I will always remember us this way. 

From our first date until the last day we spent together you had my heart. I didn’t admit it for a while, but eventually I did. You were the first to say “I love you”. I think you always knew we would end up together, even though you never held that over me as an “I told you so”.

We loved movies. We made history when we went to see Jurassic Park on opening day and you proposed right before we saw Courage Under Fire. We talked on the phone for hours on end, draining the batteries in the cordless phone handset. We wrote letters to each other, like on paper with pen and/or pencil.

You played music for me and stretched what I listened to way beyond my typical country genre. I learned about Metallica, Beastie Boys, and so many more but my favorite always remained Garth Brooks. You loved music and you had a playlist for different situations or knew the best album to load when you needed to just go mow the lawn. I now know that this was Metallica or Five Finger Death Punch most of the time and when that was playing it was all out war on the lawn. On a road trip you and Abby would play a wide variety of artists and songs, but you loved the soundtrack to The Greatest Showman.

You went on family vacations with us and I visited you in Tampa. We had fun exploring, making memories and spending time together. As we grew older we loved road trips because it allowed us to see places we would only fly over in an airplane. For our 20th anniversary we visited Las Vegas, but we took day trips to Valley of Fire State Park, Hoover Dam, and our favorite the Grand Canyon. Being able to see and experience God’s creativity in nature was so much fun. You had plans for us to return to the canyon and explore it from the river below to really grasp what 1 mile down really looks like. One day, I will do this in your memory and it will be amazing. 

Most of the time our date nights were dinner and a movie or just a drive to talk and dream. I will forever remember these moments because there is something special about sitting next to the one your soul loves and dreaming together of future adventures. 

Our greatest adventure was raising Abby. She is so much like you but wrapped in a package that looks like me. She is sweet, caring and spicy. She is opinionated and stubborn like both of us. She loves God with every fiber of her being. You would be so proud of her today. She has a dream and she is chasing after that with your tenacity and grit. 

I will always remember the little moments where you held my hand. It made me feel safe, loved, and valued. In fact, I remember the first time we held hands. I will always remember us holding hands.

I will always remember the way you looked at me. Your striking blue eyes that sparkled because you were up to something, had a funny thought cross your mind, or just the way you looked at me with all the love you had. It was why I never wanted to blink or close my eyes when I looked at you. I didn’t want to miss a look or a moment. I will always remember the way you looked at me.

I will always remember our drives. Whether our dives took us around town or to a different state we had the best conversations. We were focused, we didn’t have any work distractions, we had space to dream, we took time to cast vision, and make plans. I loved every moment in the car with you even if “Pam” from Google Maps took us the long way around. I will always remember our drives.

I will always remember the milestone moments in our relationship. From the first date, to the engagement, our wedding day and the anniversaries you made each day special. I never needed flowers, gifts, jewelry, or things. I always needed you. Life without you seems bland and boring. Colors aren’t as vibrant and jokes aren’t as funny. God has a plan for my life without you, but I will always remember our milestones, they are some of my most precious memories of us.

While I have memories, pictures, and videos to help me remember you and your smile. I am starting to forget things. Life is cruel this way. I am able to remember the big things, but the small things like your voice, your laugh, your smile, the smell of your cologne, and your favorite joke slip away way too quickly from my memory. It makes you feel like a distant memory instead of someone that I will carry in my heart for eternity. 

You were my first love. You were my first kiss and the first man I wanted to grow old alongside. We learned so much about life together. We grew up together and I know I am who I am today because of you. 

I will always remember us this way. It seems fitting to leave you with the words from one of my favorite songs that sums everything up so perfectly.

“Looking back On the memory of The dance we shared ‘Neath the stars above For a moment All the world was right But how could I have known That you’d ever say goodbye And now I’m glad I didn’t know The way it all would end The way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I’d have had to miss the dance Holding you I held everything For a moment Wasn’t I the king? If I’d only known How the king would fall Hey, who’s to say You know I might have changed it all And now I’m glad I didn’t know The way it all would end The way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I’d have had to miss the dance It’s my life, it’s better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I’d have had to miss the (dance).”

“The Dance” by Garth Brooks

The final thought I want to leave you with is the most impactful one that I have learned this year. I have learned that Jason will always be a part of me. Going into marriage at barely 21, I did not know the adventures, joy, and pain that would follow. Some might say that “Love conquers all”, but I am here to tell you that it is only the love of my Heavenly Father that conquers all. It also covers and redeems all.

If you are struggling to find joy, if you are struggling to understand why, if you are struggling through all the emotions of grief know that God’s love is the source of your joy,. His love is the answer to all the why’s. His love provides the ultimate peace and comfort in the midst of your grief.

Do not hesitate to make new memories while holding onto the ones that are precious. Do not hesitate to ask the hard questions. Do not hesitate to embrace joy even while acknowledging your sorrow.

I will always remember us this way.

Love you boo.