Time is a funny thing. Sometimes it flies, sometimes it drags and sometimes it seems to completely stop. But why? Why is time like this? Just the other day I heard someone say, “I cannot believe it is almost Christmas, it was just October yesterday!” and I have never agreed with anything more. At that moment I realized that we are quickly approaching the end of yet another year and now here we are at the top of 2024!

2023 has been packed full with walking through so many firsts, seconds and now thirds! It feels odd to say, but I feel like I am truly living for the first time in my life. I have decided that I am the captain of my “ship” and I get to call the shots. Decisions and consequences for my daily life are mine alone and for some reason that brings comfort to this Type A, Enneagram 1 planner extraordinaire.  Maybe this is because I have reached an age where I no longer am driven by what other people think, maybe it is because I know on a deep level and am living out daily what my calling and purpose is for this season of my life. Maybe it is because after walking through such deep loss and working to put some of the pieces back together that I finally feel like I know the new me a little better and see how this still beautiful life is taking shape. Whatever the case may be, time is still a funny thing. This calendar year has seemingly flown by and we are now starting yet another new year. 

When I reflect on what 2023 has held, I smile. There have been some beautiful moments where it was extremely evident that God was present and in every detail, there have been some moments that made me laugh, there have been some moments that made me cry, and there have been some moments where I felt the pain of loss and grief so deeply it was as if I were taken back to July of 2021. Regardless of the emotions in each moment, I know that God has been with me and will continue to walk alongside me in my life. For this, I am so very thankful. 2023 has also brought a lot of new things and people into my life. I have continued writing this blog and sharing new content, my good friend and I started a podcast (Courage & Wildflowers), I started a new job completely outside my training as an educator (but I love it and it is perfect for this phase in my life), I have even started branching out in other areas as well, but those will have to wait for their own blog post.

When time flies people often say it is because you are having fun, yet when you are walking through grief and deep loss time flying can be a thief. It steals those things that you hold most dear, like the scent of your loved one, the sound of their voice, their laugh and so much more. When time flies it feels like you are being swept further away from the time when you last had and held your person. In the early days I wanted nothing more than to grasp at everyday, every memory, every joke, every video, and basically everything and yet now I know that those things while fleeting are precious memories held permanently in my mind, my heart, my photo/video storage, and the conversations with my daughter and family where we recall all of the things that made us laugh. Now, I am making space for new memories and experiences. These do not replace the old ones, but somehow make them sweeter and allow me to hold all of them near and dear. It is yet another way joy and sorrow hold space together in this beautiful life I am living. 

When time drags on it can feel like a struggle. Every simple task seems difficult and the difficult tasks seem impossible. It is almost an act of congress to get out of bed, shower and be productive some days. In my early days of grief I was experiencing this widow/grief brain fog. It’s like normal brain fog but way worse. Yet somehow, everyday I forced myself to restart, to get up, get ready and move forward. Some days it was easier than others to put on that smile and pretend that all was OK. Other days it was near impossible and the power nap took over or I just took a walk outside where I could breathe in the fresh air and be barefoot (it’s a thing for me). Just being able to move and have a change of scenery helped me immensely. The grief bombs that awaited me on these types of days seemed atomic at times and crashed in when I was least expecting them. Yet, I will say, even on the most difficult of days I always felt the presence of my Heavenly Father. I knew He was with me, walking with me, comforting me and He always placed people in my day that I needed at just the right moment. The grace, mercy and favor was so very evident even in the deepest moments of widow/grief brain fog I was able to see His provision and it is still evident in all the moments of my daily life. 

Time as of now seems to be flying by. Fun is being had and yet I am also experiencing growth and challenges.  Does this mean that walking out healing after loss is easy? No. Healing through loss is never easy. Does having fun and branching out mean that I have forgotten Jason…no. He will forever be a part of me and my story. I see echoes of him every day in Abby and often in me when I have some smart quip that I use as a response. He was after all the king of the one line comebacks! But here is what I do know, while I am continuing to walk through life after loss. I am learning new things like how to change a car battery, which I might add is easier than I thought it would be. I am finding that there is more space these days for joy, for making new memories, and for being open to new adventures and experiences. The hope that has been infused in me by my Heavenly Father is refreshing and overflowing. I pray that you can experience this same hope and joy during this season. 

My friend, how does time feel to you today?