4 years. Reveal the Wonders blog turns 4 this month. I still remember stepping out to hit publish just like it was yesterday. I was deep in grief, and I felt like I was barely navigating the days myself, let alone trying to put together coherent thoughts to share. 

I have previously shared the origin of the name, but I don’t think I have ever discussed how I came to build, create, and publish the blog. So, in honor of being here for four years, I figured it was time! 

While Jason was in the hospital, my dear friend, Jennifer,  encouraged me to journal. I believe her words were something along the lines of, “Friend, write it all down. Write down the medical stats, good or bad, so you can see the changes day to day. Write down what is happening at home, good or bad, so he knows what went on while he was away. By doing this, you will have a record of all the prayers that were answered along the way and a record of his missing days.” So, I grabbed the nearest journal in my home and I began to write. I wrote about the big things, the little things, and all the medical data in between. Some days were difficult to write about, and some days the words poured out of the end of my pen. There are some funny moments that have been recorded and some days where tears stained the paper and caused the ink to smudge. I treasure what was captured in those moments and will forever cherish being able to read how I felt and what all went on during that time. Later, I would learn that I recorded because grief does a complete brain wash of details!

Each year, I read through my journals. I do not do this in search of new content, but I do it to remember. I remember the days God showed up in big ways and the days when a kind friend on her break came and prayed with me in the sitting area of the ICU. I can’t help but laugh at the memories when the police showed up at the house because of issues with the alarm, and there was a U-Haul truck in the driveway, which was tough to explain. I also remember the night our dog ate 2 cups of chocolate chips and had to be rushed to the emergency vet. There were a few days that felt like an all-out attack on our family, and there were days when I felt as if I was being held in the arms of my Heavenly Father. 

The pages of those journals also hold the raw, gut-wrenching words where I poured out how I felt the first time I had to use the word “widow”. They hold the thoughts, emotions, and honest ramblings of a 40+ year old woman processing the loss of her husband, her high school sweetheart, and her best friend. There are days when I read the words on those pages and it feels like I am reading the story of a stranger, and there are days when I read those words and I can immediately feel the pain, the struggle, and the heartbreak of the woman who wrote those words.

The truth is, 7.7.21 will forever be the day that marks a before and after in my life. Before that day, Jason and I had dreams, plans, and hopes for our future. In early 2021, we were actively talking and planning for our 25th wedding anniversary trip the following year, we were dreaming about how we would travel and enjoy our empty nest years, and we were focused on building a home that would one day welcome grandchildren and hopefully great-grandchildren. After that day, I was left to dream alone. I was thrust into a life I had never imagined. I was standing at the brink of forever without the person who was supposed to be there with me. In the wake of that loss, I have had to rediscover my identity as a woman and as a child of God. I have had to rebuild my life without that man. I have had to learn how to plan for trips in a different way and how to dream in a new way. I have had to lean on my Heavenly Father in a way that most will never understand. 

Through all the highs and lows, I keep writing. I write on the days where joy precedes grief, I write on the days where  I would rather stay in bed for no reason at all, and I write on the days where the words seem to pour from my fingertips. I write because I was asked to share my story and what life as a widow is like from my perspective. I write because in these moments and on the pages of my journals, there is a place where I can still feel close to Jason and the life we shared. 

Truth is, there will never be a day when I won’t grieve his death, but what I have found does happen over time is that the sting becomes less noticeable. I never fully understood the “mourning to dancing” and “ashes to beauty” until walking through this journey of widowhood. 

God is gracious and He is faithful. He is kind, and after 4 years of sharing my journey, I am choosing to continue to share. Widowhood doesn’t stop as a particular milestone, so I know I will always have some sort of content for you to read. I do know that as I continue to explore this new volume of life, there will be new adventures to share, and one day I will put this thing in a format you will read from cover to cover. Until then, I hope you enjoy learning along with me, and hopefully, this encourages you to write down your journey as well! Thank you for taking a few moments to celebrate with me.