Recently, I had the honor of attending a service to celebrate the life of a man who made an eternal impact on the lives of many people, including myself and my daughter. He radiated the love of the Father and had a smile that indicated he knew from where his joy came. What I will remember most about B is that he could tell a story better than anyone I have ever known. When he spoke, you found yourself completely invested and on the edge of your seat. More than that, he was real and authentic. When he spoke to you or engaged you in conversation, you never felt like it was just something he needed to do, it was something he wanted to do! He was so intentional with my daughter, and for that, I am forever grateful. He was a man who lived and loved like Jesus and I want to be more like B when I grow up!  

When we went for the service, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Once you lose someone close to you, funeral services are weird. They draw you right back to that jello mold moment where it feels like time stops and a whole new timeline begins. As the pastor began to speak, he talked about B, told his own stories of their friendship, and shared what B wanted for the service. Psalm 23 was read. It made an impact on me, as it always does. Then we worshiped. We sang beautiful songs of hope and the goodness of God. What stood out to me the most was the way he talked about the pattern of grieving. As he spoke, I found my mind wandering about how I have walked through my grief journey. There have definitely been highs and lows, lessons learned, and memories made; but more than anything, I found what he spoke to hold true for my life. He talked about in the Bible and in life, there is a rhythm for grieving and a rhythm for living. 

In Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 it gives a beautiful picture of the rhythms of life. 

“For everything, there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace”.

The three words he spoke about in the rhythms of grieving: weeping, wondering, and worshiping. Just sit with that for a moment. Isn’t that such a beautiful picture in just three words? It defines grief in a way that I had not thought about before; not in the stages or steps kind of way, but in a holy and reverential way of grieving. So, below you will find my attempt at explaining what each one has meant to me along the way; and maybe even a small glimpse into what each means to me almost 4 years into this journey. 

Weeping: Job, David, Mary, and Martha all wept after losing their loved ones. Weeping, or rather crying, is an outward sign of the grief and loss that we feel when a loved one dies. It’s natural and should be accepted as such. Even Jesus showed us that he weeps. When he arrived at the tomb where Lazarus was laid to rest he engaged with the family and then wept. Sometimes, I still sit with that short two-word scripture in John 11:35: “Jesus wept.” He wept and grieved the loss of his dear friend knowing that His next action would be to raise Lazarus from the dead. It reminds me to pause and feel the feelings, especially if my Heavenly Father, the God of healing and restoration, cried and grieved…I can too! 

In the beginning, it was difficult for this “don’t show emotions” kind of girl to be vulnerable and cry in front of others. Now, I understand that others need to see that side of me. Crying or weeping doesn’t make me weak. It means that I loved deeply and still hold that love close. 

Wondering: Ask the questions. In grief and loss, we often have questions about why we are in this scenario, or maybe, why not me instead. Regardless, remember Job, David, Mar,y, and Martha all asked questions in the middle of their grief! Throughout this widowhood journey, I have often wondered and asked God “Why”. While I haven’t received an audible answer (and probably won’t this side of heaven), I have received an unexplainable peace. I know He walks with me and goes before me to prepare my way… but I still have questions! 

Worshiping: Job, David, Mary, and Martha all worshiped after they experienced loss. In the face of doubt, hurt, and grief they were able to reach their arms towards heaven and praise their Heavenly Father. Somewhere deep inside they knew the story wasn’t over for their loved one, or for them. In the case of Mary and Martha, their praise was because Lazarus walked out of the grave. His life was restored. For me, there is nothing more precious than spending time worshiping my Heavenly Father. He has been so good to me throughout my life. I was saved as a child. As I grew older, I knew that I was a ‘Christian’. As an adult, my faith was tested. That is when I really knew that I was a ‘Christian’. I also never thought that I had much of a testimony as a teenager or even in early adulthood. I viewed my story of being saved at 5 and still being a Christian as something less than someone with a more radically saved story. When my dad died, I struggled. I struggled with faith and trust that my Heavenly Father was truly who He said He was in His Word. I still went to church, raised my hands, and spoke all the ‘Christian’ words, but deep inside, I was filled with doubt and resentment. One day something started to change. I began to acknowledge that even though my earthly idea of healing did not manifest itself in my dad, he was still healed. Even though I went through loss and held onto grief, my life was still blessed and filled with joy and restoration. Taking these steps, I slowly began to put my trust and my life back in the hands of my Heavenly Father. I restored and rebuilt my foundation of faith in my Heavenly Father. I became rooted and grounded in His Word. I grew and really began to understand the power of worship. Fast forward about 15 years, and I was again faced with the challenge of trusting that my Heavenly Father was good and faithful. His word and plan for my life would not die just because my husband died. Deep inside I felt Him ask me to trust Him and not doubt Him. He asked me to lean in, to keep worshiping, and to tell my story. This is why worship is so precious. Whether it is singing a song, sharing your story, or just sitting in His presence and listening worship is happening. If you see tears streaming down my face when I am worshiping, please know it is because I am filled with gratitude over all He has done for me throughout my life. He is worthy of the time we spend worshiping Him, so why wouldn’t worship be a rhythm in grief?  

Friend, these rhythms are a beautiful picture of how we can walk through our grief journey and stay leaned into our Heavenly Father. How have you walked through the rhythms of grief? How have you wept, wondered, and worshiped along your journey?