So in life there is always a next step. God is always up to so much more than we can see or feel. Knowing this, why is that next step always so daunting? In my life, I have always struggled with taking that next step. You see I love knowing all the details and making a cautious controlled step. One where I know everything that will happen. But life is not like that. It is unpredictable. It is messy. Yet I still hesitate and pause until I can easily say yes. 

Hesitating, pausing, or trying to control all the things is not putting my trust in God. What it means is that essentially I am telling God I know better and I don’t need your help in this area. OUCH! Even as I type this post I am walking through a season where I have been dragging my feet on something that a friend and I have been talking about and planning for almost a year. Something we felt like the Lord was asking us to do. But in doing this thing it means being ok with things not being perfect. It also means I have to be brutally vulnerable even with people who I may never have an opportunity to meet or see their face. 

So why is choosing obedience to my Heavenly Father so difficult? Or maybe the better question is why is willing to not be perfect and showing vulnerability so challenging for me? For me, it goes back to what I wrote about in the post “Speak Life”. It speaks directly to that inner self talk of “you aren’t good enough” or “no one will like xyz that you are doing now”. But if I take a true look at those statements neither is true. I am the daughter of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. I am an image bearer of Christ. So I am good enough because He made me to be me. God has called me and purposed me to help introduce others to Him and share what He has done in my life. So, whether anyone likes, reads, or listens to what I do doesn’t matter. What matters is that I follow Him and do what He asks of me because where He calls me He will equip me and He will do the same for you!

Walking through this grief and widow journey has been daily taking the next step in front of me. Some of the steps have been easy and some have been extremely hard and required true grit. Grit in this journey looks different in 2023 than it did in 2021 and 2022. From the moment this journey began it took everything in me to just feel something. Tattoos did not hurt, not much made me laugh for real and even thrill rides weren’t that thrilling. All of that built up to going skydiving. Pretty extreme, right? Well, even the thought of jumping out of a plane, strapped to a stranger with nothing but cords and a parachute did not phase me. These experiences provided an adrenaline rush that took me to the next experience. But what I did know was my Heavenly Father was walking with me in each of these experiences. He was patiently guiding me, comforting me, placing precious people in my life and making sure I continued safely on my path. He is the ultimate gentleman holding open the doors I would need to walk through in this early piece of my journey. Each step of this journey required me to shed pieces of the old me, to dig deep and be honest with the emotions of this change. When you grow up with someone and choose to marry them your life is intertwined in more than just the “one flesh” way. Your personality and often how you look seems to morph into a conglomeration of what was once yours and what was theirs until you are no longer recognizable. This is why losing a person of this significance is so gut wrenching and truly causes deep secondary losses because a new identity is required to even just do basic daily functions.  This is yet again where my Heavenly Father was walking alongside me, showing me who I am in Him and asking nothing more than for me to trust Him in the rebuilding of me.

As I rolled deeper into 2022 I began to notice a shift that has increased now that we are in 2023. I realized that the grit I needed in the early days is no longer the grit I need for today. I need something different. I needed grit to rebuild and rediscover just who it is that I am as a single mom, woman and widow. He has called me to be an “Ezer Kenegdo”. Ezer Kenegdo are the first two words spoken about a woman in the Bible. They are found in Genesis. Ezer means helper and one who gives strength or aid. Meaning you are doing something for someone that they cannot do for themselves. In almost every other place the word Ezer is found in the Bible it is being used to describe the relationship between God and Israel. Kenegdo is a word found only one time in the Bible and it is in Genesis when used to describe women. It means one who stands in front of you or next to you but doesn’t let you go just any way you want. These words, Ezer Kenegdo, were used when describing a woman as a suitable helpmate for a man. So in my mind I now see women as warriors for their families, for their relationships and for their community. They stand face to face and side by side with those they aid and no matter the circumstance or the story playing out in front of them, they will fight against all that hell tries to bring against them. 

I am here today to tell you that I am a warrior that has a story and I will shout it from every corner of this world because I know that my best days are still ahead of me because He still has a purpose for me. He is not finished with this 40 something widow. He wants me to meet new people, build community, and make new memories. He wants me to smile, laugh and enjoy the days He has set before me and He wants the same for you. 

So, my friend, what is the next step He is asking you to take?