a grief journey since last July.
• I will always remember the devotion and commitment that we shared in our relationship.
• I have and will continue to remain devoted and committed to my Heavenly Father. No death can sway my belief that He is good, that He is faithful, and that He always keeps His promises.
• Power, Strength and Light are all wonderful descriptors of my Heavenly Father. He is omnipotent, He is strength all the time and gives us strength when we need it the most, and He is light because where He is there can be no darkness.

Again, this is not a commercial endorsing tattoos. I will leave that decision and discussion to you and your family. This is just a little peek into my why. A look into some of the special memories that I carry with me daily.

How do you choose to remember moments and remember those you have loved and still love today?

How do you choose to remember how much your Heavenly Father loves you and wants to be the power, strength, and light in your life?