What now? I have felt this question to my core more than once over the last several months. Each time I ask it, each time I think about it, or each time I take a moment to really feel it I am never expecting to hear an answer. I have heard a lot about the “Why” questions and have even talked with God about those “Why” questions…quite a bit if I am being honest. If anything, I feel like the question “What now?” has been the biggest unanswered question that is ever looming in front of me.

I have said this before but I feel like I should say it again. Jason and I met in high school. I was a freshman and he was a sophomore the first time we met. It wasn’t until the end of his senior year and my junior year that we started dating. We dated through college and his move to Florida to attend art/design school. He proposed on July 23, 1996, even after I unintentionally messed up his initial plan. Side note, if you are reading this and plan to propose or know a guy who is planning an epic proposal, please tell them to ALWAYS have a plan B ready to go in case plan A fails. Anyway, he asked and I said yes…even after the botched proposal! We were married on September 27, 1997, after he moved back to Oklahoma. At the time, I was about a semester away from graduating from college. Both barely 21, we literally grew up together. We learned about living on our own together. We learned how to be adults together. We also learned why we should not have accepted the offer of a kitten three days before our wedding. Thanks for the wedding gift Jason and Heather! #suckers

After 7.7.21, I realized I was walking around and living life without half of my identity. I literally felt like I was half of a person going about my life. I often wondered if anyone could see me for how I felt or if I looked normal. To be honest, I can look back at pictures and tell you without a doubt that everyone could see me for how I really felt, they just didn’t want to tell me. Overall, it was a very strange feeling walking around knowing that a piece of my life was permanently cut off not to be reunited here on this earth.

In the days following Jason’s death there were decisions that had to be made such as burial or cremation and each of those options came with their own extra decisions. There were service plans to put together, when, where, and who would speak. There were people to contact to get things moving forward such as who would officiate the service? When and where should the service take place? Where would out-of-town families stay? What or where should we eat? Wait, when was the last time I had a meal? Have I had any water today?

I am an enneagram type 1 or Type A personality. I love a good organized, color coded, and alphabetized spreadsheet with all the details and checkboxes. So when it comes to decisions it is typically easy for me to say go or no go. This was different. I found that I felt numb to my surroundings, like life was moving around me…remember the jello mold analogy? I can recall hearing myself step back from making any decisions and it did not matter if they were big or small. Literally, when it came down to where or what we wanted to eat. My default response was, “I am not making decisions right now.” When the decisions seemed to pile up or situations became overwhelming, sleep was my default. When I say default, I mean it was almost an immediate shut down. I would have to sleep to reset my body and reboot my mind and it did not matter where or when. You know when that annoying window pops up and says “your computer will reboot now” it was definitely like that. Thankfully I was never driving when that happened.

After the big decisions were made is when I began to really feel and hear the “What now?” question on repeat. Like I said, we grew up together so adult decisions have always been made by US…not ME. Facing this change was like someone ripped off a bandaid before the wound was healed. I felt exposed and not ready to move forward. Some of these decisions were simple, some were not. The narrative was similar no matter the “what now” scenario.  

• WHAT NOW? I need to change the title on the car.  
• WHAT NOW? I need to file the life insurance claim.  
• WHAT NOW? I need to remove his name from xyz.  
• WHAT NOW? I need to update tax/payroll/personal information.
• WHAT NOW? I need a new emergency contact.
• WHAT NOW? I need to update all information for me personally.
• WHAT NOW? I need to work on closing his business and communicating with his clients?
• WHAT NOW?  I don’t know how to deal with the silence of my home.
• WHAT NOW? I am not ok with the stillness of my bedroom before drifting off to sleep.

The time when I feel and hear the question the most is when I am looking into the future. The future that we had begun dreaming of during the quarantine of 2020. The future of being young empty nesters. You know the plans I am talking about, the “grow old and sit on a porch swing” type of future that everyone begins to plan at some point. Now, all that I am left with is, WHAT NOW? 

I will say that facing decisions and “what now” scenarios while grieving or walking through seasons of loss can seem overwhelming and at times hopeless. Believe me when I say I often felt overwhelmed by the decisions, by the emotions, and just grief in general. Because of my faith in my Heavenly Father, I can say that I never lost hope. It is very normal to feel overwhelmed in times of grief and loss. You cannot compare your journey to the journey of those around you. Your grief journey is something personal to you. Only you know what causes you to become overwhelmed and feel hopeless. But believe me, God can and will meet you where you are in your journey. He will show up and infuse hope, peace, joy, love, and comfort into every overwhelmed and hopeless moment, as well as the good moments too. Hebrews 10:23 says, “Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.”  My hope remains confident and unwavering because it is what He has promised me in His Word. This is my prayer for you.

You may find that you are in a WHAT NOW? place. Maybe you lost a spouse like me, a parent, a child, a family member, a job, or something else. Look up, your help comes from the Lord. He will use your family and community to fill in the gaps and provide for your every need. He will use the random stranger that showers you with undeserved favor to help you in your time of need. Just know He will always be there at just the right time…no matter how “late” it feels to you.

Through my journey of exploring the question “What now?” I realized the answer I have for today is that I am taking time to process my grief and face those “What now?” questions and decisions one at a time. I am not only grieving the loss of my spouse, I am grieving the loss of what we had, the loss of the daily companionship, the loss of our future relationship together, and the loss of our future plans and dreams. I know now that not only will God meet me where I am to help me heal, but He will walk with me through this journey. He will place new plans and dreams for the future in my heart and give me the desire to run after each of them. I also know that moving forward in my life now does not mean that I leave Jason and his memory behind. I can choose to keep living, hoping, dreaming. I can weave Jason’s memory into who I am becoming. He still journeys with me, because he will always be a part of who I am.

David’s poetic praise to God (The Passion Translation)

23 Yahweh is my best friend and my shepherd.
    I always have more than enough.
² He offers a resting place for me in his luxurious love.
    His tracks take me to an oasis of peace near the quiet brook of bliss.
³ That’s where he restores and revives my life.
    He opens before me the right path
    and leads me along in his footsteps of righteousness
    so that I can bring honor to his name.
⁴ Even when your path takes me through
    the valley of deepest darkness,
    fear will never conquer me, for you already have!
    Your authority is my strength and my peace.
    The comfort of your love takes away my fear.
    I’ll never be lonely, for you are near.
⁵ You become my delicious feast
    even when my enemies dare to fight.
    You anoint me with the fragrance of your Holy Spirit;
    you give me all I can drink of you until my cup overflows.
⁶ So why would I fear the future?
    Only goodness and tender love pursue me all the days of my life.
    Then afterward, when my life is through,
    I’ll return to your glorious presence to be forever with you!