Quiet. Silence. Stillness. Sometimes these words can strike fear. Fear of being alone in your thoughts and with your true self. Fear of being truly quiet and hearing your Heavenly Father speak to you. But sometimes these words can bring calm. They can be a welcome invitation to sit in solitude and receive what your soul and spirit needs the most…refreshment.

Currently at my church we are beginning a season of fasting as we approach Easter. During this season I have felt the need to experience more quiet, more silence, and more stillness. I have felt the call to lean in to hearing what my Heavenly Father is speaking to me. To accomplish this, I feel led to lean in by removing distractions. In light of this I have decided to fast from a few things such as posting blogs, checking and posting on social media, and more. I am making an effort to usher in more quiet, more silence, and more stillness in an effort to make space to hear from my Heavenly Father. After this post, there will not be another post until the week of April 17.

What can you do to incorporate more quiet, more silence, and more stillness into your daily routine? What do you need to put aside to make space to hear from your Heavenly Father? 

Some examples of digital fasting:

• Social Media (Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, TikTok, Snapchat, YouTube, etc)
• Screens of any kind (TV, tablet, phone, computer- outside of work)
• Podcasts/audible/kindle – take a break and read a physical book or your Bible

There are other ways to fast or empty the busy space and clear the way to fill up with the word. Fasting from food (make sure this is medically safe for you and you speak with your doctor before beginning), spending, or anything the Lord is laying on your heart to give up are additional ways to participate in the fast. Fasting is really just removing the distractions and replacing them with time in the word so you can be filled.  Remember we want to take intentional time to worship, pray and seek the Lord during this time of fasting. Will you join me? 

Below is a song that sets the tone for engaging in some quiet, silence, and stillness. In fact, it ends with quiet space to help you get started. Give it a listen!

“Quiet” by Elevation Worship

Here we go again, my mind racing

And I can’t seem to win

All these crazy thoughts and feelings

It’s like it never ends

Until Your voice breaks through my noise

And I know I’m not alone, not alone

You will fight my battles

If I will just be still

Why would I keep running

When You’re right here?

I’ll just be quiet

And let You speak through the silence

Here I am, no more hiding

You are in this moment, I won’t fight it

I’ll be quiet

I don’t need to know what comes next

Tomorrow’s in Your hands

I can trust You with my future

‘Cause You’re already there

I hear Your voice call me forward

And I know I’m not alone, not alone

Away with the distractions

I wanna hear what’s true

The only words that matter

They come from You

I’ll just be quiet

And let You speak through the silence

Here I am, no more hiding

You are in this moment, I won’t fight it

I’ll be quiet

I’ll just be quiet

And let You speak through the silence

Here I am, no more hiding

You are in this moment, I won’t fight it

I’ll be quiet

Quiet

God, You’re here in the silence

Here I am, no more hiding

You are in this moment, I won’t fight it

I’ll be quiet

Often there are moments in life that shake you to the core. They make you rethink everything and even make you question certain beliefs. What do you do when you find yourself in moments like these? Do you hide? Do you sleep? Do you lean in to what you hold true? Do you ask the questions and talk it out with trusted people or qualified professionals?

Here is what I know. I leaned in. I questioned everything, I talked with trusted people and I even found a qualified professional that has been amazing. We have all heard the phrase that these moments can make you bitter or make you better, but I believe it goes deeper than just that cliche phrase. For Christians it is a core spiritual challenge. Are you going to continue to trust God and what He has promised in His word even if…? Or, are you going to blame God for what has happened and turn from Him? 

I can reflect on when I lost my dad 15 years ago and tell you that on the surface I was all fine and dandy, but deep down I was blaming God for not healing him. I felt as though He was not answering my prayers and the prayers of my family and friends. Then when, walking through everything with Jason, on the surface it appeared once again as though my prayers and the prayers of our family and friends were left unanswered. There have been countless other examples of friends and families walking through other situations where you could say on the surface it appeared that God was not answering prayers. But was He?

I can only speak to my situations of walking through the loss of my dad and my husband. In both situations both men were walking with God, they were confessing their healing, they both quoted scripture and said that they would “live and not die and declare the mighty works of the Lord”. But they died. Does that mean that they are no longer declaring the mighty works of the Lord? Does that mean that they are no longer living? No. The legacy and impact that they made on those around them ensures that they will continue to live. The people that they made an impact on and those that received Christ as a result of their life ensures that the mighty works of the Lord continue and outlast both of their earthly bodies. 

More than anything I would love to still have my daddy and Jason with me daily, but the reality of what their earthly bodies would have had to recover from would mean that they would not physically be able to be the person that they were before their illnesses ravaged their bodies. Then the toll that would have taken on them mentally and spiritually ensures that they would not have been the same active, fun loving, dad-joke telling men that loved me and others so well. So, God answered prayers. They both received the ultimate healing and are truly living in heaven. 

All of this to say, what do we do when we are faced with these moments that dare us to challenge our beliefs? Ask the questions, seek the Lord for the answers. You may not get a clear revelation, but what you will find is peace in the unknown of life after loss.

Recently, I have realized that while I am the same person, I am most certainly different. I recently reviewed some responses I gave to questions from the fall of 2020. As I was reading through I realized that I am not longer the person who wrote those responses, and yet I am. I can see that girl was confident, she was happy, she was in love. This is not the same person writing this post today. This girl today is confident, she is happy, and she will always be in love, but she is different. This girl today is confident that her Savior is there in every moment. This girl today knows that her Savior is always good and He is always faithful. This girl today is happy, because her needs are met, she has a community of strong people that support her, and a family that loves her. This girl is in love and will always be in love. She loves her husband even though he is no longer by her side, he will always hold a special place in her heart. 

I have also found a new joy in adventure. I used to be the planner, the play it safe kind of a person. Recently something has changed. I find that I a new excitement when I am planning or thinking about new adventures. As I type this I am on a plane to a destination that I haven’t visited for several years. Adventure is awaiting me and although I am traveling alone for the first time I find that I am nervously excited about what lies ahead. Isn’t that what life should be like? 

There is a song that talks about living like you were dying. Doing all the things and making the most of every moment. This is now my advice to people. Do all the things, say all the things, and make the most of every moment because you truly do not know when you will have those moments again. 

To my family and friends – hold on this year is going to be one for the books! It will be amazing and I pray that you all are ready. This play it safe planner will be doing things she has never done before. Will you go on an adventure with me? I hope so! 

What do the words steal, kill and destroy mean to you?

If you are like me they may have meant different things in different seasons and stages of life. However, have you ever seemingly experienced all three at the same time? I have.

I am in the middle of a Bible study with a small group. There was a question in the study guide that asked us to reflect on the verse John 10:10. It wasn’t until I took time to sit and reflect that I realized that I had walked through all three of these at the same time last year, and yet I felt and still feel like I am living life to the fullest. 

Now, I do not proclaim to be a Bible scholar and this verse, well any verse really, could be used to describe or fit just about any scenario, but I truly felt like the Lord was showing me a real life example. Let me share with you:

The thief comes only to:

• Steal – the enemy stole a life, a marriage, a future
• Kill– the enemy killed a husband, a father, a son, a brother, an uncle, and all the other important relationships Jason held dear.  The enemy also killed the future plans we had, his business dreams, and so much more.
• Destroy– the enemy destroyed a young, vibrant man serving his community and God’s kingdom, the enemy destroyed a family unit, the enemy destroyed hopes, joy, and peace.

But God didn’t let the scripture end there. He wrapped it up and redeemed the situation with one short phrase: I came so that they could have life. He then goes on to say that He came so they could live life to the fullest. 

Wait. How, when the thief is doing all he can to steal, kill and destroy can we live our fullest life? This is the best part, because HE came and paid the ultimate price, we are covered in His protection, His life, and His resurrection power. 

You see, even though the thief came here is what I know:

• Steal – the enemy stole a life, a marriage, a future.
  • This was a tragic situation and heartbreaking for me. Jason was my dude, my love of a lifetime. He was my safe place to be myself. Now, I live life to the fullest because I know who holds my life, and also because I know it will be a short break until we see each other again. But more than that, I know the Lord said He would be with me wherever I go. 
  • In Proverbs the word says that He will be like a friend that sticks closer than a brother, I can have faith and rest knowing He goes before me and He is with me. He is my hope and strength for tomorrow.
• Kill– the enemy killed a husband, a father, a son, a brother, an uncle, and all the other important relationships Jason held dear. The enemy also killed the future plans we had, his business dreams, and so much more.
  • While the enemy killed my husband’s body he did not take his spirit. Jason was a believer. More than that he was a Christ follower, a true disciple. He loved reading the word and learning all the intricate details of scripture. 
  • Yes, the enemy killed my future plans with Jason. But he did not and will not prevent me from dreaming. Now I have a new purpose, a new plan and new dreams for an amazing future. 
  • He also killed the relationship I had with Jason here on earth, but I look forward to the day we are reunited with Christ for all eternity. 
• Destroy– the enemy destroyed a young, vibrant man serving his community and God’s kingdom, the enemy destroyed a family unit, the enemy destroyed hopes, joy, and peace.
  • Yes, the enemy took Jason out of the game. What the enemy did not see coming was the response I would have and how I would continue to stand strong in God’s word. The enemy did not take into account the legacy Jason left and the impact he made on those around him daily. 
  • While he destroyed my hopes and dreams of a beautiful forever with my high school sweetheart he cannot take away eternity. 
  • Yes, he took my joy and peace for a season, but God. God has been faithful to restore my joy and peace. He has been so good, so patient, and so caring as I seek Him in my grief. Friend, He will do the same for you.

Overall, I want you to see that God brings life not death and destruction. All the life that our Heavenly Father infuses into us when we accept Him allows Him to cover all that the enemy has stolen or will try to steal from you and I. The bonus is that once we accept Him we will be able to spend eternity in heaven. I often think of the line from the movie Braveheart, “They may take our lives, but they will never take our freedom.” As a believer our quote could be something like, “The enemy may take everything, kill everyone, destroy our life, but He can never take our eternity.”

I don’t know where you are today, but this revelation of a simple verse in John 10:10 was eye opening. I had never thought of it from this perspective. The fact that God covers, restores, and heals everything the enemy meant to take you out. It was already paid for by Jesus dying on the cross and being resurrected to new life.

If you have never said yes to God, please consider doing so today. If you are unsure of where to start, reach out. It is easy and He longs to welcome you into His family.

If you have already said yes, but you are deep in one of these seasons, reach out, He is still there walking with you. He longs to comfort you and help you walk out of the destruction and into peace and joy. This is what He has done and is still doing for me.

Comfort zones, we all have them and desperately long to live right in the middle of them, but should we? Beyond spending life in your favorite athletic pants and t-shirt, what is gained out of being comfortable?

I have essentially been living outside my comfort zone since last June/July. It has been a daily challenge to find something that resembles the life I was living before this journey began. But God. He has been the constant steady encouraging me to walk boldly into the unknown. He has been there when I felt alone and He has been there when I felt like I was bravely facing each decision that the day brought my way. I can honestly say that I no longer feel like I have a comfort zone. Everyday brings something new or a first for me and at 45 that can be overwhelming and exhausting. Even as I write this I am experiencing a first. I have traveled away from my home to meet people I have never met and stayed in a strangers home all to attend a women’s conference that I truly believe holds something for me. I should say that on day 0 these lovely women were strangers and now they are my friends. They know my story and have welcomed me and treated me not like a fragile person with a new label, but a strong woman that has endured and survived. This has helped me feel comfortable, but I am far from anything resembling a comfort zone.

Reflecting on my life I can see that comfort zones have led to complacency. We frequently face situations and seasons of comfort that do not challenge us physically, spiritually, or emotionally. There are times where comfort in my walk with God has led to laziness in my faith. Where I was just walking through the motions and not truly going all in for God. Where I would quote or post that scripture, but friend there is no anointing in Instagram or any social media platform. We are to be the hands and feet of Jesus. This means that we carry the anointing. So if we are comfortable and complacent then who is left carrying the anointing?

If you look at the life of Esther there was nothing comfortable about how she lived. She was a young woman who was chosen to be one of many wives of the king. She had an uncle who asked a big favor, he wanted her to save their people. She had a position that while she could be comfortable being one of many, she immediately had to choose the uncomfortable. She had to break protocol and trust that the Lord was going to protect her and provide favor as she obeyed. God worked in her and through her to ultimately save their people. She was called for such a time as this, just as we are. 

So, if we have been called to this time and this place, what are we doing with our calling? What are we doing to ensure that we do not get complacent? What is our response to God when He asks us to do something so far outside our comfort zone?

I can tell you that what you are reading, this blog, this was a big ask. He asked me to write. He asked me to share. He asked me to be honest with my journey. So what you are reading is not me, it is God working through me. It is God challenging me to stay uncomfortable. It is God redeeming my story. It is taking what Satan meant for destruction and turning it into life. 

Friend, will you step outside your comfort zone? Will you choose the uncomfortable moments knowing that you are choosing obedience? I hope so, because what you find in those uncomfortable moments is peace and joy that is only provided by our loving Heavenly Father.

How much more does God have for you if you were to allow Him to fully work in your life?

Recently I went out of town, met strangers that became friends, and attended a women’s conference where two powerhouse women spoke about how much more our Heavenly Father has for us and loves us. The weekend came at a pivotal moment. One where I walked in knowing God had something for me, but not knowing exactly what that something was. 

Here is what I do know:

• Kayaking in 80+ degree weather is therapeutic – especially when your hometown is under a blanket of snow and ice.
• Worshiping my Heavenly Father with over 1600 other women is powerful.
• Attending a breakout session where I could be challenged and encouraged by someone who has put on the label of widow was just what I needed.
• Dancing the night away under twinkle lights and a clear starry night is way more fun with friends.
• Eating way too much, spray tans, late night trips to Ross, and talking until the early morning hours is good for the soul.
• Visiting a beach where you can put your toes in the sand and remember plus make some amazing new memories is priceless.
• Meeting new people, hearing how God has worked and is continuing to work in their lives is proof that HE is still good and HE is still faithful.
• Stepping out and saying yes can be scary, but God has so much more if you are willing to take a chance and follow His lead. 

All of these things added to the weekend and what God was doing inside me. If you have been following this blog and my stories, you know that for the last 9 months I have been grieving various losses in my life. The loss of my spouse. The loss of the life we had planned. The loss of familiarity. The loss of my daughter’s father. Just to name a few.

The change from married life to the life of a widow has been challenging. This change has meant learning new things. This change has meant doing things on my own. This change has also meant making new memories that I will never share with Jason. But God has been with me. He has shown how He is good and faithful every step along this journey. He has placed beautiful people in my life to pray with me, to pray for me, to encourage me, to challenge me, to push me to try new things, and to be brave.  More than anything these beautiful people have kept me moving forward when I wanted nothing more than to stay on my couch deep inside my comfort zone. 

This weekend confirmed what I already knew but longed to hear: God has SO much more for me than just being a widow. He has called me to be His daughter and has given me purpose in my pain. 

• He has called me to share openly and honestly about my journey. 
• He is calling me to step out and talk about grief and to help normalize talking openly about this subject because as christians we should not shy away from difficult or uncomfortable topics. 
• He is calling me to reveal His wonders and encourage those walking a similar journey that their story, while hard, can also be good and also that their story when rooted and founded in God’s word doesn’t end in death, it ends in resurrection and life. 
• To share that He did not cause Jason to die but He will use that part of my story to redeem the pain, loss and brokenness, but He will also use it to help people recognize and proclaim His goodness and faithfulness even in the darkest of moments.  

Here are some takeaways from the women’s conference: 

• Doubt dies unborn if left unspoken.
• I am not defined by my label.
• We long for an intimate relationship with God, but we often settle for religion.
• Often we get to where we are going, but never the way we thought. God always has a plan for our purpose.
• We have to learn to trust God when we cannot trace His presence.
• Don’t miss the miracle in Malta because you are lamenting Rome.
• You are allowed to be a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously. 

So how do we live a life of much more? We lean in. We say YES to Jesus and all He asks us to do. So often we hesitate because we feel like we are not equipped or qualified. Y’all HE used a donkey, so who are we to question if we are properly equipped or qualified to do the work He has called us to do? If HE calls us HE will be faithful to equip us and qualify us. He will go before us and make a way so that He can be glorified. 

One day, I was watching a documentary. The interviewer asked a question that really made me think: “If you were to write a letter to your “person” (also read job, dream, etc.) what would you say?”

Mine would probably go something like this:

Dear boo, 

That moment you smiled at me and introduced yourself to me at school instead of the girl you were supposed to meet, that moment changed my life and yours.

The moment you asked me to the youth Christmas banquet, I would do anything to talk to that girl and give her some insight of what was to come from that first date. 

The week we were able to hang out and get to know each other better, can I have that week back again? It was so fun just talking and walking around the ORU campus, attending the track meet, and watching you play your guitar.  

The first official date where you showed up an hour early, I would love to go back there and replay those moments and hear what you and my dad talked about so awkwardly in the living room. 

Oh, the first kiss. It was perfect. There is nothing I would change, except to have just one more moment with you for one more hug and kiss.

I remember the night we talked about you moving. I was crushed, because I was moving back home and we would be able to have more time together. But, I knew that the move was something you needed to do for your career.

The late night phone calls, the over-stretched cord attached to the wall phone in the kitchen, the low battery beeps from the handheld cordless phone, and all the long distance charges (I probably still owe a balance…sorry mom!) those helped me feel closer to you.

The trips to Florida to visit, going to the beach in Clearwater, going to Busch Gardens, and just enjoying the beautiful weather. Having you come back to Oklahoma, picking you up at the airport, and going to all our favorite places. I miss those moments of seeing you in person for the first time after we had been apart. Oh what a heavenly reunion it will be when I see you again.

I am sorry about that one night where we ate at a beautiful restaurant on a pier in Tampa. You asked me to walk with you on the beach after dinner, but I declined and asked if we could go see a movie. I did not realize that you had a beautiful plan to watch the sunset and ask me to marry you in the most romantic way. I would love to have that night as a do-over. I would not have changed the plan.

The best day, that one sunny September day where there were just a few clouds in the sky, a slight breeze and the perfect temperature for an outdoor wedding, that was the best day. The only thing I would change about that day would be that I would slow down, look around, and enjoy all the moments and the people that came to celebrate us that day. The whole day felt like a beautiful blur.

Remember when we went to Cancun? I’m sorry about the snorkeling incident. I would like a re-do of that day as well. Other than that, I loved that trip because I was with you!

The road trips and the trips where we took an airplane. Any trip we took held some of the best memories. You loved vacation and adventure. I played it safe. If we could do something over, I would take more of an adventure stance. Oh the places we would have gone!

I remember the day I told you I was pregnant. Life was complicated in those early weeks. We were uncertain about so many things, except that we were so blessed to be adding to our family. I loved sharing that secret with only you for a while. It was just ours. It was also just as fun to share with our family that there would be another person to love. Our parents and family were so excited!

The day that Abby arrived in our arms was long and chaotic, but those first moments with you and her are some that I will always hold precious!

Watching you become a father made me fall in love with you all over again. You connected with Abby. There was something special between the two of you and I loved watching it grow and change as she did. From diapers to proms and graduation you were there for it all.

That trip to Las Vegas for our 20th anniversary. Enough said, because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. 

The day you told me you were proud of me for completing my masters degree, I want that day back too! I loved that moment, it meant the world to me that you recognized my hard work and were proud of me for finishing strong even through the worst that 2020 had thrown our way. 

May 26 – I would do anything to go back to that day. I would take more moments to hug you, talk with you, and just spend time with you before you were admitted to the hospital. I got busy preparing for our move that day and did not take as much time to sit and talk with you as I should have. Can I have that day back?

June 7. The day of the phone call. I had not heard your voice for a while. It sounded different because of the oxygen you had been on for a couple of weeks. You called to talk about something serious. The conversation did not last long. I think I remember saying I love you, but did I really?

I know you had amazing days along our journey together, but I find myself wondering which ones you would write to me about if things were different?

I want you to know that I love you. I have always loved you and will always love you. You are the reason I am who I am today. You challenged me, you encouraged me, and you loved me no matter what. I miss your daily encouragement, the way you challenged me and most of all your love. There is not a day that goes by where you aren’t a part of my thoughts. Happy Heavenly Valentine’s Day Boo.

This is just a snippet of what I would write, the rest I won’t share publicly. It is something that will always remain between Jason and I. 

Finally, I love the phrase “See you Soon” because it reminds me that as believers we have a hope of eternity together with our Heavenly Father. A hope of being reunited with those we have loved on this earth that have passed away. Friends, I want to challenge you to say all the words now, like today. Do not wait until later when you have to write it in a letter.

Stuck between Already and not yet. Sounds about right to me…how about you?

There have been so many times since last May that make me feel like I am stuck in the in-between. 

• In-between the home we have known for 3 years and a new place. 
• In-between one school year that was difficult and another full of the promise of normalcy.
• In-between quarantine and “normal” life.
• In-between the prayer of faith and the manifestation of those prayers. 
• In-between what I had known to be my life and what was now my reality.

Recently I heard a podcast that described this space as being between the already and not yet. 

• God had already provided a beautiful and comfortable home for 3 years and He was providing another home that we had not yet occupied.
• God had already promised health and healing, but when Jason was in the hospital, we had not yet seen a physical manifestation of healing. 

I have found this in-between place to be very uncomfortable for many reasons. First being, I still do not feel like myself. This is probably because I am not the person I used to be anymore, nor will I be again. Sure, there will always be similarities, but because I lost my spouse I gained a title that I will in some ways always hold…widow. 

This place called the in-between is different for everyone. For some it is a comfortable place that can leave you complacent and unwilling to change or move forward out of your comfort zone. For some it is a place of fear. Fear of the unknown or maybe fear of moving forward and away from what the “already” means to you. Finally for some it is a challenge. Challenging because they had experienced so much in the “already” and maybe they are facing the “not yet” because of some life changing event. 

Oftentimes you can find yourself in these different cycles of in-between at different stages in your life. There will be times of comfort and complacency, there will be times of fear of the unknown, and there will be times of challenge in embracing change. You may feel that “Already” is familiar. Maybe “Already” holds sweet memories or maybe “Already” holds moments of loss and pain. “Not yet” is full of everything that is unknown. “Not yet” can be exciting because it holds new memories and experiences. “Not yet” is also a place of hope and expectation of what could be one day.

Currently, I find myself in-between the stages of fear and challenging. Fear because “already” was comfortable. “Already” was familiar. “Already” was where Jason and all the memories with him reside. Fear of “not yet” means moving forward without him physically by my side. Fear of “not yet” means letting go of the future we had planned. In some instances, I also find the in-between challenging. Challenging to find a new purpose. Challenging because I am building a new life without my love. Challenging because everything has changed and nothing has changed. Challenging because my “we” was suddenly changed to “me”.

So, how do you navigate the in-between? How do you push through everything that is holding you to the “already” and walk past what is causing you fear about the “not yet”? First, you must invite God into that space. He is the only one that can fill the void that you feel between “already” and “not yet”.  God is a promise keeper. God is a way-maker. God is faithful. He will meet you right where you are, even if you are stuck in the space that in-between the already and the not yet. He will meet you in your imperfection. He is longing for you to invite Him into your in-between space. Will you do that today? 

Reveal: to make previously unknown or secret information known to others, to cause or allow something to be seen, to make something known to humans by divine or supernatural means.

Wonders: a feeling of surprise mingled with admiration, caused by something beautiful, unexpected, unfamiliar, or inexplicable; feel admiration and amazement; marvel; used to express a polite question or request.

What’s in a name? A lot actually, but you probably already know that. You most likely know what your name means, why your parents chose your name, and even your genealogy! Your name gives you a sense of identity, belonging, and purpose!

When it came to selecting the name for this blog there was only one option. Of course this name comes from a story that started in 2010, while watching the movie “How to Train Your Dragon”.

Jason, Abby, and I went to see the movie in the theater. It was well done in both the story line and the animation. If you knew Jason, you knew that this was very important to him enjoying the movie! After the movie as we were talking he let me know how much he enjoyed the part of the movie where the main character Hiccup was flying through the air on his dragon Toothless. You know the scene where they were weaving in and out of the clouds and landscape of their surroundings practicing maneuvers. This scene was beautifully animated and really drew you into the moment with the two of them flying and connecting as one. It was during this scene where Jason heard the words, “Reveal the Wonders”. 

As the years went by Jason knew that there was something to “Reveal the Wonders” but had not heard any more direction on what exactly it could become. He secured the domain. He dreamed about the possibility of what it might one day become. He invited me to dream with him about what this new adventure could one day become. Would it be something we do together? Would it be something relating to creation? He would often ask, “How can I “Reveal the Wonders” of who God is and what He desires us to know about HIm”? These are all questions we talked about frequently. The best part was that we dreamed together about what these words meant.

Then last summer when he died, I realized that this was yet another dream that died with him. 

But God. God always seems to work making beautiful things from the ashes. Fast forward to a few months ago, I was sitting in church when I heard the same words “Reveal the Wonders”. I wrote it down in the back of the journal I took sermon notes in and went on listening to the sermon. I was in an unhealthy place. I was trying to do the grief processing in my own strength. I was ignoring the deep hurt and emotions and going about each day trying to be “normal”. I have long been that person who is not publicly emotional, so I would try to make it through each day and take the evening and night to recover only to repeat it the next day. No one warns you how exhausting grief is. It takes a toll on you emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. So I continued to ignore what I was hearing the Lord say to me, until I began my sabbatical. Once you take away all the “to do list items” and the daily noise you can no longer run. 

So, I truly began to process all my “why” questions. I had honest time daily with my Heavenly Father where I expressed all my questions, concerns, and also thanked Him for being faithful and being a good Father. Then, I realized I had a “what” question: What can God do with my pain? What purpose will he reveal through this experience? As I wrestled with these questions, I continued to take time to continue processing my grief, sleeping, and spending time with my dog Willa Dean. 

Then as it got quiet, I knew. I had to stop running and face the emotion, the pain and the loss. As I did, I realized that God was already there. He met me in my pain, in my sorrow, and in my grief. Those feelings are not new to Him. He went through those emotions as Christ was crucified and died. It was in these moments that I realized that I can trust Him with my pain, with my sorrow and with my loss. He can redeem this situation and somehow bring beauty from the ashes of our dreams. 

So, I stopped. I turned and faced everything head on and something incredible happened. I heard it again…in church. “Reveal the Wonders”, only this time I responded with the following questions: 

• How do I use my story to help reveal God’s faithfulness, provision and goodness?
• How can I use my story to help other widows that feel lost, helpless, and hopeless?

Wow. What? All of this came from three words…Reveal the Wonders. Then I knew, the Lord had already been working through me and giving me titles, many you have seen here or will soon see here, and words flowed out from my pen. He was waiting for my obedience. He wanted to redeem this yuck, this gross, this unfair, this terrible, this tragedy. He wanted to show me that dreams do not die. They may lay dormant for a while, but He will breathe life into those dead dreams and use them for His glory. 

Dear friend, please keep dreaming. Keep listening to your Heavenly Father. He is speaking and chances are that like me, He has already asked you to do something. Maybe it seems too big, too scary, or too outside of your comfort zone. Maybe it is in an arena that you are not familiar with or that you are not an “expert”. Guess what? You do not have to be. All you have to be is obedient to Him and He will use you to do great things for Him. 

All of this to say, this is where the blog name came from: Reveal the Wonders. 

Have you ever done something that scared you? Maybe you tried that thing and it still caused you to be scared. Maybe you tried that thing only to discover it wasn’t so scary anymore.

Being a widow is filled with these moments. Some you see coming and you can prepare for, some surprise you, and some you choose to face head on whether you are ready or not. This season of widowhood has been filled with all types of these moments. In the beginning there were far more surprises than there are now. I seem to be in the phase where I am choosing to face these situations head on, but I still don’t often feel prepared.

Our trip to Disney revealed some of these situations. From planning the trip, to driving to Florida, and to riding “THE” ride that causes me to be scared the most…Tower of Terror!

Part of our trip was redeeming a lost senior class of 2020 trip, part birthday celebration for two beautiful young women, part Christmas gifts and a big part was celebrating Jason’s life. He loved all things  Disney- parks, movies, design and animation! So when it was time to attack Hollywood Studios what else should one do than ride his favorite ride in honor of him. This was a big step for me because it was one of these face the fear head on situations. But it was more than just that, I was doing this alone. As I stood in the hour long line alone I realized this was a big moment for me. It was big because:

• It was my first time in line for a ride by myself.
• It was my first time to ride this ride alone.
• It was my first time riding this ride without Jason.

Now some of you may love this ride, some of you may be as scared of this ride as I am and some of you may not even know what this ride is. It’s one of those drop kind of rides…and not just once but multiple times and from different heights. Again, this has never been a favorite and I normally do not ride, but this day was different.

So, I get in line alone and wonder how I am going to pass an hour-long wait without draining my phone battery. As we are snaking around the line a family of 9 behind me starts up a conversation with me. Beautiful people with adorable children. They talked and asked questions about the ride. It was their first time on the Tower of Terror. I was able to give some insight as to what they could expect…they were nervous. We then turned the conversation to the different Disney parks. I was able to share some “must do/see” attractions for their next park adventure. Before I knew it we got separated because of the way the line changes inside and then, before I knew what was happening I was boarding the ride. I was nervous and somewhat regretting my decision but I kept moving forward. Finally it was my turn. I sat down, buckled the lap belt and prayed. Then the ride was over. And guess what? It wasn’t as bad as I remembered it being! It was even kind of fun, but I know it would have been more fun to share it with Jason. So I will keep riding the rides and facing big and small fears because, “Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world.” I know that sounds cliché but it is true!

As I was reflecting on the whole ride experience I realized that God placed that family in line behind me to help pass the time and ease my fears. He prepared a way and made sure I was in line at the same time they were. They will never know how much it blessed me to wait with them, but I hope I was able to return the favor as well by the things I shared while we waited. To the sweet family from Chicago, spending Christmas 2021 in Orlando and Miami, thank you for helping me with the best ride of my day!

It also occurred to me that talking with people not in your ride party while waiting in a line is not normal. In fact the people who were in front of me did not converse with anyone in line and they barely talked with each other…for an hour! How often do we feel the prompting of the Holy Spirit to talk to someone, to text someone, to buy someone a coffee, to buy someone lunch, or just look up and acknowledge the person who is scanning our groceries at the store. What would my wait and ride have been like if I had ignored that family? What would it have been like to just answer their initial question and turn around? In the past, I may have done just that and then proceeded to keep to myself the rest of the time. Currently, I have been working on being present, being intentional, and not always head down and looking at my phone. This time it proved rewarding in the form of a precious family needing encouragement and answers and a single rider needing a way to pass the time so as not focus on what I was doing or even why. It was truly a situation where I was blessed for being a blessing.

In Psalm 23 it talks of a table being prepared in the valley and in the presence of enemies. God prepared a beautiful setting for me in line that day. I know it was not just on that ride, but it was where the provision was the most evident. He does and will do the same for you! Will you say yes to Him? Will you ask Him to help you with those fears? Will you talk with Him like He is your daddy and just be real with Him? If you say yes, it makes the surprise moments, the ones you see coming and the ones you choose to take on much easier, filled with peace, and infused with a sweet sense of joy.

They say “Home is where the heart is.” Who are “they”? What does this statement really mean?

Lately the concept of “Home” has felt unobtainable. There hasn’t been one place that has felt like home since July. For about 28 years home has been with my person. He made me feel safe, he loved me, he encouraged me, he challenged me, and he made space for me to be myself. Then poof, that safe space is gone and I am left without my home. 

While Jason was in the ICU we moved. It was one of those jello mold moments. Mainly because all the moving elves made sure we were set up, decorated and ready to go in just a couple of days and most of this activity happened around me. The new place has been a blessing. It has been a place of refuge, a place of healing, a place where there were no memories of living with him; and yet at the same time it has never truly felt like home. It has felt empty and void of all the things you would say “Home” is.

So, in an effort to find home again, I decided to find my place. My place of peace, my place of safety, my place to build my new home. Also, I am tired of lugging grocery bags and my pup Willa-Dean up and down the stairs. But packing and preparing to move has been difficult. I keep stalling on the packing of all the boxes. I keep stalling on going through all of the drawers, bookshelves, cabinets, and closets because there are small reminders behind every drawer, bin, door, and shelf of the “home” I used to have. 

Going through everything is necessary because the new place is smaller. This means going through all the things we brought over thinking Jason would join us after he was released from the hospital. This means deciding what to keep, what to store and what to give away. I am not sure I was quite ready for this step. I am not sure anyone who has lost someone is ever ready for this part of the grieving process. But this is where I am, deep in the great sort. 

There is a song by Blake Shelton called “Home”. The lyrics speak about just wanting to go home. There is a part that says, 

“May be surrounded by a million people. 

I still feel all alone. 

I wanna go home. 

Oh, I miss you, you know.” 

This is how I have felt. I have felt like I have been misplaced. I have felt lost and at the same time like I am fighting to navigate my way back onto the road map for my life. I have felt purposeless and at the same time I feel like God is directing my steps in a purposeful direction. Most of all I have felt like I have been walking around with half of myself missing…and it is missing. Jason was my better half.

So, how do you find home? How do you find joy when deep sorrow is all that seems to be present? Joy and sorrow cannot exist without each other. They are at the opposite ends of the emotional spectrum from each other. If you eliminate one, you eliminate the other. For example I have many memories of Jason and I over the 28 years we were together. Each one brings joy and yet also sorrow because we are no longer making memories together. Also, I am walking through my grief journey daily. This brings moments of deep sorrow and tears and yet I still have space to be joyful and celebrate the new things in my life! 

So how do you find joy? Joy is an act of faith. Faith requires endurance, therefore joy requires endurance.This means that it is a daily choice to choose joy over sorrow. Does this mean that there will not be times of great sadness? No, it means that while the pain seems overwhelming, if practiced, joy comes in and overwhelms the pain. It does not eliminate or erase the pain. So when you are in the throes of grief or loss you will endure, you will find faith and joy even while experiencing sorrow. I know God has a purpose and a plan for my life. I am doing my best to seek Him daily to make sure I am moving in the direction that He wants me to go.

Now, I am in my new place. Fewer items and less square footage. First floor apartment and more windows to let in natural light. Close to a dog park and not having to pay tolls. Choosing some new furniture and decor to make it feel more like me…just me. All of these things are good and exciting. As I sit in my new place and write I feel a change. It happened as I packed and traveled over the holiday but I am just noticing it for myself. I feel more settled. I am beginning to feel home.

Does this mean that I am “getting over” Jason? No. I am not sure I will ever “get over” that loss. But it doesn’t mean that I will stop living. It means that as I move forward in what God is asking me to do I am taking him and his memory with me. I am choosing to live. I am choosing to tell my story and talk about the difficult things and how God continues to show up in hopes that someone else may be encouraged to choose to live and choose joy. So today as you seek the Father and what He has for you, I am certain that you will find your place that feels like home. It is in the loving arms of my Heavenly Father where I have finally found my home.

“For this reason also, since the day we heard this, we haven’t stopped praying for you. We are asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding, so that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, bearing fruit in every good work and growing in the knowledge of God. May you be strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience, with joy giving thanks to the Father, who has enabled you to share in the saints] inheritance in the light. He has rescued us from the domain of darkness and transferred us into the kingdom of the Son He loves. We have redemption, the forgiveness of sins, in Him.”

Colossians 1:9-11