Let’s go on an adventure! 

Oh, how I love to get in the car and drive. I could drive around my city, through the country, or get on the highway and just go. I long for the fall weather and the changing of the leaves. To me, this signals windows down cruising to wherever the road leads. That said, it could also be the adventure of a new job, meeting new people, trying new food, or just sitting still while I write the next blog. Whatever adventure means in the moment I am all in! 

Deep in my soul, I feel that a new adventure has begun, and when choosing a picture to go with this blog, I had to choose the VW Bus. Fun fact, it is the one vehicle I would love to own one day. I would love to have one to take on the road, to explore the open road and all it has to offer. If the bus was refurbished to include all the necessities to glamp, I would be extra excited. I would, however, preserve the exterior. Some people swoon when they see that sleek sports cars or their favorite SUV, not me. When I see that chrome VW on the front and those iconic chrome hubcaps I am done. Pick me up and take me on a drive! 

Back in the day when I was little, my parents owned a VW bus that was lima bean green with a white camper top. I vividly remember taking it camping and I was old enough to sleep in the loft area. That was the moment I was done. Yet, we didn’t seem to keep that vehicle. Something about there being no heater and my baby sister being cold. Regardless, I think we all have those memories of something from our childhood that we wish our parents would have kept, or we would have kept had we known what the value today would be. So until the day I own my bus, I must keep adventuring the best way I know how…down the road!

What is up next you ask? I am not sure, but the one thing I do know is that I have been feeling the urge to adventure for most of the year. I have started a new job back in education and that has been hard and beautiful all wrapped up in a classroom. The kids and the people I get to be with daily are precious! That being said, 7th and 8th graders can be unpredictable and you can bet there is some sort of adventure in that building daily! Am I good with just that adventure? No way! I know that I will continue down the road of life, meeting new people and continuing to share my story. 

You see, each time I share my story it becomes its own adventure. I never know which way my Heavenly Father is going to lead my conversation. I always pray that my words are His because He knows the people I am going to be connecting with and what they need to hear way better than I do. Guess what? Every time, He meets me right where I am and He gives me the words I need to say. Sometimes I can prepare ahead of time and other times it feels like I just jumped into a stray VW bus and I am making it up on the fly! Either way, He is always glorified in my story. He is glorified because He is good even when life isn’t. More than that, I know at a deeper level than I did 3 years ago that He is doing a good work in me and will carry it out until it is completed!  

So, if you are feeling brave or even if you aren’t, go on an adventure. It could be as close as having a conversation with your neighbor or as far away as across the world from where you live. Regardless, just go, and when you go make space in your adventure to allow God to use you. Allow quiet space to be able to hear and listen to His still small voice leading and guiding you. 

Let’s go on an adventure!

This is me. I am learning to love who I am becoming even though it looks nothing like I thought it would 4 years ago and even as recently as a year ago. Things change. Jobs change. People in your life change for various reasons. Yet, God never changes. 

As I sit here and write I realize something that I had not thought of before this last month, I have not been authentically me. Here is what I mean by that. I have hidden or held back pieces of my personality, energy, and just me as an overall package to try and fit in a mold where I do not belong. That should never be the case. Can you relate? 

My goal moving forward is to be authentically me. Because this is the “me” that God made. He created me uniquely and with a purpose! So, take it or leave it. Either I am too much or just enough for you to handle, manage, or be around daily. Regardless, my holding back and not being fully authentic ends now. I have not endured heart-shattering loss, rebuilding, growth, and moment-by-moment reliance on my Heavenly Father to walk through life trying to fit in molds where I do not belong. My Heavenly Father made a mold that was intended just for me and I need to only worry about making that one fit and wearing it to the fullness that He intended me to!

Recently I had a birthday. I turned 48, marking the 4th time I celebrated without Jason. Each year I am shocked when I hit that wall on my day where I only want to hear him celebrate me, hug me, or just see that twinkle in his eye and his smile again. Yet every year it has snuck up on me and I find myself holding back tears. This year was no different. This year also had other emotions competing for attention which made it extra difficult, but I made it through. I decided to travel for my birthday. I saw my family and watched my nephews and my niece do things that bring them joy. I took a friend that I have had in my life for more than 3 decades. If you do not have at least 1 lifelong friend, start that friendship now. I am better because she calls me out and never lets me hide behind the “I’m fine” answer I love to give. I pray that I am that same friend to her. We have seen the ultimate highs and lows in life together and our friendship has survived. I pray that we continue to be friends and sharpen each other to keep God at the center and never settle for just “ok”.  

As I have been celebrating this birthday, I realized that life and the people you fill it with are precious. These people deserve your full attention. They deserve for you to look up from your screen and engage them in conversation. They deserve for you to pray for them when they ask. They deserve for you to lean in and listen not just to the words they say, but also the emotions they convey when they speak those words. I have not been the best at this lately and that changes now. Family and friends are my priority after God and my job. 

Additionally, I have realized that I deserve nothing less than God’s best for me. He has a plan and no amount of me pushing my plan on Him will change what He has for my life. I need to learn to sit at His feet, worship, pray, seek, knock, and be quiet enough to hear all He has to say to me. I know He is speaking and He longs to have a relationship with me that isn’t one-sided. One Sunday in church a pastor was talking about Mary and Martha. This story has come up over and over again over the last several years. You see, I tend to lean toward the doing of Martha and I need to learn how to sit at His feet like Mary. But this pastor brought out something different in this story. He talked about Mary sitting at Jesus’ feet as sweet worship. Worship and our relationship with our Heavenly Father is never about the doing, but always about the being. Wow, how often do I get busy and forget to just sit in the quiet presence of my Heavenly Father? I am learning that it is in this space where I find the me I have been hiding away. 

Finally, I want to yet again address the concept of feeling at home. This has been something I have struggled with the most since Jason died. He was my safe place, my support, and my home. When he died I felt lost, I felt alone and like I was ripped in half without the possibility of restoration. Slowly, this feeling of home has been restored. This has not been a quick process, it has been a day-to-day battle where I realized that home is not a person or a place. Home is where I spend time with my Heavenly Father. Because this earth is not our final destination we will never feel quite settled or satisfied. We should always feel misplaced and longing for our eternal home, heaven. In the meantime, here are some things I know now that I failed to realize before losing Jason 3+ years ago, or maybe I just understand these differently now.

• God is a God of hope and restoration.
  • He is always doing so much more than we realize. Even when it feels like He isn’t working or moving He is! Never doubt that!
• God has always been my true safe place, support, and home, not Jason.
• Jason was the earthly representation of my Heavenly Father and His love for me.
  • Because God has placed a desire in my heart to be married again, this quality is at the top of the list when I pray for that next man. 
• God loves to meet us in our despair and hurt.
  • We have to be willing to sit and allow Him to meet us. We have to give Him our hurts, pain, etc. 
• God loves to restore the broken pieces in a way you never expected.
  • Think of life like a tapestry. What is visible or displayed is a beautiful piece of art yet the back side is knots and threads that don’t make sense. Our Heavenly Father sees both sides and always makes sure they are beautiful and He gets the glory for the finished work.
• When I spend time with my Heavenly Father I am home.
  • Psalm 84 – read it. How our souls long to be in His presence. 
• Working to reflect Him in my daily life brings Him joy.
  • He delights in me. He delights in you! 
• He has a beautiful plan for this volume of my life and I need to be like Mary and sit with Him so I don’t miss it in the doing like Martha.

There is something so sweet about a child praising God. Singing myself as well as being able to listen to the little voices singing to their Heavenly Father song after song melts my heart. In addition to completely leaving me in a puddle, those songs instantly bring peace to the room, car, or wherever you happen to be. 

Some of these songs are and will forever be timeless. There are even those songs when you use just the title it can be both a faith statement and cause those around you to immediately recall the tune in their hearts and minds as well. Recently I was reminded of this, because in the same breath as I was singing along with some precious souls riding in my car,  I was immediately struck with a wave of emotion. You see when Jason died, I didn’t just lose him. I lost all of the dreams and plans we had as well. Beyond that, this time of year is typically filled with expected and unexpected grief potholes, but as we were driving and singing I found myself both smiling and then holding back tears. It was a beautiful moment. 

As I reflected on why I felt so many different emotions, I was reminded that my Heavenly Father promised to turn mourning into dancing and exchange beauty for ashes. He promises restoration and in that moment I knew that He would be true to His word. He will not fail me because that is not His character. He is good and He is faithful. He not only answers prayer, but He answers it in a way that goes above and beyond anything we could ever ask or imagine! As you continue reading you will find some of my favorite songs, why they mean so much to me personally, and how they have impacted my life over the years. 

Amazing Grace 

“Amazing Grace” was written in 1772 by John Newton and published in 1779. This song has been a favorite for me and my family for years. My dad loved this hymn. He said it was because he was that wretch at one time in his life. He also said it was because he knew that God truly saved him. My dad did not grow up in a traditional Christian home, nor did he attend a Christian church. He did not grow up reading his Bible or talking about God. He, in his own words, was really great at sinning. He lived life and had fun! When he met my mom they continued this life for a while, until one day they were “tricked” into attending church (long, but a truly amazing story). That day was the day his life changed. When he went to church, we all went as a family. This meant that the culture of our family and everything in our home became different overnight. My dad’s “yes” changed the trajectory of his life and the lives of my mom, my sister, and myself as well as all the generations yet to come. I am forever grateful that he responded to the altar call that day. This hymn causes me to be personally introspective and recall memories all at the same time. It beckons me to remember that it is only because of His grace and mercy that I am here and can have hope for tomorrow. It causes me to look inside and check in with where I am in my walk with my Heavenly Father.  Finally, it reminds me that no matter the story, once you say yes, His grace floods your life and you are forever changed because you allow HIM to author the story from that point. 

In Christ Alone

“In Christ Alone” is a popular modern Christian song written by Keith Getty and Stuart Townend, both songwriters of Christian hymns and contemporary worship music in the United Kingdom. The music was by Getty and the original lyrics were by Townend. It was composed in 2001. This “hymn” has personal meaning for me. It was one of my dad’s favorites. We played this at his memorial service and had the most beautiful violin solo to open the song. In the lyrics below there is such confidence, such certainty, and such conviction to the author’s faith. It causes me to think about my life and ignites a fire deep within to ensure that I can sing or even just live out these lyrics just as confidently as the author and artists who sing them throughout my daily life. I do not fear life and the experiences ahead, nor do I fear death because I know what a glorious reunion awaits on the other side. Yet, can I say that “Jesus commands my destiny” just as confidently? Not every day and that is something I am working towards. I dare you to read these lyrics without hearing the instrumental track in your head. 

No guilt in life, no fear in death, This is the power of Christ in me

From life’s first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man, Can ever pluck me from His hand

Till He returns or calls me home, Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

“In Christ Alone” causes me to remember standing next to my daddy with his arms stretched high in worship to his Heavenly Father and it also causes me to remember how hungry he was to continue learning more and never settling for checking the box of “yes, I read this or did that”. He wanted to fully give Jesus command of his destiny every day and with every breath. That my friends is a challenge I want to accept as well.  I want to live “In Christ alone” out daily. 

It is Well

“It Is Well With My Soul”, also known as “When Peace, Like A River”, is a hymn penned by hymnist Horatio Spafford and composed by Philip Bliss. First published in Gospel Hymns No. 2 by Ira Sankey and Bliss (1876), it is possibly the most influential and enduring hymn in the Bliss repertoire and is often taken as a choral model, appearing in hymnals of a wide variety of Christian fellowships. This hymn was written after traumatic events in Spafford’s life. The first was the Great Chicago Fire of 1871, which ruined him financially (he had been a successful lawyer and had invested significantly in property in the area of Chicago that was extensively damaged by the Great Fire). His business interests were further hit by the economic downturn of 1873, at which time he had planned to travel to England with his family on the SS Ville du Havre, to help with D. L. Moody’s upcoming evangelistic campaigns. In a late change of plans, he sent the family ahead while he was delayed on business concerning zoning problems following the Great Chicago Fire. While crossing the Atlantic Ocean, the ship sank rapidly after a collision with a sea vessel, the Loch Earn, and all four of Spafford’s daughters died.  His wife Anna survived and sent him the now famous telegram, “Saved alone …”. Shortly afterward, as Spafford traveled to meet his grieving wife, he was inspired to write these words as his ship passed near where his daughters had died.  Bliss called his tune Ville du Havre, from the name of the stricken vessel. 

I think I have always loved this hymn. The words have always sunk deep into my soul when I hear or sing this song. Even just the instrumental part can cause me to think deeply about the words of this hymn. Once I knew why it was written it made sense. The emotion in the words and the composure are breathtaking. I can recall what it was like to lose my father and my spouse but I cannot relate to the feeling of losing a child, let alone losing all of my children, and know that my spouse had to fight for their life knowing our babies were not going to survive. The deep grief he must have felt when he read that message and then again when he was on the ship passing through the same waters. Yet, he still could say “It is well with my soul.” I can tell you that walking through the loss of someone is extremely tough and depending on the circumstances and their age it is even more difficult to still cling to God and say “It is well with my soul”. But I can say that even on my darkest days, I still felt His presence. I still felt His peace and I always knew that He was good and He was faithful. So this hymn has had such a deep impact and has caused me to reflect on my journey every time I hear it played. I dare you to listen to this hymn and not feel the meaning behind each of the words now that you know some of its history. It is Well!

Great is Thy Faithfulness

Great Is Thy Faithfulness is a popular Christian hymn written by Thomas Chisholm (1866–1960) with music composed by William M. Runyan (1870–1957) in Baldwin City, Kansas. Thomas O. Chisholm wrote the poem in 1923 about God’s faithfulness over his lifetime. Chisholm sent the song to William Runyan in Kansas, who was affiliated with both the Moody Bible Institute and Hope Publishing Company. Runyan set the poem to music, and it was published that same year by Hope Publishing Company and became popular among church groups. The Biblical lyrics reference Lamentations 3:22-23. The song was exposed to wide audiences after becoming popular with Dr. William Henry Houghton of the Moody Bible Institute and Billy Graham, who used the song frequently on his international crusades.  

This song…oh this song hits deep. Just the title alone has weight. His faithfulness has been so ever present in every high and low in my life. There hasn’t been one moment when His presence wasn’t evident, even if it wasn’t always felt. Those words there are comforting. Honestly, just reading the title I can hear the song. But beyond that, there have been defining moments in my life where this song has been played. These moments have marked loss, sadness, grief, joy, change, and new adventures. Great is Thy Faithfulness!

Remember my affliction and my homelessness, the wormwood, and the poison. I continually remember them and have become depressed. Yet I call this to mind, and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s faithful love, we do not perish, for his mercies never end. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness! I say, “The Lord is my portion, therefore I will put my hope in him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the person who seeks him. It is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is still young. Lamentations 3:19-27 CSB

How Great Thou Art

This hymn is based on an original Swedish hymn entitled “O Store Gud” written in 1885 by Carl Boberg. The English version of the hymn and its title are a loose translation by the English missionary Stuart K. Hine from 1949. This hymn reminds me how great my God is and also the promise of reunification with Him and those who have gone before. Let’s look at the first and last verse: 

Oh Lord, my God

When I, in awesome wonder

Consider all the worlds Thy hands have made

I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder

Thy power throughout the universe displayed…

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation

And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart

Then I shall bow, in humble adoration

And then proclaim, my God, how great Thou art

I don’t know about you, but just reading that makes me want to sing. I love being outdoors. I love walking through nature, whether that is in the prairies of Oklahoma, the Mountains in Colorado, or the beaches of Florida and every other place that I have yet to explore! God made it all and what a plethora of landscapes we have to view the beautiful creation that He has made. The best part is that it all points to Him. The creativeness and the intricate details all point to their Creator in shouts of acclamation! Then reading the final verse, I realized what a glorious day that will be when we see our loved ones once again and God makes all things new. How Great Thou Art! 

You see these are just a few of the songs that have made an impact on my life. I have playlists that remind me of the time when Jason was in the hospital fighting for his life. I have playlists that are filled with hope and some that are even to kick start my day in worship to my Heavenly Father. Whatever the occasion, I probably have a playlist for it! When life gets chaotic and loud, music quiets my mind and helps me to focus my heart and thoughts on God. 

If you have read this far, I would be interested to know what songs have impacted you throughout your life and journey, or maybe what your go-to worship song is. I know we all have one, it’s that one that when you sing it in church makes you reach for your tissue!

Which is better, to love or be loved? 

I have had this question rolling around in my head for a while now and I guess the answer depends on the filter applied to the question. Here are my thoughts. 

First, let’s look at it through an earthly perspective. Our culture and society have instilled in us a  “Hollywood” version of love. They have literally brainwashed us into believing that there are deep “foot popping” feelings that accompany this word. Yet, that is not true. To love someone is to say that you are there for them regardless of the state of mind or circumstance of the moment. To love someone is to agree to work through any hard moments or uncomfortable conversations. To love someone is to be there when they need you whether it is convenient or not. Inversely to be loved by someone is something very raw and vulnerable. It is opening yourself up to potential pain and suffering yet still hoping for the very best. It is being willing to meet in the middle when life throws hard moments your way. It is not giving someone the silent treatment when all you need to do is face the hard conversation and start talking. Allowing yourself to be loved by someone is to take off the mask you wear and show them your true self. It is not easy and often it ends in disaster, yet for the times it does not, it is so worth the effort!

Next, if the filter is that of a Heavenly perspective, it means you are wondering if it is better to love God or be loved by God. The answer is both. You cannot have one without the other because God is love. Period. We can only love Him because He first loved us. It could also be said that He cannot love us any more or any less than He does right now because He is love and that doesn’t change. Now think about those 3 little words: He is love. I am not sure what emotions that brings up in your body or spirit, but for me, it literally brings me to tears. Mainly because I think about how much I love my daughter, how much I love my family, and how much I love all the other important people in my life. I can only feel those feelings for those people because of my Heavenly Father. Because He is love, I can love others.

Finally, I want to ask you, probably a somewhat controversial question and one that I have a hard time answering myself. Do you love yourself? No, really think about that for a moment and be honest with yourself. Do you love yourself? If not, think about why. I know I have my reasons where I could say no sometimes, yet as I read the Bible I am reminded time after time that there are zero conditions to God’s love for me. Whether I am a sinner or a saint, He loves me just the same. How do I know? Because He sent His son to die for me and for everyone else. He made provision for us before we were even born. He sent His son to be the living sacrifice so we could be loved by Him and love Him in return. He sent His Son to be crucified, buried, and raised from the dead so we could have a relationship with Him today. That is how I know He loves me unconditionally. 

I know we often say we love people in our lives unconditionally, yet there is always something that gets in the way of that statement because we are human. We hold grudges, we get hurt, and we struggle to forgive but God does not. So, I want to challenge you (and myself as well) to think about this the next time you struggle with loving yourself. God created you. He intentionally created you with a specific blend of gifts and talents that are unique to just you. He placed you in this time for a purpose. He gifted you with your family, friends, coworkers, and community because just as much as you need them, they need what you have. You are not a mistake, nor were you some accident, regardless of what people in your life have told you. God loves you and He intended you to love Him and those around you well. Tell your people you love them. Say it often and make it known. So I want to ask you again, do you think it is better to love or be loved?  

Finally, I want to leave you with the “Love Chapter” out of the Amplified Version. Please take a few moments and not only read these scriptures but use them as a confession. Take them to heart and recognize that for us, love is work, not a feeling.

I Corinthians 13:1-13 – “If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love [for others growing out of God’s love for me], then I have become only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal [just an annoying distraction]. And if I have the gift of prophecy [and speak a new message from God to the people], and understand all mysteries, and [possess] all knowledge; and if I have all [sufficient] faith so that I can remove mountains, but do not have love [reaching out to others], I am nothing. If I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it does me no good at all. Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. It does not rejoice at injustice but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], and endures all things [without weakening]. Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]. But as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for the gift of special knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part [for our knowledge is fragmentary and incomplete]. But when that which is complete and perfect comes, that which is incomplete and partial will pass away. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now [in this time of imperfection] we see in a mirror dimly [a blurred reflection, a riddle, an enigma], but then [when the time of perfection comes we will see reality] face to face. Now I know in part [just in fragments], but then I will know fully, just as I have been fully known [by God].  And now there remain: faith [abiding trust in God and His promises], hope [confident expectation of eternal salvation], love [unselfish love for others growing out of God’s love for me], these three [the choicest graces]; but the greatest of these is love.”

Well, here we are again rounding the corner to another milestone. If I sit and think about it, I cannot believe that we have made it to the 3-year mark. How has it been that long and how has it not been longer? If you know…you know. 

When I reflect back on the first year it was truly about grit and survival. When I read my journals or even just read through my social media memories or early blog posts here,  it is amazing that I was able to put coherent thoughts together for you to read. I was barely making it through each day only to retreat to my home, fill my time by being “busy” only to try putting together a few hours of sleep before throwing back some coffee and starting all over again the next day. When I look at pictures from that first year, they show a person smiling or doing whatever activity was available, but when I look at them I see the pain, the emptiness, and quite frankly the deep grief that I was trying my best to navigate. It made me look like a shell of who I was and who I am today. 

Then when I finally made it to year 2, I started to feel the widow’s grief brain begin to clear up and I finally felt like I was standing on somewhat level ground or rather like I just might be leveling out to a “new normal”. It was at this time that I was hit with some unknown type of nuclear emotions that arrived out of nowhere around all the anniversaries or hard days. Why? Well, my theory is that you are in such a numb shell of yourself state in year 1 that you are focusing on survival and just making it to the next day you celebrate those wins. Then, in year 2, you let your guard down just a little, because you have navigated these days before so you should know all the potholes and be able to make it easily through…not! Year 2 has revealed a new level of vulnerability and emotion. It has left me in tears over the silliest of things and in the most public of places. If you know me, you know it is not my normal way or place to process emotion. I have found myself on more than one occasion saying, “Yep, that’s year 2 for you!” and those who are ahead of me just nod because they know. 

So what is in store for year 3? I am not sure. But what I do know is that I will continue to move forward. I will continue to live, thrive, and relentlessly protect the legacy of Jason for Abby. What I have learned from year 1 and 2 is that I have amazing people in my life. They have held me up when I didn’t have the strength, just like Aaron and Hur did for Moses when he could no longer hold up his arms. They have prayed for me and they have prayed with me! They have celebrated my wins and have accompanied me on some of my most excellent adventures. They have truly been an earthly example of my Heavenly Father’s love and I know that I would not be reaching this milestone without them. There is not a finer group of people that I want walking alongside me into year 3 and beyond.

Now, let’s talk about this whole moving forward thing. Some might not understand or accept that I even use the term “moving forward’, but let me explain. I am in my 40’s, I have a whole life ahead of me and I want to fill that life with adventure, love, and all my favorite people. Does this mean that I am forgetting about the life I had with Jason? Nope! On the contrary, it means that I am taking all that I learned from that “Volume 1” part of my life and using it to help me be the best version of myself in this “Volume 2” life I am now living. As I said earlier, I want to fiercely protect the legacy as well as my memories of Jason, yet I want nothing more than to make new memories, love deeply, and share the rest of my life with someone else, so yes, I am dating. 

I know this is something I have not shared on this platform before, but I felt like it was time. Also, when I started this blog I knew that I was being asked and stretched to share all the parts of my walk in widowhood. The good, the bad, and the ugly if you will, but I have held this piece close for a variety of personal reasons. Now, I am ready to share. You see, during year 2 I embarked on the adventure of dating. Please keep in mind that this was something that I had not done in about 30 years and let’s be honest, whoever thinks or plans on what they will do when they are faced with having to start dating again in their 40’s, 50’s, and beyond? Not me! This was a daunting task because how does one meet someone when you don’t frequent the “typical” places that people meet and the quality people you and your friends know are all married or in committed relationships? Well, I went online and I informed my people of my new adventure. As I informed them of what I was doing, I sent them on deep-dive fact-finding missions anytime I found a worthy suitor. Let me just say, they understood the assignment and I love them for being willing to help me out! If you are in a similar situation, please find people who can help you in this way. It helped me find out who I was really talking to and helped me feel confident once I decided to meet someone face-to-face. 

When I first began this journey it was a process of trial and error. I had to be honest with myself about what I am looking for and more importantly what qualities are important to me now at this stage of my life. I found that I was blissfully ignorant about certain things in my 20’s…yet it did lead to a beautiful experience that spanned a little more than 2 decades. As a result, I began to narrow down what characteristics and qualities I desired out of a partner that I would want to grow older with me. 

What I did know was that the person I chose to date was not going to be compared to Jason, because that is not what dating in this phase of my life is about.  I am not looking for a replacement. I am looking for someone who enhances this “Volume 2” version of me. Someone who compliments me and brings me joy. I am looking for someone who is both the same as me and the opposite of me in all the best ways! I also knew that it was important for me to be looking for someone who has a relationship with God. Someone who is actively seeking and learning more about Him daily. Someone who reads the Word, asks questions, and isn’t afraid to lean in and dig deep. Someone willing to fight for me when times get tough as well as someone willing to fight alongside me in any challenge we might face as we grow older. 

So, you should know that for the last several months, I have spent time getting to know someone. He makes me laugh and he is kind. He opens all the doors and he can match my sass and stubbornness with ease and in the best way. He understands my story and honors the place that Jason held. He has a story but it is not the same as mine and I honor the memories and past that he has as well. He has people who love him and want nothing more for him than to be happy. He has people that are as protective over him as my people are of me and honestly, that is how it should be at any age! He loves God and is actively seeking to learn more like me and as a result, we have great discussions about sermons and have even engaged in a deep dive Bible study of the book of James. Sure, we don’t agree on everything, but we are still in that “get to know you and how you respond” phase. More than anything we are taking our time and enjoying the process. There is no rush and it means that we can be in the moment and enjoy making all the memories. 

Before I finish this post, I want to put a few things out there for the widow reading this and also for those walking alongside a grieving widow who is moving forward daily but who also may be branching out and dating again. Please keep in mind this is a list of my experiences and conversations I have had with other widows. I would love to hear your experiences and feedback!

For the widow who might be reading this: 

• There is no right or wrong way to walk through grief and widowhood. 
• I know you are doing your best to grieve well and honor the life and legacy of your spouse daily and I also see you are trying to find who you are now and what your God-given calling and purpose is for this chapter of your life.
• You got this! You are stronger than you think you are and you can do challenging things!
• If you want to date again, go for it. If you do not, go for it. Regardless, get involved with a local widows group at your church. Those women there need what you have to offer and you need what they have to offer. We should not walk this journey alone!

For the friends, family, and community walking alongside a widow:

• Be patient and kind. Ask questions but do not assume that we will immediately have an answer it may take us a while to process how we want to answer.
• If you are also walking through grief, please do not project your processing and timeline onto us. We have our own processing, timeline issues, and stress to deal with and do not need additional stress.
•  What you may see, feel, or identify as a “rash’ decision may have been the result of a long process and discussions that you were not privy to behind the scenes. We are making our decisions through prayer and wise counsel. 
• Come to the table with an open mind when you are invited to meet our new person. Remember, the widow is not actively seeking a replacement, but an enhancement. This applies to our relationship with you as well as to the relationship with our deceased spouse. 

More than anything, know that we love you just as much as you love us. We are not dating or seeking new widowed friends to replace you, but to help ground us and provide a joyous and hopeful outlook on the next chapter, or rather our Volume 2 life.

So, here is to year 3. May it hold all the adventure, love, and life that all the years previous and all the years yet to come! 

I have written a lot about the tension between grief and joy. There always seems to be some fence that I am straddling and constantly torn between two sides of life. I guess it will always be this way, yet I do not allow it to prevent me from moving forward. I have recently defined this feeling as more of a Volume 1 versus Volume 2 kind of a life. 

I feel like with all that I have walked through I have grown and become a different person and yet every now and then I see echoes of that Samantha character from Volume 1. Volume 1 has had a very real impact on who I am in Volume 2, but there are so many differences. I could not stay the same. And the same should be said about you. Your experiences in life should change you. Your relationship with your Heavenly Father should change you, especially if you are truly leaning into all that God is asking of you and calling you to do. It should change you. This is not easy and really, let’s be honest it is not all fun. It is hard work and it demands something from you in return. Change. 

Change can be scary and yet at the same time it holds so much hope! Hope for something new. Hope for a new adventure. Hope in rebuilding a life anchored in your Heavenly Father. That being said…being a widow is hard. Truthfully, being a woman is hard. The days are long and honestly I know we can all say that each day presents us with moments we never thought we would have regardless of your journey. As I have walked through some of the hardest days of my life, which I might add I never thought I would have to do until I was about 90, I have realized that I am stuck right in the middle of here and there (some also say the already and not yet). I think loss in general highlights this for us as believers. The Bible makes it very clear that we are not currently residing in our “home”. We are foreigners in this land. As foreigners we will face troubles, hardships and struggles. More than anything it is uncomfortable. Sure, there are good times, times filled with joy and blessings. Yet it is also hard and filled with uncertainty. BUT GOD. 

But God. I think there aren’t two words that could separate my Volume 1 and 2 than those two right there…BUT GOD. You see: 

• The enemy meant for the loss of my spouse to ruin me. To make me question my belief in my Heavenly Father and ultimately my faith. BUT GOD. 
• The enemy meant for the loss of my spouse to make me feel isolated and question the worth of my life without my high school sweetheart and my first love. BUT GOD.
• The enemy meant for the loss of my spouse and the father of my baby girl to divide and break our family into irreparable pieces. BUT GOD.
• The enemy meant for the loss of my spouse to cause me to question my worth, my value, my career and my community. BUT GOD. 

Here is what my Heavenly Father has done in the wake of losing my spouse:

• He has shown me what healthy grieving (for me) looks like.
• He has provided beautiful friends, family and community to walk alongside me and my daughter.
• Through others He has provided meals, supplies and finances when needed.
• He has provided favor in deals and purchases.
• He has provided me with grit and grace to make it through the easy days as well as the days where I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed.
• He has shown me that all of my questions are valid and acceptable. 
• He has shown me that I am not alone, I am worthy of His love and my life still has a meaning and a purpose.
• He has provided beautiful opportunities to connect with my daughter in a way that never would have been possible without walking through this loss and grief together. If you love dark humor, hang out with us for a while, we are always laughing about something! 
• He has opened my eyes to see that everyone is either currently walking through their own valley, just completed a walk through a valley or is preparing to enter a valley. No matter what part of the story others are in I should treat them gently and like others treated me. 
• He has shown me that I am worthy because He intentionally created me and called me to a purpose that is far beyond what I ever planned or imagined for my life. Because I still have breath in my lungs He still has a plan and a purpose for me. 
• He has provided spaces and places where I could share my story and use it to encourage and cheer others on in their walk. Being a widow, or really just a woman in today’s society is not easy. We should be cheering our sister on to what they are called to do. This life is not a competition!

Our stories and words have power. They have the power to encourage and embolden others around us. So while your story may not be the same as mine, it is still powerful and can impact your community. What is your BUT GOD moment or rather your testimony? Share it, because there is power in what God has done in your life and people need to hear your story so they can be encouraged and empowered. 

Life is funny. Life is hard. It can be full of laughter and tears all at the same time. I am not sure why this is still something that surprises me since this grief journey has been daily full of joy and sorrow, but alas it takes me off guard every time! 

Hunker down folks it is story time! In early 2021, Jason and I decided to downsize in hopes of stockpiling cash to eventually build our dream home. You know the home I am talking about…the one you want your grandbabies to come visit, swim, run, play, sleep and make all the memories in! That was our dream, our goal and something we were actively planning for when he got sick. As a part of the plan we knew we had to rent a storage unit so we started the search and found a few we liked that were close to where we would be living. 

Then May hit and life changed with one visit to urgent care. From that day forward nothing I knew would be the same. I started to pack for moving because Jason was not in a position to help and eventually he was in the hospital. While packing I was also sorting what gets moved and what gets stored. At the time we were living in a 2200 square foot house and moving into a 2 bedroom apartment that was about 1000 square feet. It was a challenge and yet I was able to easily tap into my love of organization!

Fast forward almost 3 years and my daughter and I were tasked with downsizing and moving our items from where we stashed them to a place of my choosing. It is smaller and more budget friendly and closer to where I live now so I can access it when I need something. But man, I was not ready for this task. I am not sure why I procrastinated for as long as I did. Maybe I didn’t really want to face all the things in those boxes, or maybe I didn’t want to see something that would trigger a memory or an emotion among all of the dust bunnies. But I faced the boxes and sure enough I found things I had never seen before, or at least in about 3 years and yes, the emotions were triggered as well!

One item stopped me in my tracks. It was a journal with our names and wedding date engraved on the front. Inside the order of service and what was to be said during our wedding ceremony was lovingly printed, cut and glued to the pages. I knew about this, yet when flipping through the extra pages I came across something I never knew was there, or if I did, I had forgotten about it after almost 27 years. But there I stood in a storage unit, illuminated with 2 phone lights and just froze. I immediately was brought to tears by the handwritten words of Jason’s father. You see, Jason and I both were kids of parents in the ministry, so naturally our ceremony was performed by primarily his father, but my dad spoke a blessing over us as well. It was one of the most special parts of the event and I have a beautiful photo to remind me of the family affair!  

I glanced over the page and quickly closed the book and put it to the side for safe keeping so I could read it later when I had the space to really process all the emotions of the moment and kept moving boxes. Then we hit the photo box. You know the one…it has all the photo albums, developed film, and all the loose pictures of random things you once thought were meaningful and we yet again got sidetracked. Eventually we finished the bulk of the moving but not before I had a few thoughts on storage. 

So here you go!

1. What once was meaningful, really now is clutter and some of what was once clutter is now extremely meaningful!
2. There are certain boxes and items I was completely fine walking away from and others that I will cherish always.
3. Storage can be a time capsule and at times it felt like a doorway to a completely different lifetime.
4. Do the work of sorting through things so your children do not have to do that for you one day. But if you can’t do it on your own, take them with you. Some things mean more to them than to you and vice versa!
5. If you take your kids with you and they find something, allow them to take it to their home. It then is out of your storage area and they can enjoy the memories it evokes when they look at it daily or it can also become part of their storage. That is a win-win!
6. Sort, trash, give away in stages. I have completed round 1 but one day I want to declutter to the point where I no longer have to rent a storage unit. 
7. Once you decide what goes into each pile do not change your mind! 
8. Sometimes moving forward requires you to reflect and remember before taking a step. This is ok and necessary, but be careful not to get stuck. Climb out of those piles and rejoin your daily life!

Friend, what lessons have you learned from the “storage” areas in your life? What do you have to share with your people about the relics in those boxes and bins? What pictures do you need to go through and talk about? Finally, what do you need to sort through, throw away and keep as meaningful treasures for generations to come?

Closing thought: Do not let your life story only live on through your things. Sow the gifts and talents your Heavenly Father has given you into those in your life so your legacy and your story can live on for generations to come. Through this, God gets the glory every time your name is mentioned and your story is told.

When was the last time you read this scripture and just thought about the weight of the words? 

“For to me, to live is Christ [He is my source of joy, my reason to live] and to die is gain [for I will be with Him in eternity].” Philippians 1:21 (AMP)

To be honest I have not read that scripture in a while, nor have I really thought about what it means and really considered the weight of the words since Jason passed away. Most people do not really want to focus on the death side of this scripture because maybe that makes them face their mortality or maybe it causes them to realize that there is more to life than our selfish ambitions. 

Let’s take a moment to look at this scripture because living like Christ is no easy task. He was after all 100% God and 100% man. He did not sin even though He put on a fleshy body and walked among us. He lived His life as an example for us. Yet we fail daily. I fail daily and even more often than that because of my flesh. Yet there are glimpses of other pieces that He intended for us to grasp in my daily life. I forgive, I love and I lean into the purpose He has called me to do during this season of my life. 

He also demonstrated for us that we are to spread the gospel. This does not mean we are all called to some foreign land to sleep in tents and possibly eat bugs, but it does mean that we should live our lives in such a way that when we encounter people that they see and feel the love of God. That we (for lack of a better word) ooze Jesus. Take a moment to think about the fruits of the spirit from Galatians 5:22-24 ESV “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.” These are some of the traits that should be evident if we are living like Christ. 

But what about the second part of that scripture…to die is gain? That is hard to comprehend as a human. We know that when we die we take nothing with us. It stays here to be given away or divided up amongst our loved ones. So why is death viewed as gain? Maybe it is because we trade our flesh for a resurrected, heavenly body, maybe because we will no longer experience pain, sickness, sadness and all the other things this life brings? Maybe it is because there will no longer be disease, sickness and sin? Maybe it is because we will have the opportunity to spend eternity worshiping our Heavenly Father? Whatever the reason, the gain comes from viewing this earthly home and body as something temporary that we will eventually trade in for something eternal. That is the ultimate gain. 

I titled this “The Duality of Life” because we as Christians are foreigners in this land called earth. There is a daily reality of this duality of our life here on earth. We should alway be willing to lean in and experience more of this life because time is more precious with our family, friends, loved ones and community with each passing day. It seems lately that I know more and more people either fighting for their life or losing a battle to some disease. It is heartbreaking and it brings with it so many questions that I know I will not get the answers to this side of Heaven.

Yet, these people, myself and so many others are more aware of and continue to navigate this all too familiar duality of life. This duality means living in faith, believing in the power of healing miracles and also realizing that if death wins here on earth there is still victory because the ultimate prize is being able to spend eternity in heaven worshipping our Heavenly Father. Even experiencing this first hand with the loss of my father and the loss of my spouse I find that it is tough to understand all the “Why questions” and also understand that God has a larger view of humanity as well as a purpose and a plan regardless of what the enemy tries to do to alter it and even stop it. I like this passage from I Corinthians 15: 50-58 ESV:

“I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory.” “O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.” 

Friends, what does  the duality of life look like from your perspective? How do you navigate the challenges without allowing the enemy to halt your progress or interfere with your relationship with your Heavenly Father? Where in your life can you remain steadfast (what does that look like) or immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord?  

In honor of a month where the theme is love I felt it very appropriate to share with you about the ones I love and hold dear in my life. They have been and continue to be my incredible support system. My people, or rather, my circle has played an important role in my grief journey and dare I even say they have saved my life. So, without further ado, I would like to tell you more about my circle. 

There is a circle, one that is vitally important in every person’s life. It is not what that one Disney movie calls “ the circle of life”, but this circle is living and breathing. It is the circle of friends and family that you hold near and dear. Depending on your circle you may have a few or many or maybe just one, but regardless of the number these people are responsible for you making it to today and maybe they even encouraged you to read this post. These people care deeply for you and will move heaven and earth to ensure your well-being. 

One day I heard one of my people say, “I am so glad I found Jesus. I do not know where I would be without Him,” My first reaction was to say, “I feel the same way.” Then I stopped. I know where I would be. It is hard to say out loud let alone type it for anyone to read, but I know I would not be alive today without my Heavenly Father and my circle. If you don’t know me, you might think that statement is dark and hard to comprehend. If you do know me you might wonder what I mean, how I could say that or maybe even be wondering what event it was that would have caused me to make that type of decision. To be honest, there have been a couple over the course of my life…but God. It was in these moments I audibly heard His voice as He pursued me with a relentless passion and saved my life. Then, when I was doing everything I could to push Him away, He sent people. This is the main reason why I wanted to write about my circle and give you a glimpse into my people. They literally are responsible for me being able to be here today and be able to share with you the real life stories of this 40 something widow walking out her healing day by day. It wouldn’t be fair of me to only write about the good things or to put a shiny spin on the things that quite honestly suck. So ladies and gentlemen, meet my circle!

I am going to start with my immediate family. You have heard the statement, “It was the best of times and the worst of times”, well, that goes for family because they are there for it all! These people have been through fire with me, cried with me and we have also laughed at all the funny things and enjoyed happy moments together. My mom has been a rock for as long as I can remember. She is a descendant of a long line of strong, independent women that know how to own their space. Some may say that we are typical southern women who are stubborn or strong-willed, but I say we all just know how to be the ultimate “boss babe”. She is reliable and compassionate and there is no one else I would want in charge of praying over anything than my momma. She has displayed to me what it looks like to walk out widowhood with grace and how to rely on God’s strength in times of complete personal weakness. She raised two strong women to love God and love others. She is the Gigi to 5 amazing grandkids and she is the fierce protector of the family stories and legacy. She is always on the go and I am quite sure my sense of adventure and the love of road trips comes from her.  I am proud to be her daughter and I hope that one day I am half as good at life as she is! Next up is my “little” sister. She has style, she has grace, she has empathy and she is the “feeler” of the family. She was tough as nails on the basketball court but she is even tougher in real life! I am forever thankful we have always been on the same team. She swooped in and made sure I stayed hydrated and ate food in the early days when I could barely remember what day it was. She is creative and has always had some clever joke, story or poem for each person in her life. If you have ever been the recipient of a poem you know just how special you are! She is raising 3 boys to be men of God and training them to not bow to mainstream culture. These boys are growing into fine young men who are talented and can even shoot a free throw (IYKYK). She is also raising her own “boss babe”. She is a fierce warrior and at 7 years old she has her own opinions of the world and how it should work. She is a force to be reckoned with and will most definitely make an impact for the Kingdom with her story and her life! So, in short one day I would also love to be half the woman of God, mom and wife that my sister is everyday! She is my hero. Finally, my girl. My mini me and my little clone. She too is a fierce warrior. She radiates the joy of her daddy and her Heavenly Father and always seems to have that twinkle in her eye that makes you wonder what she is up to. She, like myself, my sister, my niece and my mom has the traits of a boss babe and she owns her space very well. She is secure in her relationship with God and she is a fighter for the Kingdom. She has my sass and attitude and yet her daddy’s wit and intelligence is woven tightly into every fiber of her being. Do not cross her or do her wrong. Do not talk bad about her to her face or behind her back. She will confront you with a holy vengeance and if necessary she will not only burn the bridge you are standing on but she will make sure that until you come back with a proper apology and actions to back it up or there will be no way a bridge can be rebuilt. I know I have said this before, but when I grow up I want to be like her. I want to have her courage, her ability to be lovingly blunt and just a fraction of her joy in the face of extreme adversity. I am not sure she knows how much I love her, although one day when she has her own children she will. My love for her is an inexplicable amount. Daily, she is my why and she is the only reason I kept going and have fought for my mental, spiritual and physical health everyday. 

Next up is my extended family. These people came from near and far to offer care and support. They are my family no matter if they are family by blood or by marriage. These precious people were there when I needed them. They helped me when I was navigating medical and life changing decisions and they were there when I desperately needed advice, prayer or even space to laugh and cry. They were there the day my world fell apart and they helped put pieces together for me in the early days and everyday since. They are there when I need a soft place to land, advice, help, a cousin day or even a bonus sister brunch. They are even there now when I need to chat or even a quick getaway and a change of scenery. These people make me laugh, like the deep soul laugh that you can feel is healing you from the inside. It pushes away the darkness and even if just for a moment makes the weight of grief feel nonexistent. I needed these people and I needed their prayers, love and support. In all honesty, I still need these people. They hold memories of Jason, of my daddy, and of our extended family members that have passed already. These memories that they hold are ones that I do not have but they are important ones that help preserve the legacy of our family. This is why having family in your circle is  important. Together we tell a collective story.  

The next members of my circle are the ones I have placed there by choice. These people have known me from elementary school, from my 20’s, my 30’s and even from less than a decade ago. These people had every opportunity to turn and walk away when it was hard and ugly and yet they have stayed. Believe me some of them have seen me at my absolute worst, yet they stayed. These people stayed when they didn’t know what to say and they have been there with a hug, a conversation, a meal, a road trip, a bucket list day and everyday and moment in-between. These people leaned in and have had the uncomfortable conversations and have gone out of their way to ensure that I continue doing the hard work so I do not get stuck. They have shown me love in my loveable and unlovable moments and for that I am forever grateful. These people have prayed for me, they have prayed with me, and most importantly they have given me the space to grieve in whatever way I needed. They have allowed me to say the things that maybe should not have been said out loud yet they listened and didn’t judge (although I am sure some of them were extremely worried for my spiritual and mental health at one time or another). Some of these people are closer than others yet they are all part of my circle. I know that if I called any of these people they would drop whatever they are doing to come help me. I know this, because they have already done this many times. I pray that I am able to add to their lives even a fraction as much as they have added to mine. 

A special group are my fellow widows. Some of these ladies fit into other groups but they deserve a shout out nonetheless. When you have walked a similar path as other women there is something easy and comforting that you can sit across from or next to another woman and just be yourself. They understand in ways that others do not what it feels like to lose your spouse, your best friend and the person who helps you get through daily life. Walking alongside these ladies gives me a glimpse of what others in my circle have walked me through. These ladies are tough. They have grit. More than anything they know what it means to walk through the valley and rely on their Heavenly Father for everything they need even if it is just getting up each morning. I treasure the time I spend with these ladies and every time I walk away refreshed, encouraged and challenged. These ladies display strength and grace in a way that I hope others see in me. To my widow friends, thank you for walking with me. 

The final group are my extras. Please do not let that label fool you. The extras are people that have waltzed in and either become a fixture in the circle or held a space for a moment when needed. The role of an extra is vitally important and ensures that the circle is strong and complete. I hold a place of deep regard and love for my extras. I know that I would not be here today without them but most importantly I know that God sent them into my circle for the time that they have held space or even are still holding space. If you have ever walked through grief you know how important these extra spaces are, it takes a special person to navigate this space and in the words of Kenny Rogers, “Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away and know when to run.” The extra space is not a forever space. If the person ends up staying they typically move to a family space or the friend space to open the space for another extra. So you see…these spaces are just as important as the rest. These extras have brought joy, they have spoken honesty into my life, they have called out gifts and talents in me that I had never seen, and most importantly they never let me stay where I was comfortable but challenged me to boldly step out of my comfort zone. If you are reading this and you were or are an extra, thank you. Thank you for stepping into my life and not allowing me to settle for less than God’s best for me. 

I know this is a different post than what I normally write up, but I have talked a lot about “my people” and yet I have failed to describe just what they mean to me. Still with this I feel like I have only scratched the surface. I pray that each of them read this and even if they don’t I pray that they know just how important they are in my life.  I pray they know just how valuable and precious they are to me and how I treasure every moment I get to spend with them because I know time is fleeting. I pray that I have the opportunity to sow into their lives the kind of love, friendship, compassion and even honesty that they have sown into mine. I pray that they know they are loved and seen by me and by their Heavenly Father, even if we do not see each other everyday. 

Dear friend, I pray that you have a circle. I pray that you are blessed with at least one person who can advocate for you, who can pray with you and for you, and above all I pray that you have someone to stand next to you when you need someone to fight alongside you in the daily battles of life. 

Time is a funny thing. Sometimes it flies, sometimes it drags and sometimes it seems to completely stop. But why? Why is time like this? Just the other day I heard someone say, “I cannot believe it is almost Christmas, it was just October yesterday!” and I have never agreed with anything more. At that moment I realized that we are quickly approaching the end of yet another year and now here we are at the top of 2024!

2023 has been packed full with walking through so many firsts, seconds and now thirds! It feels odd to say, but I feel like I am truly living for the first time in my life. I have decided that I am the captain of my “ship” and I get to call the shots. Decisions and consequences for my daily life are mine alone and for some reason that brings comfort to this Type A, Enneagram 1 planner extraordinaire.  Maybe this is because I have reached an age where I no longer am driven by what other people think, maybe it is because I know on a deep level and am living out daily what my calling and purpose is for this season of my life. Maybe it is because after walking through such deep loss and working to put some of the pieces back together that I finally feel like I know the new me a little better and see how this still beautiful life is taking shape. Whatever the case may be, time is still a funny thing. This calendar year has seemingly flown by and we are now starting yet another new year. 

When I reflect on what 2023 has held, I smile. There have been some beautiful moments where it was extremely evident that God was present and in every detail, there have been some moments that made me laugh, there have been some moments that made me cry, and there have been some moments where I felt the pain of loss and grief so deeply it was as if I were taken back to July of 2021. Regardless of the emotions in each moment, I know that God has been with me and will continue to walk alongside me in my life. For this, I am so very thankful. 2023 has also brought a lot of new things and people into my life. I have continued writing this blog and sharing new content, my good friend and I started a podcast (Courage & Wildflowers), I started a new job completely outside my training as an educator (but I love it and it is perfect for this phase in my life), I have even started branching out in other areas as well, but those will have to wait for their own blog post.

When time flies people often say it is because you are having fun, yet when you are walking through grief and deep loss time flying can be a thief. It steals those things that you hold most dear, like the scent of your loved one, the sound of their voice, their laugh and so much more. When time flies it feels like you are being swept further away from the time when you last had and held your person. In the early days I wanted nothing more than to grasp at everyday, every memory, every joke, every video, and basically everything and yet now I know that those things while fleeting are precious memories held permanently in my mind, my heart, my photo/video storage, and the conversations with my daughter and family where we recall all of the things that made us laugh. Now, I am making space for new memories and experiences. These do not replace the old ones, but somehow make them sweeter and allow me to hold all of them near and dear. It is yet another way joy and sorrow hold space together in this beautiful life I am living. 

When time drags on it can feel like a struggle. Every simple task seems difficult and the difficult tasks seem impossible. It is almost an act of congress to get out of bed, shower and be productive some days. In my early days of grief I was experiencing this widow/grief brain fog. It’s like normal brain fog but way worse. Yet somehow, everyday I forced myself to restart, to get up, get ready and move forward. Some days it was easier than others to put on that smile and pretend that all was OK. Other days it was near impossible and the power nap took over or I just took a walk outside where I could breathe in the fresh air and be barefoot (it’s a thing for me). Just being able to move and have a change of scenery helped me immensely. The grief bombs that awaited me on these types of days seemed atomic at times and crashed in when I was least expecting them. Yet, I will say, even on the most difficult of days I always felt the presence of my Heavenly Father. I knew He was with me, walking with me, comforting me and He always placed people in my day that I needed at just the right moment. The grace, mercy and favor was so very evident even in the deepest moments of widow/grief brain fog I was able to see His provision and it is still evident in all the moments of my daily life. 

Time as of now seems to be flying by. Fun is being had and yet I am also experiencing growth and challenges.  Does this mean that walking out healing after loss is easy? No. Healing through loss is never easy. Does having fun and branching out mean that I have forgotten Jason…no. He will forever be a part of me and my story. I see echoes of him every day in Abby and often in me when I have some smart quip that I use as a response. He was after all the king of the one line comebacks! But here is what I do know, while I am continuing to walk through life after loss. I am learning new things like how to change a car battery, which I might add is easier than I thought it would be. I am finding that there is more space these days for joy, for making new memories, and for being open to new adventures and experiences. The hope that has been infused in me by my Heavenly Father is refreshing and overflowing. I pray that you can experience this same hope and joy during this season. 

My friend, how does time feel to you today?