Sometimes you see those cute, decorative wooden signs and they make you laugh. Other times you see them and they really hit home. Recently I went to a craft and home show and found some wooden signs from a particular vendor. I purchased three different signs. Here is what they said and the why behind each purchase.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray.”

I chose this sign because when I was little this is a song that my dad sang to me and my sister. It was special. Then when Abby was born, he sang it to her as well. Since he has been gone for 15 years it is something that reminds me of him and in the moments that I look at the words it quickly takes me back to when I was a little girl. I hear his voice singing this song over myself and my sister. I see the harvest gold and avocado green that adorned our 70’s home, I hear the crackle of the intercom speakers as an 8-track player blasted Willie Nelson throughout our home. There are few songs, smells, and memories that are this vivid from my childhood, but this one, I will keep this one and remember every time I look at this sign. 

“I love to tell the story”

This sign has this phrase painted over a piece of sheet music from this old hymn. This one stuck out to me because that is what this platform is for, to tell my story…to tell our story. In addition to this platform I truly love to tell my story because while it is hard and sad, it is also full of the grace, mercy, goodness, and faithfulness of my Heavenly Father. He has never left me or forsaken me. His Word is just as true today as the day it was originally written. I have this sign hanging above my desk between photos of Jason and the painting I did at Christmas for our Abby and I. It is a special place because when I look up from my desk I see things that remind me of Jason. Remembering Jason helps me to remember the reason why I share our story, it also helps me to remember all the moments where God has met me and provided peace, comfort, healing, and joy.

“Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought life would be like and learn to find joy in the story you’re living.”

I had seen this sign at a specific vendor’s home store in Colorado a couple of weeks before seeing it in their booth at the show, but seeing it again, in that moment, the words almost screamed at me from their wooden frame. As I read it I felt every word. 

You see, up until last July I had a picture of what my life was going to be like. I had a plan and I had a dream. Then, July 7 happened. It truly rocked me to the core, because everything I had known…my best friend, my love, my husband was gone. Nothing was the same and everything was the same. Nothing in my life was normal and yet everyone around me seemed to be experiencing normal. So, slowly in the moments after and every day since I have had to make a choice. I have had to choose joy. I have had to choose to get up and press forward no matter how much it hurts or how empty I felt. I had to get up and choose to press into the presence of my Heavenly Father where I knew I could find peace, comfort, love, and a joy that could not be taken away or diminished. 

This sign is in my bedroom. It is in a place where I see it daily. It is a reminder to me that while my life now looks nothing like what I thought it would, it is still a beautiful story that is daily and in every moment being redeemed and rewritten by my Heavenly Father. 

So what would your sign say, where would you hang it, and why?

Even if you do not have a sign yet, you can still answer this because we all have quotes, confessions, or scriptures that resonate with us. These sayings can help us to remember a specific moment or moments in time. These moments may be positive or negative, but know this…both types shape who you are. 

His name is Jason. His name was Jason.

Two statements that describe both past and present just by changing one simple verb. This verb does not describe action, it describes a state of being.

When describing a person the verb “is” holds promise. For me it holds the promise of a future. For me it holds the potential for making memories. For me it holds all things in the present and current events. I am still young, so I have a lot of memories to make and time in front of me. Hope is key to continuing to still be able to use “is” in my daily vocabulary.

When describing a person the verb “was” holds memories. For me it holds the past close. For me it encapsulates all that I describe after it as special. For me it keeps everything after “was” in a place of honor. I have so many special memories with Jason. In fact, I have 28 years full of memories. There are special places, special events, and special food that we shared throughout our time together. We truly grew up together. There is not a single day that goes by that I do not miss him and wish that we had one more day together. If we had that day, I would take time to talk, go for a drive, and just be with each other. He had a way of making me laugh like no one else could. He knew what I was thinking and feeling with just a single look and was able to ask the questions to get to the issue. But more than any of that, he had a beautiful relationship with God and frequently challenged me to see my Heavenly Father the way he saw Him.

So see, those two opening statements hold both past and present just by changing a simple verb. 

As of today, I am one year into this grief journey. A journey where I have added the labels of widow and single mom. Grief is so personal and different based on the individual, but I wanted to share some of the things I have learned along the way and why I think they are important. Just know that a lot of these, for me, are still a work in progress. 

• Grief is big no matter what loss you experienced.
  • This is so true. I have lost people in my life and my grief was big each time. Never underestimate or compare your loss to that of someone else. Your feelings are valid and so is the size of your grief. 
• Grief is personal. No two people walk through grief the same, even if the deaths they experience are similar.
  • This. Please do not compare yourself to someone else. I did this in the early days and then realized that it was dumb. I am not the same person as anyone, so why would my grief or the way I grieve be the same?
• Grief is not on a neat and tidy timeline. It is ongoing.
  • All journeys come with high points and low points. Grief ebbs and flows based on so many things that it cannot be packaged into a 5 or 7 step process.
  • They say that grief gets smaller over time. I believe that instead of the grief shrinking, we learn to grow around our grief and that is what makes it seem smaller. So be patient with yourself and others who are grieving. It is an ongoing process.
• Grief can be lonely, but you do not have to be. Engage in community.
  • I cannot express this enough. You can do life alone, but to do life well everyone needs people. You need them for support or even just to be a sounding board. So find 1, find 15, or somewhere in between and build or engage in community.
• Some things cannot be “fixed”.
  •  Most of the time you don’t need a “fixer”, you just need someone to talk to, to pray with, or just sit with and be your true self.
  • You may have to express your needs to someone. Your need for a listener and not a fixer. Your need for a friend and not a boss in your life.
  • There are fixers out there that want nothing more than to help, but often on the most grief-filled days you just need someone to be there and not try to fix things. Do not shy away from expressing what you need. 
• In the early days make sure there are people around you to remind you to eat food, drink water, and rest. 
  • I thought this was annoying sometimes, but when it stopped, I found myself wondering when the last meal or snack was that I had. So, this is when having people around me was critical. I still had someone to care for, so I needed food and water to be able to function, even if it was at 5%. 
  • If you need help remembering to eat, consider keeping a food journal so you can see what you ate and when you ate last.
• In the early days and other days along your grief journey, your brain will be mush and even the most simple decisions are overwhelming. 
  • I have described this feeling as the “jello mold” and that is still the best way to explain how I felt. It truly felt as if the world was speeding past and I was stuck in slow motion. I kindly told my family and friends in the early days that I was not making any decisions, because it was exhausting and overwhelming. For example, I didn’t want to decide what was for dinner, I just needed food. 
• Go to counseling, open up, and be honest. Do the hard work of processing.
  • Counseling is a safe space for me to talk and express all that I need to express without judgment. Counseling is a place where I have processed thoughts and experiences throughout this first year. What I love most about my counselor is that for the time we spend talking she encourages me, challenges me, but more than anything she always brings it back to the Word. She lays a foundation of scripture and relates what we are talking about to the Word and that is always refreshing. I have learned so many new things about my Heavenly Father this year. He experienced emotions, He asked the hard questions, and He asked why. If you are a believer, find a Christian counselor in your area or ask your church who they recommend. Then go.
• Do not take offense to anything that is/is not said to you or done/not done for you.
  • Being offended is easy, but it will also prevent you from receiving God’s best in your life. Most people you will encounter have never walked through the trauma and grief that you are experiencing. They will not know the best things to do or say. It is ok. They mean well and in most cases they want the absolute best for you. So, give them a break and don’t take offense. Help them understand what bothered you so they can grow as well! This is how we can help normalize the topic of grief!
• Milestone days have been easy to prepare for but the moments of surprise grief have been the most difficult. 
  • You know the kind. The days where you are on the bread aisle in the store and feel like the walls are closing in and you cannot exit the building fast enough. These moments are hard. These moments have taken my breath away and forced me to find ways to focus. For me, it helps to listen to worship music, to read various passages in the Bible, and sometimes to take a short, power nap. 
  • You cannot plan for these surprise moments, but you can develop questions or actions that can help you get through the moment. Questions that help you get to the root of what triggered the memory. Questions that will help you process the grief in that moment so the next time will be easier.
  • Not all milestone days will suck. Some you will be able to enjoy and make new memories with your people and yet still feel the void of your person. This is still a picture of the place where joy and sorrow beautifully intertwine. 

Is and was. When I look at those words it makes me miss the person I was before the loss of my husband. I miss her hopes, I miss her dreams, I miss her plans, I miss her optimism, I miss her deep joy and laughter. I just miss her. 

At the same time, when I look at those words I see a new person who is still being discovered. She is full of hope, she is beginning to dream new dreams, she is making plans, she still has joy and is learning to laugh again. She is stronger than she thought she was, she is braver than before, and she can walk boldly into each day knowing that her Heavenly Father is already there and has provided for her every need. 

Is and was. When I look at those words it makes me remember who my Heavenly Father was and is. He was a comforter in my deepest pain and loss, He was the healer, He was the good Father that brought blessings, He was faithful, He was kind, He was patient, and He was waiting for me to come to Him with all that I needed.  Yet He still is all of those things and the best part is that I know that He is. In fact He was, He is and will always be! How comforting to know that regardless of what is going on in our world our Heavenly Father is the same yesterday, today, and forever. 

Is and was two statements that describe both past and present just by changing one simple verb. This verb does not describe action, it describes a state of being.

I will always remember us this way. 

From our first date until the last day we spent together you had my heart. I didn’t admit it for a while, but eventually I did. You were the first to say “I love you”. I think you always knew we would end up together, even though you never held that over me as an “I told you so”.

We loved movies. We made history when we went to see Jurassic Park on opening day and you proposed right before we saw Courage Under Fire. We talked on the phone for hours on end, draining the batteries in the cordless phone handset. We wrote letters to each other, like on paper with pen and/or pencil.

You played music for me and stretched what I listened to way beyond my typical country genre. I learned about Metallica, Beastie Boys, and so many more but my favorite always remained Garth Brooks. You loved music and you had a playlist for different situations or knew the best album to load when you needed to just go mow the lawn. I now know that this was Metallica or Five Finger Death Punch most of the time and when that was playing it was all out war on the lawn. On a road trip you and Abby would play a wide variety of artists and songs, but you loved the soundtrack to The Greatest Showman.

You went on family vacations with us and I visited you in Tampa. We had fun exploring, making memories and spending time together. As we grew older we loved road trips because it allowed us to see places we would only fly over in an airplane. For our 20th anniversary we visited Las Vegas, but we took day trips to Valley of Fire State Park, Hoover Dam, and our favorite the Grand Canyon. Being able to see and experience God’s creativity in nature was so much fun. You had plans for us to return to the canyon and explore it from the river below to really grasp what 1 mile down really looks like. One day, I will do this in your memory and it will be amazing. 

Most of the time our date nights were dinner and a movie or just a drive to talk and dream. I will forever remember these moments because there is something special about sitting next to the one your soul loves and dreaming together of future adventures. 

Our greatest adventure was raising Abby. She is so much like you but wrapped in a package that looks like me. She is sweet, caring and spicy. She is opinionated and stubborn like both of us. She loves God with every fiber of her being. You would be so proud of her today. She has a dream and she is chasing after that with your tenacity and grit. 

I will always remember the little moments where you held my hand. It made me feel safe, loved, and valued. In fact, I remember the first time we held hands. I will always remember us holding hands.

I will always remember the way you looked at me. Your striking blue eyes that sparkled because you were up to something, had a funny thought cross your mind, or just the way you looked at me with all the love you had. It was why I never wanted to blink or close my eyes when I looked at you. I didn’t want to miss a look or a moment. I will always remember the way you looked at me.

I will always remember our drives. Whether our dives took us around town or to a different state we had the best conversations. We were focused, we didn’t have any work distractions, we had space to dream, we took time to cast vision, and make plans. I loved every moment in the car with you even if “Pam” from Google Maps took us the long way around. I will always remember our drives.

I will always remember the milestone moments in our relationship. From the first date, to the engagement, our wedding day and the anniversaries you made each day special. I never needed flowers, gifts, jewelry, or things. I always needed you. Life without you seems bland and boring. Colors aren’t as vibrant and jokes aren’t as funny. God has a plan for my life without you, but I will always remember our milestones, they are some of my most precious memories of us.

While I have memories, pictures, and videos to help me remember you and your smile. I am starting to forget things. Life is cruel this way. I am able to remember the big things, but the small things like your voice, your laugh, your smile, the smell of your cologne, and your favorite joke slip away way too quickly from my memory. It makes you feel like a distant memory instead of someone that I will carry in my heart for eternity. 

You were my first love. You were my first kiss and the first man I wanted to grow old alongside. We learned so much about life together. We grew up together and I know I am who I am today because of you. 

I will always remember us this way. It seems fitting to leave you with the words from one of my favorite songs that sums everything up so perfectly.

“Looking back On the memory of The dance we shared ‘Neath the stars above For a moment All the world was right But how could I have known That you’d ever say goodbye And now I’m glad I didn’t know The way it all would end The way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I’d have had to miss the dance Holding you I held everything For a moment Wasn’t I the king? If I’d only known How the king would fall Hey, who’s to say You know I might have changed it all And now I’m glad I didn’t know The way it all would end The way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I’d have had to miss the dance It’s my life, it’s better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I’d have had to miss the (dance).”

“The Dance” by Garth Brooks

The final thought I want to leave you with is the most impactful one that I have learned this year. I have learned that Jason will always be a part of me. Going into marriage at barely 21, I did not know the adventures, joy, and pain that would follow. Some might say that “Love conquers all”, but I am here to tell you that it is only the love of my Heavenly Father that conquers all. It also covers and redeems all.

If you are struggling to find joy, if you are struggling to understand why, if you are struggling through all the emotions of grief know that God’s love is the source of your joy,. His love is the answer to all the why’s. His love provides the ultimate peace and comfort in the midst of your grief.

Do not hesitate to make new memories while holding onto the ones that are precious. Do not hesitate to ask the hard questions. Do not hesitate to embrace joy even while acknowledging your sorrow.

I will always remember us this way.

Love you boo.

*Disclaimer: This post is about tattoos. I do not know your personal opinion of tattoos, nor am I trying to change your mind. I am merely sharing my why and a little behind the meaning and personal significance of my favorites.

I am not sure where you stand on tattoos, but I have them and each one signifies something specific, someone special, or marks a moment in time. For example, I have a J followed by Morse Code for S (…). I Chose this last summer because I needed a reminder not of my love for Jason because that was and continues to be deep and everlasting. I also did not choose it to remind me of the fight we were fighting. I chose this as a reminder to choose joy, to embrace the journey, and to always lean on Jesus. The Morse Code for S (…) because it has three dots. These dots signify each person in our little family, Jason, Me and our girl. Of course the added bonus now is that it can remind me of the life and love we shared for 28 years. I must say that this tattoo is one of my favorites. It is simple and yet elegant. It wasn’t something I found on Pinterest or a Google search. It was hand drawn on me the moment I stood in the tattoo shop. So now you know why this one is special.

If you know me personally, then you know this is not my only tattoo. I have several others ranging from beautiful flowers, to an outline of glasses frames, a heart, a note in my dad’s handwriting, and also two words that read: even if… just to name a few! Again, each one holds a special meaning to me. I have never just gone to get a tattoo of something that wasn’t meaningful or in a way memorialized those I loved and still love.

Now that you understand my why on tattoos, I want to talk about marigolds. When you research the meaning of marigolds, you get some of the following: 

• Marigolds represent power, strength, and light.
• The marigold is very often associated with the sun.
• Marigolds in a tattoo can signify grief.
• Marigolds are the October birth flower.
• Marigolds can signify devotion, commitment.

Marigolds are those beautiful flowers that you typically see in the big pots or barrels in front of people’s homes. I typically notice them the most in the fall, though they bloom in other seasons as well. They come in vibrant yellows, oranges, and deep reds among other colors. They always make quite the impact on the landscape where they are planted while they are in bloom.

Jason’s life was way too short. That being said, he made an impact in the landscape where he was planted. He was intentional to sow into others lives so that his legacy would far outlast him. He was strong, his light was bright (even if his wardrobe did not reflect it), and he deeply loved his Heavenly Father. So, in honor of Jason, I have added a marigold to the memorial “garden” I am planting on my arm. It is a continual work in progress, but each flower, each tattoo is meaningful and I can point to them and tell you the story of each one.

So, why would my newest piece be a marigold? 

• Jason’s birthday was in October. 
• I have been on a grief journey since last July.
• I will always remember the devotion and commitment that we shared in our relationship.
• I have and will continue to remain devoted and committed to my Heavenly Father. No death can sway my belief that He is good, that He is faithful, and that He always keeps His promises.
• Power, Strength and Light are all wonderful descriptors of my Heavenly Father. He is omnipotent, He is strength all the time and gives us strength when we need it the most, and He is light because where He is there can be no darkness.

Again, this is not a commercial endorsing tattoos. I will leave that decision and discussion to you and your family. This is just a little peek into my why. A look into some of the special memories that I carry with me daily.

How do you choose to remember moments and remember those you have loved and still love today?

How do you choose to remember how much your Heavenly Father loves you and wants to be the power, strength, and light in your life?

Fathers and Daughters…there really is something special about this kind of a relationship. I see this relationship in a new perspective now than even a year ago.

Recently, I witnessed a father giving his daughter away to her future husband, dancing the father-daughter dance, and toasting the new couple. The presence of a father is something that my girl will miss on all the big milestones that come in her life. Thankfully he was there for so many firsts. From her first breath to her last day of high school. From her first steps to her first day driving. From her first dress to her last prom. He was there for it all. 

The best thing about being in an amazing and loving family and community is that it means my girl is blessed with some amazing father figures in her life that have already and will no doubt continue to show up and fill the empty spaces when needed. These father figures are a huge blessing, they are valued and they are honored. That being said, they will never be able to take the place, be the same as, or as special as her own father. My heart aches deeply for this loss because I know what it is like to lose your father, your daddy, your Prince Charming.

You see, I was blessed to grow up with a daddy that was amazing. He was all in and my sister and I knew it. There wasn’t one day that went by that we did not know that he loved and cared for us deeply. We were his princesses and we felt valued and honored. He was also intentional to demonstrate what a godly husband should look like in everyday life and in the home. He loved my mom, he served her and treated her like the queen of our “castle” on Peach St. 

Having this example led me to selecting a man that seemingly was the complete opposite of my father in all his likes, dislikes, personality and interests. However, in all the ways that mattered Jason was just like my dad. He loved me, he served me and treated me like the queen of our “castle” wherever that happened to be at the moment. More than that he loved our girl and she was his princess.

Now, from the moment we found out we were pregnant we thought we were having a boy. So imagine our surprise when we found out that we were expecting a girl. We were both nervous. We were first time parents and more than that what did we know about raising a child…let alone a girl! I mean really…me? The girl that would rather be in sweats and a hoodie than a dress? What if my daughter wants to wear makeup, dress up in all the pink sparkly things, and wear bows? What if she doesn’t want to play sports? How will I relate? How will I parent someone who could potentially be my opposite?

Well…spoiler alert! Not only did my girl come out loving bows, dresses that twirled, and all the pink sparkly things, but she loved putting on lipstick (thank you Gigi!) and makeup. What I love even more is that after trying all the sports, she finally found something that she loved and thrived in…cheerleading. We loved watching her cheer and compete! Jason was the best cheer dad. He went to all the competitions and even helped to lead the crowd in chants as our girls took to the mat. She also found that she loved music and was good at art…just like her daddy. They had long conversations about different genres of music as well as different painting, drawing, and sketching techniques, and the best mediums to use for various projects. They spent hours planning what project came next and then followed those epic planning sessions up by visiting local craft stores for all the materials and even spent time at a local museum viewing master artists and their works. However, some of my favorite memories have come from watching a father and a daughter bond over movies such as all the Avengers and Marvel movies, Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and so much more. She was his princess and there wasn’t a day that went by that he did not make her feel special.

So why is it that this relationship is so special? Well, our Heavenly Father fills the role of King so well. We know that He longs for a relationship with us. He wants to daily spend time with us and see us choose Him…choose eternal life. As we daily choose a relationship with Him he will love us and help us to see our value in Him. As we daily choose a relationship with Him, He will direct our path and we can honor Him with the choices we make. But wait, here is the best part, while He is our King, by seeking a daily relationship with Him, he takes the place as our Heavenly Father. He moves closer to us as we move closer to Him. He is not a vending machine or some unjust creator waiting to destroy this version of his prototype and create another. He is kind, He is patient, and He sees us as valuable and precious.

Imagine the way Jason looked at Abby based on the description above. Can you see it? I know I can. His crystal clear blue eyes sparkling with excitement and joy watching her do, talk, and experience all the things. Now, for a moment, think about how you look at your children (if you have them), your family, your friends, your pets, etc.

Now read the following scripture: 

“As bad as you are, you know how to give good things to your children. How much more, then, will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:11 GNT

So knowing this promise, how would you describe the way your Heavenly Father looks at you? Are you running to your Father when you need Him? Are you sitting with Him daily?

I want to challenge you to take time to sit with Him daily, spend time learning about how He sees you, and how great His love is for you. The more time you spend with Him, the more you will begin to reflect Him to those around you, and we could all use a little more of our Father’s love here on earth.

Finally, if you are a father I want to take this moment to say Happy Father’s Day. May you be blessed to spend time with those who love you and those that you love. May you be blessed with all the ties, coffee mugs, and gag gifts that you can enjoy! But more than all of this, may you know that your Heavenly Father longs to spend time with you, do you want to spend time with Him?

I am not even sure where to start with this blog post. The last couple of weeks have been weird, difficult, normal, and full of all the emotions.

In May we began facing all the ‘1 year since…’ category of milestones. School is ending, summer is beginning, and it is time to face what is coming. Recently, I had a surprise attack of grief. You know the kind…where you are good all day and then a sound, smell, song, or memory flashes in and surprises you. When this happens you can be good in a moment and then the next you find that you are crying and fighting your way back to being ok. 

These surprise attacks happened often in the early days but as we have gone throughout the last 11 months they have become fewer and farther between. Then came a Thursday in May. This particular Thursday started off great. I felt good and it was a good day. Then, as the day went on, stress built up at work, and I was being very hard on myself regarding a particular matter. Which for me is normal, as I do not like to let others down or “mess up”. I work hard to do a good job and leave everything better than I found it. 

So, I find myself in this surprise moment, trying to figure out what is happening and fighting back the tears. As I am trying to compose myself the 3:10 bell rings dismissing school. Cheering erupts in the hallway as it is the last day of school for those who do not have to take any finals the next week. Then I felt it, that surprise grief attack hit. This is that kind of surprise grief attack that I had been hoping to avoid all school year. You know the one where you are certain that ugly, uncontrollable crying is about to happen and you just want to be somewhere that people are not. 

I quickly went to my office to collect my things, packed everything up and promptly got in my car to go home. As I was driving home, I found that I could not hold it back any longer and allowed myself to cry. As I pulled into the garage a co-worker called. She never calls unless there is an “issue”or needs help with something. Because of this, I felt like I should answer even though I was deep in the middle of this moment. I was really trying to not sound like I was crying but it didn’t work. Turns out there was no big thing or need, she just felt like she needed to call me. Isn’t that like the Holy Spirit to talk to others about us in our time of need so they feel led to reach out and meet us where we are?

At this point, I could not stop all of the tears. They just kept coming in waves. I went inside and spent some time with Willa. I had about an hour at home before I was to meet 3 friends and carpool to a baseball game. Still, the tears wouldn’t stop. I tried and tried but they would not stop. So I touched up my makeup the best I could and off I went to meet up with my friends. 

Knowing the tears could start again at any moment I wanted to be very strategic about where I sat in the car so as not to draw attention to the potential tears that would randomly come on the drive. Throughout the drive one of my friends kept asking work related questions and as I answered she kept staring like she knew something was wrong. And she was right, but she never asked or pushed for an answer/explanation in the car. 

We arrived at our destination and the tears started again. She asked another question and when I went to answer she stopped me and ever so gently asked “What is wrong?”. I said, nothing, not wanting to dig deep knowing more tears would fall. She did not let that answer fly and pushed again for a real answer. Holding back more tears, I said “all the things”. She said…I know. Then my other friend asked me a question and when I turned to answer her, she said, “Are you ok?”. I said no…but I will be. She followed with, “What is wrong?” And I answered the same, “All the things”. You see these precious people have walked with me since May 19 last year. They have supported me, they have prayed over me, and have continued to pray for me as I have walked this journey. They have been my lifeline, my sounding board, my refuge, and my friends. They are a safe place for me to just be me. 

That surprise attack of grief roared in and took over, while I took time to feel and be in that grief moment I also wanted to fight to keep my joy. Why are we programmed to feel ashamed of showing emotion in public? Why is it awkward or even a sign of weakness if a strong, confident woman cries when she is overcome with emotions? These are some of the questions I have been wrestling with these last 11 months.

If you didn’t already know, I am a strong-willed, stubborn woman. I prefer to try doing things myself before asking for help. I am not emotional. I am not a diva or dramatic. I am competitive. Honestly, I am really competitive. I love rules and clarity of responsibilities and shy away from situations where ambiguity prevails. I prefer to do things right the first time and not do something bad or wrong. I always give my best effort because anything less would be weak. So, why do I shy away from tears? Why do I often shy away from fully sharing even on this platform? Because our world has taught us that vulnerability and emotions are a sign of weakness. That being said, when one has lost their person, their first love, their spouse, why shouldn’t we be allowed to show weakness and vulnerability? This is the journey I have been on the last 11 months. 

• I now know that I cannot do everything by myself. 
• I now know that being vulnerable is uncomfortable but it helps those around me to see how they can best help me. 
• I now know that showing emotions in public is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that I deeply miss the love that is waiting for me in eternity.
• I now know that to truly walk through grief that I have to be honest first with God, then myself before others. 
• I now know that Christian counseling is a must for those walking through deep loss.
• I now know that grief never truly goes away, but I can grow around it. With the help of God peace and comfort can flood the grief spaces.

So, how do we continue to grow in this area? For me, I am approaching it like learning a new language. When learning a new language, you want to make sure you understand the vocabulary words and how they are used in a sentence, but you also must practice the accent. At first, it will be awkward and clunky. After you practice in a safe space you can try using your new language in real life situations. The same can be said for showing emotions or vulnerability. You should practice showing emotions at home or another safe space; but you should also practice showing emotions out in public. This is where I am. I am practicing a little here and a little there. Practicing in real life situations and around safe people. Then as I feel comfortable I will practice around others that I do not know. This is how we grow!

My challenge to myself and to you is to get out in the wild. You know those spaces that seem daunting and scary, and be vulnerable. Show emotions because even Jesus showed emotions.

Often we have both Joy and Sorrow, Happiness and Grief, Courage and Fear, Laughter and Tears, Love and Hate, Appreciation and Regret, New Memories and Old Memories. There seems to always be an unspoken tension between both and.

See you can have both and of all the above and still be moving forward. When you experience one extreme, like joy, there is always the opposite extreme, like sorrow, that is present. One cannot exist without the other. You cannot say you are courageous without overcoming some sort of fear. You cannot experience deep joy without being familiar with great sorrow. You cannot walk through grief without moments of happiness and all the other emotions listed above. We also know that laughter and tears go together like peanut butter and jelly. So see…both and. 

Walking through what I have been for 11 months now I cannot imagine taking the daily steps and doing the hard work of processing without my anchor, my savior, my God. He has been the calm, steady, faithful Father leading and guiding me through all the moments and emotions. He has provided comfort in His word along with all of my amazing family, friends, and my incredible community. You cannot go through life without two things: God and People.

You see, He placed me in my family from the beginning, gave me close friends throughout my school years and placed me in this community ten years ago with this season in mind. My family and community has challenged me to grow spiritually and professionally. My family, friends, and community have challenged me to serve without expecting anything in return. Being surrounded by my family, friends, and community has been vital to my healing. My family, friends, and community have walked alongside me, loved me and ensured that even our most basic needs were met. Oh…and they even helped us move two times in the last year. 

Now, we have been created to live in this world and to walk through all the experiences that life throws our way, however, in order to live fully we must not live life alone. Jesus built a community when he recruited 12 unknown outsiders to walk with him and serve in his ministry. He not only needed their support and prayers, but he mentored them along the way. He knew that one day he would not be on earth to continue the ministry and they would need to duplicate what he had shown them. See, what a great example of why we should not do life alone. I know I say this a lot, but my family has been supportive of every decision and every move we have made from the beginning of our marriage, but mainly since last May 19. My friends have walked with me through what has been the toughest season of my life. They have poured life into me, they have supported me and challenged me to not settle for anything less than God’s best for me.

So, have you found your community? Do you have friends or family that can support you, challenge you and encourage you to grow in your walk with God? 

Proverbs 27:17 (TPT) says, “It takes a grinding wheel to sharpen a blade, and so one person sharpens the character of another.”

See, iron sharpens iron kind of friends. This is what we need more of in our world. So as you are walking through your grief journey, maybe your “both and” is figuring out how to do things on your own and yet staying connected to your family, friends, and community? I know I am working on that balance!

This September we would have celebrated 25 years married. That is a quarter of a century. Sometimes it still feels unreal that he is no longer by my side or with me in the everyday moments.

This year was going to be one filled with epic trips and making memories to last a lifetime. While WE aren’t taking those trips and WE aren’t making memories to last a lifetime, I am. I have chosen to live. I have chosen to trust that God still has good things for me. I have chosen to continue to travel. I have chosen to make new memories.

So this year, while I am not taking those epic trips we had planned, I have been and will continue to take the trips that my mind, body and soul needs. This year I will make memories that last a lifetime. Why? Because I have chosen to live. I have chosen to trust that God still has good things for me.

From the mountains to the beach and coast to coast. I will drive miles and miles for the experience, the adventure, and to make the memories. Some trips I will be alone, some will be with family and some will include my friends. Why? Because I have chosen to live. I have chosen to trust that God still has good things for me.

When you have shared more than half of your life with someone it is an odd adjustment when they are gone. I have said it before, but I will say it again, it feels like you are walking around as an incomplete person. It often feels like I have half of me missing, and it is because I do. Ephesians 5:31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” We dated for 4 years and we were “one” for about 24 years, so being 1/2 is definitely an odd feeling and takes time to adjust to this new way of life. Maybe you have experienced that in one way or another. It is definitely an odd feeling that is truly difficult to fully explain or put into words beyond what is above.

The half of a person feeling is lonely, it is isolating, and it is gut wrenching. But it doesn’t feel so big everyday. The days that I give this emptiness over to my Heavenly Father are the days that it is manageable. These are the days where I feel Him filling in all the voids and meeting me right where I am and right when I need Him the most. There will always be those moments where I wish Jason was here. That he would be available if I were to reach for the phone to text him, call him or hear him complain when I tagged him in a post. There will always be those moments where I wish Jason was here, standing or sitting next to me sharing in the moment as it unfolds in front of us. There will always be that longing for him to be with me in some way or another, but God.

HE is. That is it. There doesn’t need to be a long drawn out explanation…HE was, HE is and HE is to come. There is so much hope in those words. Those words drip with peace, comfort, and anything else that you need. HE is.

Lately, I have missed the little things. The looks, the smile, the quirky twirling of his facial hair where his mustache met his beard. The amazing thing…there have been moments where I have seen those little things in others around me. When I see them, I smile. I smile because I know that God sees the little seemingly insignificant things that I miss and He says, “Here…I see you today, in this moment and this is my gift to you”. How cool is that? To know that we serve a God who can heal the sick and raise the dead and yet the twirling of facial hair is right in that list too!

What is on your list? You know that list of things that you miss the most about your person? Have you slowed down enough to see those things in others around you during your day? Have you slowed down enough to hear your Heavenly Father tell you He loves you more than you could ever imagine or put into words? 

I want to challenge you to live your life and look for the moments where God is present and making provision for you even in the little ways. Doing this means that you slow down, you are intentional with your time, you are intentional with the people in your life, you most likely will need to put the phone, tablet, TV remote or whatever down and look into the eyes of the people around you. Engage in your life because you have so much to live for and God has good things planned for you!

Remember HE is.

DISCLAIMER:

So this is a different type of post. Recently, I have been having conversations that have led me to writing this post. Please enjoy and if you know me personally, I would love to have an in person conversation with you about any of this. If you do not, I am sure you have someone in your “circle of trust” that has walked through loss and grief that could converse with you or feel free to comment or message me privately.

Things this (and I think most) grievers want you to know:

• We are still the same person, but we also are not the same. Death, loss, and grief changes a person. It takes time to get back somewhat “to normal” but for us, life will never be like it was before. We have buried not only someone we love but also the dreams and plans we had with that person. We are different because we are learning how to not only navigate our world without them, but we are also learning how to dream again, and we are learning how to live again.

• Please talk to us. This may seem uncomfortable, but we just want to know that people can still feel comfortable engaging with us. We want to talk about all the normal things and if you are in the “circle of trust” we often want to share with you how we are REALLY doing. More than anything we want to just have conversations with those whom we interact with on a daily basis. So say hi, ask us about the weather, and when you feel comfortable ask us how we are doing in that moment or ask us about our person. Remember, you cannot say anything that will remind us of the loss because there isn’t a day or a moment that we do not think of them and wish they were still here with us.

• Please ask us about our person. If someone you know is walking through the death of a loved one please engage with them and ask them about their person. This helps them feel connected to their person. This helps them honor the life and memories of their person and gives comfort to them by being able to just say their name. 

• Please do not use the typical cliche phrases, such as, “God needed another angel” and other like this. God is in the business of life. He does not cause death. We experience death because this world is broken and we will continue to experience loss and death until it has been redeemed and restored.

• Don’t be weird. I am chuckling as I type this because I know each person is unique and made in the image of God. But often there are people that just do not know what to do or say. Maybe they even think that they will say the wrong thing. Please do us a favor, if you feel like this just start up a conversation about normal things…it will eventually become more comfortable and you will be able to talk about the more difficult topics. Just remember, say something don’t just awkwardly walk away. You could even say, “I do not know what to say or how to help. I might even say the wrong thing from time to time, but please know I love you and I am here to support you in anyway you need.” That is a great start!

• It’s okay to ask what they could use or need most, Picking up kids, buying groceries, someone to just sit with them, going out to dinner, a movie, or even the BANK(all the required stuff). You can’t fix it so don’t overcompensate. You can even go with them for the fun stuff too! I love going to get a manicure and pedicure with my cousin. It is something small, but it qualifies as self care and it is time with my cousin away from all the decisions and required stuff. Regardless of what you do, be specific in asking what they need. There are so many big decisions and changes that the open ended questions are the most difficult to answer.

• Go with someone ot Grief Share or a grief group of some kind. It can be overwhelming and downright scary to go to new places alone. If you have the space to go with a friend, please consider it. It helps to make them feel comfortable in a space that is anything but comfortable. 

• Invite them. Invite them to be a part of your activities – cookouts, bible study, book club, and dinner club. Those who are grieving feel as if their entire world has been turned upside down and in some cases the person they attended all events with is now missing. This only adds to feeling displaced and alone. So reach out and invite them! They need their community now more than ever.

• Hug them and love them. This is huge even for those who don’t typically like hugs. All people need physical contact and it is critical for their health both mentally and physically. So give the hugs and let them know you care and you are there when/if they need anything!

• Crying and emotions are normal. Ok, this one is tough and can be awkward. Crying is an emotion that can draw people in or cause them to run for the hills because of discomfort. It is normal for grieving people to cry. Some cry in public and some cry in private. Both are normal. If you encounter one in the wild or see one after a “moment” please do not make them feel uncomfortable by asking why they are still crying. Grief never really goes away, the griever grows around their grief. They grow stronger and more resilient. So get comfortable with the uncomfortable and if you are walking with someone through a grief journey, maybe always have tissue in case they need it unexpectedly.

• Call or text them when you think of them. There is probably a reason why that person is on your heart. The Holy Spirit knows when they are in need of a kind word, conversation or even just a “Hey, I’m praying for you today” text. These interactions go a long way in helping those who are grieving feel connected, feel seen, and feel loved. So, the next time you feel that nudge, don’t dismiss it. There is someone who needs to hear from you!

• Prayer! Don’t under estimate praying. It is powerful, and when you think of them, just pray for God to be with them and for the Holy Spirit to comfort them. When you are with a griever, pray with them if they have needs. This will help them feel seen and loved.

So, who are you going to engage in conversation with soon? Who are you inviting to that event or dinner? Who are you going hug and let cry in front of you? Who are you going to pray for this next week?

Another month has passed since my main man slipped the surly bonds of earth and began his eternity in heaven.

I hadn’t thought about it until the other day that ten months is generally the amount of time a woman is pregnant. Along with pregnancy comes the anticipation of giving birth, the growing of a new life, and new dreams. Instead of dreaming and planning new things with Jason, the last ten months I have spent mourning the loss of his life, mourning the death of our future dreams, mourning the loss of comfort, the discovery of a “new” normal and finding home again.

When faced with a loss you don’t typically think about or plan the month to month anniversaries because you’re focused solely on getting through each day. Then before you know it one month has passed by, then two and then six. Now ten months have gone by and I am feeling the labor pains of grief as we march closer to the 1 year anniversary.

The last couple of months came with more “firsts”. A big one that he is yet again missing out on…prom. Last year I was jokingly inviting him to prom with me. The chaperones had a fun set up with cabins and it would be like a mini staycation. All he had to do was spend an evening around teenagers (not ours) that spent the time jumping up and down, screaming and singing to all the songs until the body odor drove everyone from the room. I joked and told him about how we could dance the night away to make up for the pathetic “prom” we had in high school. Being the introvert that he was meant that he was not very excited about my proposal. He put up a fight every step of the way and yet when the time came he still agreed to show up and enjoyed being a chaperone with me and getting a glimpse into my daily world with the students and other staff in attendance.

This year, prom was different. I didn’t have to drag him along because now he always goes with me everywhere I go. He is right there and yet at the same time his place is empty. Sometimes I don’t know how to explain to people what this feels like and why I feel alone even though I know I’m not. Sometimes the grief space seems to overwhelm my space and sometimes it is barely recognizable. 

You know when you are a new parent and you are constantly wondering if the choices you are making will ruin your perfect baby? You sleep less, you eat in the quiet moments or sometimes not at all, you have all the questions and the uncertainty of what to do if xyz happens is all consuming. Grief is like that. You have this new feeling, it is all the feelings mixed up into one unexplainable emotion. Sleep can be deep and refreshing or non existent. Food is no longer enjoyable, it is tasteless and really becomes just sustaining life. You want to just stay in and protect that new baby? Yep, grief is like that too! The couch, the bed, your favorite recliner are all great options for trying to sleep and process the emotions and activity that is sure to swirl around you.

Here is what I can tell you from my experience. Just like when you have a new baby and all your friends set up a meal train or bring food, groceries or just come to sit with you to help you feel like a normal human, this should happen after loss as well. It did with me. My community was a beautiful example of showing the physical, tangible love of my Heavenly Father. The best part, they did not just show up for a few days, they continue to walk with me today. They have been a consistent source of support, encouragement and the few really close ones can tell when I am having a tough day and lean in even more to help.

My community has not been the only piece that has helped me walk through my grief and healing of my heart. I have been going to a local Christian counseling center. It is something from the onset of this adventure I knew was necessary after what I saw and experienced in the hospital as well as walking through the death and loss of my spouse. My counselor has been a lifeline. She has challenged me, she has asked all the hard questions and has even given a new perspective to many thoughts and feelings that have come throughout this journey. The best part, she always brings our conversation back to the Word and talks about what the Bible says about grief, provision, God’s goodness, faithfulness and hope. Even now, ten months out I still go and talk, laugh and process out all the feelings and thoughts. 

Finally, my faith in God has been the firm foundation that has helped me to stay grounded. It provided a place of peace in the midst of uncertainty. It provided a place of hope when all seemed hopeless. It provided a place where I could go and surrender all my fears, my dead dreams, the loss of my one true love on earth, and the deep hurt that lingered. I trusted that when I surrendered all the above and more to my Heavenly Father that His promises would not return void. 

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion – to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified. ~Isaiah 61:1-3

May I leave you with this encouragement today: No matter where you are in your grief journey you can find comfort first in your Heavenly Father. He is the ultimate source for all you need. Next, please find your community. You cannot go through this alone. The support they offer will be your lifeline. Finally, if you have not looked into counseling, please consider finding a Christian counselor today. Grief is not something you just “get over”. It is something that lingers and slithers into the most random of moments, days, weeks, and more if allowed to go unchecked. Processing grief and trauma is not something that can be “fixed” by applying some bandaid. Much like parenting it is something that takes a village. So who is in your village helping you?