Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Three meals a day means that you have the opportunity to sit across from someone, look them in the eye, converse about important things or nothing at all, and just spend time with them.

Lately, I have found myself missing these meals the most. I miss the person who should be sitting across from me. I miss the way his topaz blue eyes sparkled as we talked. I miss the conversations about big important things, about silly things and all the conversation topics in between. More than anything I miss the time we spent together. I was used to him being at home. He worked from home since March of 2020, so it was normal for him to be home when I left and when I returned at the end of the day. I took that for granted, I miss that, and most days I wish that when I came home he would be sitting in his chair working or playing PS4.

This longing for a dinner guest did not stop me from doing a “first”. I went to a restaurant and sat at a booth by myself and had a meal. Now, I have sat in the comfort of my home and had meals alone since July, but this is different. This “going out to eat” ritual is sacred. It meant a date night, time alone to talk and dream, it meant face to face uninterrupted moments with the phones put away and on do not disturb. Taking this step for me was one that I have put off for almost 10 months and I know ladies who have been much braver than I when it comes to this step. 

Being the type A planner that I am, I was very intentional about where I would go for this “first”. There is a local Mexican restaurant that I have been going to with my family since I was probably 5 and it was also a date night favorite for Jason and I. I even worked there for a while and we know the owner and several waitstaff. It is a place that I am comfortable being in alone. I knew this would be an easier first if I chose a familiar place where I felt comfortable reading or scrolling while I ate. So, I ordered and began my new ritual. It wasn’t so bad. In fact, it was kind of fun listening in on conversations around me and people watching from the table where I was sitting. Best thing…I survived and enjoyed a meal at my favorite place!

Grief can be a funny thing. It often makes me think about things differently. It causes me to pause and take in moments that I will want to remember or enjoy moments that might only be precious to me. It honestly has made me reflect on my life and I often wonder how many moments I have missed because I was eyes down or not truly looking to see those around me. 

Grief can surprise you. Sometimes I have found that when I least expect it, grief comes in like a wrecking ball and retreats both quickly and slowly all at the same time. If you have ever grieved the loss of someone you loved dearly you know this feeling all too well. It can be brought on by a smell, a sound, a song, or some other memory. While it hits quick and deep, it can leave quickly like a retreating wave, or linger for a while like the rising tide. 

In the early days of grieving it seemed like it was always high tide. Like I was struggling to stay above the water. In true form I of course was wading like a champ…at least above the surface. As the days progressed, I found it increasingly difficult to continue without any assistance. I reached out for a life line and held tight when there was one in sight. Once pulled to a safe place, I was able to rest, refocus, reset, and recognize my need for help.     

Still today, almost 10 months into this journey I find it difficult to ask for help. The whole, “I can do it by myself” mantra is great…until it isn’t. I am realizing that my knowledge and my searching abilities can only take me so far. At some point I must face the challenge of asking for help, even if it seems small and insignificant.                                                                                                      

Asking for help has never been easy. I have always been the “I can do it myself” type of person. However, through this journey the Lord has really been peeling back those layers to reveal someone who not only must be completely dependent on God, but also willing to ask for help. You see, if you have followed my journey here you know that my community has meant everything to me. My community (family, friends, coworkers, pastors, etc.)has supported me, loved me, encouraged me, prayed for and with me, and has been available for help when asked. But that last phrase is the key…I have to ask. 

Asking means revealing that I am vulnerable. Asking means that I do not know how to do everything nor do I have the ability to do everything. Both of these are not only ok, but perfectly normal to walk through as a widow. Recently I had a need, now the typical me would keep that need to myself and work through it most likely to the detriment of my sleep schedule or some other self care routine. Instead of holding tight to the need, I reached out to a few close people for agreement in prayer. Not only did my people step up and pray, but the answer arrived quickly and without any disruption to my routine. Doing this was difficult. It meant I had to be vulnerable. It meant I had to let others see me not as the strong one, but as one who needed support. On this side of asking for help I now know that taking the first step was the most difficult, so next time it will be easier and each time after that as well. I am learning a new habit and it is a process. 

So take the time to step out, be willing to ask for help with your community as long as they are trusted and point you to Jesus. Then doing this will help you feel more confident in the unknown moments and will set you up for success when you are ready for taking the step of eating a meal alone in a restaurant or some other “first”. 

Finally, if you are a widow and you are considering eating alone, please choose a place that is comfortable for you and start there. Then as you are comfortable, try other places, take small first steps and do not…under any circumstances…do not cave to fear. Fear will try to stop you. Fear will try to prevent you from moving forward in faith. But courage, faith and hope will sustain you as you walk forward through your grief journey.