It seems like all I have been doing lately is sorting, saving, and packing. We are in the process of moving and some of the spaces in the new place aren’t as big as our current place. This means doing the sorting that I have been ignoring. Ignoring the sort does not help it get finished, but the thought of deciding if we wanted to save, give or pack items seemed to loom over us daily.

People talk about the waves of grief, they talk about the pain of the loss and they talk about the sorrow and sadness that follows the death of someone or something. Most do not talk about the stuff and the process of sorting, saving, and packing, but everyone knows it will be something to face at some point in the grieving process. 

Well…I just recently finished the first pass of the great sort.

During this first pass, I found that my love had a collection of watches. I knew he had a few, but what a surprise when I gathered them all together and found that it was quite extensive. As Abby and I sorted through deciding which to save and which ones to give we talked about each one. She recounted watching Jason put them on and even the sound the metal ones made as the latch clicked securely on his wrist. She has vivid memories of him wearing each of these watches. These memories are something that she will hold dear and be reminded of every time she looks at the watches or wears them. These are even watches that she will be able to pass on to her kids one day and tell them all about her daddy. 

Jason also had a collection of knives. He loved finding ones that he did not have and loved watching “Forged in Fire” and dreaming of building his own forge one day to create and make his own knives. He had small pocket knives, he had bigger knives that you had to manually open, he had knives that you could push a button and the blade would flip up or shoot out. He had a machete and he had antique knives and always loved looking through them and finding the right one for the occasion when a knife was needed. Clearly my vocabulary gives away the fact that I know nothing technical about knives. I’m merely trying to describe the plethora of knives my love had collected! Yet again, Abby and I have memories of each one, where he bought them, where he used them, and even the family story behind them. These memories will stay with us forever. 

The final piece of the great sort was going through the dresser and closet full of clothes. If you were part of Jason’s memorial service chances are you heard about his “genius wardrobe” choices. He loved the color black. When he found a shirt or hoodie that worked and was in black he often bought multiple…like 5 to be exact. Why? So he could easily select clothes each day of the work week. My response: “Won’t people think you are wearing the same clothes every day?” To which he responded: “It worked for Steve Jobs, why not me?” How can someone argue with that? So, the great clothes sort ended with Abby and I making decisions on what was saved, stored, and donated. 

Reading the above paragraphs, I realize that I made the great stuff sort sound easy. It wasn’t. It took a couple of weeks and then a couple more weeks to even finally donate the items we had decided were ready for a new home. I often sat in my closet in silence wondering if it was the right time to do this, or even if I should pack it all up and store it for later. I decided that it was time for me to sort, save and donate his items. Maybe your timeline is different, perfect. Grief looks different on each person and each situation. 

Here is what I realized for me: I am walking out my grief journey and I should not compare my decisions to anyone else and their situation and choices. 

Here is what you need to realize: your grief journey is different from mine. Seek God and His path for your life. Do not compare or copy someone else. Be you. There is only one of you and God made you in His image! 

Finally, I realized we do not need watches, knives or even clothes to help us remember Jason. His memory is intertwined in our daily life. Memories of knowing him for 28+ years. Memories of high school, college, travel and growing up together. Memories of starting our life together and becoming adults. Memories of an amazing husband. Memories of how he loved me and made sure to tell me daily. Memories of how he sacrificed so I could have nice things and reach my personal and professional goals. Memories of raising Abby and the joy that she brings to our lives daily. He loved being a girl dad. He was good at being a girl dad, but he was just really good at being a dad because he loved his baby girl the way his Heavenly Father loved him. 

This is why we don’t need things to remember him. We can remember him by continuing to say his name. We can continue to intertwine his memory in our daily lives by telling stories. His legacy will continue for generations. 

Do you have a story about Jason? Or do you have a story about your loved one that you would like to share?  We would love to hear from you! Feel free to share in the comments or if you prefer, you can message me privately.

Well ready or not a new year is rolling in like a wrecking ball. We cannot stop it from happening no matter how much we try. I can say that more than any other time in my life I have mixed feelings about this rollover.

In leaving behind 2021 I am leaving the last year I had memories with Jason. The last year I held hands with my love. The last year my husband and I went on a date. The last year we dreamed together and challenged each other to grow spiritually, personally, and professionally. I have some sweet, precious memories from 2021 that I will treasure for the rest of my life. Yet, 2021 also brought deep pain, heartache and loss. Saying see you soon to my love was the hardest moment of my life. This loss has deeply changed me. It has required me to exercise my faith in God. Saying He is good and faithful is easy, walking it out daily…not so much. There were times when I wanted nothing more than to take over and “control” a situation. But, that would not be healthy for me, nor was it my place. So, I learned to rest, be patient and trust that His plan far exceeded mine and it was always for my good. 

Welcoming 2022 brings a lot of unknowns just like any new year, season or day. What new adventures does this year hold? What new people will I meet? Some unknowns will be tough but survivable. Some will be joyous and monumental. Some will be small quiet memories that make the biggest impact. But God will be in every moment, that is the one fact that is guaranteed. 

The one thang that I know is true everyday is that my God remains good and faithful. He has shown up for me in big and small ways. So I’m choosing not to make the typical resolutions this year. Don’t worry, I’m still going to make an effort to create healthy habits and read more. However, with all I have experienced in 2021, I have learned that those types of “resolutions” aren’t the ones that truly matter in eternity. This is why I am choosing to focus more on the following:

• Be present.- For me this means putting the phone away and living in each of the moments, big or small and everything in between. After all, not all of them need to be on my camera roll or social media. Will I still take pictures? Yes, they are more precious to me now more than ever. Will I still post on social media and post to this blog? Yes, but it won’t be the excuse to have my phone out and disengage from the people around me. 
• Look up and see what God is showing me.- This one has been big the last few months. The more I do this I see how He is providing for me, I see opportunities to help others and so much more. It’s quite humbling when you realize that you haven’t done enough of this in your life. It makes me wonder what I have missed by being wrapped up in my phone or myself. 
• Do all the things. – For me this means not shying away from trying new things that have previously been out of my comfort zone. Going to new places with friends or alone. Experiencing new music, new foods (allergy friendly of course), and so much more! It’s quite empowering to think about. I also have an adventure journal ready for 2022! 
• Keep writing. This outlet has been so healing. I love sharing my story and how God is truly making beauty in my life from the ashes of loss and grief. I also love how He drops topics and content in my heart as if to say, “Here, write this. I have some kids that need to hear this as much as you do!” You see, this blog and my writing was never about me or for me. God asked me to write and continues to ask me to share. So, obedience was my response…eventually. 🙂

I want to continue walking in obedience until He gives me a new assignment! What resolutions or word are you choosing for 2022? I would love to hear from you.

“You say goodbye and I say hello, hello, hello.” Just like this Beatles’ song there are moments in our life where we say goodbye and there are moments in our life where we say hello. Some of these are easy and some are difficult.

Throughout my life I have had several of these goodbye and hello moments. Saying goodbye to being single and hello to being married and a wife. Saying goodbye to being a family of two and hello to being a family of three and a mom. Saying goodbye to being a student and hello to being a graduate…three times. Saying goodbye to the first professional job I had and hello to a new job…twice. Saying goodbye to friends and hello to new friends. Saying goodbye to being a mom of a teenager and hello to being a mom of an adult. By far the most difficult one so far has been saying goodbye to the title of wife and hello to the new title of widow. 

By taking on the title of widow there have been yet again plenty of goodbye moments. These moments have been difficult. Saying goodbye to a future together. We had just started to plan for our next phase of empty nest life! Saying goodbye to companionship. He was my confidant, my sounding board and my biggest cheerleader. Saying goodbye to holding hands. He had been holding my hand since 1993, that is a 28 year habit that is missed daily. Saying goodbye to my best friend. Saying goodbye to my love of a lifetime. Just saying goodbye.

But taking on the title of widow has also meant a plethora of hello moments as well. These moments have been challenging as well as empowering. You know the saying, “I can do hard/difficult/challenging things.” It is like that almost every day! Saying hello to being on my own. Since we married young, I had not lived on my own as an adult, so this is a new adventure. Saying hello to being the third wheel. Who really wants to be a third wheel anyway?  Saying hello to learning new things. This has been big. I have learned how to do many things that were previously not my job. Saying hello to making decisions alone. Oh the decisions, some have been tough and some have been fun! Two new cars, another new place to live, and so many more! Sometimes it is difficult just saying hello.

Even as I have been writing this, I have had to say goodbye to a season of intentional rest, refreshment and healing and hello to a season of re-entering, engaging, and finding a new way to balance being productive and being at rest. You see I am a “type A” or “enneagram 1” kind of a person. I thrive off of being a productive, box checker, and busy type of a person. Plus, if I am being honest I could totally add over-functioning to the list as well. You know, the kind of calendar that has no margin, no down time, no space for the spontaneous events that always seem to pop up. If I can take one thing from my season of rest it will be trying to stay balanced. By staying balanced, I mean that I want to learn how I can be productive, check all the boxes and still have rest. Attempting this feat means that I do not have to say yes to every request that comes my way just so I do not have to sit in the stillness and quietness of my home. I also have learned that I love the stillness and quietness of my home, especially when my pup is snuggled next to me. She helps me to rest, sit and just be in the moment. So, my new question will be: “Is this my best yes?” Meaning, saying “yes” to this or that will automatically mean saying “no” to something or someone else and is that the best decision?

The most important goodbye I have said was to a life of sin and the most important hello has been to a life with Christ. I made this decision originally when I was a child. I was completely unaware of how important this decision was. But as I have “matured” I have come to realize that this decision is really something that should be made more than just one time. Daily choosing to follow Christ is a rejection of giving into my flesh and worldly desires. Daily choosing to follow Christ brings peace, comfort, true joy, favor, and a Savior who fights for me even when I am unaware. This decision is not without its struggles. In John 16:33 it says, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” You may have to read that more than once. It says we will have tribulation (affliction, distress, suffering, trial, adversity, hardship, agony, grief, anguish, misery and pain) but the next part- “take heart, I have overcome the world.” If you were reading this in a red-letter Bible you would see that this verse is written in red. These are the words of Christ. This is why we can be walking through that “valley of the shadow of death” and still have hope and peace. This is why we can be experiencing the deepest grief and sorrow and still have joy and happiness.

Maybe like me you have had some difficult goodbyes this year or the last couple of years. Which means that you also have some hello moments to reflect on as well. These moments can either cripple you or make you stronger. In my life, I have experienced both the crippling effects of the decisions that I have made in my own strength as well as developing the strength that comes from making a decision to give up control and rely totally on the Lord in the tough times.

As we prepare to say goodbye to 2021 and hello to 2022, have you taken the opportunity to say goodbye to your life of sin and hello to a relationship with Christ? If not, today is the best day to make this decision. So, will you walk out of your goodbye and hello moments stronger or crippled in loss and fear? 

Have you ever felt like running away? Did you ever pack a bag and just go? 

I remember my sister “running away” as a young child. I do not remember why, but I remember watching her pack her bag with a change of clothes, a doll or stuffed animal, and her blanket. Once packed, she walked out the door only to make it to the curb and sit down. She eventually returned home and I was relieved. 

I could count the number of times I have felt like running away on one hand. Really, there have only been two times to be exact. First was after my dad passed away. Second was after Jason passed away. In both scenarios it was as if I was trapped in a space that felt upside down and sideways. Nothing was normal or familiar and there was a deep, aching emptiness that seemed unending. It felt as if the best way to shake the emptiness was to just run away. What I have learned is that you can never run away from grief. It seems grief follows you everywhere you go. 

Two questions seem to apply here:

1. Are you running away from something?
2. Are you running to something?

Are you running away from something? What I have learned is that in the early days of loss I was running away. I was running from the hurt, running from the loss, running from the empty space that my person once filled, and running from promises that were seemingly unfulfilled. 

Or maybe you are running away from someone? Maybe you are running from God. Maybe you are running because you feel that God let you down, that He did not come through when you needed Him the most. Maybe you feel lost and abandoned and do not feel like you can run back to Him. Friend, let me tell you that He is waiting with open arms to welcome you home. 

So, are you running to something? Are you running to unmetered shopping? Are you running to food even when you aren’t hungry? Are you running at a pace that you cannot sustain? Are you staying awake because it is too painful to go to bed alone? Are you running to meaningless relationships just to fill a void? These will never fill the space that was left by the loss of someone or something. Only God can fill the void that is grief.

There came a moment when I realized I was running, it was a pace that I was maintaining. But then I recognized, as did others around me, that the pace was not sustainable. So, I was forced to stop. I literally went from full throttle to coasting in neutral. I realized that I had not taken time to properly acknowledge that there had been loss, hurt, disappointment, and a future that disappeared. It was then that I truly understood that I was running from Him. It was then that I recognized my need to run home to my Father and to His open arms. He never let me down and He never abandoned me. Most importantly I recognized that He always keeps His promises, they just never look like what we expect. He is faithful. He is good. He is God.

The parable of the prodigal son is a beautiful example of a father patiently waiting, hoping, and believing that his son will return. Take a moment and read the following excerpt from Luke 15.

Parable of the Prodigal Son

“I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ So he got up and went to his father. “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.”

Friend, when we are running away from something or someone we are essentially saying we want to “do it by myself”. We are attempting to escape and avoid. We do not want any part of a community nor do we want help/support. At the core this is defiance and disobedience. God is asking us to run towards Him. I say ask because it is our choice to make. He will not force us or manipulate us into a decision. He asked, He provided promises for our obedience, and He is patiently awaiting our decision. There is nothing you could do to make God love you less. There is also nothing you could do to make Him love you more. He loves you because that is what He is: Love. Because He is love, His love isn’t dependent on you. 

The opposite is true of running towards something or someone. You are saying yes. You are full of anticipatory acceptance. Sometimes your destination is close and other times it is far away, but no matter the distance you will continue to push through to the finish. But like any good race, as you approach the finish line the anticipation builds. There are more cheers as you move closer to the finish. You are moving to the embrace and love of your family, but most importantly you are running towards the compassion and loving embrace of your Heavenly Father. 

This parable is my story and maybe it is your story as well. I want to challenge you, no matter where you are in your race, make sure you choose running to the Father instead of running away from HIm. He is patiently waiting for your decision and to watch you begin your race in attempting to run into His welcoming and loving arms.

What now? I have felt this question to my core more than once over the last several months. Each time I ask it, each time I think about it, or each time I take a moment to really feel it I am never expecting to hear an answer. I have heard a lot about the “Why” questions and have even talked with God about those “Why” questions…quite a bit if I am being honest. If anything, I feel like the question “What now?” has been the biggest unanswered question that is ever looming in front of me.

I have said this before but I feel like I should say it again. Jason and I met in high school. I was a freshman and he was a sophomore the first time we met. It wasn’t until the end of his senior year and my junior year that we started dating. We dated through college and his move to Florida to attend art/design school. He proposed on July 23, 1996, even after I unintentionally messed up his initial plan. Side note, if you are reading this and plan to propose or know a guy who is planning an epic proposal, please tell them to ALWAYS have a plan B ready to go in case plan A fails. Anyway, he asked and I said yes…even after the botched proposal! We were married on September 27, 1997, after he moved back to Oklahoma. At the time, I was about a semester away from graduating from college. Both barely 21, we literally grew up together. We learned about living on our own together. We learned how to be adults together. We also learned why we should not have accepted the offer of a kitten three days before our wedding. Thanks for the wedding gift Jason and Heather! #suckers

After 7.7.21, I realized I was walking around and living life without half of my identity. I literally felt like I was half of a person going about my life. I often wondered if anyone could see me for how I felt or if I looked normal. To be honest, I can look back at pictures and tell you without a doubt that everyone could see me for how I really felt, they just didn’t want to tell me. Overall, it was a very strange feeling walking around knowing that a piece of my life was permanently cut off not to be reunited here on this earth.

In the days following Jason’s death there were decisions that had to be made such as burial or cremation and each of those options came with their own extra decisions. There were service plans to put together, when, where, and who would speak. There were people to contact to get things moving forward such as who would officiate the service? When and where should the service take place? Where would out-of-town families stay? What or where should we eat? Wait, when was the last time I had a meal? Have I had any water today?

I am an enneagram type 1 or Type A personality. I love a good organized, color coded, and alphabetized spreadsheet with all the details and checkboxes. So when it comes to decisions it is typically easy for me to say go or no go. This was different. I found that I felt numb to my surroundings, like life was moving around me…remember the jello mold analogy? I can recall hearing myself step back from making any decisions and it did not matter if they were big or small. Literally, when it came down to where or what we wanted to eat. My default response was, “I am not making decisions right now.” When the decisions seemed to pile up or situations became overwhelming, sleep was my default. When I say default, I mean it was almost an immediate shut down. I would have to sleep to reset my body and reboot my mind and it did not matter where or when. You know when that annoying window pops up and says “your computer will reboot now” it was definitely like that. Thankfully I was never driving when that happened.

After the big decisions were made is when I began to really feel and hear the “What now?” question on repeat. Like I said, we grew up together so adult decisions have always been made by US…not ME. Facing this change was like someone ripped off a bandaid before the wound was healed. I felt exposed and not ready to move forward. Some of these decisions were simple, some were not. The narrative was similar no matter the “what now” scenario.  

• WHAT NOW? I need to change the title on the car.  
• WHAT NOW? I need to file the life insurance claim.  
• WHAT NOW? I need to remove his name from xyz.  
• WHAT NOW? I need to update tax/payroll/personal information.
• WHAT NOW? I need a new emergency contact.
• WHAT NOW? I need to update all information for me personally.
• WHAT NOW? I need to work on closing his business and communicating with his clients?
• WHAT NOW?  I don’t know how to deal with the silence of my home.
• WHAT NOW? I am not ok with the stillness of my bedroom before drifting off to sleep.

The time when I feel and hear the question the most is when I am looking into the future. The future that we had begun dreaming of during the quarantine of 2020. The future of being young empty nesters. You know the plans I am talking about, the “grow old and sit on a porch swing” type of future that everyone begins to plan at some point. Now, all that I am left with is, WHAT NOW? 

I will say that facing decisions and “what now” scenarios while grieving or walking through seasons of loss can seem overwhelming and at times hopeless. Believe me when I say I often felt overwhelmed by the decisions, by the emotions, and just grief in general. Because of my faith in my Heavenly Father, I can say that I never lost hope. It is very normal to feel overwhelmed in times of grief and loss. You cannot compare your journey to the journey of those around you. Your grief journey is something personal to you. Only you know what causes you to become overwhelmed and feel hopeless. But believe me, God can and will meet you where you are in your journey. He will show up and infuse hope, peace, joy, love, and comfort into every overwhelmed and hopeless moment, as well as the good moments too. Hebrews 10:23 says, “Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.”  My hope remains confident and unwavering because it is what He has promised me in His Word. This is my prayer for you.

You may find that you are in a WHAT NOW? place. Maybe you lost a spouse like me, a parent, a child, a family member, a job, or something else. Look up, your help comes from the Lord. He will use your family and community to fill in the gaps and provide for your every need. He will use the random stranger that showers you with undeserved favor to help you in your time of need. Just know He will always be there at just the right time…no matter how “late” it feels to you.

Through my journey of exploring the question “What now?” I realized the answer I have for today is that I am taking time to process my grief and face those “What now?” questions and decisions one at a time. I am not only grieving the loss of my spouse, I am grieving the loss of what we had, the loss of the daily companionship, the loss of our future relationship together, and the loss of our future plans and dreams. I know now that not only will God meet me where I am to help me heal, but He will walk with me through this journey. He will place new plans and dreams for the future in my heart and give me the desire to run after each of them. I also know that moving forward in my life now does not mean that I leave Jason and his memory behind. I can choose to keep living, hoping, dreaming. I can weave Jason’s memory into who I am becoming. He still journeys with me, because he will always be a part of who I am.

David’s poetic praise to God (The Passion Translation)

23 Yahweh is my best friend and my shepherd.
    I always have more than enough.
² He offers a resting place for me in his luxurious love.
    His tracks take me to an oasis of peace near the quiet brook of bliss.
³ That’s where he restores and revives my life.
    He opens before me the right path
    and leads me along in his footsteps of righteousness
    so that I can bring honor to his name.
⁴ Even when your path takes me through
    the valley of deepest darkness,
    fear will never conquer me, for you already have!
    Your authority is my strength and my peace.
    The comfort of your love takes away my fear.
    I’ll never be lonely, for you are near.
⁵ You become my delicious feast
    even when my enemies dare to fight.
    You anoint me with the fragrance of your Holy Spirit;
    you give me all I can drink of you until my cup overflows.
⁶ So why would I fear the future?
    Only goodness and tender love pursue me all the days of my life.
    Then afterward, when my life is through,
    I’ll return to your glorious presence to be forever with you!

Do your emotions match your face? Why do we feel like we have to hide our emotions? Why so we consider public displays of emotion as a weakness? Or…maybe it is it just me and my view of emotions?

I am not an emotional person in public. I prefer to process my emotions in my space and typically alone. This looks like emotional drives in the car and a playlist, or that same playlist and a good cry session when I’m home alone. I am that person where looking on the exterior you may never know what true emotions I am feeling, unless you really know me. More often than not my emotions do not match my face.

But why? Why does it have to be this way? Why are some emotions ok and others cause extreme awkwardness? More specifically, why are people so uncomfortable with the topic of grief that the griever feels they need to fake being “ok” when they are in public? Also, why should we as a society avoid a topic that everyone deals with at one time or another throughout their life? 

This has been a core issue I have been working through on this grief journey. I know who my trusted circle is and I am working on having an honest response to the question, “How are you doing?” But what about our extended community? Why do we shy away from being honest? 

Do we hide or stuff our true emotions because we know they do not know how to respond? Do we feel they may not truly understand? Do we hesitate because we think they may try to “fix” the unfixable problem? Or do we just not want to be the emotional downer in the conversation? I mean, if you did not know me before that day this past summer, you may not know anything was wrong. Even if you have had a recent conversation with me, it probably would not have come up in that conversation. But, why? Why do we shy away from sharing our grief journey. Or better yet, why do we shy away from shouting from the rooftops of how God has redeemed even the darkest corners of our hearts? I want to challenge myself and you to stop holding back. Start talking about the “topic that must not be named”. Make it normal, it is not fight club so it is ok to talk about it. No matter your age or stage in life, grief is a topic that we can and should be talking about. There are no steadfast rules on grief, so why do we place rules on ourselves as we process our grief?

Hi, my name is Samantha and I am a widow. I am 45 and have one adult daughter. We are navigating this season of grief and loss the best we know how. We have an amazing family, very supportive friends, an incredibly supportive work and church community, a Christian counselor (I highly recommend, but more on this later), and many others who help by praying for us daily. More than anything, I have a Heavenly Father that loves me, that provides for me. My God is just as good and faithful today as He was before Jason died. I would even go so far as to say that I see His goodness and faithfulness more today, because I am aware of how much I need Him daily! Some days are great, others are not. Most days I experience every range of feelings and emotions that come along with grief and loss and that is ok. Really, it is very normal.

How do we as grievers start making this topic more normal? From my experience I would say the following are good first steps:

• Be ok with not being ok.
• Be open with your circle and tell them when you aren’t ok.
• Ask if it is ok for you to just sit with no requirements to talk.
• Talk about your person, what you miss and what you loved and still love about them.

More than anything, remember you have to open up, be honest, and be vulnerable. Take time to express to your circle that you are not expecting them to fix anything and all you really want is for them to just be present and pray with you and for you and that want them to continue to check on you even months later once the dust settles and life gets quiet.

How do you as a family member or friend of a griever help to make this topic more normal? Be ok with their pain, it will be uncomfortable but again they really just need you to be present. Keep reaching out. In the early days it is easy to remember to check in, but it is often when it gets quiet that the loss gets real. If you feel that nudge to reach out, do it! Remember, you cannot fix their pain, nor can you help them process their grief quickly or help them “get over it”. Keep in mind that no matter how hard you try you cannot make them “forget” about their loss. Try not ask the open ended question “How are you?” It is often difficult to answer such a broad question because there are so many complex emotions in grief that the answer is never easy. Instead try asking questions that are a little more specific. Try asking “How was your day today?” or “How did XYZ make you feel?” or something like that. If you narrow it down to a day, a scenario, or something more specific it is easier for a griever to answer and be more honest. More than anything, do not shy away from talking to a griever. Treat them normally, converse with them, continue to show them love, and pray for them. Remember it will be awkward until you accept this reality: there isn’t much you can say that can make them feel any more loss or sadness than what they are already experiencing. So just talk to them and be there for them especially when they are ready to talk!

I hope this is helpful for you. I am not saying I am good at all of this yet, but I have found that even as a griever, it is often difficult to talk with other grievers because you do not know where they are mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But I have found that when I take time to pray the following short prayer, “Lord, give me the words to say to him/her as they walk through this season. I do not know how to respond, but YOU know what they need to hear. Let me be an earthly example of your love and compassion.” The Lord will give me the words to say and sometimes provide the opportunity for me to be able to take time and be there with them and for them.

So, let’s work together to make this topic normal. Let’s work together to not make talking about and processing grief awkward and uncomfortable. Grief is difficult to process through, talking with our family, friends, and community about your grief should not be. 

“People learn from one another, just as iron sharpens iron.”

~Proverbs 27:17

I debated on when to write this post, but the last few have been a bit heavy on the emotional side of my story, so as we close out Thanksgiving and round the corner to Christmas I felt that this was the perfect time to speak to my “iron” or according to a sea turtle named Crush from Nemo, my “exit buddy”.

I have been blessed with an amazing family. You know the kind…circle the wagons, drop whatever you are doing to help however you can, and drive 4-6 hours to spend a few hours with those you love only to turn around and drive 4-6 hours back home kind of family. The kind of family that in times where things are smooth sailing it is amazing and annoying all at the same time. Sorry…I really do love all of y’all! The kind of family that shapes your faith, your personality, your strength, and your character. Family also creates lasting memories and boy do we have some amazing memories! If you don’t have at least one family tradition…start one now it is never too late!

This summer was no exception to how my amazing family is and continues to be. You all daily flooded our phones and lives with texts, calls, and visits. You went above and beyond when you provided food, groceries, and other necessities. You also provided comfort, support, and prayers. You rallied around us when we were moving and made sure the process was not stressful. Most of all you made sure Abby and I knew how deeply we were loved and supported. Never have I been so thankful for you…my family.

The next group of people I have been blessed with are those I refer to as my “iron”. Some of y’all have been with me for a long time and others you have just jumped into my circle of iron through this journey. I am who I am today in part because of you. You have challenged me to find out who I am by loving me like Jesus and daily pointing me back to His Word. You have challenged me to be a better educator by not letting me settle for just enough. You encouraged me to chase a dream, that even though it took a while was so sweet when it was finally realized. You have spurred me on to new adventures, taken me to see new places, meet new people, and have given me the encouragement to step out of my type A comfort zone. You have dared me to be more vulnerable both in my daily life and also to share my journey with those around me.

There is another group, an important one that cannot be left out of this post, my community. My community played an important role throughout this summer and my continued journey. They may or may not have showed up in person, but they were consistently supporting Abby, myself, and my family through their prayers, food, kind words, flowers, groceries, monetary gifts and so much more. This group of friends may not be my “bff’s” my “ride or die” or whatever the cool kids call it these days, but they are essential. They are part of my journey. They are my community. I know that I would not be where I am today if it were not for this group of precious people.

Here is what I hope each group of precious people know: I hope you know how thankful I am that you are walking with me through this journey. I hope you know how much I appreciate your love and support. I hope you know how much I value you being in my family. I hope you know how much I value you being my “iron” and I pray that I am “iron” to you as well. I hope you know how much I love that you are part of my community.

If you are already a believer and have tried to establish a community, but it did not work and you’re “over it” please keep trying. Community is that important! Plus, in my experience, our community was definitely a trial and error process. I am an extrovert and my husband was an introvert. These qualities played a huge role in us trying to find community. He was fine with our family and a few very close friends, I wanted more. We tried several small groups, but they weren’t the best fit long term, so we tried what our church calls mid-sized groups. Our small group was our table of people each week in the midst of a larger group. We studied books of the Bible together and challenged each other to think about the Word from different perspectives. He thrived in this environment because it was a theologically academic setting, I thrived because I could talk to all the people! Additionally, to fill my desire for a more traditional small group experience I found a group of ladies that did a few studies with me over the course of a few semesters. These ladies were integral in challenging me to grow spiritually and see myself for the daughter of the King that I am. They are still pouring into my life today!

If you find yourself unable to relate to this post, whether you don’t have an amazing family, “iron” type friends, or even a community that you can depend on when you are in need; please know that this can be found starting with saying yes to a relationship with Christ. He longs to bring you into His family. In addition to saying yes, get involved with a local church, this may also take a few tries to find the best fit, follow peace in this process. This can look like trying different church locations, different service times, Sunday school classes, and different groups the church has to offer. This is where I have found my amazing community and they can help you with your relationships with Christ, with “iron” friendships, and restoring your relationships with family. 

Another factor in trying to find your community may be that you have to step out from behind the screen you are reading this on and go have an actual face-to-face conversation with a real-life person. Through this pandemic we have become so used to “socially distanced” that we have forgotten how to really relate to people. Break that mold, reach out, have coffee, share a meal, or just look up to really see who is around you. There may be people who need to hear what you have to share just as much as you need what they have to share! Remember, iron sharpens iron…Stay sharp my friends!

“May God, the source of hope, fill you with all joy and peace by means of your faith in him, so that your hope will continue to grow by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Romans 15:13

Holidays, why do they alway seem to bring stress? Why do we dread celebrations after loss? Why do we allow Pinterest and Hallmark movies to drive our desire to create the perfect setting and memory making moments? 

To be honest, I would be perfectly fine with not doing any form of celebration this year. It doesn’t seem right. Why should I celebrate and find joy in moments with extended family when my family is missing an important person? I would much rather treat the holidays as just another day with a vacation thrown in for good measure. No decorating, no celebrating, no gifts, no lights, or any merriment. 

Thanksgiving has typically been lowkey. We eat, watch football, and then go bowling. It is a family tradition that was started in Hutchinson, KS when I was a kid by my Gramps who wanted nothing to do with cleaning up and doing dishes! For this reason, looking at this day doesn’t bring me too much dread or stress. I know it will feel different, there will be an empty seat at the table, jokes that won’t be told, and laughs that will not be heard. But I have so much to be thankful for and new things on the horizon. 

I know the reason we celebrate Thanksgiving. We celebrate because it is a time to give thanks for what we have and have been given over the last year. Are you ready for another “why” question? Why should I be thankful after the loss I suffered? Wow…I really went there! But here is my response: I am thankful for my daughter who has been right beside me through every moment. I am thankful for our pup Willa-Dean who is the best at making us laugh and has truly been the perfect addition for this time. I am thankful for my family, without whose support and love we would not have made it to this point in the year. I am thankful for my friends, without whom I would not be where I am and as sane as I am today. I am thankful for my employer, who has been supportive and desires nothing more than to help me achieve mental, spiritual, and physical health so I can be an asset. I am thankful that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me, that puts the right people in my path to show me His love, faithfulness, and His provision this side of heaven. I am thankful that He cares for me and never misses the opportunity to show up even in the smallest moment of need. That is why I am thankful even in the midst of the biggest loss I have faced.

It seems that Christmas is the holiday that is lurking in the shadows. The landmine of merriment, decorations, and celebrations loom in the distance and I want nothing more than to ignore this impending holiday. I have found it difficult to look at Christmas lights. They have been going up all over town, on houses, buildings, trees in the city center and random trees outside neighborhoods. It brings a twinge, a pain that I don’t think I am quite ready to face. But honestly, it was there before Jason passed away. It started Christmas 2007 after losing my dad to cancer. 

My dad loved Christmas. We always had lights on our house, and he and my mom made a big deal out of decorating the tree and the inside of the house. We had snacks and hot cocoa, and lots of popcorn to string up for the tree! I vividly remember those times and it was magical! Christmas morning was no exception. He loved the whole…”wait…I think I see one more gift” trick and we loved seeing what the extra gift or the “family” gift was each year. He loved to add new decorations every year, even to the point of an extensive Christmas village display and a train. After he passed away the magic of Christmas was not the same, the decorations were not the same. The colors were dull, the cookies and popcorn didn’t taste the same. The hot cocoa tasted powdery and bland no matter how many marshmallows you added.  I know that this year will change again. It will have empty moments and joyful moments. 

Christmas is a season where we celebrate the birth of Christ. The birth of Hope. The birth of a promise of eternal life from our Heavenly Father that He has and will continue to keep. So, here is my “why” question for Christmas: Why should I celebrate hope and life in a season where a there was death to not only a person but also to the hope of our future together? Yes, I went there again. 

In Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 it says, “There is an occasion for everything, and a time for every activity under heaven: a time to give birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot; a time to kill and a time to heal; a time to tear down and a time to build; a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; a time to embrace and a time to avoid embracing; a time to search and a time to count as lost; a time to keep and a time to throw away; a time to tear and a time to sew; a time to be silent and a time to speak; a time to love and a time to hate; a time for war and a time for peace.”

These verses explain why I can still have hope, why I can still celebrate, why I can still cry, and why I can still grieve. What I have found to be true in my journey thus far, is that grief for a believer like myself is where sadness, joy, deep loss and hope are beautifully intertwined with the ultimate comforter, the Holy Spirit, at the center covering me. 

So we will be thankful for the time we had, the memories we made, and the memories we have yet to make in the new future. We will celebrate. We will laugh, cry, decorate, and experience the magic of the Christmas season. We will find new ways to come together as a family and celebrate and yet honor the lives of those who have stepped into heaven before us. 

**Disclaimer: This is Part 1 of a two part story. This post covers real and raw thoughts and feelings leading up to the holidays. The rest of the story will reveal how the first holidays without Jason really went and all the ways God showed up and showed us how much He truly loves and cares for us. Stay tuned!

7.7.21 – the day my world changed. The day my love, my best friend, my other half for the last 28 years, my boo took his last breath.

When moments like these happen, time slows, you are disoriented, you move forward but it feels as if you aren’t taking any ground. Remember the jello mold example? This is where it started.

We had been having discussions about if he was still fighting to make it back to us for about a week. We had a meeting with several doctors and his best nurse Heather to talk about what they were seeing from a medical perspective. We asked questions and then proceeded to meet with a hospice representative before leaving on Monday. We had prayed as a family. We had prayed over Jason. We knew the direction we needed to move in and had peace knowing our decision was best for his physical body and health. Tuesday rolled in and Abby spent time in the morning with her dad. This was going to be her time before the family began arriving to say their final goodbyes to have uninterrupted time to talk with and pray over her daddy. I began calling family and friends to update them on the decisions we had made and how best to pray and support us in the coming days.

Tuesday afternoon/evening was my time. It was quiet, it was peaceful. Worship music was playing. I took time to pray and confess healing. But I also took time to talk to him. I spent time just being with him, holding his hand, and talking with the nurses and doctors that came in and out of his room while I was there. Finally, before leaving, I told him that Abby and I would be ok. We had plenty of support both with our family and our community. He was free to make his choice to either fight and stay with us, or rest in the presence of our Heavenly Father. I knew which he would choose.

Wednesday morning the phone rang…it was the hospital. I was expecting this call before it actually came. He was declining. We made some phone calls and headed to the hospital. His favorite nurse and ours, Heather, was there to meet us. She explained that he was struggling to keep his oxygen levels and blood pressure up even with the ventilator turned up to the highest level and all his blood pressure medications maxed out. He was choosing the presence of our Heavenly Father. We played worship music, we prayed, we sat in silence.

He passed away at about 9:00 am on Wednesday morning. It was peaceful because we have the hope of a glorious reunion.

As we gathered as a family we began to ask the following questions: Why? Why me? Why Jason? Why not someone else? To be honest it felt “wrong” to ask questions like these. But in the days following I had people encourage me to keep asking those questions and any others that came to my heart and mind because Jesus asked those questions. When He was praying in the garden, sweating blood, He essentially asked the question “Why me? Could this possibly be someone else’s job?” Then when He was on the cross, He asked God, “Why have you forsaken me?”.

When walking through grief you often find yourself asking the “Why” questions. The questions that you know deep down you will not get an answer but ask anyway in an effort to relieve some of the pain. Feel free to ask those questions. It is not wrong. The example of Jesus asking those questions in a season of life that brought grief and pain is a great example of how our Heavenly Father is inviting us to ask similar questions about our grief and pain. Afterall, relationships are best when they have communication from both parties involved.

We may never know the answer to the “why” questions, but what I do know is that in Philippians 4:6-7 it says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” It does not say that He will give us an answer, but He will give us peace.

Rest in His peace knowing that His plans will be revealed and make sense one day soon.

During quarantine Jason and I had to get creative on our dates. We were all living and working in the home, so to have time alone where we could talk and decompress, we initiated car dates. Just the two of us would jump in the car and just drive. We loved this time, we would talk about our jobs, the people we worked with, what was good, struggles we were having, and we also took this time to make grocery lists. More than anything we loved our time in the car, on a trip, or just spending time together because we could dream, we could cast vision, and we could just be ourselves…the real us and the part of us that we each knew best.

While Jason was in ICU, drives along our car date route were a regular thing. They were therapeutic. It was a space where I could process, I could talk with God, ask Him the hard questions, sit in the quiet of the car, listen to podcasts, and my driving playlists. The best part about this habit, it is genetic. Abby has always loved a good drive for the same reasons as well.

A good playlist could be worship music, hymns, hype, dance, sing along, or the mix tape playlist. I have all of these as well as music to mow the lawn to, music to go to sleep to, and individual artist playlists all labeled and ready to go! Jason and I shared an account and therefore we each had our own music likes, dislikes, and playlists. He loved heavy metal and I love country music.

I miss my love every day, but I miss him most in those “go for a drive” moments. Those drives when I have something to talk about and want nothing more than to hear his wisdom and encouragement. I also miss those drives to and from places. Even the short drives to and from Church, School, Football games and small groups we would have the best conversations. They were deep and we often challenged each other to grow in our spiritual life, our personal life, and our professional life.

I still go for the drives, often our normal date drive path that we took together. I miss him on those days. I also still miss him when I take the short drives, the daily ones that we took for granted. I still talk with God, ask the hard questions, sit in the quiet of the car, listen to podcasts, drive playlists, and talk with Jason as well.

If you find yourself needing some space or time to process, try going for a drive, but have a playlist ready or be ready to sit in the silence and solitude.

More than the drive, the grocery lists, conversations with your person or the best playlist ever created; the drive was and has been time with my Heavenly Father. He longs for a relationship with us. He longs for us to not only talk with Him, but also create space to listen.

So, as you take the drive and have the conversations, take time to listen, to be quiet. He always has something to say, we often fill the quiet spaces with so much it is difficult to hear the still, small voice.