Moving forward from a moment in time is tough. There are days when you want to go back. Return to the normal, the familiar, and the time with your person. A time when everything made sense and life was predictable and comfortable. Yet, deep down I know that because I have leaned on God through this journey, I can see where there has been growth spiritually, mentally, and emotionally in my life! I can look at my life today and pinpoint so many things that I would not have had had I not walked through losing Jason. That being said, why did it have to play out that way? Why did it take a death to breathe life into so many areas of my life? 

Lately, I have really been reflecting on what was, what is, and what is to come. Maybe it is the new year, maybe it is the firsts I have experienced, or maybe it is just facing another calendar year where Jason will not be present for any of the moments or memories. Regardless of the reason, there is a palpable tension between joy and grief in my daily life that is more than I expected to experience as I close in on the four-year mark in July. 

Just after the first of the year, we had a big snow hit our area of the state. Normally, this would not make me think twice about staying in, doing puzzles, drinking hot cocoa, and just doing my best to stay warm. But this year was different. I had somewhere I needed to be! This meant that I needed to get out and drive. Well, in all my 48 years I cannot recall a time when I actually drove in the snow. Yes, that is right, I am a passenger princess when it comes to inclement weather, and I am ok with that fact! This is the 4th winter I have faced without my primary inclement weather driver and they were predicting multiple inches of snow! Now what am I supposed to do? It was time to put on the big girl pants and drive! When I started on my adventure the roads were just wet and the snow was just starting. Later, as I left where I was to head back home, it was a completely different story. The snow was covering the roads and it was still snowing! So, I took some time in the parking lot, knowing it was empty and safe to test some skills and test the limits of my car. The last thing I wanted to do was start out on my drive home and end up spinning out or sliding out of control! Finally, I decided it was time to just do it even if I was afraid. It wouldn’t be the first time I attempted something as a widow that caused me hesitation. Guess what? I made it home safely. I drove in the snow!

It was such an accomplishment. I was proud of myself and yet I could hardly breathe. As I stood at my back door looking at the beauty of the snow falling in the moonlight, I began to cry. It was a weird moment when I realized that this was different. This first wasn’t just me accomplishing something that I had not done before. It was me doing something that Jason normally did for me because he loved me. It was me becoming more of the Volume 2 me and less of the Volume 1 me.  It was me moving forward and further away from the last day I had him by my side. At that moment the tension was real. I was proud of myself for accomplishing something I had never done before and yet the sting of knowing why I had to do it took my breath away. This is what grief looks like in real life. 

At that moment it felt like Jason was so far away. It felt like I was forgetting things and just walking away from the life and love we shared. Then, I had a beautiful friend remind me that love never dies. Love will always hold the connection between my life with Jason and my life now together in a strong bond. That brought peace. More than that, it reminded me of 1 Corinthians 13 and all it has to say about love. But there are a couple of places specifically that were brought to my mind: first, verses 7 and 8 specifically call out all that love does and ends with “love never fails, fades or ends”. Second, the chapter ends with talking about what qualities remain, faith, hope, and love. The greatest one is love. I am not sure who or what comes to mind when you read this chapter, but take a few moments to quiet your mind and just read the amplified version below. 

“If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love [for others growing out of God’s love for me], then I have become only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal [just an annoying distraction]. And if I have the gift of prophecy [and speak a new message from God to the people], and understand all mysteries, and [possess] all knowledge; and if I have all [sufficient] faith so that I can remove mountains, but do not have love [reaching out to others], I am nothing. If I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body ]to be burned, but do not have love, it does me no good at all.

Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].

Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]. But as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for the gift of special knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part [for our knowledge is fragmentary and incomplete]. But when that which is complete and perfect comes, that which is incomplete and partial will pass away. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now [in this time of imperfection] we see in a mirror dimly [a blurred reflection, a riddle, an enigma], but then [when the time of perfection comes we will see reality] face to face. Now I know in part [just in fragments], but then I will know fully, just as I have been fully known [by God]. And now there remains: faith [abiding trust in God and His promises], hope [confident expectation of eternal salvation], love [unselfish love for others growing out of God’s love for me], these three [the choicest graces]; but the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13 AMP 

This is why I feel that tension. The love I have for Jason will remain and it also never failed. My love for him echoed what is written in verse 7, “Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].” So when you feel like you are drifting further from your loved one, remember that love will always be the connection between what you have and what you have. When you feel hopeless and lost remember that faith, hope, and love are in the mix too! 

Take some time today to lean in, read this chapter in various versions, and just listen to what your Heavenly Father wants to share with you about faith, hope, and love!